Busco el equilibrio como si fuera una destinación
como si no fuera balanza y yo la aprendiza que tiene que agregar, remover y volver a colocar pedacitos de mi

pertenezco a mi misma y yo misma quiero estar cerca de el balanceo
que mantiene mi ser abierto y tierno
no aspiro a ser amada
no aspiro ser admirada
no aspiro ser la excepción
y tampoco no aspiro a nunca morir

solo busco equilibrio
solo busca estar aquí donde estoy

It is just that I want to continue to grow
throughout the entirety of my life even when it hard
it just that I don’t want to abandon myself
or stand in my own way
I just want to try consistently until I leave this form
I just just want be truer to myself and love deeply this precious, precious life
I would never jump ship I am committed in the small things which are truly the core of all of me

My unprocessed layers dance over me
I peel and peel and try to take off each layer
and the anger fades, and there is no blame, and there is space
and there is a vulnerable heart
who does understand and just wished to also be understood
and cared for not divided by a line
or relegated to the outskirts as I felt

there sits a weeping part that needs nothing but to be acknowledged
and I sit with it granting its wish

We get honest about the shadows
we get honest about the reoccurring feelings
we rip down our stories
so well woven spanning multiple pages that we gasp in surprise that we know them by memory

we hold space for them
and if that is crying
and if that a sentence that appears
floating from the heart to the surface carrying a message that  till then we could not bare to accept

...finally let’s not push it back down
lets look at it
let’s stop wishing things would disappear let look at what is true and allow its natural buoyancy lift over and over until
we finally offer it space and accept

We all falter and that is okay
and i understand sometimes it’s just a matter of whose turn is it now

Love involves due overs
it is expansive and forgiving enough

but when we falter we must offer someone else the dignity of acknowledging the suffering we have intentionally or unconsciously caused them by saying  “I am sorry I hurt you”

there is no fault in faltering
instead in never saying I am sorry
never offering sorrow the dignity of its name–of naming it

i cut my hair so that another
girl who had only been an earth for a few years could carry
its softness and know someone would
give whatever she was not born with
this world would offer itself to her
cradled in her bed wherever she was
....
i forget the many times
i slept in other people’s homes
or had to leave mine as a child
those many times were coiled and repressed
pushed back into a box like a jack
...
my youth is here present
i mingle with it
and forget it is not always going to be here
and i hear the world is not kind to older womxn
but hear from older womxn those years are the most fruitful; there, they are their most powerful
and like the promised land i want to rush there
the way i used to want to rush towards death
and none of them will do when the early morning hours come
because i just want to be here
cradled in my bed wherever i may be