I don't know what it is about late nights and seasons of love and why they make me miss you more than I already do. Something about thinking of all those plans we had and the fact that I'm living them without you. Something about the scent of your skin mingling with my perfumed wrists. Something about the way I'd argue that I wasn't beautiful but you'd just continue to insist. Something about all those I love you's I held back in fear of rejection. Something about the fact that all along you needed my protection. Something about these memories and feelings I just don't understand. Everything was so much clearer when I was holding your hand.

I'm so insecure
Deeply unsure
Scared to my core
Can't take it anymore
Heart's on the floor
Every day's a chore
Can't make it to the door
Who am I living for?

You've left me
Not in anger
Not in sandness
I fear you've left me
In the worst way possible
In utter disinterest
I fear you got tired of me
My babbling that morphs
Into inexplicably cold nature
So unsure of myself
Anxiety ridden
You don't seem to care anymore
I'm not sure if I miss you
Like I miss her
Because I had this nagging feeling
All along
That you would soon grow tired
And weary of me
And pack your things
And leave me here
Without a second look.

You can call me winter
I'm cold and unforgiving
Beautiful and dangerous
Harsh and untamed
My heart's not warm
It's frigid and blue
They call me winter
Because of you

Although I've long given up on you
I still feel that surge of pain
When people ask me if you're still around
And I have to answer again and again
That I haven't heard from you
For quite a while
And my heart still breaks a little
When I think of your smile
And no one ever notices
How painfully and longingly I sigh
When I think of the fact
That you never said even said goodbye

I have grown so accustomed to being alone
I crave the solitary nature
But I wouldnt mind spending alone time with you
And planning out our future
Because you're not just another human
So carelessly wasting my time
You're a part of me
And I'd love to call you mine.

In the summer I fell in love
With a little city I found
My heart flutters every time I think of
That city full of sound
And maybe it was the voodoo
That made me so very keen
To keep coming back to that bayou
Down in New Orleans

Sure I adore you. I always have. You're handsome and sweet. And always seemed to understand me. But I've never liked the way girls throw themselves at you. Or the way you always got what you wanted. But you liked that about me. The way I never gave you what you asked for. And that I never threw myself at you. You told me it was endearing. And that you respected me. And I respected you too. And I was honest with you. I told you I enjoyed the company of other girls more than I enjoyed the company of men. And you told me that didn't matter and that you liked me all the same. I told you I got scared and that I didn't know if I could go on. And you told me you cared for me and that I could tell you anything. So I told you the offer extends both ways. And then you graduated and I moved away and even though I don't see you anymore I still think of you sometimes. The boy who made me smile in a dark time. The boy I actually truly loved. Not necessarily in a romantic way. But in a way that I knew that you were meant to be in my life for a while. And I'm happy you were.

I'm not always sure what I want
Or who for that matter
But I do know I need kisses that haunt
And linger on my skin
I want your teeth to graze my hips
I crave breathless I love you's
And soft warm lips
Getting lost in a sea of blankets
I want jealous angels from above
Because when they see us
They envy our endless love

I buy myself nice things
And go nice places
All to fill this gaping hole in my heart
I continually try and fill it up
With little things
Empty promises
Beautiful lies
Yet the hole only grows bigger
And consumes what I try to fill it with
Like a ravenous animal
And I end up empty hearted
Like usual.

You are the paint that won't wash off my fingers
You are the smell of coffee as it brews at 7 am
You are the ink of the words in my poetry
You are the pages of an old book in a library
You are the winter wind against my cheeks
You are the tune of the keys on a grand piano
You are everything around me.

Lonely
L for leaves that fell too early
O for orange colors speckled in with green
N for new buds forming on rose bushes
E for ever changing scenery
L for lazy Sundays spent in the meadow
Y for young flowers sprouting
Lonely me.
In a lonely world.

Don't put on your red light
Baby there's no need tonight
Your love's for sale
So you feel like you can't fail
But honey this isn't what you need
Don't make me beg, don't make me plead
You're an angel among monsters
Your nights run together in a blur
Don't do this to yourself anymore
Just walk away and close that door

You're telling me to leave
With your hand around my wrist
I can't go with you holding me back
No matter how much you insist
Be free you whisper
As some form a cruel joke
You smirk as you watch me struggle
You know it's all a hoax
I try and I try
With all my might
But you're sitting on my wings
And I can't take flight
These restrictions you put on me
Make me feel like a caged bird
But unlike the pheasant
I have no sweet song to be heard
So why do you keep me here
When I have nothing to give
Is it really just because
You don't want to see me live?

I'm the human embodiment of self destruction
I hurt myself until I can barely function
You're worthless, I hiss
Why am I like this?
My skin has scars from self harm
I rip apart my own arms
Bruises from punching walls
I just say they're from nasty falls
The second I feel happy
My mind won't let that be
I tell myself hideous things
The second my heart sings
I crave to be alive
But my body only thrives
On self loathing and hate
Is this really my fate?
Am I doomed to hurt every day?
What kind of a life is worth living this way?

I take a cigarette out of the pack
Flip it over and put it back
I don't even smoke
And I'm too broke
To try and start
But there's this feeling in my heart
Of loneliness and I'm scared
But this nicotine makes me feel like someone cares
So I puff and listen to the sounds of the city
Wishing I felt pretty
Like the lights that dance on the asphalt
And I know it's my fault
That I feel this way
But there's too much I need to say
To get out of this black hole
& I'm not sure I have enough strength in my soul
Filled with smoke and nicotine
And I'm barely eighteen
And I don't know if I can live a lifetime like this
Completely and utterly emotionless

I don't like to write all my feelings down poetically. I can only turn sad stuff into pretty poems. But when it comes to the content melancholy feelings it's something better left directly said. I'm not happy. But I'm not exactly sad either. I'm exceedingly emotionless. I'm not even sure if that's a good state or a bad state to be in. I suppose it's at least a clear state to be in. You can see things for what they are. You're not blinded by happiness nor are you shrouded in sadness. So I guess melancholy isn't so bad.

I've lost so many people
Through death
Through betrayal
Through the natural course of life
So darling, don't be upset
That I'm okay with losing you too
It's par for the course
Something I've grown accustomed to
Don't expect my heart to shatter
You can't break something that's not there
I'm made to walk alone
And I'm okay with that
If you'd like to walk alone
By my side
Then be my guest
But it won't make me
Or break me
If I have to go solo
Because I can live happily
With or without you

I feel like we use our body for the wrong things. We see the ugliness of the world, speak negativity, hear the negativity that others speak and feel sad because of it and it becomes a vicious cycle. I think if we used our eyes to see the beauty in everything and everyone, used our mouths to speak only positive messages, used our ears to listen to others and their positivity, and felt as much happiness as we possibly could, maybe the world would be a better place.

The grass is only greener on the other side because it's envious of the grass on yours. The flowers wilt because the know they'll never be as beautiful as you, darling. The sun hides behind the clouds in shame because it can't compare to the light that sparks in your eyes when you dance in the night. Your heart breaks because it just can't take all the love pumping through it. Your mind says all those nasty things to you because it's jealous of your brilliance. So don't worry my dear, find the good in the bad, and I promise you can do it.

I live by the light of the moon
Dancing underneath the castles in the sky
The night's beauty makes me swoon
And I fell for her mid July
The call of day comes in with the tide
I run from daylight's kiss
In caverns I hide
Because I only live in darkness
When the sun shines bright I can't see
Through squinted eyes
There's no beauty around me
But through the lunar skies
Love reigns supreme
The dark and I together
We make quite a team

I can't be your doormat anymore. I'm sorry. Truly, I am. I want you to be happy. And it seems walking on me makes you that way. But I have to take care of myself now. And taking care of me means you're not welcome here anymore. Don't come to me when you're sad. You used up all the chances you had.

I'll think about you constantly now.. Regardless how "over you" I was. I miss the way you checked on me after I let you know I was broken. I never let you see how much I smiled when you'd go out of your way to say a few sweet words to me.
I regret never telling you just how much you meant to me, and how I was excited to go to some place I hated so deeply cause I got to see your blue eyes glance my way... even for just a moment. I wonder if you noticed  just how nervous I was when you walked my way. Everytime I tried to speak you you, I stumbled over what to say. You gave me a few near heart attacks when you'd appear out of nowhere right behind me. Just seeing you made my heart race, but when you popped out of nowhere it nearly raced out of my chest. I'm sorry I made our conversations so short. I was so sure I'd say something dumb. You deserved to hear the sweetest words and how much I cared. I regret not just swallowing my fear and running to the beat of my racing heart straight up to you and telling you how beautiful you looked. One day, years, months, maybe days from now I'll come back and say hello, and maybe our hello will turn into small talk.. And maybe our small talk will turn into meeting up for coffee and maybe coffee will turn into our third date, but until then I'll just say these few things that you'll never see.

I had forgotten
Your existence entirely
But last night I dreamt
Of you and me
It was dizzying
And a lovely sight to see
In the midst of my wonderland
You grabbed my hands and kissed me
Maybe I was tired
And my brain wasn't thinking clearly
Or maybe last night as I slept
You just so happened to think of me
And I felt myself in your mind
Dancing through your memory
I loved you all this time
And I love you still, baby

Off to Disney
Haven't been since I was five
Guaranteed to be happy
If you keep the magic alive

Young girl
Can't keep her eyes open
The world's much too loud
And she's too soft spoken
Young girl
Can't help but to cry
She's too wise for her age
Sees right through the lie
Young girl
Too fragile for this world
Just like a porcelain doll
With her hair curled
Young girl
Run away from it all
Don't look back
And be careful not to fall

Constant voices envelop my brain
I can't enjoy the silence
When the screaming won't refrain

There are 1,013,913 words in the English language
None of them worthy of describing you
Or the way you make me feel
1,013,913 possible words I could use
But none properly explain how
You tear me to pieces
And stitch me back up
Using only those 1,013,913 words
As your weapon
And your cure
None of the 1,013,913 words in existence
Compare to the beauty of your smile
None of them worth while
Or needed
When your lips touch mine
No word could ever describe the 1,013,913 ways
That I fell in love with you

I don't know who I am when you're gone. Because I found my missing puzzle piece in the palm of your hand and when I held it I was complete. But you left without warning so I'm empty and mourning in this cold house with no heat. You told me I was your angel but your words were so hollow. I'm not sure I believe you and I can't seem to swallow my tears anymore. I still wear that ring that you gave me on my birthday and it reminds me of the things I'm dying to tell you that I just can't say. You're so close to me yet farther away than ever before and I can't help but to sit here and wonder why you closed this door. So while I'm trying to pick up the pieces of my heart, your memory is just tearing me apart. I love you still and I always will I just cant remember why I do, but I'll never forget you.

I could say I miss you
But that'd be an understatement
Not a second goes by that you're not on my mind
I wish and hope and pray that I run into you
Just to see you once more
To watch your hair fall into your face
To fight the urge to tuck it back behind your ear
Because I fear getting too close to you
I imagine it a lot
Seeing you standing in front of me
How it would happen
Where we would be
And what would be said
If I'd be able to look you in the eye
And forget how much you hurt me
Without even knowing you did
If I'd just run away
Or if I'd have the courage to speak
What would I say
Would I ask you how you've been
Or tell you that I crave you when I'm alone
Will I ever get the chance to know?

I'm 17
Almost 18
Young in years
Old in experience
5'10
Nearly six foot
Tall in feet
Short in confidence
Sharp tongued
Soft hearted
Strong outside
Weak inside
Alive in appearance
Dead in emotions
Light eyes
Dark soul
I'm deception
In human form

There's all this pain trapped inside me
I don't know how to get it out
So I cry in hopes of drowning it
But this pain swims along
So I cut my skin hoping to bleed it out
But it just seals up the wound
So I scream
But no noise comes out
So I cry for help
But the pain puts its hand over my mouth
So I lay in silence
And I let it drown me
And cut me open
And scream at me
And hold me down

Die
Useless
Not talented
Ugly
Worthless
Stupid
Disgusting
Not worth it
Weird
Alone
No one
A **** up
The words etched into my brain
They whisper to me
no one cares about you
you mean nothing
Soon they yell
youre disgusting
**** yourself
no one will miss you
So when you tell me
I have no reason to be sad
Take it up with the voices in my head
They're the ones driving me mad

"Here I go falling down down down..."
I run from love
Like a kid hiding from the seeker
I don't want to be found
The farther I run
The deeper I fall
I forget who I am
Where I've been
And why I was even running
To begin with
But before I can remember to run again
It catches up and grabs me from behind
And I fall
"Deep into the funnel of love"

I disappear on purpose. Cause I don't want to exist. I phase slowly in and out of existence. Waiting for someone to notice. To try and reel me back in. But it never happens. I'm tired of the excuses. "You're an artist.. You're supposed to be sad and complicated." "You're young.." I may be all those things but I shouldn't feel like this. Numb isn't natural. I shouldn't be so numb.

I don't see a need in a definition
Why do I have to define my love?
Can't I just fall freely
With whom I choose
Or rather
My heart chooses
I think everyone's beautiful
And interesting
And worth loving
So if I fall in love with a girl
Because she amazes me
And makes my heart flutter
Why is that different
Than if I were to fall in love with a boy?
What's so unnatural about love?
Is love so bad?

Kiss me with your razor lips
Say my name with your dagger tongue
Stare me down with your stone cold eyes
Rip me apart with your words
Patch me up with your lies
Love me darling
With your sinful ways
Promise me forever
With your fingers crossed
Without you, darling
I'd be lost

Perpetual sadness
That's all this is
Just a melancholy mind
And a black soul
Twisting together  
To create a darkness
That envelops every
Happy emotion I have
Until they become
Nothing more than
Neutral, dull, nothingness
I can't feel exitement
My laughter is always forced
My smile never stays
My heart always breaks
Perpetual sadness
That's all my life has become
A rerun
Of nothingness

It's been three months
Four?
I don't know anymore
I have some hope
But it's fading fast
I wanted us to last
I'm scared
What's happened to you?
Do you still think of me too?
I miss your laugh
The way you smile
You know dear, it's been a while
I still have a place
In my heart for you
You have to know that much is true
I may not have a spot in yours
But I love you just the same
I just don't know if I can play this game

It's hard to put my finger on what's wrong with me
What really is hurting me
It's like having a knife in your back
But you just can't find it
So when I'm asked by others
"Well what's making you sad?"
I stumble over my words
And trip over my thoughts
And search for answers
That I just can't seem to grasp
Because I truly don't know
I can't explain how I'm feeling
With the words that I know
It's like asking me to explain the color yellow
To someone who's never seen it before
It's not something I can tell you
To truly understand you'd have to feel it
And see it with your own eyes
But I'd never wish that upon anyone
So I guess I'll never have an answer
And you'll never understand
What's really making me sad
Is more than I can explain
To understand it, you'd have to feel my pain

I'll send you away just like I do with everyone else
I care about you so I'll push you away
As hard as it may be, I won't let you close to me
I can't afford to get hurt so I'll keep you at bay

What sets us apart as humans?
Our vast knowledge of things that don't matter
Perhaps
The common core standards that textbooks preach
Maybe
Our self absorbed selective minds
Or
The fact that we cut our skin to feel beautiful
Quite possibly
The way we document every little thing we do
Or maybe
The way we measure our worth in the number
of likes on that selfie we posted
But I think
Aside from the flawed society we live in
What truly sets us apart
Is our craving for love
The need to give it
And receive it
And whether or not that's a good thing
I've yet to decide

I'm not one for small talk
Some call me introverted
It's not that I'm scared to speak
It's that I don't want to participate
In trivial things
Like how the weather's been
Or what color nail polish is in
Tell me what lurks in the inky black depths
Of your soul
And maybe you'll catch my interest
And maybe I'll tell you what lurks in mine
But until then I'll sit quietly
And sip my tea
And dream of causing a little controversy

Today I was asked what emotion I'm afraid of
Love, fear, guilt, hatred, selfishness..
I wasn't too sure
But I think instead of specifics
I'm just scared of feeling
Love can break you
Guilt can make you do unthinkable things
Fear is what keeps you up at night
Happiness can be ripped away from you
Sadness can drown you
Emptiness is the only time i feel no fear
The lack of emotion
Nothing to live for
Nothing to die for
Nothing to be scared of losing
Emptiness is safe
So I'm afraid of feeling
It's dangerous to feel

I'm not me for you.
I didn't cut my hair for you.
I didn't put on mascara for you.
I didn't put on this dress for you.
I didn't put on my heels for you.
I didn't write this poem for you.
I'm not living for you.
I'm living for me.
So drop your narcissity.