I'm seventeen years old
Young, with my whole life ahead of me
But I've tried to end it before it could even begin
Because society tells me I'm not good enough
So I put on mascara and swipe on my lipstick
In hopes that I'll be worth while
Because the media and magazines and tv told me
That I wasn't
I feel ashamed of my body
Because it doesn't look like hers
And her body is what mine should look like
According to Cosmo and Glamour and Vogue
So I buy a salad when I'm craving a burger
Cause the size of my thighs is more important
Than my desires
So with every diet pill I take
And every self depreciating remark I utter
I become more obsessed with being perfect
An impossible standard that's been set by society
And every time I don't reach it I buy more things
That media tells me will fix my disgusting flaws
So that maybe one day I'll become perfect
And worth while
So that one day I can be proud of who I am
Instead of hiding myself away
Like a princess in a tower

There's a world in your eyes
Such a lonely place
With silvery skies
A kingdom of misery
Adorned with golden lies
Floating on an inky black sea
White nothingness
Surrounds this place
Beneath the lashes
On your face

I'm a corpse
Pretending to be alive
Just waiting
For my black chariot to arrive
To take me away
Down below the sea
Drowning under
My black veil of misery

Does it hurt when I walk by?
Knowing I don't give **** when you cry
You told me I was nothing but a *****
But don't play my game if you can't ******* pitch
Your emotional abuse doesn't work anymore
You can call me a ****, a fake, a *****
Call me what you want babe, but the tables turned
Cause this time you'll be the one to get burned
I took your **** for so long
Thought that if I stood up for myself it was wrong
Now I realize I don't have to put up with you
No matter what ******* you try and guilt me into
I'm not your ******* toy so don't try and play me
Cause it won't end well for you, baby.
So do me a favor and move the **** along
Cause my patience for you won't last long

"You're just like everyone else"  
You said to me over and over again
Every time I tried to get out
Of the cage you had me locked in
"You're just like everyone else"
You accused me of lying
And breaking promises
As you kept me to watch me internally dying
"You're just like everyone else"
You said I'd leave you like the rest
But was I wrong to leave
When you ripped my heart out of my chest
"You're just like everyone else"
You said as you picked apart my flaws
Told me I was nothing, unimportant, stupid
Tore at me with your claws
"You're just like everyone else"
You said crying as I walked out the door
I told you I didn't care
As I left you bleeding on the floor
"You're just like everyone else"
And maybe you're right
But unlike everyone else
I wasn't afraid to fight

There's a cage around my heart
But I can't find the key
I need to release it
So I can be free
I'm the owner of a caged heart
I can't love with these chains
These restraints are only good
For inflicting pain
With each beat of my pulse
The cage becomes more constricting
Life with a caged heart
Isn't worth living

Oh the all too familiar lump in my throat
Salty tears well up in my eyes
Sharp pain in my chest
Heartbreak over your web of lies
You speak hollow words
From an empty soul
But you fill them up with charm
Until you fill up the hole
A silver tongued snake
Hissing your *******
Weighing on me until I break
Shattered, torn, and bruised
You leave me in my kingdom of sorrow
I hate you
But I'll love you again tomorrow.

Once you've come to terms with dying
You stop checking for monsters under the bed
If they **** you, you won't mind
Besides, they live in your head
No more looking both ways
When you cross a busy street
If they hit you, maybe you'll die
You think as you stare down at your feet
No point in reading how many pills
You're supposed to take
You take the whole bottle
Maybe you'll finally break
Are accidents still accidents
If they're purposely done?
What if you accidentally
Shot that loaded gun

If you won't be here for me in life
Don't come around when I'm dead
You could have saved me
From myself and my sins
Could have protected me from this world I live in
But instead you're off living it up
While I lie here drowning in my cup
Filled with god knows what
But I don't care
Cause it's numbing my brain
Easing my pain
That you've so carelessly caused
And now you say you wish you could pause
And rewind
Back to the time
When I was alive and well
Little did you know, I was already in my own hell
That you could have saved me from
If you had just cared
Just a bit for me
But now I lie here cold and blue
And you
You're crying over my lifeless shell
Because you didn't believe me when I said
I was in my own personal hell
You let me die
You know you did
And now this guilt has a hold of you
And you're in your own personal hell too

I miss you
With every beat
Of my pained heart.

Where are you when I need you?
You're not around
Just shut the **** up.
Don't make a sound
When I'm dead
Don't you dare cry
When I'm looking down
Your lashes better be dry
I know your tears are all for show
Guilt mixed in there too
But when I was in need
Where were you?
I called out to you
Crying your name
Needing the comfort
That never came
So now when I'm gone
Don't cry for me
Go on living
And leave me be
Don't say I was beautiful
Don't say how much you cared
Because if you did
Wouldn't you have been there?
Don't say it's so sad
For someone so young
Don't let that bull
Slip past your tongue
Don't open your mouth
To say that you loved me
Because let's face it
Did you, really?

Who am I?
I could tell you my name
Or the year I was born
But it's all the same
I'm not telling you who I am
With an answer like that one
It's just my label
The name I was given
Who I am
Isn't so easily obtained
Who I am
Is me when I'm playing in the rain
Who I am
Is my tears that fall
Who I am
Is my fearlessness to stand tall
Who I am
Is not just a name
Who I am
Is my inner flame

Broken piano
I play no tune
You try to play
Clair de lune
On my keys
Of ivory and black
Beautiful outside
But inside they lack
They won't hit
The right note
They get caught
In my throat

Pierce my heart
Freeze my veins  
Never let me
Feel again
Rip me in two
Shatter my soul
Toss it in
The blackest hole
Lose the color
In my lips
Turning blue
My fingertips
Bleed me out
Til I'm dry
The lowest lows
With no highs
Black roses grow
In my chest
All I want
Is to rest
I become death
And death becomes me
I may be decaying
But at least I'm doing it gracefully

Introverted
Extroverted
Procrastinator
I'll figure it out later
Socially awkward
Fashion forward
Emotionally unstable
Pick a label
Depressed
But well dressed
Tired eyes
See the lies
High heels
Too many feels
I have to become
Emotionally numb
Cause I strive
To survive
Know your place
Put on your brave face
Let them label you
They haven't got a clue
Who you are
Beneath that scar
They notice the imperfections
On every section
Of your body that they pick apart
But they're blind to the beauty of your heart.

Decorations
That's all they are
Little pink
Decorations
Raised bits
Of my skin
Adorn my arm
The same way
Ornaments
Adorn
A Christmas tree
Decorations
My scars are
Decorating me

I've considered killing myself
More times than I've considered
Learning how to live again
Because I don't want to
Live all over again
Only to die all over again
I've thought about cutting my wrists
More times than I've tried
Letting the other cuts heal
I've cried over you
More times than I've smiled
In my whole life
I've told others
How beautiful and fantastic they are
More times than I've told myself
I'm worth something
I've lost more than I've gained
And died more than I lived
The amount of tears I cried could drown
The amount of times I've smiled

Don't worry
I'll be gone very soon
I'll disappear into wherever it may be
I'm very sorry
I troubled you
It'll never happen again
That I can swear to
I won't speak
Or breathe your way
I won't be able to
I'm too far gone
You can't reel me in
Let me sink
This is the end
Of me
The little girl
With too much hope
Reality hit her hard
She just couldn't cope

If I carve out my heart
Maybe it'll stop the pain
If I slice my wrists
Maybe I'll never have to breathe again
I'm done
I can't take it anymore
I've had my fun
But now I'm closing the door
On my life
I'm afraid this is goodbye
Don't pretend that you loved me
And don't you dare cry
I'm gone
Im sorry I guess
I couldn't take it any longer
Couldn't handle the stress

**** me
I don't deserve to live
I pick at my self
In a desperate search
To find the beauty within
But all I'm left with
Is a hollow heart
Broken and used
Completely torn apart
I'm not beautiful
Nor pretty
Nor skinny
Nor funny
I'm nothing
Invisible
Disgusting
Good for nothing
Self loathing
Maybe I am something
I'm nothing to you
And nothing to me
A shell full of nothing
A something
And that something
Is me

These pills don't work
My face is a mess
I'm just a tragedy
In a dress
**** the lies
I'm always told
I don't know if I can wait
Til I'm old
I want to die now
There's no use for me
I'm just a pointless little
Tragedy

I am not afraid of dying
I'm already dead
Fear is imaginary
It's made up in your head
But I envy those who are afraid
Of the absence of life known as death
Because they have something to live for
Before they take their last breath
If death is the absence of life
Then I've already been dead for a while
Life hasn't been around for some years
Left me alone and took my ability to smile
Death is painless
Incredibly easy to slip into
That numb feeling
That death creates in you
I'm a ghost among the living
No joy to be had
But being so very dead
Isn't so very bad
I feel nothing
No pain, no fear, no joy
I was nothing to life
Just another human toy
I was nothing all along
Life is just a beautiful lie
Death made me see the truth
Through my own soulless eye
No one really cared
All I felt was pain
Death let me see the light
Through life's darkness and rain

None

My skin
Snowy porcelain
Scarlet soils
My Snow White complexion
You're the bandage
To my destructive self image
I cut deeper
You try harder
To paint my smile back on my face
Wipe away all the tears without a trace
From so far away
You keep me warm
When I'm cold and done
You're my sun
Your tongue speaks only truth
To me you are honest
I trust your love
You're my blessing from above
Come to save me from myself
Just by caring for me
Your love gives me hope
Keeps me from letting go of my rope

I often wonder
How people would react
If they could hear
The thoughts that trickle through
My mind
How often I tell myself
It's my fault
Everything is my fault
You're not pretty enough
Not smart enough
Not talented enough
Not nice enough
Not skinny enough
But I cannot speak
These thoughts
So instead
I could write a novel
Entitle it
Nicotine and broken dreams
And fill it with all my thoughts
It'd be written in blood
And stained with tears
Pages upon pages
Filled with hatred
And self loathing
It will be considered
Tragic and poetic
When in reality
I'm just pathetic
I mean nothing
Not a single thing
I'm unimportant
Worthless
Pointless
Good for nothing
A monster
A monster who gives her love
To everyone else
And saves none
For herself
A monster who leaves
Herself empty
And the empty spaces
Are filled with negative thoughts
That I must write down
To release

I march along the pavement
Feeling incredibly lonely
Although I am not alone
I have my demons with me
Depression draped like a scarf
Resting over my eyes
I cannot see
Through it's myriad of lies
Anxiety whispering
Softly In my ear
You're not good enough
You don't belong here
My BDD stops me
At every mirror I pass by
I have to meet the standards
Of my demons perfectionist eye
I walk along shrouded
In my invisible darkness
You look at me and see a normal girl
You'd never guess I carry all this

I want to go back
To being an eagle on the swing daddy built for me
I want to go back
To watching ****** doo every day
I want to go back
To momma packing my lunch
I want to go back
To math being 2+2
I want to go back
To asking Santa for presents
I want to go back
To when 18 seemed aeons away.
I want to go back there
And far far away from this new reality here

I'm scared. Yeah I'll admit it. I'm ******* scared. I got my first job today. And in doing that I realized why I waited so long to get one. Because it ******* terrifies me. Inside I tricked myself into thinking that I was still ten years old, without a care in the world. But now I'm working. Clocking in and out. Making money to live. And it's scary as hell. To be ripped out of your comfort zone and spoon fed a dose of reality. I'm 17. But I'd give anything to be 16 again. Just rewind me back a year or a few. Im 17. I'm not supposed to feel like this. I'm supposed to be excited. At least that's what I've been told. But instead I'm sitting alone in my room crying over growing up. And I'm scared of that.

Help.
I'm.
Feeling.

I can feel the frustration
Bubbling over
Like a shaken up soda
Got my four leaf clover
Lucky I didn't
Explode this time
I was close
To commuting that crime
Explosion of emotion
Bomb is set free
All my anger towards you
Flying out of me
I'll pay for my sins
But so will you
If that prophecy
Is even true
Be careful not to
Set me off
Cause stopping a bomb
Is proven quite tough

C

The sun may see me every day
But the moon knows me
In every way
She knows how many tears it takes
To soak my pillow
She calls to me like a friend
Her little weeping willow
She knows the blood that trails
Down my skin
She knows I patch myself up
Only to begin all this again
She knows how desperately
I'm trying to fly to her
Like a little plane
Made of paper
She knows one day
I'll make it
I'll fly up to her
And there I won't have to fake it
The smile I paint on
For the sun
I'll start my new adventure with the moon
And the one down here can be done.

I paint my nails a dark color
To hide the blood under my nails
I apply my makeup every morning
To give life to my sleepy tear soaked eyes
I wear long pants
To conceal the cuts on my thighs
I wear long sleeves
To cover up the scars that adorn my arms
I paint on a smile
To distract from the sadness that truly lies there
I am the master of disguise
You look at me and don't expect a thing
I'm wonderful at covering up
All this pain I'm harboring.

I'm not scared of death.
I'm not scared of pain.
I'm not scared of ghosts
Nor monsters.
I'm scared of myself
And what I'm capable of
How I treat myself behind closed doors
Cuts here and there
Blood stains underneath my nails
I'm scared that one day I'll end it
Before I even realize what I've done

I wish I was a candle
Because when a candle gets burned
To the point of no return
It just slowly melts away
It doesn't have to live on
Harboring all the pain
It just disappears
Until it is nothing
I am nothing
So why haven't I been given the gift of disappearing?

You came into my life
Like dandelion fluff in the breeze
Sweet, soft, magestic
You floated in with ease
Fresh snowfall
On a crisp winter night
The thought of you
Keeps me warm and alright
You placed your heart
Within my gentle hands
Your love flutters in the air
And in my battered soul it lands
And through my tired eyes
I can truly see
Right through your disguise
You're broken
Just like me
But together we can fix each other
Together we can see
The light that burns
In both of our torn up hearts
With fire and ice
We create the ultimate work of art

I think I'll start introducing
Myself as "not good enough"
That's the thing
Never have been
I never will be
Hello My Name Is
Never good enough me
First name never
Last name enough
Being this way
It's pretty tough
But I might as well
Be honest right of the bat
Yeah, I'm not good enough
Thought I should tell you that.

Your name tastes sweet like cotton candy
When it rolls off my tongue into your ear
Something you can't help but to want more of
Every time you hear
Your smile is dangerously beautiful
Like a wild rose
I've tried to hide how much I love you
But everyone knows
Our paths were breathtakingly close
But they never met
Until that perfect moment
When the time was set
I never knew head over heels
Until you turned my world upside down
Now my feet
Are over my crown
But the worlds more beautiful like this
Upside down, turned over, a different way
To see everything anew
Forever is how long I plan to stay
Head over heels
In love with you.

I've started wishing again
Stars, eyelashes
Wishbones, 11:11
Creating pictures from the ashes
I doodle your name
In the pages of my heart
To me you are
More beautiful than any work of art
You are the sun
To my rain
You take away
Every ounce of pain
Will you be mine?
Will you love my mind
And my fragile
Soul as it gently unwinds
In your hands
You can mold it
To any shape or form you please
My heart, you can hold it
I trust you
With every inch of my being
In my dreams
It's you I'm seeing
I
Crave
You

I'm falling down that rabbit hole
This love has taken its toll
Drifting through this swirling abyss farther down
I finally spot the ground
Feet planted firmly
A bustling tea party
Offer me a drink
Just a spot, the tea cups clink
Filled with who knows what
I want to run but
I'm growing
Overflowing
I need to find you
You'll know what to do
To get me out of this mad, mad, world inside
Without you, I can only run and hide
You are my bravery to help me defeat
The monsters I must beat
To get back to reality
The cat told me I must find my sanity
Without you it's not there
Just ask the March Hare
I'm mad without you by my side
Much like the hatter who uses his hat as a ride
Can't you see we're late?
For a very important date
We must get back now
We have no time to figure out how
We'll fight our madness together
Get out of this world forever
Fight the jabberwocky
To find the key
Back reality with you by my side
You are my bravery, my sanity, my pride

Goodbye to you
Sweet hopeless dream
Our story wasn't meant for two
Not a shimmer, not an inlkling, not a gleam
Of sadness in your eye
As I slowly walk away
Breaking the tie
That held us day by day
Unwinding endlessly
The knots come undone
Completely, utterly, helplessly
Fading in the sun
Our love used to be bright
Magnificently colorful and wild
It's turned dim, no light
Unbearably mild
Maybe I'll miss you
When I feel that imprint you left on me
But now were through
And I am free

Oh the feelings you ignite
My heart like a light
I haven't felt this way
In forever, I'd say
Not sudden like the others
Been growing under the covers
Kept it inside for so long
Are these feelings so wrong?
Maybe I'm in love with your crooked smile
I pray it stays this way for a while
I don't want to fall out of whatever this may be
Somehow you feel the same about me
Maybe it'll turn out right this time
This isn't too bad of a crime
I think I've fallen for you
Yes, I think it's true
I love you my little sweet pea
I think maybe you're the one for me

The worlds hazy hue
Beneath my purple tinted shades
Thinking of you
Makes me want to give up the blades
My lipstick stained cigarette
Between my lips
You let
Me put my hands on your hips
Steal the cigarette with a kiss
Inhale the smoke
Little miss
I've got half a pack cause I'm too broke
To buy anymore
I'd give my last to you
Rob the convenience store
If you wanted me to
Bite marks on your collar bone
The scent of your skin
Smells like home
Pop a pill out of the little tin
Kiss me gently
Push it in my mouth
In the back of your Bentley
While we travel down south

My little suicidal sweet pea
Tells her pain and troubles to me
She gives up so often
Watching her heart soften
I've never been good at expressing how I feel
But without you my heart would never heal
Please stay
If only for another day
No one is better off without you
I promise you, it's true
Especially not me
You'd leave me in misery
You're the first who truly understands
The pain I've had to withstand
And I understand yours
So please don't close your doors
Continue telling me how you feel
My love for you is real
I'll take care of you as long as you need me to
Please my suicidal sweet pea, don't be so blue

Alone
Never lonely
Never good enough
For anybody
Pick apart
All my flaws
Until my soul
Is rubbed raw
Not pretty enough
Too delicate
To be tough
Not as talented as her
Not as lovely
Needing to be thinner
My hips
Too wide
I crush
My pride
I do this
So self inflicted
I want to love myself
But I'm so conflicted
How do I love
Someone so disgusting
The tears I cry
Have my heart of steel rusting
Making it harder to break free
From this self inflicted misery

Soft melodies
Float through my memories
Your image dances and sways
Through my head it plays
Breaks through my internal storm
Turns an icy cold, fiery and warm
The bells I hear
Bring you near
I yearn to always remember
The warmth in my veins, like an ember
The closer you get to me
The more beautiful the melody
Sparks ignite
A blinding light
Darkness fades into the moon
A promise assures you'll be here soon
I feel you now in this instance
Our love carries us through the distance
My soul contentedly entwines with yours
All I can hear is love's soft roars
Brought together clandestinely
To become one is our destiny.

Love
Four letters
One syllable
No meaning.

I'm writing this for your heart of steel
I hope to be eloquent enough
I want it to make you feel
These words that pour
From the back of my mind
Are like downtown girls
That don't mix with your uptown kind
I'll figure out how to tell you
That you remind me of a star
That burning light that you can almost reach
But it's a bit too far
I'll tell you in a way
That you just can't resist
And if it doesn't work
I'll just persist
Your eyes like the emerald city
Wild, fierce, and unknown
Your voice peals like bells
Such a magnificent tone
How do I convey to you
How fast my heart pumps
I catch a brief glimpse of you
And it automatically jumps
You leave me intoxicated
Breathless to say the least
My eyes are hungry
And on you they feast
To describe your elegance
Would be to describe a color that's not seen
All my life
Where has someone this perfect been
Four years seems so short
In the grand scheme of it all
It took so little time
For me to fall

Take another sip
Burning elixir
Careful, don't tip
Over and fall
On the floor
In front of them all
Force the laugh
Take another shot
Only half
The bottle is gone
Play a little game
With yourself
Becoming less tame
Morals tucked away on the shelf
Anything to make you feel alive
Something you've not truly felt
Since you were five
That was the year
You realized
With a single tear
You're not like the rest
You're dead inside
This part of you
You have to hide
Drags you down
Each and every day
The higher you get
The higher the price to pay
It's expensive to feel alive
But you take that plunge
You take that dive
Anything to mask the pain
To make it easier to return
Home again.

Look down
No eye contact
Why is he looking at me
like that?
Look down
Keep a fast pace
I wonder if he
can hear my heart race?
Look down
You're overreacting
But you're such a
delicate young thing.
Look down
You're easy prey
desperately trying to
remember what they say.
Look down
get in your car
Drive away fast
drive away far.
Look back
he carried a gun
heart racing,
the battle's been won.