I have been diluted by life
I started out strong and concentrated
But bit by bit
I became a weird faint colour
of the paint I used to be
Okay for decoration
for year or two
But if you want longevity
Or consistency
Or value for money
Then honestly
I’m probably not the paint for you

I have too much to explain
I cannot
For if I did it would spill out onto this table
Too much
For you
My blood
Bright red
Oozing through the Waterford glass and silver
People would think it red wine and laugh
I would see
My life
Spread out
Before me

I dis
appoint you
almost as much as
you dis
appear me
most days

I know I throw words at you
like stones
they reign heavy upon your head
they are formed in my heavily bruised brain
fuelled by my pain
dissolved by your love

The world is still spinning
That much is true
But God, I have never felt so dizzy
Trying to keep it true

Do you believe in love
And death
And all the rest
If so
why do you fly
So far abreast from
the crest
Of the wave

Do you love me
he said
I will try
I said

Someone said that
some of us could do better
We all nodded and agreed
Someone said that
most of us know better
We all nodded and agreed
Someone said that
Someday we will regret it
We all nodded and agreed
Someone said that
We should stand up straight now
And be counted
Someone else said
Now is the time to leave

Don’t fall asleep on me
I know you are tired
as am I
But please
don’t fall asleep on me
not now
If you do
I fear
we might never
ever
ever
wake up again.

Don’t love me
in disguise
I am honestly
not clever enough
or big enough
for the surprise

don’t write me a letter
you know
I never learned how to read

Don’t try to save me
in truth
I’m sinking
faster than none
Don’t try to raise me
in truth
I’m screaming louder
than fun
spoiling your fun
Don’t try to reach me
In truth
We’re trying
Too hard
in truth
don’t try to save me
in truth
our time is
undeniably
undefinable
just about
heartbreakingly
done .

Don’t call it
not now
unless you are absolutely sure
don’t try
Don’t call it
not now
because we have a hundred other ways
to make it fly

Don’t look up
I’m leaving
Don’t catch my eye
We will surely cry
Don’t move
Don’t speak
Don’t flinch
Don’t catch my eye
Don’t look up
I’m leaving
Don’t look up
Don’t watch us die

All right then
lets leave it now
lets park it at the door
you are right
And I
well, I am just the girl
who agreed
to park it at the door

Down here
in the murky blue
navy blue
grey of life
that us few
allow
ourselves
ever to feel
don’t you feel
just
a little bit more
sanctimonious
just
a little bit more
connected to life
Or is that just
me?

I am searching for
New York City
in your eyes
wading deep
in Wall Street lies

Autumn
is closing in now
have you seen the leaves ?
the sun is lower now
do you feel relief?

You are beautiful
he said
I accepted that
with dread.

I know my tears
and my sorrow
drips and drips and drips
like torture upon your brain
know this
it drips on my brain too

you drip feed me
the truth
because you love me
I drip feed you
my love
because
it’s the right thing to do.

You dropped our love today
I think when you left early
for work
I saw it as I left with the kids
tossed to the side
I think the postman caught it
in his heel

Hello!
Hello!
Hello Miss
hang on
Hello Miss
hang on
Sorry
so sorry
hang on
I think you dropped this
as you disembarked the train
I usually wouldn’t have bothered
except
I think it might be your
heart.

words drip
easily
like melted ice
from my lips
drown
the words
I am so desperately
trying
to say.

Let the dust settle
in our heads
let the words
go unsaid
tomorrow
we will meet
again

There are so many ways
to get it right
So how come we miss them
Each and  every
night?

There is a long queue
behind me
and a huge pain inside me
difference is
I loved you
unlike most of those behind me
I believe
the sadness is
you called this one
too early

When my world
is too desperately dark
I do what you said
I go to sleep
wake up early
and call you

we were all right when
it was easy to be all right
beautiful blond children
and music all night
lazy languid days
and sleepy morning goodbyes
wall street dinners
and New York City cries
too much of too much
an abundance of abundance
lay a path to our redundance.

Tell me what you you want me to say
And I will say it
on a loop
everyday
I guess it’s easier
This way
less pain
I’d say

I am buried
deep
beneath an emotion
that does not have my name
on it.

My love
was always worth
more
and a little more respect
than the
end
of us

The end came quicker
than either of us expected
I would have marked it
somehow
if I had known
not quite a party
but maybe
an inappropriate balloon?

The thing with these days
is that too many people
have too much to say
and they say it
Endlessly
Exhaustingly
Inexcusably
repeatedly
every
******
frigging
single
day.

heal me
you said
I hear you
I said
save me
you said
I will try
I said
but actually
I haven’t got
the
friggin’ energy
I said.

If I say nothing
and you say nothing
and we just  skim the outskirts of our
life
if we rise to a sun
we’re not brave enough to own
and we dance to a tune
we’ll never own
if we do it everyday
it might just be okay
if we dance long enough
if we dance
if we dance
convincingly
outrageously  
it may be
Yes it may be
maybe
It may be
just about
enough

None of the love you gave me
was good enough
I know you tried
you know I cried,
but none of the love
you gave me
was ever good
enough

I want to say
you got the best of me
but I think we both know
there wasn’t much best left
so instead
you got what was left of me
and somehow
that was
enough.

Life
reigns heavy
upon our life
but your heart
sits lightly
upon mine
enough said.

Hello there
Well, hello you too
I’ve never seen anyone with hair like you
it wasn’t good
it wasn’t great
but you know what
it was enough!

I envy the smile
that sits so easily
upon your face

Nothing here is of interest to me
Is there something terribly wrong with me?
I pick up my things
and sneak back home
Desperately hoping
I will never hear from
anyone of you
ever
again

the conversation around here
is a long time dead
no one mourned it’s passing

The conversation around here
is such a long time dead
banality reigns
triumphantly
Instead

There is a dearth
Of good conversation around here
A lack of humor
A tumor
growing steadily
Can we cure it
Without insult?

we are talking ourselves into
another decade together
after all the tears
and all the doubts
all the fears
and the what abouts
after all the
who we could have been
and should have been
if we didn’t hold each other back
even after all that
we are talking ourselves into
another decade together

Good Evening!
you look well!
almost good
to see you
you are welcome
if you leave your dishonesty
at the door.

Evening calls
But not for me
It creeps in gently
almost silently
to comfort the lost
and lonely
Speckled navy blue caresses
ease the worried mind
arms so gentle and secure
they leave the sad behind
Evening calls
envelops the mind
with soft silky silhouettes
of saner settled times
Evening calls
each one of you
forward
faintly
to sunnier safer times

Happy now?
you ask
yeah, a little bit
at last
no regrets
about two million and twenty three
still, even so
it’s been a blast