I can't seem to grasp the fact that the world in fact is an ugly place.
We live in a world where suicide is an easier way out than being yourself.
We live in a world where kids have adult minds.
We live in a world where no one is utterly happy.

We live in a world where no one seems to understand the idea of being kind.
The world from afar is such a beautiful thing.
Yet close up, face to face with one another, everything is far much unappealing.

We live in a world where war is an option to obtain peace.
We live in a world where our leaders keep secrets from the public.
We live in a world where women cannot go outside without being harassed.
We live in a world where homosexuality is seldom accepted.

Why is it that as human beings, instead of helping our own kind, we turn our backs to one another.
One day you people will see the error of your ways.
One day you people will see the pain you've inflicted on not only others but a prolonged pain on yourselves.

But for now I'll continue to sit back and watch the planet wither. Slowly but surely.

And I just don't understand.

All my life I've been lectured to stay away from the dangerous things in life.
Stray animals, unknown substances, drugs, alcohol, and the things in between.
But no one ever warned me about the dangers of falling in love.
The way it resembles all the listed dangers.
Oh how love can wound my heart as if it has clawed it bit by bit.
Oh how love is so world known yet so strange and confusing.
Oh how love takes me to the highest clouds with addiction being the aftermath.
Oh how love can make me fumble, release my secrets, and bring me a pounding ache the morning after.
But no one ever warned me about the dangers of falling in love.
Maybe because love in all reality is far worse than any spiked drink.
Worse than a pill that drives me insane.
Worse than being mauled by sharp teeth and claws.
Love is more of a carcinogen.
Flowing through my bloodstream, unwanted, hurtful.
A substance I can't remove, despite the many attempts.
Love is far too dangerous for one to speak of.
Love is something so dangerous we refuse to accept it as an actual threat.

I remember the night you swore to the god you don't believe in that you didn't love me anymore.
The way your brown eyes morphed into a deep pitch black.
Blacker that our sorrowful souls combined.
I didn't think I'd ever hear those words.
But they crawled from my ears into my barely beating heart.
Stabbing every inch of it, naturally tearing it apart.
You see, we could have had it all but, the the god forsaken demons came back.
They crawled back into your mind..
and filled it like the the tears filling my small round eyes.
I almost drowned in the ocean of emotion.
You were no longer my lifeline.
And you swear you're fine.
Oh how you repeat it, that you're getting by.
I write and write every miserable thought.
My pages filling up like the darkness filled the sky as the days turned into nights.
Woe is me, woe is me.
I repeat those words so miserably.
The thoughts of losing the only thing I had choked me.
The thoughts wrapped their evil around my neck.
But the noose I'm making is going to be a lot tighter.
As my love grew deeper, my heart grew lighter.
Losing feeling, losing it's rhythm.
I wrote and wrote until I ran out of ink.
Now I'll make my way to the bathroom sink.
I'll peck and scratch at my skin.
I'll peck and scratch at the thoughts that I think.
My black ballpoint pen became my red ballpoint pen.
And I now continue to write again.
Eventually I'll run out of pages.
Oh my soft tan skin will make a beautiful canvas.
I ask and ask if you're absolutely certain that you don't need me.
And the answer remains the same.
You don't need me.
You don't need this.
So I scrapped together every memory, every kiss.
Oh the sweet bliss of pretending they stayed in place.
My love.
But the thing is, you're not mine.
Love.

I turn the shower water on to a piping hot.
Hestitant but without backing out I enter.
I cringe a little as the droplets ambush me.

I allow the hot to hurt me.
I deserve the pain.

I sit in the middle of the tub and close my eyes.
The pit and patters of the water sooth my soul.
I close my eyes before the boiling water burns them, I can still feel it against my eyelids.
My makeup runs down and as if cued..
So do my tears.

I try to remember what it was like to feel love from another and I can't recall it.
Every time you made me smile was replaced with every time you made me angry.
Every time you called me beautiful was replaced with every time you made me feel hideous.
I silently cry to avoid anyone from listening.

Each water drop a memory of ours.
Good and bad.
All ending the same however;
down the drain.

The steam became too much to handle and I am suffocating. Unable to breathe anymore.
But the feeling is similar to how I felt with you.

The piping hot water may sting and burn and leave me sore, but it's the only thing I can feel anymore.

At fourteen I swore I knew the world. I swore I've been through everything and anything life has to offer.
A lot more than my age and face told.
But then you came along.
And no body warned me, no body prepared me for that.
The second I laid my eyes on you, I entered an entirely new world.
Perfection.
Bliss.
Love.
I felt as if your mere presence was the plane ticket to paradise, a staircase to heaven.

But everything that goes up must come down.
And we did.
The good vibes and good times were swept up and swallowed by a wave of incompatibility.
I was drowning. You weren't there to help anymore.  

I can't believe the things we've endured.
I can't believe I lost years of my life to such a young boy.
No, not young in age, in which we are the same.
But young in mind and soul.

Back in a time where our bodies never ceased to touch, I remembered every detail.
The warmth of your breath on my neck as you lowered your kisses to my stomach.
Sending goosebumps all over my arms, making me release sweet soft gasps.
The way your hand caressed my face as you looked into my eyes.
Your sweet warm brown eyes.
The way we began to feel the increase of warmth in our bodies.
The way we began to breathe in any air we could while locking lips.
Oh how surreal it was to see your body bare in front of me, your soft skin against mine.
Excited, I couldn't keep up. I couldn't breathe.
You took my breath away with every ******, with every heartbeat.
How beautiful my name sounded when you whispered it into my ear.
How beautiful you made me feel.

We wouldn't stop.
We couldn't stop.
We didn't want to stop.

With all that passion, you'd call me crazy to forget, but I did.
I lay on my bed and close my eyes to begin to recall every provocative move we made.
I can't name a single thing.
Every inch of skin on me that you kissed, no traces.
As if every kiss evaporated into our atmosphere of evanescent love.
I twist and turn and try again.
I don't remember the color of your eyes.
I don't remember the love we had in mind.
I can't recall the sound of your voice and I smiled in joy.
I can't recall the feeling of you entering my body both physically and mentally.
Was it ever even real?
What we did on a day to day basis, why can't I remember?

Another day, another memory lost.

The past is a funny thing, the way it comes back unexpected.
Reminding you of who you lost, what you lost, and all you've protected.
I spent the last couple of years throwing it all away, in hope that it would bring a better day.
Old love, old faces, new love, new places.
Hateful foes and friends that never made it to the end.
It all comes together, but who knew such things would only cause me to get hurt.
Today I am a happy girl, yet I still live in this hateful world.
The pain is still present in my torn heart.
It comes back every now and then just to tear me apart.
The feeling burns on the very inside.

This is when the good and the bad finally collide.

I can't sleep.
The voices in my head overwhelm me.
The images in my mind are something no person should see.

I can't sleep.
The wrongs I've done come back to haunt me.
I'm never right and I never will be.

I can't sleep in my own bed.
The loneliness fills my severely empty head.
The thoughts that lurk within me scream "You're better off dead."

I can't sleep.

The bag under her eyes carry far much more than the sense of weariness.
They carry all the poor dear has ever seen.
Broken promises, empty dreams.
Nothing is ever as good as they seem.

"It get's better."
Though I'd like to find solace in three mere words, I cannot.
Three words.
Isn't it funny how unlucky that number can be.
Isn't it funny how three words can make or break our souls.
"I love you."
"I hate you."

Three words.

I spend my days and night often conjuring up scenarios of you and me.
Wishing and hoping to one day feel your hand in mine, and your hands on my body.
Laying down I close my eyes and hear my heartbeat.
Thump, thump, thump.
Each beat matching the sound of the throbbing in my head after every night of painful thinking.
Each beat a hit from reality to remind me that we will never be.
I adore your sweetness and soft ****** features.
Every word you spare me lifts my heart from the pit of my stomach.
Giving me the slightest of attention is close enough to a caress for my soul.
But you don't know what you mean to me.
You don't understand how it feels when I look for you and you never look back.
You'd be the cactus I'd desperately search for in a piping hot desert.

I'm just one of the many daisies in your garden of admirers.

I lay my eyes on you today and resent and remorse are shot through my bones. The sound I craved that is released from your mouth is now just noise. The color of your eyes I had memorized but now I struggle to remember how warm the shade of brown you possess is. I had laughed at all of your jokes, no matter how silly or irrelevant, and now I’m sick of the same punchline and outcome. Your once sparkly and undefeatable smile now dulls my heart, for I have seen brighter and sweeter. Your once soft skin resembles that of a cactus for I attempt my best to prevent any form of contact with you. Your once incredible bed head hairstyle now bores me as much as your personality. I observe and note down mentally the love you’ve shared with myself, with others, and now with your permanent lover. Nothing appears different, not even the slightest. You've yet to change your affection, but you've only changed the who. Similar in many ways, you’re repeating love with a different name. How is it that I believed in every step of what we used to endure that I, in your eyes, was irreplaceable, unattainable to others for you were mine forever, that I was your soul mate, that we were perfect? You now repeat similar if not exact words to another and it baffles me. Does your conscience ever lurk through your heart of stone, with the memories of what was? Do the voices in your head ever speak to you in the middle of night like mine? Two hearts, two minds, similar in purpose yet diverse in what we choose to pursue.

There are millions and millions of people on the planet.
Every day another is born, another is gone.
We're surrounded by not only people, but our environment.
The bright sun in our eyes, the sound of voices and traffic out in the streets, the pretty flowers we never take time to smell, and the city lights that are on every night, shining as bright as the moon and stars above us.
If I ask you to name every single thing you've seen around you, you wouldn't be able to count them all on your fingers.
We live our life day by day, many live in a routine, stuck in a never ending cycle.
Try and try to count the hello's, the goodbye's, all the faces you've seen.
Day by day by day.
We're surrounded by so much.
We're surrounded by a world full of creatures, beauty, and horrors.
But then..

why do I still feel so alone in a world that is so crowded?

4 am and my pain hasn't gone to bed.
I'm laying still evaluating every word you've said.

4 am and my mind has lost control.
My stomach whirling, my hands so cold.

4 am and I don't know where I am
Lost in a beach of thoughts, each one a grain of sand.

4 am and I can't feel a thing
Close my eyes while the demons sing

4 am and I'm on heavy drugs too
Effects aren't wearing off, neither are my feelings for you

I don't need you to feel complete.
Just like I didn't need you to get back on my feet.
Your soul is filled with filth and grime.
Your ******* up should be a crime.
You wouldn't know a warm heart if it hit you in the face.
You ******* scoundrel, it's best to learn your place.
Jump down into the ground, bury yourself with your shame.
Your blackened heart will one day drive you insane.
I pity the person who endures your ways.
You're wasting life away and ruin good days.

The desire of wanting someone to care to know when I've arrived home. Extraordinary yearn for the late night talks on the phone when I've gone through the day and sit alone. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and attempt within attempt I have yet to find another who can find solace in my form of being a lover. I've left marks on the cleanest slates with no fail or sign of difficulty but lately it seems like the world turned it's back on the humanity within me. And would rather face the kind of faces that are deemed worth a million selfies. But I'm selfless.

I've heard and read this story over a thousand times.
Two kids at the age of 14 falling in love and calling each other "mine."
Two years later and things aren't set so well.
What felt like heaven morphed into a darker hell.
"How silly of these two to believe in young love.
How ignorant of the girl to put the boy above."
I repeat those words as I continue to read.
Sympathizing what the boy wanted and what the girl felt she needs.

I've since then fell in and out of him.
I lived the story, my mind now dim.
We believed in young love.
I put him above.

I read the same book I read before.
Sympathy became empathy, and I read more.
Every bit of the story sounds familiar.
Reaching the ending drives me crazier.

They always say an old relationship has the same ending.
Rusty trust, salty tears, and repenting.
They say an old love is like rereading the same book.
You know what happens, yet you're still hooked.
"Stop going back, it ends the same, trust me."
But I've always been a fan of painful tragedies.

I've done my best to suppress the thoughts of and yearn for you.
Drinking only released my thoughts aloud to you and the world too.
I even tried to smoke it off, I tried to turn my high's into final goodbyes.
I swore another lover's lips would make my unresolved feelings die.
But not another's bed could mold two bodies as perfectly as yours did.
Sure any pair of hands and lips could please, and sure it'd feel like you if I closed my eyelids.
But drink after drink, high after high, and lover to lover, nothing changed.
Unless we can count the loss of my self respect, the love for my being isn't the same.
I swear to the false image of a god that I wished nothing but the best for you.
Yet I never thought I'd see you more content than me in the things you do.
I spend every day with a mask on to hide the hollowness and sorrow.
It's been months and months attempting to move on from this, but you're one tough act to follow.
I sit at home and ponder on where my life has fallen since you've been gone.
Through my facade, my misery was inevitably prolonged.

When I first laid my eyes on you, my heart began to race.
Because as cliche as it could be..
You were such a sight.
Every time we touched I felt the warmth rush to my face.
Every time I hugged you, the smell of secondhand smoke filled my nose.
I may not smoke, but the scent made me smitten.
I hate the cold but loved the way it gave me an excuse to be closer to you.
The way you looked at me made me shake and nervous.
Adjusting to new arms, new eyes to look at, new warmth made me scared.
But in the most positive and thrilling way possible.
I found comfort in your jokes, your embrace, I found comfort in your presence.

I've always feared unknown paths but took a chance.
Being around you felt natural.
Being around you felt right.
So I trusted myself and fell into your sweetness.

Kissing you felt like a cool breeze after hours, years, in the scorching heat.

I don’t care about the fancy price tags
Don’t care where your next vacations at

All I want is for you to come hold me
Is there room in your heart just for that?

I spent the year collected as can be
While deep inside I drowned in seas

All I want is for you to come see me
All I want for us is love and peace

Is there room in your mind just for that?
Is there room in your heart just for that?

Picking paint colors and welcome mats
In the future maybe buy a pet

And I want to stroll down all the aisles
Walk the supermarket for hundred miles

If it meant that I could see you smile
Is there room in your heart just for a while?

Now time is passing and that’s not bad
But it hurts to see what I don’t have

Every night I toss and turn in bed
Every night your voice, it haunts my head

Wish there wasn’t room in my heart for that
Wish I’d find a way to sleep instead

"Inhale, breathe, and hold."
Her eyes and smile brighter than the sun spotlighting her.
I did as she told to reach a feeling I've never experienced before.
Surrounded by fresh air and THC filling my lungs.
I look at her, eyes glazier than ever, smile wider than the horizon.
Her laughter and smile cause a fluttering sensation in my veins.
An hour or so later we're alone.
The giggles and feeling still striking.
The room feels as if it's spinning, and I swear the music sounds better.
...if like you should sink down beneath
I stopped hearing the song and soon felt your touch on my body.
"Stop." I say softly, though we both know I don't want you to.
And you don't.
...I liked it at first but the more you laugh the crazier I came
All I remember is your lips on mine now.
All I remember is you crawling your cute self on top of me.
The moment was surreal.
But you had to stop me because it was wrong.
He couldn't find out, I couldn't play along.
But we did it again and again, a bit further each time.
I don't regret it at all, in fact I yearned it.
Your giggling and long hair mesmerized me for a minute.

And that minute felt like forever.

*******.

I've put in my brain that the idea of perfection does not exist
But, every time your finger's on my lip
I feel my love sink into your fingertip
Perfection was an ideal situation to check off of some sort of list
Your name rings and springs inside of my ears
My heart does the same when I've realized who I've missed
I graze through the space in your room like a museum
While you speak through stories of friends, home, and mom
The Persistence built up to keep the Memory Of bliss
Through change between our previous selves and future
40 Oz's in my body duplicated and so did my slur
The words I attempted to speak hid in both of my fists
The Composition of our connection becomes a debate
To be frank, I haven't felt much since the age of 8
A barrier between you and I that we ignore when we kiss
Like The Lovers we are, we carry on in this Starry Night
The moon behind the cloud's remind me there's no need to fight
The Scream of silence follows us like a snake ready to hiss
But to me you are undoubtedly perfect

Water is something that never ceases to both terrify and amaze me. The way liquid can consume me as quickly as fire blazes when a match is struck gently. Isn't it insane? that the very thing our body requires can be the source of such pain? Beyond neck deep and surrounded by crashing waves. A body powerful enough to send the strongest to their graves. And in that you are the same. You are the ocean, you are the flame. The force that pushes me away is the force that forces me back in. I close my eyes and trust the water like I trust your skin. And while I never learned to swim, I learned to sin. And because I never learned to truly think, I sink.