seeing you.
and knowing that we're nothing.

that was so much harder than it was supposed to be.

when we started all of this i wanted to be with you to make you happy.
clearly i couldn't do that anymore&& i'm sorry for that. in the beginning we made each other so happy. and i have a difficult time understanding what i did that changed your happiness.
but i guess that's life and one of its mysteries and we just have to move on from this. and by we i mean me because you're already so far past me. but that's okay that's how things happen. and i will never understand but just think of all of the things i will never understand. heck, what i do understand is so minute we might as well call it nothing.

of course i still love you,
i don't know why but it's just one of those life things that just happens and that's okay. being that i still love you means i want you to be happy. and your happiness no longer includes me but i'm beginning to come to terms with that. so i hope you enjoy the rest of your life and i hope one day you will talk to me by choice because what we once had doesn't go away-- even if it just ends up in a friendship.

sometimes that's what you need.
a friend.
and i will always be willing to be yours so never be afraid to give me a call.

if you couldn't already tell
i haven't been getting much sleep.
it's hard to while my life is in shambles.
but that's not on you.
it's all on me--
i couldn't do enough.
for some reason once you ended it,
the universe decided to give me the week from hell.
i feel like i haven't done anything right.
everything i touch just shatters.
but that's not on you.
it's all on me--
i couldn't do enough.
once i get dressed for bed
you used to like the way i dressed at night
and get under my covers
i should fall right asleep
after the days i've been having.
but i can't i lay there
thinking.
thinking of all our memories.
i try to find the bad ones
so i can pretend to hate you.
but they never seem to be there.
all i can recall is me ******* up
but that's nothing out of the ordinary.
so once it hits 3:58
that's the time i have picked every night
i tell myself i truly need to get some sleep.
and it excites me a little
to know that one more time i get to see you.

so once i close my eyes it's like nothing has changed. you broke my heart and my brain tries to figure out something. each night it gets worse and each night i still chase you. i know i can run distance but i don't know how much i have left in me. my brain is using a lot of my energy trying to figure out the mess that was made.
but that's not on you.
it's all on me--
i couldn't do enough.
and every night i wake up
in a panic
and short of breath
with a single tear rolling down my cheek
and it's 5:38.
every night.
and i'm tired of this pattern.
i'm sick of not knowing.
this guessing game isn't my favorite so can we please pick a new one?
i know it's not my choice.
it's always a two person game and i'm afraid i don't have a voice in this anymore.

so i guess this is goodbye but only for now.
because i'll see you again.
5 o'clock sharp.
maybe tonight i'll get some answers.

i'll talk to you in my dreams.
*or i guess now i call these nightmares.

sometimes i'll catch myself staring off to space
are you ever at peace knowing we see the same sky
and i forget what world i'm in
definitely not yours anymore
i feel myself swaying back and forth
back and forth
like the way your feelings were there and then left
were there and then left
people probably think i'm crazy
is that why you couldn't handle me anymore?

sometimes when i stare at something for too long it becomes a blur
i think you started overthinking our  
relationship-- you looked at us for too long and now it looks like a big mess
or maybe it's that i need glasses
or maybe you are right in thinking we aren't good for each other

i'm sorry we can't see this from the same perspective*
don't forget you're half of a foot taller than me

my pillow is drenched.
i could probably wring out a bucket full of tears.
i don't know where to put them because this is the most i've lost in a long time. probably since my last lifetime-- maybe even the one before that.

i know i shouldn't be crying because i know you aren't.
and that's hard.
it's hard because you're so emotional and sensitive-- in a good way,
and not a single tear is on your pillow tonight.
you haven't had to use a single tissue to try and be able to breathe through your nose again,,
let alone a whole box.

it will be hard to see you in the crowd,
knowing that there's so much behind us.
and i know you won't struggle with it at all,
because when our eyes meet you'll only turn your head because you can't deal with the horror of my face.
it's not at all hard for you though
because clearly you feel nothing.

that's the hardest part.
knowing that you fell so hard so quickly
and i guess it takes even less than that for you to get back up.

but i'm still lying on the floor
please don't mind my heavy breathing,,
just another anxiety attack.

it's really hard to stand up
when i'm feeling so weak.
even if i could i know one look at you and i'd fall just as hard as the last time.

i know you don't care anymore
because i know you are careful with your word choice
and those words that you chose hammered me down and i know i'm not capable of getting back up.
only the strength of your voice can take out the nails.
and i'm afraid we're long past you wanting to help me.
because if you did care at all,,
we wouldn't be here in the first place.

to anyone trying to help:
i am sorry for being so hard to lift up.