I'm not a poet
I just know pain
And my pain is consuming me now
Every guy that deliberately
Lead me on
Every guy that decided I wasn't worth it
Every friend I no longer talk to
It's empty
My life is a joke
And I no longer feel like laughing
The courage to decide you've had enough
It isn't selfish or cowardly
To think that this life isn't worth living anymore,
That's bravery to me
The slap in the face to realize
I don't have that same backbone
Almost hurts as much as understanding
That I wouldn't even be missed
Can't look at my reflection,
Can't look at guys in the face
My death will never have purpose
Just like my life will never be worthwhile
But I daydream.
Dream about being enough,
About not needing to be loved and admired
By millions of people.
Just him.
To see the color the sun turns his eyes.
To close my eyes and blindly learn
Every inch of his face.
To actually smile,
Just smile at every word he says.
But there is no him.
There is no sun.
No backbone.
There's just....this.
Emptiness.
A void.
A nothingness that consumes my shakey breath,
Tear soaked cheeks and quivering hands.
I can never pick up the pills, the gun, the blade
In the same way
I can never pick up the hint
That I am literally wanted by no one,
Needed by no one,
Desired to be no where.

I haven't felt the sun in over a decade
And I can't write to save my life
My grandmother is the only reason I stay
Too scared to see her decline,
Too selfish to give her my time
And every poison I intake
Will erase every mistake

It took me five years to cleanse myself
Of all the bile he delt;
I hope he goes to Hell

The big city spat him out,
There was so much of me
He never figured out

There was so much of you
I didn't deserve to know
But there's so much of me
I would never show

And him.
Oh god.
The way he lit my life inside
The way he cared.
I should have listened.
Would I want to die still?
Would I be a lifeless shell?
He's the only one I can't rhyme to.
He took my naivety and ran.

I'm supposed to never be alone
But I have only ever known loneliness.
Too fat for anyone to care.
My mother beat me and yelled everyday
Of my adolescence
My father bought my love
My brother never cared
My friends were fickle
My lovers where travesties

I don't know how the sun feels anymore
I don't know if dry land still itches
I don't know what a laugh is like
That isn't forced

I know how to fake it.
I know how to never ask for help.

And when I go down,
All of the ghost's you left me with
Will never be remembered.