Concrete shoes
Hollow wooden forest
Frozen ocean, rivers and streams
Exit 74
I wanted to go past it, but time and communication wasn’t a factor in my favor

I tried every weekend to accomplish what I wanted
Tried implying I didn’t succeed
I just end up picking poison so, I don’t have to feel or think as much
Anything to deal with it all
So, I don’t have to deal with myself
And so friends don’t have to deal with my emotions and everything that just goes on with me

I've noticed there's a lot of hurt for me in this county and I want to leave

A good place to grow up
But not live or stay

I need a new environment; I miss my mom and family

Its ok to dream
And it's okay to have a nightmare
Its okay to break down
But I always rely on others to help, to wake me up and to be a distraction for a few hours

I do have to learn how to cope and to deal with things alone

8PM-9PM
(I stayed in my car until the heat that once filled it faded from the coldness outside)
(I wasn’t even thinking, just listening to creek as it goes flowing and flowing)
(Seeing what I can of the trees and what hides in the darkness of it all)
(Enjoying have no thoughts and not thinking, just that empty noise drowning out all but the faint sounds of crickets)
(Then back to reality)

12PM-2AM
(I woke up....)
(I never fell asleep)
(I didn’t...)
(I couldn’t...)
(It wasn’t healthy for me to stay in that room)
(I walk upstairs and I see her; I didn’t expect her to up)

(I open the glass door outside)
(She doesn’t even turn to see who it is)
(She just stand there looking out and listening to the night)
(Almost lost in it)
(I stand next to her and speak)

I'm sorry I couldn’t be there...
I'm sorry I should’ve been there...
(She turns to me and I held onto her tightly, crying in her arms)
I can think straight
And I don’t want to think at all
(I can’t bear to have her look at me so I just hold on)
I can’t help but feel guilty
Everyone said its fine and it wasn’t ideal for me to be there or that its okay that I wasn’t there but I hate that I was just 5 hours away and I couldn’t get to you
(I’m getting choked up and almost begin to sob in her arms)

I would have blamed myself if you died
And I don’t know what I'd do

I saw the picture; you hooked up to all those machines and the breathing tube

You wouldn’t wake up...

When I saw that...

I...

I wanted to trade places
I just broke down and I’m still not myself

I don’t know how to deal with all

I feel like I cant get help with anything I feel cause I’m just a stereotype and if I talk to family they would just worry; I don’t need to be a bother on anyone's mind

I feel like that a lot...

A bother...

(I still remember the sound of the crickets in between each sentence, cause that was all to hear in between)

I don't know why I still feel the way that I do sometimes
I can restrict you from my mind, but I find myself still wanting to think of you

Or wanting you to think of me at least
I want closure, I know I say that word a lot but it's only because I don't have it
And I need it to help myself, so I can help others
To save myself so I don't have those bad thoughts or me or you
Of you dying and me having to spend my life feeling empty and alone

Maybe I'm just being selfish and only thinking of myself but it's not like I want to feel this way

Maybe I'm just over thinking it all, but I love you...

And I miss you...

I really wonder if you miss me too, I know you say you do but I hate that I don't believe it
My trying to change that

I'm trying to change a lot of things
About myself and this situation
I love you...

And I miss you...

Maybe I say it too much I just don't want you to feel alone
Maybe I care too much but is that bad?
Yea it probably is
Like I said I trying to change

But I still cry when you say how you want to die

And I don't want to be alone with myself cause this person in the mirror is not me and these voices are not mine, these excuses are not mine, this gun is not loaded and...
I'm just lying to myself

I didn't want that gun to jam but...


I just didn't want to be alone...




I love you...
And I miss you...

I tell myself stay but I feel like I'm lying to myself
God forbid if I can have any sort of detraction for one night
I'd be forever ****** for getting my hopes up

I'm not sure how eager I am to go inside
I feel the need to walk forever when it seems like too much
Just to think and cry to myself in private
Think of other distractions like taking my own life, doing drugs or drinking

I'll stay silent and expressionless around people or even just around myself

I'll clench my fists in anger and sadness wanting to hold on to something, but I can't
There's nothing there
What a way to cope with it all...
Leave
Cry
Go back
Stay silent

I thought it was just the night that always got to me, but I see now...
Morning
Lunch
Afternoon
It all just piles onto me and then when I'm alone
I break...
I break down...
And somehow, I'm able to get out of bed knowing it's all going to repeat
Looking at myself in the mirror and blame allergies for my teary eyes with bloodshot veins
What a way to cope with it all
Having myself feel the way I do...
Trying
That's all we can do
Try to stay alive
But I really don't want too
Most of the time at least

Try for one more night
Try for one less thought
Try for one less breakdown
For even one night
With 4 hours of sleep, it doesn't lead to much dreaming
Maybe that's a good thing

I **** myself every time you die
And I keep finding demons in my dreams and hearing whispers right before I wake up

I don't think we should ever be alone, we need someone, something to feel and see

I can't whisper my thoughts to the wind cause it's never around long enough and if it is, I just shiver getting choked on my own words and never even get a sense of relief I was looking to find and feel...

Relief...
Release...
Complete...

Were never complete and if we are they we're repenting the thought that this will last forever
Angels can't hold our hands and I've never heard one in my mind tell me that I have purpose, that I should stay, that I should put that gun away...

It just too easy to blame ourselves for all the bad details
Waking up to bloodshot eyes or not even sleeping at all or maybe we didn't wake up, maybe I died on that 2 AM drive passing exit 85, yelling at the top of my lungs; at myself cause, I didn't want to fully understand what I lost that night in November or that I didn't want to live, maybe I still don't understand because I don't know how to deal with grief and get closure...

I just want to feel alive for one night, and not hate myself for one day

2:00 AM
I find myself bored these summer nights, either a busy mind or an empty one, missing friends or just family. I still seem to be sad or somewhat depressed for some to no reason. I don't know why it seems to be a normal state to me. I don't know if I just can't sleep or I'm just not tired. I'm doing this just to do something; I keep staring at the keys and the dim light from the screen. I kind of wish I could see a therapist just about everything, but I think my mind makes up these problems up, or I do. I think I'm sad or depressed or whatever, but I mainly feel this way only at night.
2:22 AM

I don't know why I still feel the way that I do sometimes
I can restrict you from my mind, but I find myself still wanting to think of you

Or wanting you to think of me at least
I want closure, I know I say that word a lot but it's only because I don't have it
And I need it to help myself, so I can help others
To save myself so I don't have those bad thoughts or me or you
Of you dying and me having to spend my life feeling empty and alone

Maybe I'm just being selfish and only thinking of myself but it's not like I want to feel this way

Maybe I'm just over thinking it all, but I love you...

And I miss you...

I really wonder if you miss me too, I know you say you do but I hate that I don't believe it
My trying to change that

I'm trying to change a lot of things
About myself and this situation
I love you...

And I miss you...

Maybe I say it too much I just don't want you to feel alone
Maybe I care too much but is that bad?
Yea it probably is
Like I said I trying to change

But I still cry when you say how you want to die

And I don't want to be alone with myself cause this person in the mirror is not me and these voices are not mine, these excuses are not mine, this gun is not loaded and...
I'm just lying to myself

I didn't want that gun to jam but...


I just didn't want to be alone...




I love you...
And I miss you...