But the words still come
Old and rusted
New and glinting
Weapons in an endless battle with myself
When will I run out of words to write

But I'm nowhere close to being done.
This game of chess between my mind and my mouth doesn't end.
So I write it down here.
Maybe 50 more and I'll be done.
Not likely.

Hello
Goodbi
No, not incorrect spelling
I am a good bi
But what does that mean?
From the age of 8 all I ever heard about was mothers and fathers
That one day I'd find a wife and be a husband
But but​ 10 I had, feelings.
The first time I tried to open up about them I was explained that opposites attract so I must be wrong.
Two men couldn't possibly be right.
So I brand myself straight, after fixing the curve to fit in
By 12 I had learned a new word.
Bisexual.
But what is it?
Who is it?
Knock knock
Who's there?
It's me
Hello
Goodbi
Yes, I am a good bi
I indulged this new finding and what I found was myself
Among something I could call myself besides confused.
So here I am.
Spry, bi, and ready to try
Try to be the best bi I can be
By being myself.

Step 1: Fall in love

You know at this point in my life I thought that holding a loaded handgun to my head would make me feel something
Regret
Fear
Sadness
Instead I feel cold metal as my own skin
I feel relief as I put pressure on the trigger
But the safety is on
Just in case

It's kinda like
Holy ****.
But at the same time it's like
Why did I do this?
It's terrible
And amazing
Lovely
And stupid
Love is dumb
Love is fun
It makes me want to shoot myself in the hand with a nailgun
Then go buy a rose to plug the wound with
Such beautiful pain
It's kind of like being in love

Dear home,
I'm writing this letter to catch up with you.
How are you? I'm well, for now.
Things were pretty dark, but I'm going somewhere new soon.
Maybe I'll find you there? I use to think you were here but, not so much anymore.
I wish I could see you now. All these memories, all the good times.
I don't know why you left or when really, but I hope you're well.
I've grown up so much, and not just because of the beard.
I've learned about all sorts of things, love, life, friends and family.
I have an idea of who I am, just not where yet.
I hope you're been well, you were always so good to me.
I have to go now, but before I do there's just one thing.
I miss you, so much.
Maybe I'll find you again soon.
With love, Me.

Dear home,
I'm sorry I was too late.
I talked to dad, he's changed so much.
He's too different to remember you now.
I thought I'd find you on the other side but you weren't there.
I came back hoping I was wrong and you'd be here.
But you aren't.
You've been gone,and I had no idea.
I spent all that time looking for you.
When I should have been building a new home, new memories.
I should have moved on but you were so warm, so comforting.
I'll visit your grave whenever I find it.
I'll leave the photo albums and home videos for you.
Maybe if you watch them instead of me, you'll remember me like I did you.
Goodbye home,
Yours truly.

She took so much away from me.
My senior year of high school.
A year and a half of my time.
She took the love I gave and put it in the garbage.
I took it all to heart
I tried to **** myself
but here I am.
You there, reading this poem it will get better
It will look up
The storm will clear
Or if your like me and find comfort in storms
It will continue, or rain again some other day.
You will smile again
You will sleep easy again
Dear reader you will be you again
I just don't know when.
It's awful, the feeling.
Having the things I do is like a grocery list
Depression, check
OCD, check
Now heartbreak, check.
But dear reader I say this
I've improved
I find it hard to cry at her picture anymore
I get angry
I beat my fists on my table but it subsides much sooner than crying did.
Dear reader you will be better.
Write poems
Draw art
Go to that karaoke bar and sing your ******* heart out
Dear reader, it isn't worth your life to be miserable.
I'm moving to Oregon in a few weeks.
The scenery is so beautiful.
More beautiful than she could ever hope to be.
It snows there.
I'll feel at home among the cold because I like it that way.
My heart is broken but my will to fight isn't
It never will be.
The world is cursed and stupid
But we find reasons to keep going.
Dear reader, Dear me, it get's better.
Just keep living.

Marching through the streets chanting and hollering.
Waving evil flags and burning tiki torches.
Calling out for the death of many.
Not thinking about their own.
Anger, hatred, met with silence.
Stillness, steadfast.
Mace and truncheons meet faces and bodies.
Close quarter hate-to-hate combat.
Swastikas fly protected by sacred badges.
While voices of peace lay on the ground in hopes of a better tomorrow.
Peacefully we try and violently it fails.
The fight never won by one side or the other.
We can't share our living space.
We can't share our voice.
Coexist is a death sentence to those without weapons.
We sharpen our tongues and dull our blades to fight this war on our own neighbors and friends.
One day it will end.
We just don't know when.
The drums of war will quiet and give way to new peace.

It's easy to forget how I fell in love with you.
All I can remember is the things about you that haunt me.
I forget about what I fell for.
Who you were before I knew you.
You were a stranger but the most beautiful one to me.
Now I'll try to fall in love with other strangers
But I don't not know them like I didn't know you.
They'll never be you.
I wish I could forget you to meet you again.
In someone else.

Smile
Wave
Pass
She came and went
Smile
Wave
Pass
She never really cared
Smile
Wave
Pass
She walks by you like any other stranger
Smile
Wave
Pass
You want to tell her so bad
Smile
Stop
Forget
Pass

I don't write a lot of poetry about me being queer.
Not because I don't like it.
I love that about me.
It's because I'm lucky.
I'm so  lucky that I grew up with parents who hugged me when I came out.
So lucky, that my friends reacted with a "hey, cool".
So lucky that all of this let me come to terms with myself.
I never hated myself because of who I am...I'm so so ******* lucky.
But there's so many out there who didn't have this.
Who's parents kicked them out or beat them.
Who's friends left them alone.
Who hate themselves for who they are, for the wonderful things that they are...
For me it was easy, for you it might not be
For them it can be so hard.

Sometimes, there's nothing left to say
So I sit there and stare off into space
I can't think of anything else to say about how I feel
Other than,
****.

Gentle wind beckons loudly
Moving leaves like clapping hands
Reminding me of a quieter time
I've never seen leaves change in the fall
Here they just turn brown and die
I long for a day I can watch gentle wind shower me in a storm of crackling fire shaped like leaves
Gentle wind beckons loudly from a better place than here

I see you in so many other things
Other people
Your face still smiling at me
Ready to take me into your arms.
But that isn't you.
That's not what you ever were.
Please go away.

Yes, I am trying
No, I have not made progress
You will still haunt me

I'll try to write one
Just not about you this time
...But how could I not

I wasn't always sad.
I'd like to think one day I'll be able to sing lovingly to someone again.
That I'll cook a meal for two.
We'll sit on a hill on a cold winter night and look at the stars.
I wanna be spun around by my lips for a kiss.
I want to be punched in the face by love poems.
I want to be held at gunpoint with romance as the threat.
I'll do it all with you, stranger who I don't know yet.
You'll warm this heart of mine again.
I just don't know it.

I hate the sun
I hate traffic
I hate spicy food
I hate myself
I hate my thoughts
But I can't bring myself to hate you

Like this balloon, I'm filled with helium, as the things I love keep floating away

The shovel I used to dig myself into these holes its strapped to my back.
It comes with me, haunting me whenever I meet someone.
Whenever there's a situation to dig in, you best believe it's digging.
For just once I want to break it down into metal and wood.
Make ladder rungs from a haft used to dig so many graves before.
A grappling hook made from a bent shovel blade no longer used to bury the hopeless but pull out the hopeful.
Every time I get here, I realize I'm back again, not for the first time, but a repeating pattern.
I'll break it someday.
Mark my words.
I won't be  back.

Eat **** and die

When I starred myself down in the mirror and said
"I can't, it won't, it couldn't"
It felt wrong.

I don't feel the way I use to
I feel like someone new
I feel so different now.
Years ago I would never dreamed I'd get here
Out of hell, even if it's only for a little bit.
I may not like myself, but I can learn to.
I can try and be better now
I can make it better now.
I'm stronger than I know.
Braver than I could believe.
I don't feel the way I use to.
Because I feel better now.

I have been through 4 hurricanes in my life so far.
They're dark, and cloudy.
With lots of rain and thunder.
My first hurricane was scary.
I thought the roof would give in, and I'd fly away.
The second hurricane, was exciting.
The rain flooded the streets and I saw a man in a canoe on our road.
The third hurricane was comforting.
The thunder lulled me to sleep with the sound of snoring giants.
My fourth hurricane, was you.
You tore my roof off and swept me into the eye of the storm.
Storm walls made of arms that comforted me when I cried.
Thunder made of a voice that spoke like the cool side of a pillow.
Rain made of love that watered my heart and let it grow.
But the storm eventually passed.
The eye moved away and I was left in a whirlwind of emotions.
Hate and anger moved across me like wind.
Sadness and suicide struck lightning into my core.
After it had passed my roof was still gone and I was left cold and wet.
Curled up in a bed made for two but holding only one.
My fourth hurricane ruined more than just my house.
It ruined me.

*******... remember when you loved me like that?

I draw monsters.
Faceless, too many arms, disfigured, sharp teeth.
I draw monsters because they're fun.
Some skinny, some wide, some tall, some very very tiny.
I draw monsters because they're easy to do.
They start to look more like me however.
Somewhere along the twisted images start to remind me of myself.
I draw monsters because I relate to suffering.
Being twisted and evil.
Eternally in agony.
I draw monsters because I am one

Day to day to day thoughts and all the things in between I see them clearly out of focus if you knew my baby what I go through on daily basis Im seeing myself between several windows of reality.
Thoughts on thoughts on thoughts on raindrops dripping through the cracks in my ceiling caused by our laughter that night sunshine shines through your smile and clouds my rainy vision.
Fingers running manic through the keys describing what joy FEELS like it can only be a way that we all see differently all unique and growing like plants watered daily to daily.
Gracelessly spiraling through our eraser shaving space time what is sad what is happy ambiguity and alluding to something greater than ourselves some have faith other have thoughts on thoughts on thoughts on thoughts.
The piano keys slow to a beautiful hum and form your eyes your eyes like moons in my skies and I wonder to myself how did I get here how did I end up in a hole looking up at the sky we made instead of flying through it like I'm meant to.
Maybe someday it'll all make sense

I have hope that one day
One day I'll be happy
I'm getting there, I know I am
Day by day my smiles grow more genuine.
I'm starting to remember things like "you didn't deserve me".
And "you don't have to just have this you can get help".
I'm getting better
I know I am.
I know that one day, possibly soon I'll lay down and close my eyes and you won't be the only thing I ******* see.
This thing that stuck you in my head is letting go and *******, does it feel good.
I'm slowly starting to be a human being again and not just a stupid pile of obsessive thoughts, all started because you look good in a red dress.
I'll be happy.
You can't change that.

I don't feel myself
Without you
Without me
What's wrong with me?
Too poor for therapy
Too proud to ask for help
I'm not myself lately.
If only I knew why
If only you cared

I can't sleep
You're still there
I can't close my eyes
I wish I could
I could dream without you
I'm so ******* tired
Please let me sleep

I stare off.
Whether it's into your eyes or somewhere in the distance.
I listen to sappy piano music with the sound of rain falling on a city sidewalk as I stare at nothing and think about everything.
I wonder when I'll feel like I belong.
Probably when I'm in in your arms.
I think about what I'm going to have for lunch tomorrow.
Probably nothing as I forget to have lunch most days.
I wonder why some things are and why some aren't.
What I could do it I stopped time.
Spoiler, I'd sleep.
I stare off into space wondering if I'll ever find myself again.
Somewhere better.
Somewhere that feels warm and like home.
But for now it's cold and piano filled.
I'm not sad about it.
The thoughts will just wander freely.
Until I reach a landing point.
Out here among the stars.

I have so many dreams with you in them.
Against my better judgement you find your way in and grace my sleeping subconscious with that amazing smile.
I reach for your hand and it feels so real, so close I can close my fingers and feel home again.
But before my palm touches yours my body shoots me awake like it's saying "don't drink that poison kid it'll only make it worse."
When I see your face I feel my heart and mind leave my body.
My heart runs forward, my mind runs away, and my body is left in the middle wondering why.
Why it had to be this way, when I know why.
What I could've done, when I know there's nothing.
I know it doesn't work that way.
I know I became the most annoying thing on earth to you after you left.
When I freaked out when you wouldn't text back in five minutes.
When I tried too hard to have your attention.
I was left clawing at the door trying to get it open again.
When it was already sealed over with bricks I couldn't break.
The glowing entrance sign's lights died out and in the dark I wept to make noise to keep me sane.
I told the wall I loved it in hopes of hearing it echo back to me if I screamed loud enough.
But here in the fallout of it all, Silence is much more comforting.
Feeling my heartbeat steady to a stop.
The feeling of your lips on mine is long gone but sometimes in those dreams I can almost feel it again and it makes everything else numb.
But before that thought has time to manifest I'm awake.
I wish I didn't have to call those dreams nightmares.
But they hurt so **** much.

I get snappy with people.
I get impatient because in my head it all just turns to noise.
The talking and questions are replaced by the constant buzzing of TV static in my ears.
I feel overwhelmed by the simple things.
I get angry.
Not at them, at the nothing that's so loud in my head.
I can't explain it to you.
So I'm sorry you have to suffer the wrath of my bad attitude.
I'm sorry it's all just noise in my head.

You're not dying
What you held in your hand isn't there anymore
And that's okay
Everyone knows you're going to live
So you might as well start trying

One two three
the foot work is rather difficult
One two three
I'll let you lead this time
One two...lost it
It's okay we'll start again
One...Where are you going?
One two three
This is ******* my own
One...two three
I think I can get this by myself
One...Two...Three...
The music stopped a while ago
The band went home
You left without a word
One...
Two...
Three...
I can't...

all the stupid ****
the notes
the pictures
the dumb little heart shaped pieces of paper that stacked up on my desk
I just want you to know
I kept them

My poems of love are usually sad.
Let's see how this one goes.
Love is love, it's a simple sentence.
Three words.
But for the world it's a difficult thing to comprehend.
I've been fortunate enough to have a family that understands but somewhere else in the world there's a place where no one does.
People are being rounded up, and killed like roaches in an infestation.
Shoved off roofs, shot in the streets and for what.
For loving just a little different.
For living as themselves.
My heart is heavy.
My mind unsteady.
Thinking of how my family would act if one day I came home for christmas with another man on my arm.
He'd be welcomed and greeted with the kindest of hearts.
Because here love is love.
And I wish the world could love like this.

My mom doesn't always get it
Sometime's I feel like she only sees and hears what she wants
But she's always been there
She's voiced her concern with an endless supply of "You're my son and I love you"
I'm left speechless.
I don't know exactly how someone decides to become a parent let alone become one twice but the second time was me and I'm grateful.
Without this life I live I wouldn't know the joys of having a mother.
Especially mine.
Lived in the same house for over 20 years but made it feel different from the walls to the atmosphere
isn't a chef but puts a homecooked meal on the table almost every day of the week
Sometimes falls apart but never fails to bring the family together "How about a boardgame."
I always thought the term, "find someone to love that reminds you of your mother" a bit weird
But I get it now, because it would be an honor to any human being to be compared to my mother.

My nightmares are no longer plagued with monsters or ghouls.
The setting is always a wonderful rainy day.
A day I spent with you.
I don't see flashes of thunder or gnashing teeth.
I don't see myself ripped to shreds by beasts of the night.
I only see myself being forgiven by you.
It's not real.
That's the scariest part.
A second chance only in my dreams.
Only in my nightmares

I thank my phone.
It saw everything.
Heard every word.
Had every text.
It remembers better than I do.
I do all the feeling.
And it stays silent.
It holds her face in a forever stills smile.
One that will always remind me of a happier time.
Of a time I could smile back.
It holds a video so I can hear her voice.
Just one more time.
Maybe one more.
Just one more.
I won't cry this time I promise.
The hardest part of loosing someone you love isn't losing them.
It's remembering them, and how happy you were with them.
But you'll forget eventually.
She will, I won't.
I have my phone.
I have these painfully happy memories for as long as I have the phone.
I thank my phone.

"I use to think the world was so beautiful.
I use to look at stars with wonder and awe.
Thinking how beautiful the world would look from their perspective.
Still, among the backdrop of empty nothingness.
I use to think the grass was greener right beneath me.
That this world we built was so vibrant.
I put up castle walls and donned my armour to protect us.
But then you left.
You brought the walls down from the inside on top of me.
My armour dented, my weapon dulled.
The grass is brown and withered.
The stars no longer make me wonder of a future life.
But make me wonder of how death would bring me to them.
My whole world burned that day.
My whole world disappeared that day.
Every day before ,I wanted to tell the whole world, my whole world how much I loved you.
But I did every day ,because all I had to do to tell my whole world that I loved you,
Was whisper it in your ear."

Now I know that I'm bad.
Because I think you're so amazing.
So good.
So pure.
And I'm nothing like you.

I just want to sleep why can't I forget about her already
I don't care about her lips or her arms around me anymore
Please, just let me go.
I talk to this mirror too much they think I'm crazy
I yell and scream at myself to just quit already
I'm so annoyed at this person who's only in my head
At these people who are only in my mind
At these ******* thoughts that only sound like an extremely angry swarm of bees at night.
I just want to be done with you.
I just want you to realize how much you hurt me.
How good I had it when I had you.
How quiet everything was because I could always look foreword to your texts.
How soft my bed was when the lingering feeling of the kiss you gave me that morning lulled me to sleep every night.
How much I've been arguing with myself because I don't agree with me.
I hate you so much but you just don't deserve it.
I want to love myself but I just, don't, deserve it.
I still check my phone every morning, 8 months later.
I still secretly hope I'll see you at the super market over by your house and you'll try to talk to me.
I still look at that picture you gave me and scoff like a disappointed father at a little league game.
I want so much for you, I want the best for you.
But I don't want to keep thinking that you were the best for me.

I write a lot of them
My mind thinks in bursts
So I'm sorry for the format
I bounce back and forth between sad happy and angry
I just want to document it while it's here

Nothing is permanent
Except for pens
Ink stains everything
Graphite fades
Erasers take away marks that were meant to last forever
I'd rather stain my soul with something that will last

I was talking with my grandmother the other day.
I told her I wasn't feeling myself lately, and I wasn't sleeping well.
I told her I was sad and didn't know what to do.
I ended my statements with "But it's okay."
She said in a low worried tone "No it isn't."
I was taken back, but shook it off.
A few days later my mother asked me if anything was bothering me.
I said "Yes, but it's okay"
She said "No it's not."
Again I stopped in my tracks to contemplate this.
But again, I shrugged it off.
In one of my classes I was talking about suicide to a friend of mine.
I told her no one really cared, that life would go on.
To prove a point I turned to another friend of mine next to me.
I said "I want to **** myself, you don't care right? It's fine"
He was shocked.
he told me"I'm a little concerned, it isn't fine."
I was silent the rest of the class.
I had to think of how twisted my perception of the word "Okay" was.
So many people actively told me "Please stop doing this to yourself"
I couldn't listen.
I developed such a low regard for myself as a human being, saying things like "I want to die" and "If I don't **** myself first" were second nature.
I no longer saw suicide as something I had to be pushed to do.
But as something that would inevitably happen on it's own, unconsciously.
But it's okay.
It's okay.
I could say that so many times and never believe it.
Because it isn't.

I'm trying so hard

Lately my sentences have ended with periods.
I've meant everything I've said hurtful or not.
I've spilled my heart to my mirror countless times and ended it all with that single dot.
But when it comes time to tell another human being all that comes out is dot dot dot...
I list the causes of my hatred with a colon: my reasons splayed out like a grocery isle full of sickness.
I use to talk with commas, always more to say
Always ending my sentences with one to continue it later,
Making myself able to feel like I could carry on but now everything I say is final.
I end my words like my last will and testament.
Never to be changed.
No semicolons to tell more later.
No commas to pause for a breath of life anymore.
All I want is that period.
That final bullet through the paper to close the book and let it be over.
I want to speak with commas again, to let it all flow like there's nothing wrong nothing to hide behind that period or those dots...
I want to be able to pause again, to catch my breath, to let myself heal, I want to use the proper punctuation to be okay again,