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Catrina Jan 2018
being with you is taxing

you **** the energy from my veins

you cannot make me happy

but it's better than being alone


it's pitiful isn't it?

to be so lonely

I'd rather be with you

who makes me so miserable


but that's what loneliness does:

corrupts a previously whole person

decaying one's mind and physicality

until they do not recognize themselves


I was so lonely

I took the first chance of company

it came in the form of sin

as the Devil's cruel laugh rings in my ears
Catrina Jan 2018
Every so often at night,

as  I lay in my bed

Alone, the voices

start  talking in my head.

Think of me mad,

But they fancy me dead.


These voices are unique,

All one of a kind.

And every single one of them,

wrapped up in my mind.

But they cloud my senses,

And make me blind.


I don’t know when they started,

Or where they came from.

But they play with my mind,

As if it were a toy.

Thinking of it now,

Am I the one to blame?


I listen to them telling me

Things like right from wrong.

I used to ignore them,

But the voices are far too strong.

Think of me mad,

But they’ve been here all along.


For I am the voices,

And the voices am I.

Created by me,

To give a me reason why.

Like an imaginary friend,

But one that gone away.

What used to be part of me,

Simply turned too sly.

Nobody can help me,

There’s no one to rely

On but the voices.

Who have done nothing but imply,

That they fancy nothing more,

Than for me to die.


So as the night roars nearer,

And the loneliness creeps in,

The voices start talking to me,

Again and again.

Soon, one of these nights,

I don’t know when,

The voices in my mind,

Will eventually win.

My room therein,

Would lie a lonely girl,

Who only once had been.
Catrina Jan 2018
What do you see when you look at me?  

More than likely, you see me with a smile on my face, and laughter escaping from my lips.

But have you ever wondered,
what is behind the smile.
If that smile is genuine, and real?
Is that laughter real, or does it sound a little forced to you?
Have you ever looked at or into my eyes when I smile?

If you did, you would see that my smile,
does not reach my eyes.

Instead of happiness, you'll see a flash of my pain.

For I am unable to place a mask over my eyes,

no matter how hard I try.

No one can truly hide their real feelings,

can't keep them from slipping through their eyes.

When you look at someone, for a second you are

able to see their true feelings before their wall goes up.  

Careful you must be, when observing the outer emotions

of someone.
Catrina Jan 2018
They say there is a reason,

They say that time will heal,

But neither time nor reason,

Will I change the way I feel,

For no one knows the heartache,

That lies behind our smiles,

No one knows how many times,

We have broken down and cried,

We want to tell you something,

So there won't be any doubt.

You're so wonderful to think of,






But so hard to be without.
Catrina Jan 2018
She dreams of broken thoughts

Images dance before her eyes

She's awaken by self-indulgence

Dying inside, she takes a deep breath

With tears streaming down her cheeks

She gently brushes them away

With mascara smeared down her face


She doesn't have enough energy left in her to care

-Care about what may happen

But, somehow she manages to fool everyone

So, she smiles with all she has left

Although, it's a crooked smile at that

But, at least she tries to get by


Not knowing what will happen next

Each day brings more problems and stress

And each night as she lays down-

She finds another reason to regret herself

Her fears become Reality

There is nowhere for her to escape

Nothing to keep her from feeling numb

No useless drug to fight the pain away


As she looks in the mirror-

She sees a mistake

Just another lost soul fighting to live

She's giving up so easily

But, there's nothing left for her to give


Music is her only defense

Her only way out of Reality

But, when the music stops-

Her life falls back into its place


But, lying in her room

She's confused and afraid

Crouching down in a corner

With her body squished up against the wall


She's lost and lonely, hiding in the dark

So her tears will never be seen

-As a new day approaches

Her disguise becomes whole again-
Catrina Jan 2018
The breeze brushed her hair,

as she sat on the docks of the ocean

watching as the waves climbed up the rocks

as her love, her care casts itself farther away from her


As she turns to walk away from the edge, as her black dress slips

effortlessly into the darkness

she hears her name, but she has heard it too many times to want to listen to the voice calling.

she keeps walking further into the darkness


Her hope had been lost,

her care no longer lived,

and as for her love

she had none left.

the light she once felt was gone

it was cast away like everything else.


like her love,

her care,

and the only hope she had ever felt and will ever feel again.

and yet when she turned back to the dock,

the black waves still climbing up the rocks.

the dock still rotting from age,

and her still standing,

letting the darkness consume her.
Catrina Jan 2018
I remember the horrifying day,
like it was yesterday.
Being jewish,
And living in 1940 Germany, was the worst thing you could do.
My name is Lucy, and I will tell you about the day,
when my everything was taken from me
And seven years ago, my family and I had
struggled to find food,or even a warm piece of clothing.
Then my mother and father put my little sister and I into hiding.
Let me begin with this;

We haven’t heard anything from our parents in 3 1/2 years.
I honestly think that they are dead.
-Three years later-
My sister and I have little
to nothing at all,
but I go without so that she
at least,
has a chance.
I give the  warmest clothes that I have
to my little sister,
Sarah.
Sarah is my everything
I’d do anything to keep her safe,
She is so thin,
even though I give her most of my food,
she could be paper.
We were hiding when it happened, Sarah was in a little space
between a wall and a wardrobe.
I thought she would be safe there.
But I soon learned
that the decision I made, cost her,
her
Life.
BANG,BANG,BANG!!!! Is all I heard as the soldiers begin
to raid the house.

-(Our parents were down the street, hiding in a barn room,and we didn’t even know that they were still alive)-

My sister and I were hiding in “Aunt” Leslie’s and “Uncle” John’s house.
The soldiers came into the room in which I was hiding,
didn’t even consider looking under bed,
Seeming how from the outside,
It looked as if the bed rested on the floor.
but under the mattress was a hidden door,
that created a compartment two feet deep.
They left the room, leaving the door wide open.
I was able to see where my sister, Sarah, was hidden,
But that was a bad thing.
Sarah did not look like most Jewish girls her age,
who have round
almond eyes,
dark hair, and dark eyes.
with her
Long,
Wavy,
Blonde hair, and the most
Beautiful,
Sharp
Blue eyes,
She looks similar to a little german girl.
The only thing that set her apart was,
the roundness of her face,
and that she is short for her age of 14,
two years younger than me.
The soldiers were moving on to the next room,
-all except one.
Something had caught his eye,
as it had also caught mine.
My heart was thumping wildly against my chest,
I hoped that the soldier would hear it
Pounding, pounding, and pounding against my chest,
anything to keep him away from my Sarah.
The soldier had seen a
Wisp
of her
Golden locks,
from behind the wardrobe
He grabbed her and had her
down on her knees,
she was so strong, didn’t shed a single tear,
she looked straight ahead, not willing to give me away, showing no fear,
in her expression.
But I saw the fear,
in the way  her little fingers twitched, tied behind her back.
Then the soldier pulled out his gun and
SHOT
MY LITTLE
GIRL
IN
THE
HEAD!!!!!!!!
I was screaming,
screaming her name
Over,
and over,
and over,
and over,.........
And yet the soldiers,
did not hear or find me,
for I was screaming soundlessly
He shot Sarah,
My everything,
My little sister,
but most of all,
My LITTLE GIRL
Mom and Dad put us into hiding 6 and a half years ago.
They had  foreseen what would happen,
and for 6 and a half years,
Sarah was my little girl.
I would give her my food, I made sure she had enough sleep,
she was the reason I fought so hard.
And now, I
Have
Absolutely
Nothing.
I have nothing to LIVE for,
nothing to FIGHT for,
nothing to,
PROTECT.
My everything was taken away,
Sarah was taken from me.
And I can’t ever get her back
The soldiers left her there, she looked so cold,
the soldiers had been gone for hours now,
yet I was still in my hiding place,
frozen with
fear,
shock,
devastation.
I climbed out of my hiding spot,
Sarah, oh Sarah,
my little Sarah was gone,
her golden locks
stained with RED.
Her once bright, beautiful eyes,
Now only one remained.
For the soldier shot right above her eye,
so, nothing remained.
The one blue eye,
once beautiful,
Now cloudy.
I gently closed her eye.
I found a cloth,
went to wet it,
And began to cleanse the wound.
She looked better when the wound was not cleaned.
For there was a hole in her head,
I was able to see inside.
I cleaned her limp locks,
And did my best
to cover the gaping hole.
It was still not a pleasant sight to see.
But it looked better than it did before.
I start to clean the
ribbons of blood
on the walls,
And the beautiful, hard, maple floors.
I tried my best, but there
were still faint
ribbons,
staining the walls,
and streaking the floor.
I start to talk to her,
my mind
not accepting the fact that
Sarah
is
gone.
I try to keep her warm
Try, trying to keep the warmth
in her
lifeless body.
I repeat her name
“Sarah, Sarah, it’ll be OK,  y-you’ll be fine.
We’ll get through this together.
I’m sorry Sarah, I’m so, so sorry.
I should have given you my hiding spot,
And I hid in the attic,
I’m sorry.
I failed you.
I’m sorry.”
Aunt Leslie and Uncle John came in then suddenly,
took one look at me
holding Sarah’s
lifeless
body
in my arms,
and started to sob.
They had brought Mom and Dad,
to take Sarah and I
to a refugee camp.
They didn’t hear the gunshot,
that took Sarah’s life.
dad came over to me and told me to let her go,
Mother told me to be strong,
But she had tears,
streaking down her cheeks.
“Lucy,” Mom says, “we need to go,
And we need to go now.”
I look at the body,
in my arms.
Once a lovely little child,
now nothing but a cold corps.
I take Sarah’s locket that she always wore around her neck,
And slipped it into my pocket.
She always knew that I loved it,
she even told me once,”If anything ever happens to me Lucy, it’s yours.”
I had told her not to think like that,
But then again,
I thought the same things.
I apologize  to Aunt Leslie, telling her I did my best
to get the
ribbons of blood,
off the floor and walls.
She said it was OK.
I told Uncle John that when I was safe,
that I would write.
He said that he would miss me,
I did too.
After saying goodbye,
we hurried into a wagon of hay,
the driver willing to help us.
And we were fleeing once again,
for a place to be safe,
will be quite a ways away.
The nearest refugee camp was in Italy.
We will be safe there.
At least,
for a while.
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