Tinnitus rings out in an otherwise tapioca colored room with frog mugs lining the dresser

A picture of a flower is sat bent along the wooded beam

There's a dusty web with a spider's 13th ****** hanging behind me

There's a shoe of only 1 lace adorned
& A cutthroat lingering in the hall

If I had to do it all over again
Id be born somewhere tropical
Then drown when
The waves hit me

This is too much

I can't write this poem

  I sit up like a pig & see a half baked moon

Your reason for dissertion & death was inadequate and thus we sentence you to death

My ***** are warm

I'm so alone that I have dreams with no one in them

I'll write a song sometimes while asleep & awake in disgust
As I realize it's a beetle

These quizzical looks warm my starchy heart

Who knew crying was the remedy for sadness
, The only ones who care are your moths and they barely even do

I hope I see you again someday when you're shrunken and pleading for
      ****** blood

These days wrap around me like a prayer
      left unanswered since January so
I drive my car to the Chinese shop
& Squat next to
A bearded man playing a grey shoe

My brain is like a wooden log
& My lung is full of grease & smoke

I am merely a man chasing an expectation
I should give up on love because it's been a force of unrelenting agony
but I grip onto the stem like a monkey choking a stalk

What more do you want from me?
Why do these people exist
  when it's my world?

If anyone knew
They'd point to the dog and say
"Speak"

It wasn't always this way
But sometimes when you reminisce you see the stains of a wasted life and potential like filaments dancing in a stuffy room

The children know as you pass them and their faces contort in disgust
And the dog barks like a ***** being culled from its cave

The dejected and the disorderly;
The castigated and condemned -
You wear your clothes
Like a rucksack and meander through the road as cars hiss past and eventually you stumble somewhere safe for the moment
What is the meaning of this suffering?
Surely it wasn't always this bad, but it has been
& My persistence is merely the persistence of a fool chasing delusion when reality is much more merciful in its blunt assertion

You don't belong
And that's ok too because
nothing matters

Birth day
Ordered a pizza
Sat in a bath
Walked to a rocky hill
Spoke to my siblings and parent
And am now watching a show
Gonna lay down
& Get drunk
Then wake up tomorrow the same but
Older

Lots of people are lonely, but you have the false assumption that being around another person will fix your loneliness. Do you not remember the nights intertwined with someone wishing you could be anywhere else? You just desire what you don't currently have, and it's normal human nature, but your issue seems to be of a greater spiritual emptiness that no one person alone can fill, nor will ever fill. Perpetual longing is the default state of man and you suffer because of this desire,

Splattered in concrete like decent ommissions
Like ethereal gods
Like rotted pine and faulty seeds
Like withered lungs & crusty pig ****
Like  laughing dogs and cunty cats
Like frolicking lilyhammers
Like ****** bullmen
Like sexless libras
Like tight stewardess *** in the 90s
Like a poptart tomorrow
Like the last liberal
Conservative
Connected to the wifi
Take a stige
And laugh
Why not lol
Ok
   Ok ok
This is like myself

The raccoon reached out with its little paws trying to pick off an apple from the tree.
I then picked up the aluminum bat and whacked it right into the skull and heard it whimpering as it floundered down the porch steps.
These apples took 3 years to grow & cultivate.
  Don't steal my apples, and that applies
To the children outside as well

She had the finest **** I told her

When you're alone at 2am, isolated and riddled with neuroticism and neurodivergent tendencies
a little company is satisfying .
I had no real intention of sleeping with her but I liked the idea of being wanted so I let my mind wander
and hers too

Crying to myself
Men cry more than women you just don't see it.


Stricken by the insurmountable odds and pressures, beaten down by impossible standards and unrelenting
strife and turmoil

I cry more than the average little girl,
You'd just never know. And Im not ashamed to admit it, but it's still my secret

Your society is built
on exploitation and slavery;
Innumerable men and women and children wasted for the sake of cheap comfort and fake technological idols.
You skirt past the inhumanity and treachery simply because you are too tired to protest, and when you do, you're ridiculed by the lost masses anyhow;
Your own family turns against you as you vocalize what is plainly obvious as to make the sane insane,
And the mass murderer sympathetic.
It's a sick world,
  But as long as you cultivate alliances and speak the begotten truth, some day we may be free from its shackles and
Usury
But you can't be complacent
or else you're
Complicit

La Croix
  & *****

Soap &
Cat hair
Socks
& *****  underwear
Where is the last jar of tomatoes?
My sister wants Bolognese

A digital bath

The thing with hate is you either hate everybody or you hate yourself, but it has to be directed somewhere.
For what use this knowledge is, I don't know,
But it makes sense finally

I hope one day it all crumbles

& The infrastructure is swallowed into the abyss.
& all strata of man and woman pummeled like a grey mallet
into a vengeful rock.

And then the old ones can stare from afar and ponder their fate.
All gods die

This girl interrupted my sleep
I never talk on the phone but she insisted;
crippling OCD and trigger fixations.
Her word is 'shoot"
If you say 'shoot"
She'll immediately recede into herself and become mute for the entirety of the day.
We moved on from that;
She told me she liked my voice, I told her she's got a cute laugh.
She didn't seem so crazy after the 3rd hour

Took a walk;
Saw a cool trail
Saw the litter

Saw the bramble
I walked in the road
Saw the lack of people
And the red truck
With tires now deflated
Saw the sun
Saw the breeze
Saw the pebbles along borders and a misty eyed grasshopper
Swallowing a leaf

To chop off my **** would merely be a function of desire

To chop off my hand would mean I couldn't pluck a rose

To run off into a lake would mean
I learn to breathe underwater for some time

I see other avenues

Back to the ugly

Like a cyclical hell.
I was here 7 years ago, & I wondered if things would be different.
All procrastination and all sides quests -

If you're resolute on the end, then it will end.

These people and places I intermingled with were mere distractions.  Happiness is a warm gun
- lennon

Finally told you how I feel and it was liberating.
Was tired of the reluctance and nicety
and fake virtue, may as well spill my guts.
I wanted you to know that I hate you, and how vile you are, and how much of a disgusting pig you are.
I wanted you to see that side of me. That's the side that sleeps well at night, knowing he has no one to please & no one to rely on;
peace of mind

It's getting hard to live
When I can't even make up my mind
To exist

You get what you give
It's no use tryna make it out alive

Don't forsake me
Let me be
I'm riding this wave
Into uncertainty
With my eyes closed
Waiting for the call



I fold my head in my hands
And pray to eternity

I wanna make my way into the callous air

And see

This is a song about nothing
About crying outside

About dying tomorrow
And making a mess

You've got a face like a sun
And a body like a bent
Stem


Hold you close so you don't fall with the crowd

I'm running late now and seeking another
Appointment
Dead souls for the way we forget

A song about nothing
Can't even rhyme
I forged a ticket
And spat out an idol


Don't say you want me
When you wanted an excuse

Up at 5:04am
Incapable of sleeping
Calling off today; I won't be making the patients their apple sauce
I'll lay in bed
And *** to pictures of
    Of past excursions
Wondering if I still know how to ****
I'm such a loser, but that's a good thing sometimes.
My mirror is broken
And my room is full of ****
.
The webs sit and the spiders eat daily, even some drinking my blood
I **** out the window
And fantasize about
Being a serial killer; but that would bore me even too - too much work to sever a head
And kick it down a street.
Im angry
& Feel as if I have no way of release. I'm unheard,
I hate my friend.
I hate my circumstance and I'm lost
So I write
Some words and prolong the descent -- I know I'll
Get out of this, but It doesn't get easier even after the 119th time
**** it all

I squeeze what's left of me

  Tired of pleading.
I scroll through walls of shapeless consumerist
talent show entries, all yelling to be picked.

I'm suceptible to the game too. All for money like a *****.
1 step from putting a ***** up my *** and eating fish larvae
In a bucket like a good mukbanger.
I HATE humanity
I HATE being here.

I HATE being cheated and losing my capacity for love and trust, always on edge.

I don't want to compete anymore. I want silence,   but  I can't drown out the noise, like tinnitus
Drilled into my skull
It's always been this way. But now I'm desperate. & There's no more suppressing it

I want to run
So far
Into nothing
And bury my eyes
In a dense
   Abyss

The laughing permits
And so does the humming
Step inside yourself
And visualize the dream
Dancers in the dark
Cancer in a sombre heart

A stillborn child when you were
Hopeful
Reminders of a decadent past
Youth and fortune
Love and lust
Starlight
And dust

What remains is
Enough

What's done is
Done
& done

Just took mushrooms

All music seems pointless
So does this poem

Words of wisdom
If you're standing afar.
Someday the Earth
Will die
And so will you
Smiling in its embrace :)

I was genuinely an evil person to my ex
I made you feel low
And devoid of all self worth

I abused you mentally and physically
Dehumanized you
Made you feel like trash
But I was ultimately projecting my own lack of self worth
And there's not much to learn here
But I
Was a ******* and I'm sorry

I hope I learn my lesson for real.
I deserve it, because I
feel it in my soul and it
   hurts
even now

Absolute hell
& Misery
My head aches
Like a ticking bomb and my heart is full of compressed air
I see faces without emotion even though there are human impulses here.

I want to leave
And be forgotten
Like the many dead

I feel bad because I'll never be what you want me to be.
The problem is that I genuinely don't care and I guess that's why you're attracted to me. I'm perpetually out of reach and indifferent and
I don't feel compelled to keep you around nor reach out, but when you leave for good that's when I'll miss you. That's when I'll regret not having done more to hold onto you.
It's a trait of psychopathic narcissism;
I love the idea of being loved, but actually being in love is too much. I cant give you that power even when I know you only meant good
And now I have nothing, because I refused to receive even when you were prepared to give me
Everything

Sitting dead with a headache I read 5 pages of a biography then put it down to rest my demented tik tok addled brain

I scroll through pics of creatures barely human, frothing and I then I revert to a fetal position;
Whilst sitting i receive a call from a stranger I knew 15 years ago and say happy birthday.
My day kinda drifts after this into a damp bag and I pretend to be someone special and good when my heart stops counting in bursts of 10
And 11 and the dawn swirls into nothing

Women always project. She calls me a ****** when her ******* droop and her belly hangs.
She calls me dumb when she doesn't even know where Cyprus is.
She calls me petty when she goes out clubbing the night I'm too sick to get together.
She calls me cheap when she can't even buy a proper mattress that doesn't pop in the night.

They just project, and that's why when you say nothing it hurts them so bad; it's reality as plain as their haggard eyes in the morning after another night desperate for love but never able to attain it

Bleak like a cracked mirror in a skid row ****** squat;

Bleak like my testicles
After a day of doing nothing
But
******* air

Bleak like a Chinese person in China in the year now

Bleak like a mortgage in 2023

I fill a cup with water and drink it down, nice and cool

I used to care and be cautious
But now I just really wanna impregnate her or someone.
I'm sorry child, but suffering isn't too bad, it's the living you have to worry about

When your head is packed with garbage & there's an unrelenting ache there actually comes a certain clarity,;
I can't concentrate on anything because I'm just trying not to die, thus 99% of living becomes superfluous and you focus on the pertinent, which is not dying, like I stated

What was once green is yellow
& The pockets are lined with bent cigarette stems

I saw a little girl painting on a sidewalk.
I went down to the bench
& Wondered what
It felt like to be alone again

Today was just practice

sponge bath
In a white moon saucer
The crumbs laid out spell
Something like
"*******" so
I roll up a pad and play dice with the ***** licemen; like bugs they make love

I talked to her for an hour on the phone and she called me babe and the night prior I was pounding her as she cried out and begged for more; I then pumped into her and watched a movie after whilst cuddling.
Now she deleted me.
This is why I say "they don't t belong to me it was just my turn"
I then get back on my app & match with a Latina named "Rain"

The pain splits my head open
& My heart spills out of my gut

Greedy gelatinous slithered eyes stab at me
& A duckling yellow combover with grey tongues spit at me
"No time off"

I turn off the device and go back to bed; the fuzz in my head lingers but at least now I know I wasn't crazy, just
sane

Flip every plate into the pit
  We talk about ******* but never do, her wife wouldnt let us anyway
But I scrape more **** into the trash and talk to the old lady, she's goes off into the eating lounge.
I talk to the old man, old and dying
There is no youth here.
I try to talk to the kitchen, they don't talk in my language.
I try to talk to myself but I am too ashamed to self-associate

So I take a breath and then 10 hours turn into 5 minutes as I break with mild tremors.
I am alive and now I can sleep to escape
Until tomorrow, until I
Have forgotten who I am

What I want to see is more blue, or maybe
Light greyish
Teal
Coated with sparkles
In a reflective aquarium
With eels and sponges,
Then I can go swim with my face facing the fishes like my friends in
    The deepest water, riding a  
bellowing whale to somewhere far far away

Met up with my ex, and I left feeling more alone and isolated. No one person is the answer to your problems nor will they ever complete you.
I'm glad I broke the illusion

I'm alone whilst touching flesh, heart to heart, blood to blood.
Sticks for hands grab at a bended waist and the hair tangles with every ******.
I can now forget to blow out my head, I'll be late anyway

She says I "can't change"

The stuff she wants me to fix is superficial like buying flowers and spending more money on dates.

If that's her measure of love whilst disregarding all the ways I helped her and loved her unconditionally what the **** am I hanging on for?

It's just a shallow justification for her *******, considering she already 'moved on' with another guy a week after our break up

when it's over it's over
and it dies
  months before you even knew it.
women are nature's best actors

Losing my grasp
Agonizing over nothing,
Clinging to a crumbling piece of debris,
I am but a single period within your time.
I am a lonely cloud on a hot day.
I run amok when everyone is smiling.
I am a broken hand and a broken tooth
What I am is the same as yesterday.
Goodbye

I moved on, and it took not caring
All I had to gain was a headache and another year of setbacks
I feel better alone.
I feel more like myself and more content in the silence, and silence is where I grow

Feeding the geese in a storage pocket
Fasten up your hands
The wide open window doesn't screen
nor do I yell at them.
Bludgeon them with a sickle,
Take out my eyes and put in a new soul.
I want to dream like Moses in a ****** sea

I think I believe in God again.  I hated him like I did my own father for a while, but he was always there, I just chose to ignore him and I'm ready to talk again
It's been too long. How's Mom?

I was in love with a feeling.
It was intoxicating and removed me from the state of despair and suffering I was entrenched in. It was relief, it was distraction, and now I'm back where I started.
I'm a little wiser but so what.
I'm a little older too, and I'm running out of time..
I can't keep making the same mistakes

Born alone, die alone
You complimented my life but you didn't complete me; I'll always be unwhole.
You fulfilled my desire and longing but I didn't need you, like how I don't need a fix.
You were the light in the darkness but my eyes can adjust to the black.
You were support to my legs when they were shattered but I'll learn to crawl.
I'll learn to adjust but only because I have to,
not because I ever wanted to

lonely, but that's because I don't like myself.
That's because I wish I had my friend
I would've loved you even if you didn't have a means to satisfy my stupid lust.
I could sit and talk to you and that's all that mattered, and now I'm stuck with myself again
I never learn

And yet here I am making a poem in His honor