The other day at school, Boy1 sent a full-length photo of me sitting in the hallway to Boy2. Offering my body, my self, as a gift.

objectified                                used
         trapped                                              guilty                          at fault
                                    ugly
                                                                       hollow
      *****
                   fragile                      wrong              
                                                                                           empty
             unworthy
                                                                                                   weak
                                             penetrable
                                                    impure
          cheap                                                                 used
                                  objectified

I feel so alone.
In the pit of my stomach, I am alone.
With a dear friend in the next room, I am alone.
still.
no matter what.
I feel it in the quiet moments.
why?
It's like a bit black stain, a gaping hole in my sternum.
completely empty.
I don't understand why.
I just want someone to hold me, know me, accept me.
But when I get the chance, I'm too afraid of getting hurt.
****.

I just want to have fun.

*******. I want to be known. Loved.

I'm surprised at you
You have the capacity to be a FORCE
But you hide
I know why
You know why
We both know it's silly
And yet it isn't.
That's okay.
That's okay.
We'll get there when we get there.

You remember that time?
That was awesome

We'll get there
and we don't have as far to go as we think

As I listen and look back
I see where I was
where I went
where I've been
how I've fought
how I've hurt
how I've cried
And I'm glad for all of it
because without it I wouldn't be here
and I'm happy here
with my flawed self
I'm happy
All the fears, the lies, the pain, the lies, the hurt, the tears, all of it

it got me here
and I'm just starting to like myself

Then one step back.
why.

It's hard to take up the space
                                                 I know I take up
I was raised to make myself smaller
                                                  invisible
                                                  perfect
I know instinctively how to please anyone
I haven't a clue who I am
                            what I want
                            how I feel
                            what I think
                            what I want to say
                            how to trust myself
I was raised to take those from others
So that's how I treat myself now
Generous, kind, loving, forgiving, bolstering,
Empathetic, understanding,
all to everyone else
To me?
Strict, harsh, degrading, nasty, unkind, illogical
I can never be good enough for myself
I do not exist without others
YES I DO

I am strong
         brave
         resilient
         clever
         sharp
         intelligent
         kind
         loving
         sympathetic
         empathetic
         forgiving
         courageous
         opinionated
         extreme
         funny
         deep
         a thinker
         a feeler
         intuitive
         a ray of ******* sunshine
         creative
         helpful
         Me
         Worthy

All or nothing
love or ambivalence
ambivalence or avoidance
few to love
alone
waiting
trying for patience
impatience
annoyance
pray for them to come
prepare yourself
pray for patience
impatience
acceptance
patience
frustration
patience
pray­
back and forth forth and back
alone
waiting to be known
waiting alone