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Em Becker Jan 2022
Do you ever think to yourself, “there is a weird dichotomy between their face and their body..” ?
Em Becker Jan 2022
It’s funny. No matter how many times I hear it,
“You love other people so well, why don’t you give half as much love to yourself”
Or some variation therein,
I still feel my nose burn, tears full my eyes, and my heart still squeezes.

Except this time, I honestly replied, “I’m trying.”

And that is enough.
Em Becker Aug 2021
I don’t feel butterflies with him.
And that’s good.
When I am with him I feel that I don’t want to be anywhere else in the world.
That is something I never feel.
Not even alone.
Em Becker Aug 2021
What do I do?
I finally found the One I never thought I'd find
I thought I was too ________
I thought I'd be alone and always crave what I would never be able to find
and then he walked in
and for the first time I felt like I was home
I didn't want to be anywhere else

so why in the **** did I just **** it up.
Not **** it up - well, yes - but it was healthy, I need to do what I said for myself, because I deserve it, but why can't I have both? why can't everything work out in my timing and according to my plan and then I'll be happy?

It hurts so bad.
my heart is breaking like I never thought it would or could
it hurts
it hurts
I'm praying
through every single spiral my brain is spinning down
what if? please, Papa, let that not happen and if it does (more tears) please help me through it.
what if? please, Papa, let that not happen and if it does (more tears) please help me through it.
what if? please, Papa, let that not happen and if it does (more tears) please help me through it.
what if? please, Papa, let that not happen and if it does (more tears) please help me through it.
what if? please, Papa, let that not happen and if it does (more tears) please help me through it.
what if? please, Papa, let that not happen and if it does (more tears) please help me through it.
what if? please, Papa, let that not happen and if it does (more tears) please help me through it.

My brain wants to detach.. my emotions are overwhelmed and in the past I've had to detach, but I want to feel this, every excruciating second, I don't want to leave my body, I can't handle that, I can't, please, Papa, keep me here, settle your Peace over me, I miss him and all I want is to be there with him having this in person. I don't understand, but I trust you and your plan to give me even more and better than I want and expect and think is possible, but it hurts so bad, I just want to hug him and hold him and love him and I can't because he can't and that scares me, and I don't know what to do.
Em Becker May 2021
Hey Papa,
tonight when I sit on my balcony, I’m not going to talk with you,
I’m going to Numb.
And it’s not because I don’t love you
or want to.
I did a lot today. And now I’m tired.
Tired of thinking
Tired of hearing
Tired of feeling
I’m just tired. And tonight I need to give myself a break.
Em Becker May 2021
It’s 8:32pm
I want to sleep for twelve hours
maybe fourteen
I don’t want to be here
I don’t want to think
I don’t want to filter the world
I want Silence
         inside and out
I want nothingness
I want peace

It’s a constant cacophony
and I just want peace and quiet
Em Becker May 2021
I wish-
I want-
I daydream
                but it's a lie
shake my head to clarify my thoughts
what is real
                       and what did I create
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