"empathy for yourself"
and I broke
head down, lips pursing to keep the sobs, suddenly wracking, inside
I need to feel all that
that I felt unseen
that I felt unheard
that I felt unloved
that I felt unloved.
un loved
let it be
feel that
excruciating
excruciating pain
of being

When confronted I freeze
mind completely blank
black screen
when I am mad but small
I feel myself swallow words down
make myself invisible
pleasant yet unremarkable
what do I have but my looks?
everything
if I'd but let it out
I scream for it
  crave it
  am terrified of it
  fight it
  fight for it
  shove it back down
  swallow it
  blurt it out
  don't stand by it
I'll figure out how to let my
freak flag fly

What is love
like being alone
knowing that you are heard
                                       listened to
                                       understood
looking at the person as they
do that little thing and
falling all over again
looking over and seeing their
tiny smile
knowing they love you
                         accept you
                         understand you
feeling your heart swell
it fills your throat
the more I love the less I speak
backwards so no one understands
I am alone
waiting
for my partner in solitude

I am uncomfortable
   my head is screaming and
   pulling at my body to
   move and fix
It's easy
But somewhere along the journey
of nerves and synopses it dies
I cannot move
I am stuck
too hot
too cold
back searing
neck aching
head lolling
I cannot move

I used to smile
with my eyes
without faking
but that was a long time ago.
Now I hide.
I make myself smaller, invisible, so no one looks.

If they do, they may see me.
And what then?

                                      fear.

I feel my insides start to vibrate
The muscles of my lower lids tense
My entire body is tingling
I am steady as a rock
My breath drops to my gut
My feet meld with the floor
My mind clears and focuses
My thoughts are a bullet train,
mechanical cogs that move together seamlessly
I take a deep breath
I open my mouth
My tongue lifts
I know what I want to say,
     I always know,
          but I never say
Now I don't hold back
No holds barred

I am still vibrating
I am flying
soaring
finally free
strong
whole

In daily life I watch
                        observe
                        see
So I know people's points
If I was a lesser person it could be bad, but I'm not
Fortunately or un
But you know what?
**** it.

Why don't people take you seriously
unless you lose it.
Respect me