The eyes are the window to the soul,
At least that is what I have always been told,
But I was never made aware of the language that they speak
And how their words can make you grow weak
Or how they can freeze the world around them
And keep you in their grasp
Holding you there for what feels like forever
Although I am wise enough to know that nothing ever lasts,

So within them I begin to search, or at least try to understand
How sometimes they can pull me in quickly like a black hole,
Or consume me slowly, just like quicksand
But I still wander innocently through their forest,
And float helplessly in their universe, but they do not want me to see
What they are hiding beyond their stars, or keeping between their trees

The darkest hours of the night,
is where the devil inside of me
comes out to play,
so I suppose
there are really no words to describe or say,
what it means to me,
that you turned darkness into light..
how you turned my devil into an angel, even if it was only for a night.

bullets break more than just bones, they
break brains, hearts, souls, and homes, they
stay in guns claimed to be emptied and then take a soul, they
make sure certain people will never grow old, they
make warm hearts turn ice cold, they
make hearts stop beating constructed of gold,
they
empty the bodies of the bold, and
in the end, they make you feel so alone,
because they take away the ones you love the most.

every night, we
drew blood from the moon, and
allowed it's silver pools, to
fill the cups in which we drank from in order to immerse ourselves in our own delusions, we

hid underneath a blanket of stars, tending
to the loneliest parts of ourselves, I
would pick the flowers from my garden, and
I would plant them in yours, I

would knock upon doors in your mind, hoping
something inside you would find the strength to open up, but
most of the time they remained shut, and

I have always wandered through forests and oceans, searching
for pieces of myself, yet
within you I found a few, and
I also found something else, within

you I found both heaven and hell, I
found both graveyards and gardens, I
discovered the sun and the moon, and
I discovered it within me too, yet

it seems that often times I misconstrued what you said you saw in me, I
knew that I have always been a tragedy, an
abandoned garden, decaying
and destined to never flourish again, yet

I thought you had found a spot in my ground in which you could plant yourself, in
which you could grow and despite the parts of my garden that are withering away, you
had found a reason to stay, but

I was wrong because the only door you ever opened was one that did not reside in either of our minds, but
a door that was in my life, and
you walked out.

I can only recollect the moments....before, during, and after,

before.....
we were laughing so hard I felt like I couldn't breathe,
and my stomach, it hurt so bad the pain was almost unbearable,
I was crying too, we were both crying,
to the point where she begged me to stop because it was hard for her to see....
and moments before,
we saw the lights of a cop car, and
at first I was going to say go straight to avoid it, but
I didn't, so we turned left and were
hoping that we would not catch their attention,
but we did....
because in that moment,
we both saw two lights,
ones that were red and blue,
and the others attached to the front of a street sweeper,
and I remember screaming stop, because
these things only happen in movies and on t.v. shows, and
I don't know why but seconds before we would collide,
I actually believed that we could avoid it,
but our fate had already been determined...

during...
I don't remember screaming,
I remember the sound, the adrenaline, and the feeling of us colliding,
the second I knew we were going to hit it, I closed my eyes,
and when I opened them again I was in a dream, my
chest felt heavy and all I could see was the shattered window shield,
the airbags, and
I could feel a heavy pain on my chest,
she turned and said "oh my god I'm so sorry",
all I could manage to get out was that I needed to get out, we
were on the curb,
and had encountered what we were trying to avoid because,
we definitely caught the cops attention, and

after....
for some reason in my mind I felt as though I had to act like nothing was wrong, I
suppose I was in shock, but
I remember saying I was okay, but questioning whether I really was or not, the paramedics
checked my vitals and said I was good, but
it did not feel that way, and
I could not bring myself to look at her because she was displaying all of the emotions that I couldn't, all of the emotions that
made it real, and I tried
to say I love you and it was okay, but
I could barely make out the words, my dad took me
to the emergency room and, everything felt even less real, we
arrived and I remember listening closely to their conversation, "my
daughter has just been in a car accident", I
gave her my social security number and she got the rest of the information from my father, and
I remember listening closely, making sure he got it all correct, he
got my date of birth off, by a day,
she put my wristband on and a file in a slot, we sat down and waited, only for a second because in a second, a man
in all blue,
picked up the file and welcomed us in, I
remember getting my weight taken, should I
put my phone down will that affect it? I didn't,
I held it and then followed him into the next room, I
laid down on the bed and he, took my vitals again, I
remembered I took a picture of the ones they took in the ambulance, and they said I should show it to them, but I
couldn't talk unless I had to, I
couldn't move unless I had to, I remember
hearing laughter in the next room and thinking of how this, this
can not all be real, there's people
happy and smiling yet I can't get to where they are, I
can't even begin to think of how they got to a place where everything is okay, at least in that moment, but
the doctor came and then someone to take an X-ray, one
by one they came in and out, each telling
me something new, I
remember looking at the clock and noticing how fast the hand moved, they
asked what time it happened, but
I remember Emily texted me when we got off the highway, 10:25,
it takes about ten minutes to get to my house,
how bad was it, I
showed him the picture, "you're lucky
you were wearing your seatbelt, tell
your friends to wear theirs," as
if I am now a walking advertisement, and
they scanned my wristband, as if
I am like a box of cereal, like
the ones I ring up at my job, I
did not feel human, and
we left, I went home and wanted to sleep but,
everything kept replaying in my head, everything
keeps replaying in my head, the before
the way we were laughing, the thought of almost dying nowhere on our minds, the during,
my scream of warning, the cop coming over, the paramedics, the headlights...
the headlights, I swear I can still see them coming towards me in the dark, and after,
the hospital, the smell, my
nurse smelled like someone I once adored, how strange,
and I keep replaying everything in my head, I
can't believe that neither of us is dead.

silent silhouettes spoke to me under the silver moon, and
in those moments of remorse, your
bones bled the promises you broke, and
your silence screamed every word you never spoke, the
agony your heart holds crept its way out of its cage, and
in this moment of my weakness, it
maneuvered its way among the rubble and the debris, every
shattered, bent, and broken piece of me, it
somehow found its way into my heart, and
it has chosen to remain, ever since you chose to depart.

cotton candy clouds of calm swirl into my skies, sometimes
the dark parts of me can be subdued momentarily, and
when they are, it is beautiful, it
is something that paralyzes people with its beauty, and
something that touches the heart of the unholy, it's only
ever something that occurs rarely, yet when it does I
cling to it, like a child to its mother, because
who knows when i will see another sky, a sky
that is not filled with darkness and lacking so much light, a sky
that does not disregard the day and settles in the night, a sky
that although holds the Venus lining, is still smiling
at the world, unapologetic in its beauty, you see
my happiness, my light, my flourishing garden, is like the sunset, it
is so short, so sweet, so beautiful, but can never escape the inevitability of darkness, it
will always fade into the night, gone, lost, without a sight.

The thing about something being empty,
is that it more often than sometimes it can be used again.
That even when what it was once meant for goes away,
It is given a new purpose

I learned this from opening countless, I can’t believe it’s not butter containers,
Only to actually to say,
**** I can’t believe it’s not butter
in this container, it’s last nights casserole,

Oh, and who could forget those cookie tins,
That I swear to god I have never seen an actual cookie in,
Only sewing needles and thread,

And so from this,
In my mind I concluded,
nothing could ever truly be empty.
There was always something that could fill these empty containers,
and give it a purpose once again
Nothing could ever be empty,
At least not forever.

But,
I never realized that those were somethings and you were someone,
And that when a soul leaves a body, its never coming back,
And nothing is coming to replace it,
It will remain empty,
Forever.

And I suppose that’s why when I saw your empty body laying there,
I could not understand,
How something could be so full,
And then be so empty so quickly,
Where did it all go?

It came crashing down like a tsunami on the shore of my soul
One second it was quiet and calm
And the next I am swimming helplessly, struggling to stay afloat
Listening closely to the sound of your voice, as if it was a psalm

And did I dare swim into the depths,
Although I knew not what laid below?
Or, did I stay swimming forward, taking shorter breaths,
Waiting to get consumed by its darkness slow

And the distance between us spoke to me
As it became harder to hear your song
Its tempting whispers beckoning me deep into the sea
Its words echoing in my mind like the sound of a gong

Should I have searched for you in the storm, among the debris?
Or is it better that I gave into the distance, allowing it to pull me beneath.

Your eyes consume me,
Their blue shade like waves of a tsunami on the shore of my heart,
Devouring every inch of it,
And engulfing my soul,

And suddenly I am swimming helplessly,
trying my best not to sink into your depths,
Because although I desire too,
There is far too much rubble and debris,
And if I were to attempt to reach the bottom,
Or even just try to see,
I would surely drown,
So I must stay on your surface.

you once were an ocean,
still and calm, holding such deep beauty, and
you were mysterious as no one knew what lay deep below you waters, and so
I dove into the depths unsure of what I sought, yet
what I found was beautiful, it
was without a doubt extraordinary, yet
oceans don't stay still for long, and
when the wind in your sky got too strong, hurricanes
of sadness would form, and
tsunamis of sorrow would wash onto your shore, yet
I stayed, and
soon your warm waters froze over, and
you created icebergs, a
product of your past and present tragedies, something
that causes unintentional harm, and
they did, they
drowned me within your ocean, and
your tsunamis washed me onto your shore, and
so now I lay here lifeless on the land, waiting
for something or someone to save me before I get buried, six
feet deep beneath the sand.

It's sort of funny how two souls can intertwine,
how they can greet each other upon the edge of loneliness
with kisses and longing,
and how they can promise to never jump over the edge,
how it is not the someone, but the something between the two that keeps them grounded,

And this force, this unknown attraction, can carry them through the night until the sun says hello,
or guide them through the day until the moon tells them it is time to be one again.

But,

tell me.....
what kept us stuck there in that space for so long?
we knew it was not love, I suppose it was the longing,
but all I know is that we both kept the promise,
we never jumped,
I never did,
but yet here I am, in this pit of despair because you pushed me.

I suppose there is no force strong enough, that can keep two people together,
oh silly me,
how could I have forgotten that nothing lasts forever?

but what am I, other
than a pile of bones and some flesh, composed
of past sorrow and debris, watered
with my tears and feasting on the small slivers of sunlight that come from time to time.

Sitting on the edge of forever
Below awaits eternity
To jump would be quite the endeavor

Perhaps if I were more clever,
I would understand the void inside of me
Sitting on the edge of forever

It does not matter the weather
For here I wait alone, silently listening to the sound of every tree
Below awaits eternity

Leaping to the ground, to my life it would sever
But who knows what I may see
Sitting on the edge of forever

To live and be alive, really is whatever
And if I do not go now, I will never be free
Below awaits eternity

But I must decide soon, if not now then never
Maybe I will go on the count of three,
Sitting on the edge of forever
Below awaits eternity

."Which color would you choose to have not exist and why?"
"gray or black, because they are both really sad"
"yellow, because it's far too bright"
"red, because it represents evil"

I've always admired how other's perceive the world, especially in terms of the obliteration of things. The justification for this obliteration however, is not as admirable as it is intriguing. In terms of colors, it actually seems to be quite tragic.

Without black or gray
I am afraid there would be no other way for my paint to say;
**** every source of light in the world; it's all a facade,
I would rather risk burning in hell then admit there is a God,
because he lit candles for me and drew me into his cave,
but I did not get very far before he blew them out, and turned his "kingdom" into my grave
Do not tell me that God is light or that he is love,
because in terms of what exists, it is none of the above,
And do not tell me that you do not want, "gray or black because they're sad"
because I need them to portray the neglect I have felt from my dad
and the way my mother used to say we would always be together
and draped always in forever
but soon began tearing the fabric with every word and every scar
branded in my memory, on my skin, and in the depths of my heart

So please do not wish them to be gone...
Without them how would anyone be able to hear the color of yellows song?

Oh, without yellow
I am afraid the sun would no longer say hello
And the world would be quite dull,
The sun could not take away the cold
And the world would be left gray and black,
although there is not much of a problem with that,
at least for me,
because the world inside my head is already quite dreary,
but what about those children who oh so adore the bees
and who smile back at yellow flowers among many trees,
or what about when my grays and blacks start to dissipate
and I search for yellow, so I can learn to love instead of hate,
or what about the daisies and the sunflowers that I deeply adore,
why without the color yellow then they would be no more
I understand that you may want to rid the darkness in the world, but do not wish for the demise of sunshine and light,
even if at times you think they are far too bright.
Although there are people like me,
who find this hope and happiness hard to see,
there are people searching for it or basking in its glow,
so do not take away the only thing that can dispose of the cold

Now without gray or black,
and without us smiling at the sun, while yellow smiles back,
how would we know red?
the color that occupies our bodies, from our toes to our head

Ah red
Perhaps if you did not exist then many who I love would not be dead,
perhaps if you were not there,
to release the despair,
they held within their veins,
then I would be able to hold them while we listen to the rain,
but I know I still need you, and without you I'd cry,
because I adore when the gray kisses my skin and you always say hi,
and you have always been both a warning and an end,
although no matter how many times you say hello, I always just pretend,
that your warnings are greetings, and even when you scream at me that the end is near,
I act as though I cannot hear,
Red is evil
Well, maybe they're right
But there are many evils in this world, like the devils that make their home in my head during the night
or the voices that creep their way in my bed,
and without them I am sure I would be dead,
because they comfort me and they are my friends,
just as lovely and as wonderful as the color red

not only I, but we need colors such as these to feel. we need them because without one color nothing would be the same, even other colors would lose their contrast or hue. we need them because even though they may be associated with sadness, evil, or annoyance, they are an important part of the world's painting. so although you may not enjoy a particular shade, do not wish for it to go away, because without them nothing would be the same.

So many ways to tell this story
                                   So many d e t a i l s that could help explain
Like the nights where I stayed up,
                             only comforted by the soft sound of the rain
or all the times I decided that b l a d e s would be the best way
                                     to
                                           relieve
                                                     the
                                                          pain­
           But I am sure you do not care
                                            Because what does that matter now?
                           I am gone and I am not coming back.

As the sun leaves the sky
And the day turns to night,
I face a blank canvas
And paint whatever comes to mind

Sometimes its a picture that may almost look real,
But more often than sometimes is a mixture colors
Blended in such a way that portrays what I feel,

Acrylic, oil, or watercolor
All serve the same purpose,
  Regardless of the medium the piece will be like no other
As I cover every inch of the white surface.

Whether it gets completed or not
Does not matter for that's not the point,
Only what was able to be produced
And on the canvas I was able to anoint.

But soon the moon says goodbye,
And the sun once again begins to rise
And as the paint begins to dry
I realize I have met my untimely demise.