I fell into the trap once again,
as I was w a n d e r i n g,
through the ill forest of your mind,
and so I will sit here quietly,
waiting for you to free me........"

Every minute. Every pill,
Every second, oh the thrill
of not knowing whether it is I,
or the bottle that will become empty first.

I am not alive,
although I am breathing, moving, seeing, touching,
I am not alive.

I pour my sorrow into the hands of the unholy
because they make me feel less lonely,
I cling to these addictions I adore,
because I can never help but to want more.

I have become a slave to my body,
i m p r i s o n e d in this flesh longing to be free,
because on this planet there is nothing left for me.

But what is sadness and what is sorrow?
Do we dare to define them, or allow them to define us?
And shall we allow them to determine whether or not we see tomorrow?

.although my mother is not apart of my life, in my sixteen years of existence she has still managed to teach me sixteen things
.........................................................­..........................
1. When you crawl towards hope in the dark, make sure it is not the devil in disguise....oh mother dear you always seemed to dress it in the most loveliest of fabrics and the softest of silks, making it seem so desirable.....how could I have known?....
2. Never leave the dinner table until you are finished....those words seemed to speak more to the demons in my brain than to me because, every night they have their feast and they never leave until they have finished consuming e v e r y i n c h o f m y   m i n d
3. Actions speak louder than words, and mother dearest believe it or not, the marks you left on my skin and the scars on my heart have always been able to scream louder than you ever did
4. The eyes are the window to the soul and they speak their own language that often times is hard to understand.....perhaps if I were to have been able to understand the words your eyes spoke, then I would have been able to hear them say you did not love me before your mouth ever did
5. You must obey and no is not an option... I wish you never would have taught me this out of everything, for perhaps if I knew differently I would have been able to let the words slip from my mouth as his lips caressed my skin....if only he had looked into my eyes, although I am sure he would not have been able to understand what they were saying anyways
6. I am a hoarder...but instead of collecting clothing and art, I now collect my misery and regrets because its all that you left
7. Punishment must be given to those who do bad things...or perhaps its simply bad people...I mean it must be bad people or a combination of the two because you always rewarded almost everything I did with punishment....and still no matter how hard I try, nothing is good enough
8. Do not bother trying to plant flowers within the graveyards of your brain because the dead parts of you have nothing to offer...is that why you tried murdering every inch of my mind?
9. Always is valueless and forever does not exist
10. I love you is like the ocean, something so beautiful and that I rarely get to experience..... so you'd tell me you loved me and lure me into your waters but, I only ever drowned
11. By the age of eleven, unconditional love can become conditional and when you do not achieve perfection or meet certain standards...then you do not deserve love, you do not deserve anything...and no matter what, I believe I deserve nothing at all
12. Happy Birthday is said to good children who respect their mothers....thank god I have never valued the day I was born
13. God is love...but you showed me that love does not exist, so tell me how can there be a God?
14. Your body is not a temple, it is a cave.. and everyday your words sent sparks to the dynamite within me...waiting for the day where my walls would  c o l l a p s e
15.  Your addictions will lead to countless contradictions but they are the only thing that will ever love you so, hold on tightly......eventually they will carry you home
16.  Always forgive and forget...now I always tried to forgive you, always....but tell me, how can I ever forget what you have branded into my memories..?

I now realize....
that there are far more graveyards, in my brain
than there are gardens.

has always sounded so ******* loud,
especially the first day without you here,
i swear to god, it screamed until its lungs gave out.

You are like the sun up in the sky,
you hurt me when I get too close,
but I need you to survive.

There are ghosts in your bones
And they crawl out at night,
Your body is their home
And your soul is their light