.anyone can be apart of my life if they wish to be, but
my soul is like the vast open sea that only a few wish to dive into, only
a few can ever understand why the water flows the way it does, and
only a few dare to discover the depths, yet still,
among the few that do, they
fail to follow my one request, to
be cautious when diving into the depths, and so
still,
they choose to leave, and
still my waters will be, for
it is not their absence that I will ultimately miss, for
things that are meant to be will be, and
in the end it is what is best for me.
it is the fact that I was not worth something so simple.

my life was titled a tragedy before I could even talk, and
before I could even walk, I somehow walked into the arms of misery, and
soon despair would come for me,
knocking at my door,
before I even knew what existence was,
I knew I wanted it no more, and
even after all these years I only crave the end,
dreaming of my own demise, wishing I was dead.

bullets break more than just bones, they
break brains, hearts, souls, and homes, they
stay in guns claimed to be emptied and then take a soul, they
make sure certain people will never grow old, they
make warm hearts turn ice cold, they
make hearts stop beating constructed of gold,
they
empty the bodies of the bold, and
in the end, they make you feel so alone,
because they take away the ones you love the most.

I really don't want to be this way,
I'm tired of being dragged throughout each day, tired
of allowing every flower in my garden to slowly decay, tired
of knowing that not everyone and everything will stay, tired
of watching the sun fall instead of watching it rise, and I'm
tired of waiting for the day I meet my demise, I'm
over feeling like I'm constantly being buried alive, like
I'm always six feet deep,
in my own ******* misery.

you once were an ocean,
still and calm, holding such deep beauty, and
you were mysterious as no one knew what lay deep below you waters, and so
I dove into the depths unsure of what I sought, yet
what I found was beautiful, it
was without a doubt extraordinary, yet
oceans don't stay still for long, and
when the wind in your sky got too strong, hurricanes
of sadness would form, and
tsunamis of sorrow would wash onto your shore, yet
I stayed, and
soon your warm waters froze over, and
you created icebergs, a
product of your past and present tragedies, something
that causes unintentional harm, and
they did, they
drowned me within your ocean, and
your tsunamis washed me onto your shore, and
so now I lay here lifeless on the land, waiting
for something or someone to save me before I get buried, six
feet deep beneath the sand.

I dealt death today.

I know it’s a part of the job.
I know I’ve seen it too many times to count.
But today,
I felt it.

I left the room long after their family did.
There was no where I could go
To escape their

Roaring grief.

They were long gone.
And I was left with their precious baby.
I curled his arms and legs up
Closed his eyes
Wrapped him up gently.
With love and respect
Here he’ll sleep forever.

And oh,
They are so thankful,
That it was me
That I understood
That I was so careful
That I spent the time with them.

And you’re not supposed to take it with you.
You’re supposed to leave it
When they walk out the door
With one less goodbye.

But I took it with me today.

The way they felt before
The way they felt after
The long quiet goodbyes
The man in a suit on his knees weeping
The mother and son making a cocoon
Sheltering their dying baby.
The solemn face of the woman who plays god.
The green death.
The last breath.
The heaving of the living as he gave his last.
The waiting.
Slower rhythm.
Quieter.
‘He’s gone now’.

I watched the clock
The same way I had
An hour before
Waiting for death.

Soon as I could
I fled out the door
Ran into the street
Tried to outrun it

Instead I ran to you
I dialled your number
With shaking hands

I know I’m not supposed to
But all I wanted was you
Your voice

Ringing out
Thankfully
I wept alone.

Today I dealt death
And I found I am not strong enough
To sustain this
Alone
Or for long.

I found I still consider you my haven
Deep down
But that you are not my haven anymore
Or should be.

I listened to the silence
After the call rang out
And decided