It was such a dumb thing
In a stressful time
I knew who I loved
And it was not her
Not the one I kept secret
I only ever really loved one
She asked me if I'd tell her
And I straight up lied
Because I knew
I would never tell her
Not until she already knew
Because how could I?
I'm not shameless
I'm not fearless
I'm helpless
I'm relentless
I'm brainless
Because had I not
Made that mistake
I could still be looking ahead
At the little children
Little ones that will never come
I could still be looking ahead
At the wedding
The Marriage that will never come
I could still be looking ahead
At the happy life
The life with her that I'll never have

Brooklyn Bela
Isa, Hella
Sometimes called
Abelias
A graceful girl
Lust angel
Ethereal

When the stars align
You will be mine
When the world turns thin
We'll be together again
When mountains are rivers
And volcanos shiver
And voices are seen
And the cut is clean
When chants are for me
And you care to see
And life is worth living
And taking is giving

When no longer
My actions prevent me
From truly showing
How much i love you
That is when this will mean
Much more than goodbye

Intro: trouble born
Chapter 1: Getting a grip
Chapter 2: Best friends and child love
Chapter 3: A stranger type of thing
Chapter 4: High School, dealing
Chapter 5: College and Ladies
Chapter 6: An aside, intermission
Chapter 7: Mausi........
Chapter 8: What comes next (in progress)

And so the chapter comes
To a sad close
The highest of highs
The lowest of lows
It wasn't bad
It wasn't lousy
But now I say
Goodbye to Mausi

Sometimes I
Go to Neptune
To sing a little song
Or hum a little tune
I don't know why i go there but i do
And I went to Mars
The other day
Wasn't much there
I have to say
But i was sure a long way away from you
If you want to check my movements,
Look into space
And there you'll see
That the outerspace mover is me

Service of a cut
Looking at your ****
Service of a burn
New songs learned
Torn and frayed
Memories made
All of a loss
Paths are crossed
Progress slowed
Checkers on the road

Unique we start
But I have no heart

Killing a dead man
Holding your hand
Constantly now nervous
Doing you a disservice
Throwing a fit
Still looking at it
Draw the line
Now you look at mine
Praying you're fine
Drinking the wine

Holding a knife
And I have no life

Making you remember
Good September
Continuously pivoting
Conversations riveting
Boundaries set
How we met
Want to run
Your fear of a gun
What I couldn't see
Your love for me

My heart thunders for you still
Though I have no will

Stabbed in the gut
Stuffed in an urn
Service of a cut
Service of a burn

And no wonder
I couldn't see it before
I just didn't realize
How much she loved me
If i lived again
From before when i broke
I like to think i could avoid
Making the same mistakes
But something i've been learning
Is that we'll always make those decisions
No matter how many do-overs we get
It's what keeps us from improving the past

If I scratched myself on the way down
If it bled throughout the night
If it kept me awake for weeks
Would it matter to those I want most?
If all of my hard work
Is now for nothing
And if I made the wrong decisions
Will my tears fill the gaps?
If every moment, I yearn for one
And every moment, silence echoes
If that makes me say things I'll soon regret
Is it my fate I feel changing?


It's the spirits I talk to
In the night
We're both crazy
But you were right
The world around us
Clings too tight
It's just the two of us
But we must fight

Darling, angel, lovely girl,
Let us not fight each other
We must fight those
Who dare to tear us apart

The world will deceive
And people will lie
It's you and I who are constant
When they will all die