The chill bites into my blossoming heart
My heart beats for you
Flying like a summer robin
I sit beneath the cold howling moon
I feel the pull of the earth as we near fall, it's a slow whir of trees and stars
My mind is hazy as a cloud settles onto my thoughts
Porcelain skin lights up under the soft caress of the moon as it is a better lover than any boy
My hair tumbles endlessly to the ground as it wraps into the freezing ground, connecting me to te ground

It's been one year
Since I dragged that cold blade across my dull tired skin
I remember feeling the way it released the demons crawling beneath my skin screaming to get out
I would watch the liquid life run down my arm to the end of my finger tips
Where it would
Drip
Drip
Off my clamy finger tips
Watching it swirl down the drain
Or maybe it was my vision swimming, hearing the swish and pound of my heart in my ears like a mighty ocean as I reached for my towel to wrap around my exhausted body
I remember going to school the day after, feeling the fabric of my shirt cling to the scarlet that would occasionally start again as I had forgotten to bandage my arm
I remember the dull stinging pain as I slipped my pjs on over my thighs at night
It has been a year since the dreadful demons in my head have whispered for that blade
Do it
Do it
They would chant
It's been one year

I remember when you first kissed me
My heart pounded in my heart like a red breasted spring robin
You tasted of pure happiness,
Because after all the months I had waited for this moment
It had finally come, it was so brilliant.
Feeling your breath against my skin as you gently kissed my neck.
It was amazing being so close to you, feeling although we were one.
Feeling your arm wrap around the small of my wispy cloud body
As we kissed the wind blew around us
Pulling us apart as it seemed,
I let my hands drop as I realized you had left
And your lips had turned to dust
You left as swift as you could
Like you had not put up a fight to love
I spiraled into dark claws of heart break, only to crawl back out
Whether I was to come out with bruises on my hands, knees,
Or even my heart
I wouldn't allow my happiness to be based off of someone who would leave.

You toss my heart around like a toy yo-yo on a thin fraying string
Oh please watch that string,
Fear swells in my throat like child's gumball
Please don't let that string fray to far
I'm trusting you with so much
But Please Please don't let my heart go swinging into an abyss

Fourteen was insecure and depressed. It was sticking my figures down my throat and nothing coming up but little pieces of myself I wish I’d fought to hold onto. It was hours of exercise, hundreds of sit ups and 15 pounds. It was specks of my childhood I wasted thinking the most important thing was to have less fat on my body and wishing to just disappear all together. Fourteen screaming loud and was always looking for new ways to self destruct and new doors to slam shut.
Fifteen was self discovery, running, pills and new friends. It was singing in the shower again and also lying down crying. It was learning how to not weigh myself 10+ times a day, before showering, after, before meals and just to torture myself, after. It was new beginnings. It was learning how to trust again. It was stressful and sometimes sharp and harsh, but mostly on my self. It was burning calories and sometimes eating them back and learning that was okay. It was the beginning of a new girl. One who takes shots with her best friends and does brave things that may seem normal to others, but a challenge for her. It was sometimes crying with them and laughing with her mother and looking in the mirror and trying to look past the devils advocate contemplating the next meal.
The girl in the mirror I see now is sixteen. She is kinder now, softer. Her eyes aren’t nearly as gloomy and she stands with her shoulders further back. She’s less harsh. She’s learning how to touch with out brushing and love without limitations. She’s brave.

Oh and my dear how I could love you
*but will you allow me