Because at 1 a.m.
When your heart aches
And bleeds the blood,
From every one of your heartbreaks,
It's hard to silence your cries,
The pain rips through you,
Like a cold wind on a winter's day,
And you have no hope in hell,
Of trying to stay warm.
The wind,
Makes its way,
Into every part of your body,
And the blood spills out
Of you like
Cries from a newborn baby,
Before you even knew what a heartbreak was.

You can't just close your eyes
And try to sleep
After something like that.

You touched my hand,
and the poetry in my fingertips,
suddenly disappeared.
It’s what you do to me,
you make my words turn into warmth,
and maybe,
finally,
I’ve found someone I can’t write about.
someone,
who takes the poetry out of my fingertips,
and gives me peace of mind.

In your arms tonight.
For tonight,
I know nothing of peace.
Love me now,
If not tenderly.
To save whatever is left
Of my tomorrow.

They say you can't live without a heart
But here I am, cold and dead inside
You gave me empty promises
Ones that I thought you would keep
Because you called me different
You made me feel like you would actually care
But the heart can't lie
Now you're killing me
You're telling me you want me back
But you don't want me
You just want the satisfaction
You want the heart
You like the power
You knew that I was broken
Still you picked up the pieces
And claimed them as yours
I trusted you
A heart can't break twice I thought
But sadly I was mistaken
And maybe it will keep breaking
The longer you stand at my door
The meaningless words you say
The ones that you don't believe yourself
You have already broke my heart
Now you're hear to finish me off
Just promise to **** me softly,
Just to let me think you actually care.

You used me
Made me cry
Took what you wanted
Left me here to die
In shock with so much pain
I dont know what to do
Now its starting to rain
I still cant seem to move
The bruises sink through
And penetrate my heart
You left me without a warning
Said we'd never be apart
No more tears can flow
My body is paralyzed
With this pain that has been caused
By the demons in your eyes
My world that once was full of light
Has now gone pitch black
I cant see through this darkness
Even when i try to look back
Lost, spinning in circles
Darkness everywhere i go
Where do i go from here
Honestly...i dont know
My world has just been shattered
And no one understands
I have a fragile heart
You once held in your hands
I trusted you to keep it safe
Cover it through the storm
Trusted you to hold it close
And always keep it warm
Instead you played a game
Used it as a ball
Kicked it across the field
And laughed as you watched it fall
It shattered to tiny pieces
Broken on impact
Now it can never be repaired
Never be fully intact
I was left to tape the pieces back together
Maybe itll be alright
Hey, i think i finally fixed it
Oh..no..that doesnt look right
Its missing the piece that says your name
And without you, it can never be the same

So small in your youth
But you were taken away
At such a young age
What a dreadfull day
Though we never met
Stories I have heard
Now I'll never get the chance
As you've been taken from this world
Blonde hair, blue eyes
The classic family trait
Now gone with the blink of an eye
How can we call this fate
Lifes not fair
Nor is death
You were so full of life
As you took your last breath
These things I've come to see
Of which I dont understand
These unfortunate events
I'm not sure anyone can
Can anyone understand
Why bad things always happen
To the people of least deserving
To even the kindest men
There will never again be a day
That the sun will rise to her
To reveal her smiling face
So full of joy and laughter
2 years and 17 days
Is all the time you had
But all the smiles and joy
For that I am glad
The short time we had you
Was better than none at all
You were held so high and mighty
Why did you have to fall
Death is a strong word
With such a gloomy tone
Even harder it does get
When we lose one of our own
I'll never get to hold you
As you didnt live that long
One day you were here
And the next day you were gone
Accidents happen
And they can rip us apart
And though you're no longer here
You're forever in my heart.

Love is a funny thing...
It's the most beautiful and most exhilarating emotion one can feel. It can change your whole life, it can help you live longer, happier, and let you be at peace when you die...if it's mutual...if it's not, however, it can slowly break your heart to the point that you no longer want to live and you're restless at night, and constantly dream about the one you loved and didn't love you back, and if it gets worse you drive yourself to suicide, and write a letter to that person, and die without ever knowing their response. Love is a funny thing, it can be a life changer--for better...or for worse.

It hurts.
Love hurts.
Loving someone you can't have.
Someone so far out of your reach,
Basically in a different galaxy.
No chance,
I haven't got a chance.
But the beauty,
So tender,
So intense,
I can't take my eyes off of you.
You're the reason I wake up every morning,
The reason I get through the day.
The happiness I have,
When I get to see you,
That is my motivation everyday.
I know I will never have you,
That you could never love someone like me.
But that can't stop my beating heart from loving you.
Love hurts.
It hurts. <3

I dont know
If things can ever be the same
You walked out on me
Through the same door you came
I can try to convince myself all I want
Say Im no longer a choice
But I cant fool myself
With the falseness in my voice
I love you
I want you
But you dont want me
So I guess Ill pretend
And just set you free
Ill pretend to be okay
Though this smile is a lie
For once you look away
I cant help but cry
After all of this
You might think me a fool, like the rest
But Id come running back
At the sound of your request.

I'm thinking maybe
It's time to move on
No matter how much
I want to hold on
I remember a time
When you held onto my heart
Now the memories are fading
And tearing me apart
I thought you were the one
I would spend forever with
Until things went south
And we slowly separated
I didn't mean for this to happen
But no one can control fate
Yet now I look in your eyes
And all I see is hate
I miss our friendship
But you brought so much darkness
I did what I had to do
But now my heart is a mess
Because of you
I'm afraid to get attached
I'm afraid to get hurt
Trust is what I lack
I hate how this has happened
But I guess it's how it has to be
Never again will there be a time
A time of you and me
I'd hoped to forget the past
And move on to a better place
But now I keep getting attacked
Keep getting slapped in the face
Why can't we be mature
Like the adults we both are
I strictly remember
Calling "no holds bar"
But you can't just move on
This I've come to see
We'll never go back
To a time of you and me
I've lost my best friend
I'll add you to the list
The list of people who left me
The people that don't care a bit
I can tell you hate me
I guess I understand
I wish I could have read our future
By the palm of my hand
I guess I'll just move on
And forget what used to be
I guess I'll just forget
That time of you and me

You spit my name off your lips
Like it actually pains you to speak it.
The way your face has that look
"You're such a *******"
I know I'm a **** up
You don't have to share
I know I don't belong here
I know you don't care.
You have birthed 3 children
But you only claim 2
You don't raise me, but tolerate me
I can see the toll I take on you.
You don't want me in this world
You wish I'd never been born
I only cause you pain
Because of me you're torn
Your life would be prefect
If I hadn't come along
You're life would be perfect
If you didn't have to be my mom.

Even when I’m not writing

I’m writing

Spinning words in my head

My spider web mind

captures insect thoughts

lurking around the premise

A natural act

My spider web mind

threads insect thoughts in

so that they can be

Eaten up

at a later time

I more broken than ever before
Sitting silently on the floor
Not knowing which way to go
Either way I lost, I already know.
A side of me wants to go away
But the other side wants to stay
I cant decide whats better
Because I know you'll always chose her.
She's much better than me anyway
Guess you'd be better if I didn't stay
You could finally be happy
And never have to worry
About me or my ****** up depression
These bad thoughts that seem to never end
I don't know what to do
When I see you with her
My heart breaks more every time
But I can see you're full of laughter.
She makes you happier than I ever could
If I just disappeared
Your life would be good.
You hurt me
She hurt me
But I don't care
As long as you're both happy
I've realized I think just like everybody
I put myself second, never first
Because I'm not good enough to be
Even if I'm not the worst.
You like me for who I am?
Great.
That doesn't change that you have someone better
Someone you once said you hate.
I guess she is better
In a way I don't understand
At least she can make you happy
Since I never can.
I don't think I can stand by
And hide how I cry
I don't think I can stand by
When all I want to do is die.
You need to choose one or the other
I hate that its come to this
But I cant take the heartbreak
You're easier to just miss.
I didn't want things to be like this,
I never wanted to make you choose
But you already made your choice
I guess someone had to lose
Im sorry I have to leave
But I cant be okay
When you're with someone else
And I'm left to die and decay.
I don't want to lose you
But I guess I have to go
I'll always remember you
The way you made my heart glow.
I don't want to leave
But my heart can't stay
I don't want to bring you down
Because I'm not okay
I wish it didn't have to be like this
I wish it was just us two
But you're happier with her
And there's no more me and you
I guess I'll move on
So you don't have to worry
I guess I'll just leave
So you can finally be happy.

Maybe I'm weak, maybe I'm strong.
But what's the meaning when you ain't coming home?
So I go inside and close this door, and as I have so many times before.
I'm so confused and don't know what to do.
I've tried to hold on to what we've had and go on.
All the time I have to deny, this pain I feel inside.
If only I could, I would.
Beg you to stay, down on my knees, bleeding screaming
" Please, don't go away..."

There is no way out,
I'm trapped in this hell hole people call life,
I feel as if I don't belong here,
I'm just passing through with no purpose anymore,
I'm scared,
It's getting darker,
I don't know where to turn,
Every bridge has been burned,
But I'm running out of time,
What do I do?
Where do I go?
I'm lost,
I can't find my way back,
Nothing looks familiar,
I don't know where I am,
I have wandered too far out,
I have lost myself,
and who I truly am,
It"s pitch black,
I'm alone.

When my dark blue blanket
Was the deep blue sea.
When every wrinkle
Was a tidal ripple
And the ocean belonged to me.

Oh to be a child again
When a yard of grass
Was a football feild.
Wed tread out the goals
And wed equal the posts
As the sun set down to see.

Oh to be that child again
When wallets werent goods
And suits didnt itch
When a friend was a friend
And that was it.

I lost a little nothing
I gained a little everything
The little philosophical lessons you taught
I mistakenly bought
In fact you taught me a lot
But the only good lesson
Was that I shouldn't lessen
Honestly though
I taught myself
You just gave me a little help
Now I know I deserve much more
To walk way when treated like a chore.

I wish I was strong like I used to be
Before hurt and pain weakened me
Then this wouldn't hurt so much
All I need is your gentle touch...
You know who you are and what I mean
You know that you are... a part of my dream...

Am i happy with my body?
pinch pinch pinch
Will you smile to the mirror
Or make yourself sick?

Is anyone okay
With who they really are?
Is 100% even possible
Give me a sign if you are?

Am i disgusted with myself?
Yeah, maybe.
With so many flaws here and there,
But i guess its alright,
I happen to love my hair.

Thinking
Thinking
My head can't stop thinking
My scars are healing
I'm no longer bleeding
Beating
Beating
My hearts quickly beating
My heart is beating
And I can't stop thinking
You
You
You're the thoughts on my mind
You're the beating in my heart
Without you I'm blind
Wait
Wait
Slow down
Take a breath
Stop thinking so much
Make this moment last
This moment right here
My heart--it warms
Lying down
You safe in my arms
A protected protector
Saved from my mind's hell
I'll do anything to protect you
As you protect me from myself.

My mind is a battle field,
Filled with evil and goodness,
Debating
On which i should choose.

If only
Quitting the drug
Of razors on skin
Was effortless
If only
Stopping sellf starvation
Was as simple
As batting an eye

But nothing comes that easily

My mind is a bttle field
With two seperate sides,
And the wrong side
Is winning.

Relapse,
A sweet, sweet victory,
And a bitter failure..

The night is never
Terrifying

In a moment
I could peel back this window,

Scream and shout
And make a ******* racket.

Mimic murdered cats
or yell things like
**** or fire.

The terror comes
with the silence
in the after wash.

and that has nothing to do
with light or lack.

I lost.
was defeated.
im tired
and im heated
Never knowing what to think
When no one heres to blame
I was flushed down the sink
Defeated by this game.
Im fighting to stay strong
Everything is so wrong
So ill sit alone in the ditch,
Because no one can love a *****.
Ill sit here alone,
While you go off and be free
Ill sit back and watch
As you can finally be happy.

It doesn't matter how hard I try, to keep you inside
Every single time you arrive, it's again because of the lies
When I'm in pain, I don't want to cry, and when I start that fight
You versus I, I realize I'm floating, so I've got to blink my eye
Its okay to lose, Its okay to let it out, no reasons left to deny
How desperate the situation is, there will come a time that you'll get by
Once the first drop slides against your nose just remember, its all right
I feel them growing in my eyes now, but I know there will come dry nights

I stare at my ankle and the thin red lines scream at me
I'm not sure if it's disappointment for stopping
or for starting again.
Now they settle into my skin,
beckoning me back,
to the dark days when the blade and I were lovers.
And blood ran cold to the razor's kisses.
Do I fall to his temptation?
Or do I rise above this?
I guess I'll find out tonight.

me girl in the mask
performing my role accomplishing my task
I strive for things that are useless and vain
but deep inside I'm filled with pain

She gives me self-confidence and I wear it with pride
she protects me with shelter, a safe place to hide

wherever I go, she's always so near protecting me at all costs, she has no fear

Trying to feel what it was, like feelings you can't even remember, holding someone close, loving her tender

A little while ago, I let her in, and she became part of me like a second layer of skin.

And yet so painful but also superior to me
I'm much more than the girl I thought that I ever could be
she knows no weakness and offers no surrender, holds her values high to any offender

The first is when
someone is reckless with
your heart.
and it breaks and it shatters
in ways
you never thought it could.

The second is when
You break
someone's heart
because you'll never
know pain
like the type that has you
look into their eyes
but they look away.

and the worst kind of heartbreak
is the kind that comes along
when you have to watch
the person you love
be happy
with someone else.

No ones ever broken down
These Walls
No ones ever taken the time
To see the beauty that lies behind the structure
That houses all that there is
In and of me
These Walls
Are not meant for protection
They are the ultimate test
The greatest conquest
One will ever know
For, just beyond
These Walls
Lies a heart so full and ready to love
With all it's might
But first you have to break down
*These Walls

Rope knotted over my bare ankles and wrists,
Tying me down to this freezing glacier,
I try to escape,
Struggle,
I suffocate and try to shake your hands off my mouth,
You coax me to stay calm,
To stop strugglung,
"Just give up for now and let the ice break and take me in"
"Something better awaits beneath the surface, youll see"
And i almost listen to you,
Because the more i fight,
And the more i try to escape
From these unbreakavle grasps,
The more the rope burns and slices my skin,
Stinging and peeling,
Your grip over my mouth tightens,
And i only grow more parched from my screaming,
But for some reason,
Even with this pain,
I
Cannot
Stop
Struggling