I was reading my notebook
Dedicated to you
All the different colors
Pink, green, purple, and blue.
I was so drawn
Into writings of past years
And when it finally ended
It left me in tears.
As I flipped through the pages
I was stopped dead in my tracks
When the pages went blank
And I couldn't turn back.
I had reached the end
Not even halfway through
This unfinished story
Of both me and you.
My heart kind of sank
When I saw it was through
But it's time to move on
And I'll always remember you.

No ones ever broken down
These Walls
No ones ever taken the time
To see the beauty that lies behind the structure
That houses all that there is
In and of me
These Walls
Are not meant for protection
They are the ultimate test
The greatest conquest
One will ever know
For, just beyond
These Walls
Lies a heart so full and ready to love
With all it's might
But first you have to break down
*These Walls

I more broken than ever before
Sitting silently on the floor
Not knowing which way to go
Either way I lost, I already know.
A side of me wants to go away
But the other side wants to stay
I cant decide whats better
Because I know you'll always chose her.
She's much better than me anyway
Guess you'd be better if I didn't stay
You could finally be happy
And never have to worry
About me or my ****** up depression
These bad thoughts that seem to never end
I don't know what to do
When I see you with her
My heart breaks more every time
But I can see you're full of laughter.
She makes you happier than I ever could
If I just disappeared
Your life would be good.
You hurt me
She hurt me
But I don't care
As long as you're both happy
I've realized I think just like everybody
I put myself second, never first
Because I'm not good enough to be
Even if I'm not the worst.
You like me for who I am?
Great.
That doesn't change that you have someone better
Someone you once said you hate.
I guess she is better
In a way I don't understand
At least she can make you happy
Since I never can.
I don't think I can stand by
And hide how I cry
I don't think I can stand by
When all I want to do is die.
You need to choose one or the other
I hate that its come to this
But I cant take the heartbreak
You're easier to just miss.
I didn't want things to be like this,
I never wanted to make you choose
But you already made your choice
I guess someone had to lose
Im sorry I have to leave
But I cant be okay
When you're with someone else
And I'm left to die and decay.
I don't want to lose you
But I guess I have to go
I'll always remember you
The way you made my heart glow.
I don't want to leave
But my heart can't stay
I don't want to bring you down
Because I'm not okay
I wish it didn't have to be like this
I wish it was just us two
But you're happier with her
And there's no more me and you
I guess I'll move on
So you don't have to worry
I guess I'll just leave
So you can finally be happy.

"*******"
"*******"
"You're such a *****"
"*******"
"You're ******* up your life"
"*******"

Your words echo in my head
Like shrapnel from the knife that stabbed me in the heart
Words you can never take back
Words that tore us apart
How could you do this
To someone you say you love
"Forever and always I promise"
Turned into all of the above
I've given up on people
On the hope of being SOMEONE'S first choice
I'll never be good enough
I'm just the back up toy
Replaced by everyone
Loved by none
Attacked by everyone
And when I look up, they're all gone
I sit here alone
For I can never win
I'll sit in my broken pieces
Until I can love again
Just the **** up that is me
Alone with the thoughts in my head
Always silently crying
Wishing I was dead.

A door
Some walls with windows
Darkness inside
With the blinds always closed
How can someone
Be expected to call this home
And empty building
Where you sit all alone
But here she comes
Shining bright
Bringing sunshine
Opening the blinds
I feel her warmth
Radiate from her soul
Im no longer alone
This house is full
Her beauty so breathtaking
From her head to her feet
With her in my arms
My life is complete
My only wish
Is to spend forever with you
My only hope
Is that you love me too
'Cause with you in my heart
Im never alone
And with you in my life
Ive finally found my home.

That can never be lost
You can try to call it love
But at what cost
You can try to hold on
When you really should move on
Because that spark will fade
Until eventually its gone
Once its finally gone
Itll be just you two
Youll realize there was no love
Youll see how youve been used
When that time finally comes
Just take a glance around
Youll see me, arms open
Because Ill never back down
I know that day youll see
Just whose love was true
And then in the end
It can finally be just us two
I know it hurts to move on
But you were like her pill
She never truley loved you
The way I always will
Youll always remember your first
That memory will always last
But now its time to move on
And leave the past in the past
Im here to help you heal
I know I can help you through
I know you can be happy
And most of all, I know I love you

And maybe if i close my EYES.
You wont see the pain i hide INSIDE.
Cant get over all this HURT.
And maybe if i only mourn INSIDE.
You wont see the pain you put into my EYES.

She has scars on her legs from the damage you did.
And the apex of her wrists will never be quite the same.
          X's carved into her skin,
                         inadequacy,
                                      self-hatred,
  ­                                                loathing.
She feels weak,
and out of control.
Her flesh will never look quite unmarred.
Imperfections because of you mark her skin,
and she cries because it makes her weak
because you made it hard to breathe.

In this life I live
Ive felt a lot of hurt
And Ive learned to forgive.

No things didnt really go as intended
But you have to keep looking up
And always keep a good head.

People will definitely make mistakes
They'll hurt you more than you thought
But you'll need to know which battles to fight,
And when to just move on

This world is filled with hate and love
The people you love can treat you like trash
But thats why you learn to forgive
If you ever want love to last

It hurts.
Love hurts.
Loving someone you can't have.
Someone so far out of your reach,
Basically in a different galaxy.
No chance,
I haven't got a chance.
But the beauty,
So tender,
So intense,
I can't take my eyes off of you.
You're the reason I wake up every morning,
The reason I get through the day.
The happiness I have,
When I get to see you,
That is my motivation everyday.
I know I will never have you,
That you could never love someone like me.
But that can't stop my beating heart from loving you.
Love hurts.
It hurts. <3

Love is a funny thing...
It's the most beautiful and most exhilarating emotion one can feel. It can change your whole life, it can help you live longer, happier, and let you be at peace when you die...if it's mutual...if it's not, however, it can slowly break your heart to the point that you no longer want to live and you're restless at night, and constantly dream about the one you loved and didn't love you back, and if it gets worse you drive yourself to suicide, and write a letter to that person, and die without ever knowing their response. Love is a funny thing, it can be a life changer--for better...or for worse.

Whenever a toy broke, it was replaced,
And if we found broken glass,
We were told to stay away, it's dangerous,
I guess that's why it's hard to fix the broken hearted,
Too many people are scared,
Of the nicks and cuts they will get from helping us,
So we just remain like broken glass,
Until someone cleans us up or puts us back together,
It's their decision what to do with our broken pieces.

You spit my name off your lips
Like it actually pains you to speak it.
The way your face has that look
"You're such a *******"
I know I'm a **** up
You don't have to share
I know I don't belong here
I know you don't care.
You have birthed 3 children
But you only claim 2
You don't raise me, but tolerate me
I can see the toll I take on you.
You don't want me in this world
You wish I'd never been born
I only cause you pain
Because of me you're torn
Your life would be prefect
If I hadn't come along
You're life would be perfect
If you didn't have to be my mom.

When my dark blue blanket
Was the deep blue sea.
When every wrinkle
Was a tidal ripple
And the ocean belonged to me.

Oh to be a child again
When a yard of grass
Was a football feild.
Wed tread out the goals
And wed equal the posts
As the sun set down to see.

Oh to be that child again
When wallets werent goods
And suits didnt itch
When a friend was a friend
And that was it.

I lost a little nothing
I gained a little everything
The little philosophical lessons you taught
I mistakenly bought
In fact you taught me a lot
But the only good lesson
Was that I shouldn't lessen
Honestly though
I taught myself
You just gave me a little help
Now I know I deserve much more
To walk way when treated like a chore.

I lost.
was defeated.
im tired
and im heated
Never knowing what to think
When no one heres to blame
I was flushed down the sink
Defeated by this game.
Im fighting to stay strong
Everything is so wrong
So ill sit alone in the ditch,
Because no one can love a *****.
Ill sit here alone,
While you go off and be free
Ill sit back and watch
As you can finally be happy.

Think about you less and less,
Everyday you miss your chance,
Someday you'll never cross my mind,
And you'll sit there wondering,
Why you wasted your time.
You made your choice,
I'll say it again,
You can't have me,
I can't be your friend,
Throw it all away,
Watch the ashes burn,
Yeah I know we were in love,
But this time it's just not our turn,
Pass me by,
You think I'll cry,
But you've got another thing coming,
I'm no fool,
I don't need you,
To chase me, to not chase me,
Either way, from you I am running,
It's done,
It's done,
The battles been won,
We both lost,
But someday,
Love will carry on.

The push the pull
No give, all take
There has to be a better way
My heart and mind
They crack and break
I overthink and cry today
Fire and fire
This hate we make
Hopelessly watching this rope fray.

Quit playing games with my heart,
because slowly i'm falling apart.
Just be honest and say you don't love me,
i'm feeling so much pain, can't you see.
I love you so very much,
and I miss your kiss, your touch.
Can't you see I miss all of you,
but I have to see that we're through.
It's hard for me to believe,
but there is no more love left to receive.
I hope some day i'll be okay,
for now I think it's better this way.

I don't know
What to do
Where to go
I'm so ******* confused.
You say you're my friend,
But I feel so used.
I really don't know what to do,
This is all because of you.
You
           You
                     You
You ******* *****!
How could you do this to me
AGAIN
You keep stabbing me in the back
You're supposed to be my friend.
What the ****
What the ****
What am I supposed to think?!
Are we just supposed to start fresh,
Yeah, in your ******* dreams.
You hurt me so bad
and I don't know what to do,
My heart is in constant pain,
and it's all because of YOU.

Pain takes nice people
And turns them to evil things
Words of terror bring them down
Down to the end of their beings.
Pain has changed me
To this morbid person
I cant write of love
I have no reason
I try and try
With no success
No matter what i try to write
It just ends in a mess
Pieces of poems
No one understands
These words i speak
I form with my hands
These words i write
Are filled with demons from my head
I can no longer love
My heart is officially dead
Hung up on your tree
Your tree of love
Hung from a noose
A rope from above
You are on my mind
And in my head
I should be happy
I should be dead
Why am i like this
Only bad thoughts
Why am i like this
Head is always hot
Can never be happy
It always turns bad
For real or in my head
I am always sad
Trapped in my heads prison
Can never seem to escape
Chained down from being happy
My life is one big mistake
No one can ever love me
And the demons in my head
Sometimes i wonder
If id be better off dead

I wish I was strong like I used to be
Before hurt and pain weakened me
Then this wouldn't hurt so much
All I need is your gentle touch...
You know who you are and what I mean
You know that you are... a part of my dream...

You touched my hand,
and the poetry in my fingertips,
suddenly disappeared.
It’s what you do to me,
you make my words turn into warmth,
and maybe,
finally,
I’ve found someone I can’t write about.
someone,
who takes the poetry out of my fingertips,
and gives me peace of mind.

I'm sorry that I said: I'm sorry
but I had something about to worry..
I'm sorry I told you things wich I shouldn't tell
but I couldn't save this hell

I hope you're not angry, hope you understand
I try to hold you close, but I can't
I wish, wish you were here,
but you aren't, but in someway you're near

Sorry for telling you my deepest pain
but I felt like I was locked in a chain
Now I hate myself for telling you
all that matters and all that I knew

What I told you was a fear of me
the fear is gone since I'm with you, see
hope you don't feel teared
crying, screaming I'm so scared..

I'm alone, alone listening to the sea
the sea which I made down on my knee
I hope you don't mind if I cry
Cause I still don't understand why I told you , why

while I'm crying and writing this piece of poetry
I want you to hold me, I want you to see
how much I care, how much I love you
I want you to know I really do

You used me
Made me cry
Took what you wanted
Left me here to die
In shock with so much pain
I dont know what to do
Now its starting to rain
I still cant seem to move
The bruises sink through
And penetrate my heart
You left me without a warning
Said we'd never be apart
No more tears can flow
My body is paralyzed
With this pain that has been caused
By the demons in your eyes
My world that once was full of light
Has now gone pitch black
I cant see through this darkness
Even when i try to look back
Lost, spinning in circles
Darkness everywhere i go
Where do i go from here
Honestly...i dont know
My world has just been shattered
And no one understands
I have a fragile heart
You once held in your hands
I trusted you to keep it safe
Cover it through the storm
Trusted you to hold it close
And always keep it warm
Instead you played a game
Used it as a ball
Kicked it across the field
And laughed as you watched it fall
It shattered to tiny pieces
Broken on impact
Now it can never be repaired
Never be fully intact
I was left to tape the pieces back together
Maybe itll be alright
Hey, i think i finally fixed it
Oh..no..that doesnt look right
Its missing the piece that says your name
And without you, it can never be the same

You were always there for me,
You held the key,
To my heart,
But somebody turned the card,
You somehow got lost in your tracks,
And you forgot the facts,
You were somehow not there anymore,
You walked out the door,
I couldn't see you and I felt so alone,
From that day on you were gone,
And I swear I don't know what went wrong,
But I'm missing you from that day on,
I cannot live without you,
Don't know what to do,
Everyday that passes by,
I cry,
Every tear that falls down here,
Is a memory of you wishing you could hear,
Me crying out for your love,
'Cause there's just nothing above,
I love you so much,
And I know you love me still, 'cause,
I feel you in my heart still,
Only if you would come back I could find the will,
To carry on again, I would be so glad,
If I would see you again, without you everything feels so bad,
My heart is bruised and broken,
A kind of loneliness has stroke,
And I can't breath without you,
And I can't see without you,
Every night you're on my mind,
By candlelight I pray for the will to fight,
Against the feeling of emptiness,
But it somehow infatuates me and I return trying to stop the crying until dust,
I can't take it anymore,
I can't sleep anymore,
I can't eat anymore,
I can't sleep anymore,
I can't dream anymore,
I can't love anyone anymore,
Only you, 'Caus you have a part of me,
Can't you see,
If you would come back to me,
How happy I would be,
I miss you, so much, I linger for you, Come back,
Somehow you are gone,
But I can still see you,
But it's just a memory,
Without you I only worry,
Why are you gone?
A part of me has left me alone,
I've missed you,
Why are you gone?

No words
Just pain
All loss
No gain
A complicated life
Is all ive ever had
No one understands
I think im going mad
No place where i belong
No place to call home
This pain is overtaking
I just feel so alone
Im not sure where to go
When all the roads are black
All the doors have closed
Its getting hard to fight back
Im trying to hold my breath
Til im finally out of the dark
Ive been pounding on these rocks
To make at least a spark
A spark to call my own
A spark thats full of hope
That maybe light will soon be there
And no longer will i mope
Im tired of all these voices
Screaming and shouting in my ear
I sit here all alone
Just waiting for smoke to clear
Once its all gone away
Its just me standing in the street
Waiting for a car to come
And knock me off my feet
Im not really sure
If its worth all the regret
To feel an ounce of belonging
Is all ive ever needed
Ive been trying to get better
To get passed all this pain
But even the strongest people
Tire of dancing in the rain
Im not really sure
How things will all turn out
Or if anyone will ever understand
These words flowing from my mouth.

if lips are made for kissing,
why can't I kiss you?
if arms are made for holding,
why can't I hold you?
if a voice is made for talking,
why can't I talk to you?
why can't you see,
I really need you here with me,
why can't my life be perfect...
why don't you want to be with me?
why do I feel pain, thinking that you're never thinking about me!
why does love hurt, when it's supposed to feel good?
why is my life,
not like it should?
why can't you give me one chance, to prove my love?
cause I am sure, you are sent from up above!
knowing that you love me, would make me so happy!
cause now life is nothing like it's supposed to be,
days are dark, summer is cold,
gold is silver, and silver is gold...
love is hurting, pain is here...
my heart is breaking, you're not near!
you're just in my head, in my heart, in my mind...
and I will never be able to leave you behind!

Is that really better than dying
Im sitting here trying
All youre doing is goodbye-ing
My heart is breaking
My body's shaking
I wish I was dreaming
Im no longer breathing
The world is turning
But I'm not moving
Instead Im stuck here crying
Still wishing I was dying.

I dont know
If things can ever be the same
You walked out on me
Through the same door you came
I can try to convince myself all I want
Say Im no longer a choice
But I cant fool myself
With the falseness in my voice
I love you
I want you
But you dont want me
So I guess Ill pretend
And just set you free
Ill pretend to be okay
Though this smile is a lie
For once you look away
I cant help but cry
After all of this
You might think me a fool, like the rest
But Id come running back
At the sound of your request.

Head pounding
Heart breaking
You're not in reach
Yet I hear you saying
"I love you, I want you"
But not enough
You left me here
My heart turned to dust
I'm walking a tight rope
Being pulled to both sides
Soon I'll just fall
I guess it was a good ride
A good ride while it lasted
But I see it's all over
You may still love me
But you also love her
I don't really blame you
I'm not one to keep
No matter what I do
Everyone leaves
I'm not anything special
In is not where I fit
I guess that's why people leave
But, don't worry, I'm used to it.

Are you asking how I know?
Well I guess I could tell you,
Let's give it a go.
I know I'm in love by the way my heart pounds,
Don't you hear it?
It makes a very distinct sound.
I know that it's true, because I'm not one to blush.
But this feeling she gives me, is this incredible rush.
What do I mean?
Well, my heart will skip a beat or two,
My stomach does flips,
If only you knew.
I get light headed,
And I don't know how to explain why,
But I get so happy, whenever she's at my side.
My pulse will quicken, and my hands will shake.
She's always on my mind, for goodness sake.
I lose my breath, when she kisses me.
It's so overwhelming, I get weak in the knees.
All my thoughts seem to just disappear,
Anytime she comes anywhere near.
And when she's gone, my days seem to never end.
With a deep anticipation to see her again.
To have her lips pressed up against mine,
Or even our fingers, to be intertwined.
She makes me forget everything bad.
And makes me the happiest whenever I'm sad.
I could spend all day and forever by her side,
Because it honestly is nice not having to hide.
Hide from what?
I'll write about that another day.
But as of right now,
I can honestly say.
This is true happiness,
I know, at long last,
Oh look, there she is now,
And my heart's beating fast.

The night is never
Terrifying

In a moment
I could peel back this window,

Scream and shout
And make a ******* racket.

Mimic murdered cats
or yell things like
**** or fire.

The terror comes
with the silence
in the after wash.

and that has nothing to do
with light or lack.

I sure do make you smile
I wish I said more to keep you here a while
I rarely get to see you
and I struggle with that
I try to be in view
So I'm the one you look at
You're the kind of girl
That I'd do everything for
You're beauty like a pearl
and I wouldn't ask for more.