When we are lost
We look within ourselves
Not realizing
It is precisely ourselves
That we must find

It may become especially hard
To find who we might be
When we dont know
Who we are or want to be

We become forever entangled
In this labyrinth of the mind
Searching for answers
Finding ourselves
That we often look elsewhere

Elsewhere may often be the danger
For we look in the wrong places.
We do not find ourselves
Among stems
Among bottles
Among the smoke
For we must set a fire
In our hearts, not our lungs

We especially do not find
Whom we are meant to be
Within another
They may have found you
But you are now lost together,lovers
Often, one more lost than the other

No one will ever
Take your journey
For you,
Although paths may cross,
So you must venture out
Making your own path
So you may once again
Find you.

No.
Stop.
Stop it.
Stop it,okay?!
I'm not doing this again.
Alice will never again
venture down the rabbit hole.

And why should she?!
The rabbit is always out of reach.
The rabbit never sticks around for her.
She chases him
With a heart full of hope
And legs that can only carry her so fast..

But now
She is too tired to keep going.
Her hope has left her behind,
Turned its back on her,
Just as everyone else has.

Dont you dare
Taunt her with a new adventure
Dont you dare
Lure her in with promises of it being
"Different"
"A new path"
"Uncharted territory"
Because that will never be true.

The Weeping Willow stands
On Heartbreak Hill,
Watered only by its visitor's tears..
And Alice refuses
To keep watering a dead plant
She once hoped would live.

The hope of it living
Made her pain seem worth it

But now..
Alice has grown the **** up.

the weight of the world is on my back
can't catch up on the sleep i lack
practically waiting for the upcoming heart attack

what is death?
well death is this
it is not some romanticized bliss
some think its when your body begins to decay
but it's really when your soul fades away

who am i?
just another teen that wants to die
just another day; just waking up makes me want to cry.
why?
maybe the men that slid their hands up my thighs.
maybe its the way that i'm criticized
maybe i'm the idiot that fell for their lies
and yet you don't understand the tears in my eyes?!
it all just makes me want to cry

yeah i'm upset, but i'm not sad.
i'm angry, overwhelmed
i have been devoured whole
no hope of escape
no bright light, because it's not a tunnel...

but maybe now i understand..
maybe my therapist was right when he said
"maybe life just isn't everyone"

May it be known,
You whom giveth his all,

That this heart you seek
Does not seek yours

That the love you give
Is not given back

That the hope you hold
Will only hurt you

That the effort you put in
Has done nothing but wear you thin.

The heart you love
Still has lingering hope for another

The heart you cherish
No longer cherishes yours

The princess you seek
Does not wish to be courted
Or sit on your finest throne
As your queen

The love you deserve
Can not be found in her


So venture out and seek anew
So you may find the one right for you

You say you love me
You say you want me
You say "It'll be different"
"It won't happen again"
"Let's prove them wrong"
Its a never ending cycle,dear.

I knew it.
I knew it would happen again.
Deep down in my heart
I just knew.
So the more I let you in
The closer we got..
The more I let myself love..
It happened again.

They are protecting you from me
Because they see it too;
What I have always known.

I may be your "dream girl"
But never..
Was I ever meant
To be your soulmate
Because you deserve so much better
Than I could ever be

Again,with love,
I set you free

She wore his Champion sweater.
She wore the necklace,
Her anniversary gift.
She held close the stuffed penguin
He had since he was a child.
Next to her head,
The book he got her for her birthday.
On her feet were the slipper socks
He sent to keep her warm last winter.
Even from a distance,
He took such great care of her.
He loves her so much.
And she loves him too.
And she wishes she could do the same.

She has every reason to be happy..
But alone
She lays on her bed
In tears
A hollow shell of who she once was.
Faking a smile for him.
Surviving for him.
Struggling through each day for him.
Eating only for him.

She's no longer in a dark place,
As she once was.
But...

Four years
Two months
Two weeks
And a day or two
Thats how long its been
Maybe, truly,it hasnt been very long,
But I miss you.
A short forever of sad and empty days
That makes me cry
The way orphans with memories do

To you,I write,
But its never meant to be read to you
To you I am dedicated,
Though you are gone
I'm grown up now;I had to quickly
Because when you died
I hadn't a shoulder to cry on.

I never let you see
  But your illness was a burden to me
And your death
Was also the death of me

My clothing is dark now
I'm much thinner now
And I havent moved on
But I'm happier now

Your little girl is doing okay
At least thats what she'll always say..
Its what she's been saying

She went into theatre
Because she can put on an act!
That smile you loved,
Now just a mask!
But she says she's okay;
Its what she's supposed to say,
To whomever may ask.

Another sip
Alcohol dipped
Dead roses on my wall

Crumbling world
Under my feet
Has me feeling so small

Heart is shattered
My clothes tattered
I give up,**** it all

●○●○●

Used to be a bright bloom
Now only gloom
Where joy use to freely roam

Flower
Now slowly wilting
Misses the days of old

Days are so dark
Unrelenting
No longer she
Brave and bright and bold

○●○●○

Love was she
And she made people crazy

Their hearts unfurled
Their head afloat
Happiest beings in the world

Together two planted the seed
Thus she would soon begin to grow
She could be immortal
But how so
Honestly not many know

○○○○○

The girl who was always left.
Left out.
Left behind.
Left feeling unwanted.

She had so much love to give,
But was it too much
Or was it not good enough?

•••••
Alone.
Alone in her room she sat
A bottle in her hand
Staring at her collection

"Another sip
Alcohol dipped
Dead roses on my wall..."

Scabbed scalp
Broken glasses
Scratches
Bruises
And missing hair patches

You yelled
Screamed
Blamed me
For what was not my fault
Why wouldn't you listen?

Why instead did you
Slap me
Rip out my hair
Demonize me
Hurt me

You wouldn't let go so I
Scratched
Bit
Dug in my nails
Drew blood
Anything to get away
From you

Thank God your sister stepped in.
Thank God she saved me from you.
Thank God she put you in your place.
Thank God.
But then?
You said you wanted to apologize
But that isnt what I saw
Or maybe I was blinded
By your big glowing gaslight..

Its one thing to demonize,
To make me the monster

Its one thing to scream in my face

Its one thing to tear me down with your words

And its one thing to physically hurt me

But its a whole other thing to tell me
That you hurting me
In all those ways
Was my fault
Instead of taking responsibility
Like a ******* adult

Making your ADULT child
Absolutely TERRIFIED
To be near you?

That's your fault.

So don't give me those big sad eyes
When I tell you "don't touch me"
Or I refuse a hug

This is your fault.

So now
I'm keeping my distance
Until I recover
From what YOU did.

The dried blood on my head
The missing hair
The migraine

The eyes that hurt from crying
The voice that hurts from trying
To get you to understand
That you've punished me enough
And not just with your hands
And that what happened
Was not my fault.

..when I woke up from nightmares
Of my abusers years before
You comforted me and said
"You're safe, theyre not here anymore"
I think about it now and then
Only to realize you're wrong
You're just like them.

the hardest thing one can do
is pursue their happiness
despite the pain it may cause
the ones who love them.

is being happy worth their sadness?
will it actually make you happy?

and what happens,
once you make the choice?
what if it's all a mistake?
what if there is no going back?

then what?
what now?

"I can't imagine a life without you",
She told him.
Well, the unimaginable happened.
He left her.
She wept,
A rain so heavy for so long,
The dryest desert
Would turn to an ocean.
Long and hard, she wept for him.
She wept because she loved him.
She wept because she didn't want him to leave.
She wept because she wasn't enough.
She wept because
No matter what happened,
She could never hate him.
She loved  him
With every fiber of her being
And thought he did too.
•••
Though her heart continued to beat,
This was the day she died.

The bright sparkle that once
Lit up her eyes,
Shining from deep within her heart,
Darker than the blackest black
That day that her heart did crack.

The hope she once carried,
Turned into the heavy burden
Of knowing she would never
Love or be happy
Again.

Her heart,once so full of love,
Became the most empty
Yet most heavy
And weighed her down.
She wished
It no longer served its purpose,
For she did not want to feel again,
Nor did she want to live
Just to spend another day hurting.

Her genuine smile,
One that lit up a room,
Lighting up people within,
Had long gone,never to be seen again.
She merely faked it
So no one could see the truth.

Her laugh,
Contagious,it filled up a room.
Anyone who heard
Simply smiled and joined in.
Her laugh no longer spread joy,
She had none to give,
None to let out,
For her joy had left.

She still walked the earth,
But she wasn't quite alive.
○○○○○
Along came a boy who claimed to love her.
A friend that wanted to give her
Love
Joy
Peace
And the entire world..
He wanted to cherish her.
He wanted to heal her.

He had known no purer love
Than that from her heart..
He feared she was his last chance
At finding true love.

She had a big heart, but
It had been shattered
Left empty
Ripped out of her chest.
She was numb.
He wanted to make her feel again.

He kept persuing her
Over and over
She pushed him away
Again and again.
He was far too stubborn to stop..

But she didnt want love
Because love only leads to pain
And she wasnt ready to be hurt again
Though he promised he wouldnt.

She had nothing left to give,
Not even a smile.
Why did he want her so much?

He desperately longed for her;
Wanted to stand next to her
When the preacher read
"Until death do us part"

But Victor,
You cant have a corpse bride..

Breakdown number…. 9? 10?
I had a breakdown today.
Math will never be a subject I am great...good…. at.
I was never meant to be an accountant. I’m an artist.
Whether it be a paintbrush, a camera,my voice,my body-in the way of dance.
I’m in artist in the imagination of a reader’s my mind.
I project vibrant colors though my script,my medium, is black and white.
The color drips,rains,floods,drains,pours over,overflows.
I’m an artist of many mediums.
Math is not an art.
It is torture.
It’s a killer.
A murderer.
A thief of time and energy.
It tries to drain and conform the wild and ever growing mind of a creator.
It is one of many reasons people use art to escape.
Math is a virus.
It sickens the mind.
Makes conformity the norm.
Normal is overrated.
Normal is for those who gave up on their dreams inspired by art
Because they were told to conform
And only be society’s norm.
It puts you in a box before your casket..
Since when are you supposed to live in a box?
That’s where the dead belong.
Don’t die inside when life is meant to be lived.
Live. Don’t just “survive”
Or you will miss out on your only life.

Heart of stone.
Living
Within the corpse of a tree,
I mark my path.
One that can be
Removed.
Can completely vanish.
Can be
Rearranged.
I do what many can't;
I can change the past.
I can create
An alternate reality.
Words.
Pictures.
A humble creator.
-
But they use me.
They hurt me.
They break me.
They take me within their grasp,
Taking advantage of me;
My power of creation.
Using every bit of me they can..
-
Together, we write history
We rewrite it.
We change it.
We create a new future.
Hopes.
Dreams.
Beliefs.
I make it happen.
I store the memories
Of ones having come true.
I create.
But I keep memories
Tragedies.
Fantasies.
Rhythmic word.
All me.
-
But there is another.
One who is used,
Gifted with more control.
And over me,
They have picked this entity
And have put me down.
No longer needed.
No longer in use.
It is then I realized
I missed the abuse.

"Why did I ever
choose to fall in love?",
He asked her.

Without hesitation,
She showed him a glimmering piece of her own broken heart.

"Love isnt something we choose.
We miss a step,
Lose our footing,
And we're happy.
Falling for....
Who knows how long...
And then we get hurt.
But between the edge of the cliff
And the terrible fate below
Is such a wonderful experience
That takes you
Into such a warm embrace..
Until it..lets go.
..At least,
Thats how I see it"

And he who listened,
With a heart just as sore,
Knew she was right
Because she spoke from her heart.

"A quite painful endeavor,
Once you land",
He remarked.
All she could do was nod.
"I keep longing for that connection or love but I know it isnt going to come",
Left his lips suddenly.
"It will in its own time...
If you let it"