Like a gunshot in the temple.
I wish.

A spike
It's like a large spike
Ripping through my brain tissue.
It slowly twists farther.
And farther.
And farther.
Unending excruciating pain.
As it twists
More spikes sprout and stretch.
They stretch farther and farther
As the spike continues to drill
In my head.
It goes on for hours.

My vision slowly begins to blur
And darken.
My body begins to shake.
My bones creak.
My legs give out.
My eyes close.
I don't remember anything else...

I walk down the street.
I see the sun through the trees,
As the beams flow through perfectly.
And it reminds me of you.
The clouds come together.
Heavy, yet lighter than any feather.
It becomes a darker day
None of the clouds ever look the same.
It reminds me of you.
As the clouds come together
And the sun disappears,
And the rain comes,
A song I've longed to hear
And I wish you were near...
Because it reminds me of you.
As it hits my face and washes away all the pain,
The fresh scent fills the air and The ground, it stains
But our memories remain
Soaked by the rain.
And it's not just you.
It reminds me of us, and I hope you feel it too.

At night, the blankets hold
Me close and keep me warm,
But it's not the same.
I lay my head on the pillow
Like I did on your chest.
It's not the same.
I keep checking my phone
I don't see your name.
In person, I occasionally
See your face..
But it's just not the same.

I touch my skin.
I remember the way you would gently caress it as a habit.
I feel tiredness in my eyes.
I remember how you would keep getting lost in the deep
Mix of blues
And didn't want to know
The way out.
I touch my face.
I remember how you used
To say how adorable I was
And that you think I'm perfect.
I touch my lips.
I remember your soft, passionate kisses that meant everything.
I pop my tired joints.
They still creak and snap.
I pop my knuckles.
I remember how you used to stroke my knuckles gently.
Another cute habit of yours.

I remember that,
When you hold me close,
I no longer feel broken.
I remember that,
When we kiss,
Time stops.
The world becomes silent.
Nothing matters.

I can't stop thinking about
You.
Us.
Everything.

Everywhere I look.
Everything I see.
It all
Reminds Me Of You.

*** ***
Two beats, then four.
My heart is pounding more and more
As you walk through the door and
My stomach falls through the floor.
*** ***
Four beats, eight
Soon it will be too late
For there's red on my skin
And only ice on my plate.
The sight of my bones and people again see what they ate.
Nothing will help at this rate.
*** ***
My bones are brittle.
I'm eating very little.
Of it all, I'm stuck in the middle.
Suddenly I feel so little,
Like the body fat in my middle.
This was never for approval.
Just me wanting a self-removal.
To just press delete
Would be easy, bittersweet.
The end is just what I want to meet.
*** ***.
My heart continues to beat.
I want it to stop.
Why?
Take a seat.
It all started when I was very small.
I was quiet, shy, and hardly spoke at all.
Even then I could feel it.
I knew I was different,
But didn't know why.
Couldn't ask because I was too shy.
Couldn't tell me this was fake at all.
I could feel the sadness in my stomach like a ball
That was 5 foot tall.
*** ***
Since then, it kept going on.
I had to stay strong
For far too long.
I can't take it anymore so I rip my heart out and throw it on the floor
Out the door
To you because I feel like you could use it more
Than I

Why me?
When you can have the prettiest fish in the sea?
Why me?
When you can have someone who walks through life confidently?
Why me?
When you can have a girl who thinks of herself as pretty?
Why me?
When you can have someone who isn't broken mentally?
Why me?
Why cuddle with a thin bag of bones?
Why kiss the place my demons live?
Why try to water a dead flower?
Because you have hope?
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I'm like this.
I'm sorry.
You don't deserve this.
I don't deserve you.
Your love, I deeply cherish,
but I'm not worthy of it.
What did I do to deserve your unconditional love?
Why Me?

Images racing.
Thoughts ringing in my skull.
Head pounding with voices that refuse to leave.
My eyelids try to close, but they're ripped back open.
I can't sleep!
I wish this was all just a dream.
I wish I could wake up.
The thoughts and voices they terrify me.
They keep me awake.
They say things.
Things like
"Either many restless nights or one eternal sleep"...
And I've never been so tired.
Bullet-sized sleeping pills.
That's all I see.
Someone save me.
Please.
I don't think I can take it anymore.

I'm too tired to sleep.
My eyes want to close.
I'm wide awake.
There's not much more that I can take.
I don't talk about it for everyone else's sake,
But it consumes me like a large snake.
I wish it was fake.

It makes me push people away.
Many times they don't fight to stay.
The voices in my mind, they made me this way.

Eventually, I become exhausted.
I become worn out by all of the
Buzzing in my head,
Finally, I fall into a deep sleep.

The sun rises.
I have to drag myself from the sheets and
Blankets that held me, prisoner.
I fake a smile and
Go through the motions.
The vicious cycle always repeats.
It never ends.