Maybe I need to write about it maybe I need to talk about it maybe I need to take a breath and breathe for second stop choking for a second chill out and breathe and inhale and maybe smoke just a **** just twitch to itch my itch I’m acting like a *****
That’s what started this anyway
Breaking girl code I’m alone I’m in my car thinking I’ll head to a bar maybe the Starbucks stoop drive past my old group write a poem or two alone screaming of you under the lights with the bugs down the way from all the places we used to stay and smoke blunts hit joints argue **** mock me mock sred turn her backwords smoking backwoods what’d you put in my herb your conspiracy’s in my head
Play pool scream at me hit on my friends **** me don’t call for help it’s all fun and games tell me you want to **** my mind it’s all lies it’s all lies tell me why this devil has got my tongue tell me what are you this vampire you’ve come to steal me of it all my whole mind my whole soul not even my hairs no more I can’t dance I can’t sing the better half of me is terrified of life and why because I let you take advantage of me my things your life is a blowtorch to all good beings I’ll make you regret everything you’ve ever done I’ve tried to show you love you can’t see you’re disgusting the way you kissed my cheek when you head butted me I’m done
But I call a ***** on her **** and I’m wrong thought I lost my best friend for awhile for white feminism **** but I’m still a ***** a snitch I’m losing all my **** I’m spiraling into  too nice of women undeserving of their friendship I owe my gs everything
But I can’t seem to do a thing

I change like the leaves on the trees.
Some dead and broken shattered
Dry and died gonna get stepped on and crushed fully back to dust.

How I'm feeling, not speaking.
Gut feelings and Silence is my shame

Can't shake these feelings, tis the season.

For my thoughts fill up the grave.
I thought I could forget my name. I just want some better days. I've been pushing that way, but I've fallen back again. I'm down against the grass and I climb up a few steps. Now I'm begging.

Friends come back to me.
It's the love I need.
The bond.
The friendship.

Smirking because I know better.
I know how to act and feel.
I let myself get in the way.

I fall and fall again. I see my broken pieces.
I see my lacks and slacks of existing.

Sharpen my edges and I'm back again.
Reminded of my power and my friends in loneliness.
Now I sit under the moon.
It's changed its side against the brick.
Too lukewarm inside my body. Too brisk against my skin. The feel of fall is old to me but how I've come to learn its beginnings

I'm not trying to say I did nothing wrong
I'm just trying my best to be moving on
I feel weights that are lifted and I'm holding them high
I realize my power
I am a part of the sky
No movement is wasted
Not even my hair in the wind
Everything everywhere has a connection
They say God is to blame
God be the blessing
God have mercy on us for we are nothing
But they don't see that God is with us
We are to blame
We are blessings be
We must have mercy on everything
You see something wrong?
Don't just pray
Be the change
Tell everyone what is wrong
Use your voice and speak out against it
If you're only thinking and praying do you really think there will be changes?
The thought is something
The intention better
But what really matters are the actions that you're putting out there
If its all in your head then does it really matter to anyone but yourself?
If I write out all my sins, if I count them all up
If I repent and repent and never change my faults
Then am I truly forgiven?
Can I convince myself that I am?
If I understand my sin, I can justify it, right?
Its the logic that saves us, right?
Its the left brain, the reasoning, right?
But what if I'm a sinner?
What if I can never do enough good?
Not helping enough no
Not loving enough no
If I try to do more
Will my sinning ways stop?
Will I be able to,
No matter how much good I do,
Will I ever get out of the dark?

Who are you in my history?
Have you truly saved my soul?
Or is your legacy fake?
Your messages hold such truth I hold dear.
But your followers can be such sinners, and that makes me wonder...
Is it all about the money with the Catholic church?
Is it all about power and forcing others to convert?
I have so many questions.
I don't know if they're heard.
I send prayers and thoughts out into the world,
But is it your name I should call?
What of the others?

What the **** was that?
Did I go crazy for a second?
Did Joey B really take my soul or possess my heart?
Did he **** my mind or maybe did he take it apart?

I'll go with the later. He's an intellectual. He did what he could to steal it all. I don't know why I thought I could hold up against his manipulation. I'm strong-hearted, strong willed. I know now that it's not my love that could save his soul. At the same time it is, because my love is a part of all love. I should have known that if he could withstand it all, I stood no chance.
I know I care too much. I have no power to save. I can heal myself, maybe others too but I can't be their change. They have to choose for themselves. I've known that too. I guess to truly learn I had to face it head on.

But lessons learned, now I am living for me. I'm living for my destiny. What that is? Still learning. I know I am to serve. Serve me, myself, and others because that is what we deserve. Though now I know I must serve with protection. All love. Still open. My heart is saved for those like-minded. We must join together and that is how we save lives. I dabbled in lust and temptation for the last time. I will still make mistakes. Imperfection is our lives. Nothing ever again of such magnitude. Never again will I allow myself to be so tainted. Never again will I see others in such a situation. I know others I can't change but I will offer my lending hand.

JB was on my mind
Too many times
Everything he ever talked about
Became my walk my talk
My singing and shouts

I knew from the start that it would have an end.
I can't ever seem to get used to these new beginnings.

I fell into manipulation
I'm recovering
Trying and recycling...
Recovering

My old and new beliefs
The old and new me
Trying to become
What I've always
Been
Seeker of light
Prayer of health
Child of God
Teacher
People pleaser

_


He she won't be ANY GOD TO ME
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING ANYMORE
HELP ME
LORD HELP ME
LORD HELP ME
Father Father help me

Write me better
Color me everything
Paint me neon and glow in the dark purple

Foolish me
Wasteful too
Trying again to not be blue
Force myself suggest you do too
But if we can't then redo redo...

Galaxy Angel Starship
Shikamaru Soloman
I can't name my cat
I can't do anything
Can't eat, just sleep
Dream of nothing and everything at once

Whats that?
You too?
In this circle of dust and dreaming blue?
I can't imagine without imagining you?

Calm, serene
Life to being, wife of me and
No stumbling or worrying
Just straight forward thinking

Here is to good health
Mental and physical
Here is to good friends
The kind that give back
Here is to dreams
Filled with wonder and good vibes
Here is to a new lifetime
Of my own self independence
Of money and happiness
Here is to accepting my faults as strengths
Here is to me!

Burnt my tongue on some free coffee
Writing with a borrowed pen after
Smoking a cigarette
Lit with some complimentary Boston Stoker matches after
Walking across Centerville
Down Miller Farm Lane
To 725
Up Paragon
To unfamiliar roads and then
Back to familiarity
And now
Here I sit
As
Unfamiliar as I could possibly feel
But at the same time
Feeling the sense of home
Because I know I've been here before
God wish me luck

Long winding
Lost roads
Dead dog
Or maybe mountain lion
(**** roadkill)
Car stopped in the middle of the road
Woman drove off the side of the road
(with the ******* pigs)
Gas station stops
No service area
Keeping me on long winding lost roads!

Now there
Misty fog
Hot steam
As I baptize with bubbles
In this hot tub at Grand Haven
A locked cabin
Enjoyed for a time by myself
Alone.

What are we doing out here
In the wild wild west
Are you showing me something
Or are we here to rest
We've traveled a long road
But I'm not ready to settle yet

Spider crawling up my arm one day
Blood on my quilt the next
Blood splot on the bathroom floor
Hair chopped off
Cut my finger
Cut that ****

Third eye minds eye know you can open it
**** nugs nudging you toward it
Chugging fluoride gotta know its blocking it

Depression crippling lazy thinking I'm not getting anywhere anymore
Dated a slick-back sexist slug of a human
He haunts me in my dreams
I'm trying to dream big dream of everything
But his face shows me where I've been
His hands done healing flex ****** veins, stop stealing!
His mom sewing his mistakes back together again, stop helping!
His dad fueling the fire again at home, stop procreating!
Its not the job of a lover to raise your significant other
Its not my job to shower you with everything I have day after ******* day when all I get in return is leftover pizza and a sore ******
-SOME PEOPLE DON'T KNOW HOW TO LOVE
IT IS NOT ON YOU TO SHOW THEM HOW
SOME WILL TRY OUT THE MOTIONS WITH OTHER MOTIVATIONS IN MIND
BUT LOVE IS NOT JUST AN ACTION IT IS TRULY A LIFESTYLE
Without love I would be dead
Fill
With intention
Else you're dead
Living isn't that easy
Same struggles every day
Being healthy isn't that easy
Definitely more expensive that way
Being human isn't that easy
Hunting my own spirit day after day

Not wanting
Feeling bad
Not supporting
But loving

I have something to say god ******
And don't dare tell me its just the drugs
We need to start questioning what love is
The lack of it is ******* stuff up
I'm high right now if you didn't know it
If I was sober would the words still come out

You say you love me but you don't support it
But how can you love if you don't understand it
Love is unconditional
Love is support

How are you loving when you try to change it
There is no fixing my humanity
You don't know what makes me happy
No one can be trusted

Love

Choice

Choosing

To be loved

I couldn't sleep because I was thinking about two things
One was lust and one was living
Both contained thoughts of you
But when I realized again it was all in my head
Then my thoughts again became of dying
I want it painful
I want to enjoy it
I want to feel something worse than what I've felt
The constant rejection of everyone I've ever loved
Has pushed me to the brinks
Its why I gave in to the devil I think
If I'm not good enough for anyone
If I'm not even close to something you would want
Then why am I even trying because all I want is the love I give out
If I'm meant to be alone I gotta know
If I'm meant for no one I won't mind
I'm not sure my place in the world but I hope to always be by someone's side
If not I gotta figure it out soon
Start a new spiritual journey
To the depths of my soul's existence
Figure out where I'm called and what I'm supposed to do
Will it even really matter?
Will I be able to make a change?
I must stop the Devil's work against us
Add some love to the world before I hit the grave
I hope it's not all for nothing
And I hope I find my mate

Its been awhile since we've talked
Close companions are hard to come by
These handshakes new people they're not enough
Love bites from my cat help it out but still ain't no touch
Like your hands I used to write about
So firm and strong you could have made me danced
And to be fair maybe I never gave you the chance
Maybe I'm just wishing on what could have been
That life was fun but it's gone
I was born again
Right now I'm just seeking for some friends
To put me back on my feet
Its been awhile for such a feat
Been caught Falling into the Earth for awhile now
Got a lot of stones to bring my soul back to me
Ground me here for the next year to be

Throat chakra ******* blocked
Happiness set back
Marijuana is in
Me pushing
For something

Alcohol on the brink of my lips!
Let me ******* breathe.
Let me take a ******* break.
Let me sink into a ******* hole.
Let me fly out of the ******* sky-
FREE ME!
FREE ME!
FREE ME!

Paranoia is on set
******* slenderman or saints
I can't be soothed!
I can't be stopped!

I was made for greatness
I was made for better than this
My heart beats with the power of our people
Thumping with thoughts from ancestors
I ******* feel it
What the **** am I feeling?
Let it out!
Let it out!
Let it out!
*******...
Let.
It.
Go.
****!

Use me
Feel me
FEEL ME

Borders untouched
Inlands unkempt
Swirling clouds of unstoppable chaos
Raining down with compassionate entities

They say welcome
We say
Welcome
Welcome
Welcome
They sing it
We scream it

We breathe everything into existence
They say its about time
You have been here before
You have been lost
But you are here now
Welcome home

We are high
We are low
We are falling and flying
and feeling and *******
Making some kind of use
In this physical
*******
LIFE

(Cant go there anymore
Cut off
Cut back
GET OUT OF MY HEAD
OUTTA MY MIND)

I used to know things about people, it was all too easy for me to figure them out.

I used to dread the day when I had found out I've failed, when I couldn't save someone. Strange or depressing as it may seem, I'm glad I haven't had to attend all the funerals I tried to prepare myself for.

I used to know if someone had ever been touched wrongly. Unwillingly. How far past their "no's" were gotten. I can't do that anymore, I don't know how to help anymore.

I used to cry at all the pain, I used to sob myself to sleep. These days I try anything just to feel a single tear on my cheek.

I used to hear things without finding or ever questioning the source. I used to sing out my struggles to the sounds I heard while crying on my backyard's swing set. I still hear it sometimes, but maybe that's just my imagination.

My mom told me I used to see angels.  All I can remember was being scared of the footprints on my ceiling. Maybe they were angels, maybe they were demons. Maybe they were just early signs of schizophrenia.

Was all of that just preparation?
Was it all just a coincidence?
Is this real? Is it God's work? Is it fate?
Do I believe in any of that anymore???

Who knew that a conversation over cigarettes with you would leave me so confused.

Is our craziness compatible, like taking a drug together and having the same trip?
Or maybe we're gifted with seeing things for how they really are.

Or maybe its just you.
Maybe I'm lost forever.

I need to walk your path.

I heard sounds in the woods with you
But was it the same music?
Do we share the same insanity?

Tell me if its a blessing or a curse.
Tell me if its worth all the pain.
Tell me if I can handle it... if I won't **** myself first.
Does the light in everything outweigh the darkness?  
Tell me what you think about souls now.
Does everything live forever?
Can you still see their light if they're dead?
Tell me what you feel.
Tell me what you know now.
I want your truths.

This has to be real.

My world has been flipped and turned inside out.

But finally, for once, I think everything makes sense.

I am frustrated.
I am at fault.
I am not at fault.
I am trying but
I am wasting away.
I push forward
But you push back.

And I am so confused
Together? Apart? What do we do?
Place blame
Take blame
Ignore the fact that it happened?
Continue forward
Move on
But together or separate?

What is deserved?
My wallet
My livelihood
My cigarettes and gas money?
My heart
My feelings
My emotions
My body?

Push it to the limits
But what for? For us? For you? Is it worth it?
For you. For this.
Why?
Your worth?
Your heart and mind and soul?
Can we make it
Or will we break?