The difference in my poetry
and my reality
Is that I write when I'm angry
In reality I'm not as angry as I sound.

A lot of **** has been on my mind.
Aside from how much I hate Christmas
I'm focused on making money.
And detoxing
Quiting drinking
Quoting smoking
The fact that I have to end a friendship because she chooses not to respect me, my wishes and our relationship and my girlfriend.
It ***** but that's okay.
But what honestly hurts me the most
Is that, I don't think my girlfriend cares about how I feel.
Sure, last night she talked me through a lot of **** I needed to talk about.
But I feel like I can't talk to her about the way she hurts me sometimes.
She'd never hit me.
She'd never do anything that would make me completely submissive
however
If she feels like she's not in control of her choices she's
obstinate
Unwavering.
I respect it.
It just hurts sometimes.
she talks to her ex boyfriend.
It's not wrong.
Well it wouldn't be if it wasn't the same guy she left me for
The same guy she said
"Well, I just want to see if he's what I want."
And when he wasn't, at least I was still waiting.
The same guy that would lose intresf in her whenever she'd leave me for him.
I'm hurting and my self esteem is **** because of this.
He invited her to go play manhunt and I'm positive had I not been with her that night she would have Humored him at first then gone when she realized it sounded like fun.
The only reason I'm so sure
Is because she told me that she told him next time she'd be down to play.
She thinks "Alex texted me today and tried to make plans but I turned him down so I could be with you"
Or
"I only hug him up for bud"
excuses talking to him.
Man, I feel ******* worthless.
All I know is that I'm over it.
I'm over hearing his name
And knowing he talks to her and she lets it happen
because
Because
Because
Because why?
What makes hearing from him
More important than actually setting me at ease.
Does she not care?
Do I even matter?
I feel like I'm worthless these days
As shallow as it sounds
Making money is the only thing that's helping my self esteem.
I don't even like money.

My head is a shroud
I am oblong silhouettes
Ambiguity

To be fair and frank
I never truly addressed
The fact that you are no longer my friend.
You are not even a shell
of the person you once were.


I remember long ago
When I would see you in class you were the person I would partner up with.
We would talk incessantly
And had to be sepperated
I remember the birthday parties you attended
I remember the time I farted next to you and stood up to which you replied

"The smell floats"

I still chuckle at this.
I remember the one night I spent at your house.

I remember it all.

This person is dead.

I no longer think of you as a man

No, I can not even recognize you as a fellow human being.

You are, in fact; a worthless, shallow, selfish, disgusting thing

The level of disdain and animosity I carry towards you is rivaled only by the love I carry for the woman you so stupidly chose not to nurture and love properly.

You aren't worth words strung together in the beautiful way I would for the end of a honest friendship.

No
No
No

You are exactly like the songwriter in the band your knife tattoo is from.

****

You're the **** you skim off of soups with fatty meats because its very existence is actually detrimental to its surroundings.

I truly ******* hate you,

If I could do it legally

I would

Personally

Erase

you

The fact that you contact the person I love
Turns my mother ******* stomach,
Sickens me to blind rage.

You love, so fondly, playing mr. Steal-your-girl.
Try it again and I swear to whatever the ever loving God you may believe in.
That you will feel how much stronger I am than I was the night we wrestled twelve years ago.
It's not a threat.
It
Will
Happen.

I hope you die In The most gruesome way allowed by the universe.

-Sqid

I'm terrified of the fall
Physically
Mentally
Emotionally
So it's hard for me to flap my wings
I'm a creature of the land
Of the sea
My emotions are something like a sheer mountain.
No peak
Only a plateau
I climb with my eyes on the sky
Reach the level earth
And make the mistake of looking down.
And my body follows my gaze.
Indefinitely.

I'm cold
I mean that literally.
Figuratively, I'm growing cold.
I'm staring at this Christmas tree.
Christmas tree
O,
Christmas tree.
I ******* hate you Christmas tree
It reminds me that I'm from a broken home.
Chances are pretty high I'll spend Christmas alone.
My brother and sisters area state away in a house of their own.
With their mother
With their step father.
My mother will be flying around the world again.
Not that I want to spend this ****** holiday with her.
I don't hate her
I'd just rather not spend a day I'm going to be at the peak of my depression being lectured.
My dad, I don't know what he's going to be up to.
I'll see my fiancé when I can.
She promised that she'd spend Christmas Eve with her and that implied Christmas Day.
I was promptly told I was to be excluded from this.
I'm probably going to drink.
I'm so broken around this time of year.
Because when you spend your least favorite holiday alone  while everyone you know is living life with "Christmas cheer" it makes you want to be dead. What's the point in family holidays when you don't have a family to share it with.
Bottoms up
Happy holidays.

I'm in the wild
Though I haven't left my bed.
I'm in the wild
I'm trapped inside my head
I'm in the wild

My name is now squid
So you should get used to it
Because I said so

A single moment in this room, side by side
I find myself lost in your beautiful voice
Like the moon your voice could draw the sea's tides
I shall listen to you sing; this, is my choice

Sweatpants and a tee-shirt are all you need
For simply your energy creates a light
Never lose your luster; this I will plead
For its shine will follow you into night

Your skill in the arts could never be matched
Pen and pad, brush and easel, stringing letters
To your skills, my dear, I have become attached
Your voice, your hands; both as light as as feathers

You could lead me into the fires of hell
For you are the one that makes my heart swell

I'm a squid,
I've mentioned it before in a poem
As we sit side by side
I can feel my tentacles,
Invisible to the eye,
Wrapping around you.
You probably can't feel the suckers against your back and side.
You sit singing whilst you draw
I'm also drawing.
Drawing you closer to me.
Closer to my heart
closer to my love.
I'm a squid
I'm a squid in love
I love you so
I won't let you go.

I'm freaking, the **** out.
It's the first really bad panic attack
I've had in a while.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Maybe I'm just way, too, paranoid about this.
You said I have no reason to worry
I need to accept that
But swallowing a saw blade seems easier.
I trust you,
I'm just scared
And today
Waking up when you weren't there
Finding you in the bathroom
Going back to bed and waiting
Just to have you leave
after being back for five minutes
and be gone for what felt like years.
I wish I wasn't so clingy in the morning
****
I'm really not okay.
I have to work in thirty minutes.
Leave in twenty
And calm myself down in ten.
Take me back to 3:10
Take me back to reclining into you
Take me back to listening to music
I'm too inside my head
I'm too inside my head.
I'm way too inside my head.
Save me,
please,
Save me.

Sunsets come at four
With the fading of days warmth
My head is at ease.

I'm twenty-one, I don't really know what I'm doing.
I have direction, I'm pointed the way I want my life to go.
I know life has its twists and turns, that worries me.
The future is beautiful in black,
So that's what it typically wears.
I don't know what it holds, no one does.
I want to know in all seriousness where all the giant squids are.
Because some days that's how I feel.
I'm a big-*** squid in a very shallow pond.
Most days however, I feel like a cat
If I were an actual cat; what color would I be?
Not that it matters.
I bet I'd be a short-haired cat.
Would my cat eat squid?
How can I break my addiction to anime, caffiene, nicotine, and jumping to conclusions?
What would nine year old me do if he found out that in twelve years his best friend would be the only person he hates?
What do you, the reader, think I am?
Am I man?
Or
Am I beast?
What does she see in me?
Why does it feel like I'm always looking into a mirror after a long hot shower?
You know;
When the glass is covered with condensation,
Why am I so afraid to go back to school?
What do I even want to do?
How can I change the people around me?
How do I keep those I hold dear smiling?
I swear I'm happy; trust that I would never lie about that.
I'm just so lost.
Dr. Pepper tastes so good but it reminds me of my old poetry.
Who knows what will happen in ten years, two days, three hours, fifteen minutes and twenty-six seconds?
More over, who gives a ****?
Perhaps this is just my quarter life crisis.

I've been neglecting my poetry,
Rather,
I've been neglecting my desire to write.
I'm not in so melancholy mindset,
Not being swallowed by my sullen thoughts.
I'm just at a point where I'm having, too much, fun.
I have had a zillion and three fleeting thoughts but that's neither here nor there.
What I'm saying is, hellopoetry, I'm doing okay.
So don't worry.

Sing another song
My acapella princess
Sing me into sleep.

This week has been great;
I will keep the streak going.
I am in control.

The world is so peaceful these days,
Maybe it's just me,
Maybe because I'm not wandering aimlessly through downtown San Diego,
I don't really know.
This town is so small.
I don't dislike it,
But I'm far from liking it enough to stay.
I know this complacency stems from you.
I will uproot this bud and transplant it 2572 miles South-West.
Maybe then I won't feel like I'm going to start to love this small town, too, soon.

To be honest, I've never felt more alone
Sleeping on the floor every night isn't fun
Missing your company, not out of habit,
but out of the fact that I love being with you
I can't cry here, I'll be judged and have my feeling invalidated
I love this city but if home is where your heart is,
Then mine is two-thousand five-hundred-seventy-two miles East
I can't call you while I'm inside the house because I'll be chastised
I heard your voice for the first time in weeks
I sat in the parking lot and cried for an hour.
I'm tempted to buy a ticket home
I'm tempted to give up
I'm tempted but I can't,
I'm tempted but I'm scared.
At this rate, I'll end up dying in this city
At my own hand.

I should swallow my pride and ask to come home
But I'm terrified to choke on my self doubt.

I'm getting to the point where I'm only tired on public transportation
I'm restless at Paige's
I'm desperately looking for a job so I can get away from the "enlightened"
The way it's preached here it would give west burrow baptist a run for their money
My anxiety won't be cured by your zen.
Go **** yourself you hippie poser

I'm sitting on the three blankets and pillow, I've been allotted to sleep on.
I'm listening to the song I always do for these mind cleansings
In the background, further still, my roommate talks to her friend; loudly, I might add.
I have a lot on my mind and no one to talk to.
I'm quiet here, anytime I speak I'm generally ignored.
For the most part that's fine.
My anxiety has been really bad as of late.
So has my nicotine addiction.
No matter what I say or do,
I can't pull myself out of this rut.
I've been going on walks
Two days ago, it was three or four miles
Yesterday it was five or six
Today, I walked at least six
I'm not really keeping track.
I'm not letting myself think.
I'm not allowed to.
"You're affecting everyone in the house."
I wonder if you thought about how much that hurt me.
I doubt it.
I'm not wallowing in self pity so much as emptying my head.
I quietly sit,
No one has similar interests as me.
I watch anime when I'm bored
Or sleep.
I think the epitome to how lonely I am here is the playing chess alone.
I haven't had an intelligent conversation
Well, since Ken and I discussed the black hole theories on time slowing and wormholes
A week ago.
I can't joke the way I do without hurting someone's feelings or being too obscene.
I'm lonely
Very lonely.
If this were a game of house,
I'd be the dog.
I want a job so I can move out.
So I can make friends.
I want to go hang out downtown with people who want to talk to me.
Who don't make me feel like **** for getting in my slumps.
I want to be around people who won't tell me that I'm not allowed to be negative
only to immediately counteract that with hypocrisy saying
"only were allowed to be negative."
I'm fluxing between three and four cigarettes a day.
I'm not allowed to wear my safety hat because it's negative
I'm not allowed to listen to "negative" music.
I have more rules here then I did living in my dad's basement.
"The grass is always greener"
Honestly, I knew it would be like this.
It's still better than being emotionally abused.
Well, romantically anyway.
I'm tired.
I'm tired.
Physically
Emotionally
Mentally
And I'm getting fed up.
Honestly,
the only thing that keeps me from commiting suicide right now is seeing an new city.
Not my friends
Just the sites
Everyone back home has forgotten me
Everyone here acts like I'm not.
I don't fit in anywhere.
I'm immersed in my reading, anime and poetry.
No one understands. I ******* hate being inside my head.
I ******* hate this.
I ******* hate me.
But I'll never say a word.
Because if I talk,
I'll be scolded for ******* feeling.

I get it, my depression is, too, much for you all.
Let me get something straight.
I don't really give a **** how my depression makes you feel.
I don't give a **** that you think you're helping
You and your metaphysical ******* does nothing for me.
Don't tell me to meditate.
Don't tell me that you are here for me
You're white knight act is more of a lie then you'll be there when I need you.
I'm ******* fine.

For my twenty-first birthday all I want is to drink alone.
I want to sip my sorrow
I want to slip away and walk the streets drunk
I want to sing modern baseball.

I'm not having fun,
My word is hushed just as fast as it was back home.
I am quiet
I listen endlessly
I respond when asked.
My depression has me by my throat.
I want to explore my new home.
I'm tired of sitting in a house that's hotter than it is outside
I'm tired of falling asleep because I'm bored
I hate this.
I miss the stars
I miss late night walks with my friends
I hate that to occupy my time here all I do is smoke *** and play video games
I hate that my only friends here don't really talk to me.
I'm talked at, expected to listen.
When I have a chance to speak,
When my words are worth hearing
My sadness, my disparity, my bitter loneliness
Becomes a spring board to why they're unhappy
Becomes a reason to tell me my ego is the reason I'm sad
If I killed myself, they'd be legitimately confused
"He seemed happy"

The only God that seems to exist
On the cold these Passing nights
Is the loneliness
I swore it wouldn't drive me to think

I'm not bitter.
But as I lay staring at my ceiling
I wonder what the **** I'm doing
Because I have no clue

I am collapsing under the weight of my past
I'm moving across the country for what
I don't even know why I'm still drawing breath.
**** everything man

Your writing is far too beautiful to ruin with liquor

You, are like dust that has settled in a fine layer on an undisturbed surface
I am that surface.
There is no breeze in this house,
No pesky humans clearing away clutter
No inward traffic to move you from me.
Nothing has changed
Nothing will change
In a weeks time I'll be flying again
In a weeks time I'll be listening to "maps"
In a weeks time I'll be wishing I'd stayed.
The city I'm leaving for is the only thing waiting for me
But in my head, no one is cleaning
But in my head, no one is wandering
But in my head, memories of you are falling over me like dust.
You are dust
I am your surface.
There is no breeze in this house
No pesky humans clearing away clutter
No inward traffic to move you from me.
You are dust
I am a surface.
I am your surface
so rest here comfortably.

The world is vastly different when I look at everything objectively.
You and I were more than you'll ever truly understand.
You were the blue fairy
I was Pinocchio
I simply wanted to understand what it means to be a "real boy"
In the end,
I was returned to the puppeteer
In the end,
I couldn't feel for long
In the end,
My disease is my sin.
For a while I forgot I was broken.
For a while I felt real.
For a while

I'm fighting tears
like
the knights of lore fought dragons
I'm a turret of emotions
The demons under my bed
are reaching up and holding me by my throat as I sleep
Forcing me to dream of the good days of old
Forcing me to face my fears for the future
I wander the streets late at night
A slight limp from the broken bone in my foot.
I'm self destructive
Why would I let myself heal
when I know I'm hurting everyone I love.
I can't breathe again.
The ball and chain on my ankle is cutting deep.
The white noise I found an escape in isn't enough anymore
The voices are coming back.
My border line personality disorder
is burning bridges
While I desperately drag my past as I try and ***** the flames.
I'm reaching for buckets of water
But dumping gasoline
Burn, baby, burn

I've never been one to much like goodbyes.
Today I saw two of my best friends for,
what will most likely be,
the last time outside of work.
We didn't speak of missing one another
we simply continued existing, the three of us.
I've said more goodbyes than I care to.
To people whom I've loved deeply.
My comfortable life is shattering.
I'm leaving my heart in Frederick
While I run to San Diego
I don't know what to do.
I don't want to say goodbye to you.
I don't want to say goodbye to you
I want to stay home, in bed,
and
talk about the things we disagree about
I want to stay home, in bed,
And
Call out of work to cuddle
I want to stay home, in bed.
I want to keep calling this dead end city home.

It's bittersweet,
Visiting all the places that make this small town my home.
The sushi place I went with coworkers every Monday.
The parking deck that I lost my virginity in.
The creek I swore to myself I'd one day jump over.
Baker park, where I first did all the flips I know.
It's bittersweet knowing that in a few weeks I'll no longer be here to watch my home town grow.
It's bittersweet
Bittersweet.
Bittersweet.

I'm getting to the point where "lost" isn't even close to enough to explain where I am mentally. I know what I need and from now on I have to listen to my head over my heart. More often then not I find myself pacing and I remember how much my ex-fiancées mom hated when I paced or how much it stresses me out. I need to escape. I need an escape from my head and writing seems like it's going to stab me in the hand. My random bursting into tears are happening more often. No one seems to care. Who am I ******* kidding. No one knows. Anyone I feel like I can tell, I can't.  I wish I could stay in my small town. Lead my feet with my chest and walk casually through life. But leading with my head is speeding **** up so ******* much. I had my first really bad panic attack in almost a year at the airport on my way home. I'm not okay because nothing stays the same. My head is an abusive dog owner and my heart is a puppy that can't keep up on the walk. I can't breathe. I'm freaking out again. I'm ignorant and naive.

So much is changing.

This place makes me happy
This change is a good one.
This pain in my chest is telling me not to come back
But I know that it's time for me to go.
For the first time I'm listening to my head
While my heart's ripped to shreds.

Life is more fleeting than a snapchat **** when you can't screen shot. Don't waste it trying to be a social media addict.

The sea is much too large for me to see it all.
I need to remember that feelings are like the sea.
They run deep.
They crash and become violent as the shore approaches
I'm too young to think I've felt all there is to feel.

From the douchy looking muscle men
With their ugly ankle biters
To the poser skaters trying to impress tourists
San Diego is one hell of a city to behold

I'll come and get you
I'll dip deep into the sea
I'll save you from the sea.
Hold your breath, just a bit longer.
I'm coming to get you.
I've been that deep in the sea.
I'll come get you in my submersible.

My friends don't realize;
I don't need advice
I don't need to be alone
I'm not okay.
I'm trying to reach out to them
I'm scared
I'm too suicidal to think straight.
All I want is;
For some one to listen and not speak
To just be there
To get better
To be heard
To have them reach back.
What I'll get is ignored texts and unwanted life advise.
I'm better off alone.
If I stay in my head I won't get hurt.

If I'm being whole heartedly honest,
It's not that the future is bleak
It's not that I'm overwhelmingly sad
I just don't ******* care anymore.
All the people who are "there for" me
Are only there when I place the plaster mask on my face to hide my shame.

I am analytical
I am calculating
I am the monster called realism
I am not here to be everyone's friend
I am caring
I am cold
I am ashamed of who I am
I am the beast that feeds on itself
I am terror incarnate

All I want is to inspire my siblings


But look at the mess I've become

No one gives a ****.
The only reason they'll care when I **** myself is because of the fact, they'll realize I needed them the night before, ******* scratch that. The months before. Outside of that I won't matter till I'm ******* gone.

With enough time and pressure they say coal becomes diamond.
Too bad I'm not coal
I'm under the pressure of time
And a lot of time has passed
So, it's a shame I'm not coal.