It's honestly not that I'm unhappy

It's honestly not that you're not enough

It's honestly not that I don't have fun

However,

However,

However,

The chemicals inside my head

Well,

They long for the darkness of a casket.

So

as I battle my head

As I battle my impulses

The down time I get,

The breaks in the mental war,

Please know,

I'm tired,

So

Very

Tired,

But

never

of

*you

Truth be told, I'm a pathetic lover.
I'm in love but afraid to show it.
I'm afraid that,
much like my father before me,
My love's recoil will knock me on my ***.
I lied.
I've told everyone
Who's cared to ask
That I'm the reason
my arms will be empty
and
searching for you.
I'm the reason
Your hair
will no longer
be lost in mine.
I'm the reason
Listening to the music
That we shared together
Will be so lonesome.
I love you.
I'm probably,
like
absolutely ******* colliding my dreams into the ground
But I don't give a ****.
I wrote all this alone
February 18th 2016
Hurtin'
I love you.
I'm saving up
so I can throw a hundred dollar bill
into the wishing well.
I'm staying at my moms tonight
to avoid our empty bed
for one more night
I imagine.
I imagine.
I imagine.
All we need is a bowl pack and a stiff drink.
And I can tickle your back until it doesn't hurt to think.
I miss you.
I'm sorry.
I miss you.
I'm sorry.

I miss you.

I'm sorry.


I miss you.


I'm sorry.




I miss you



I'm sorry.

It's, too, early in the day for me to be this drunk.
Work will be hell hungover
So I'll ask
Can I still get into heaven
If
I
****
Myself?

Spring hurry up
I can't wait for my pack of cigarettes
I'll keep caffeinated
I'll keep busy here
I'm tired
We're fighting
I just want my smokes
I want a drink
I'll drink until I'm tired tonight
I'll wake up hungover
I'll plaster my smile back on
Pretend I'm okay
And smoke till I puke
Why is it always sunny when I'm the saddest?

I want a kid,
I want to teach someone the way I wish I was taught.
I want to play like I'm;
Two
Five
Six
Eight
Eleven.
I want to be like my father before me.
I want to be like my father.

Rachel,
I won't tell you things will be okay.
I don't know if they will.
I don't know when you'll be able to smile your hardest,
Laugh until you ****,
Or
When you'll be able to appreciate nature how you once did.


I can
(and will to the whole-hearted and best of my ability)
however,
tell you that
You will do the things you once did.
You will.
For
when I watch you
lock yourself In the attic of your body
When I watch you
picking up the photo album
of whom you,
once again,
Would like to be.
When I watch you collapse
When I watch the subtleties
The little changes
on what would be a face of stone.
When I see them
I can tell that
the floor in that old room gave way
I know.
I know.
I know that I can't stop your decent.
I don't think
you'll be where
you
would like to be
For a while.
That's okay.
I'll hold your hand
I'll love you anyway.
Because when I look at you.
When I let my gaze drop
From my eye level
To yours.
Beyond those tired eyes.
Beyond your stressed posture.
Beyond your heart-breakingly weak smiles.
Beyond your stress.
Beyond your sorrow.
Beyond your fears.
I see you.
You.
Only you.
I see the love of my life.
I see your beauty.
I see your potential.
I see a river pebble.
I see a fierce bear
I see love
I see a fire,
though small,
burning furiously.
And just behind that fire.
I see you picking up your pain
And I see you setting it ablaze.
So yes,
Dare to disturb the universe.
So yes,
Look death in the eyes.
Befriend it.
Respect it.
And refuse it's advances.
(You don't like pushy flirts anyway)
You're strong, Rachel.
You're not trapped by some one who wants you locked away anymore.
So don't trap yourself.
It's okay to relax
It's okay to relax.
It's okay to relax.
It is okay
Relax.
You're not alone in this.
I'm here.
Watching you fight.
Waiting for you to tag me in.
I'll bruise my knuckles
I'll ****** the floor.
If it means,
That you
That you
That you
Will suffer no more.

You feel like you're ripping at the seams.
You feel like all the scary stuff
That you hid
behind those shattered glass eyes
will spill endlessly onto the floor,
make you a laughing stock,
And
Be the reason you must become a recluse.
This my dear,
Is in fact,
Untrue.
Behind the seams
You are no monster to be cast,
in a closet,
Under the bed,
Under the stairs,
In the attic
Or
In some makeshift storage space.
No
No
Behind those seams
Is a beautiful mosaic
Of the beer bottles you've shattered
Of the mirrors you've cursed to shards
Of the glasses you've cast to the floor
Behind the seams is nothing to be hidden away.
You are art.
You are;
the most beautiful,
The most intricate
The most complex
The most awe inspiring
Piece ever put together.
Yes,
Blood was shed to get you here.
Sure,
Sometimes when I try and help
To place your glass
I get cut on your sharp edges.
I do not regret taking my blood
Mixing it with your love
And
Guiding you to decide
To decide to pull the fabric,
hiding your beauty,
away
I'll be here holding seam cutters
to hand you.
I'll save a spot
Atop the mountains
In every studio
On every city street
In every single home
To display your heart.
You may feel broken
You may feel shattered
You may feel that you're worthless
But in every piece of you
that you think is meaningless
I will show you
You don't need to be who you were
To be something beautiful.

I see the ache in your eyes
I see, saw and will see it
As long as I'm by your side.
I will never know what happened behind the doors
I'm not sure if I want to.
To leave you that sense of privacy
Or
Maybe it's because me not knowing
Is the only thing keeping him alive;
Nevertheless, I have a few things to give you.
Not words of advice.
Not words to tell you in which way you should live.
Words of who you truly are.
You are as beautiful as my hair is unruly.
You are as gentle as the moons light.
You are as kind as a lioness
You hold the power of the same lioness
You love deeply
You are so important.
Not only to me.
To your mother
To your sisters
To the brothers you find in my family.
To the sisters you find in my family
To the father you find in my family
Scratch that "my"
And replace it with "our"
I love you.
I love the person you are
Faults
And
All.
You don't have to carry the weight alone.
I'll carry half.
And when you're too tired to continue
I'll carry your half and you.
I love you.
You are more valuable than any gem
You are more valuable than any stone
You are valuable.
Never forget
You are loved.
On your darkest days
On your brightest nights
Drunk
High
Somewhere inbetween.
You are loved.