Denxai Mcmillon

Denxai Mcmillon Apr 2017

Comma.

The horizon appears, so, blue;
The sun, so, warm;
The breeze, so, cool.
Spring is here,
And
Life, today, is no chore.

Denxai Mcmillon Apr 2017

I'm drunk again
Nothing new.
Nothing different.
I'm drunk again
Listening to music
Nothing somber
Nothing sad
Maybe a little of both
I'm drunk.
I've started drinking wine;
Riesling
Honestly, it started because of Mac lethal.
Honestly, I really like the taste.
Honestly, I don't know what to do
Honestly, all my dreams have come true.
I'm back with the first love I ever had.
I have the job I've wanted for years.
Between all the new beginnings.
And
Between all these awful dreams
Is where you can find me.
Where do I go from here?
Where do I go?
Knowing that I've achieved something.
Am I proud?
Should I be?
I drink nightly,
I smoke most nights
And I play video games so I can feel alive.
Where do I go from a new bottom?
I think...
No,
I drunkenly declare!
That there is no top
Only a bottom
It rises with you.
And my new "top"
What should it be?
What do I dream?
What do I see?
What could I be?

Denxai Mcmillon Mar 2017

Coping mechanisms

My mind has kept quiet.
It's an uncomfortable feeling really;
Being comfortable.

I'm mentally stuck in a pattern
Peaceful days
Growing comfortable
My significant other growing bored
Fighting
Losing said significant other
Watching her content with another
Trying to move on
Getting drawn back in.
Falling for her
Repeat.

Here I sit.
Stressed out in the bathroom.
A double tomorrow
Hungry
Irritable

My mind knows where I am.
My heart however;
Lost.
Not missing someone else.
Trying to climb out
Of
the emotional rut.

My heart is stuck thinking
there is a great build
A rising tide
A subtle crescendo
Into a dramatic ******.

I know one isn't coming.
I'm happy one isn't coming.
I'm struggling to cope
with that knowledge

I'm terrified of my own weakness.
I'm tired from work today
And
Honestly,
I'm terrified my heart
is so used to it's rut
That it doesn't want to keep trying
to pull itself out.

I'm at a loss.
Maybe after my shower,
I'll show you this
And
you'll help me
figure some things out as a short term

And

Then,
I'll swallow my pride
And
Really start looking into

Getting the help I really need.

Denxai Mcmillon Dec 2016

Something's are unfair, others are ******* stupid.

My least favorite part about the human obsession with education is probably the pretentiousness that follows it at its heel.
For example, I could spend years of my life learning to understand what makes music work;
Music theory.

I could spend hours, days, months, years, or decades studying. I could listen to everything from ancient arts like throats singing like in Mongolia or
Something newer like E.D.M.

Only to have my thoughts. My genuine love of music and the art behind it completely undermined by a classical music elitist with a degree.

How can education be important when you can't educate yourself to be a decent human being? What does bein thousands of dollars in debt and a peice of paper give you that I don't have?

Nothing.
Nothing at all.

Denxai Mcmillon Dec 2016

All children make mistakes. Some never grow.

There's only one place I can think of that I've ever really felt at peace.
Maybe because I was so ******* young.
Before my own corruption
before my ego
became the demon perched
on my shoulder
fingers digging deep into me.
Maybe it's why I find it hard
to fall asleep on my right side.
I'm learning to smile more,
worry less.
It's hard.
Very hard.
I have a great job
where I work my hardest
to make my customers happy
because
no one should eat in a sour mood.
No one ever said that to me
but I think I'll tell it to my kids.
What a scary thought.
My heads all over the place.
It's been months
Months since I last attempted
to allow my thoughts to shift
from the ever approaching future
to
To
To the bitter and cold spectrum
of human emotion I leave in my wake. Much like the edges of our vast
and ever expanding universe.
I feel I can only move forward
but
I keep finding myself peering to my left shoulder
in hopes that the space where the angel is supposed to guide me from
will no longer be vacant.
My life isn't bad.
My life isn't a waste.
So why,
why do I find myself wishing
Wishing I was dead.
Where do I go from here?
Where do I direct this anger?
Why am I angry?
Why am I so ******* empty?
What could I be missing?

Denxai Mcmillon Dec 2016

When your poems are titled like chapters of a book

I'm missing something.
I'm missing a lot of things.
I'm missing the point
I'm missing my high school years
I'm missing the light
I'm missing the spring

What's wrong with my head?
What's wrong?

Denxai Mcmillon Dec 2016

December 1st

I'm doing something
Something I never thought I would be.
I'm laying in bed
my first love with me once more

we're mostly quiet
We're listening to the music
The music we used to aleviate the pain
Of our break up

It's odd.
Very odd.
However, I don't mind