The difference in my poetry
and my reality
Is that I write when I'm angry
In reality I'm not as angry as I sound.

A lot of **** has been on my mind.
Aside from how much I hate Christmas
I'm focused on making money.
And detoxing
Quiting drinking
Quoting smoking
The fact that I have to end a friendship because she chooses not to respect me, my wishes and our relationship and my girlfriend.
It ***** but that's okay.
But what honestly hurts me the most
Is that, I don't think my girlfriend cares about how I feel.
Sure, last night she talked me through a lot of **** I needed to talk about.
But I feel like I can't talk to her about the way she hurts me sometimes.
She'd never hit me.
She'd never do anything that would make me completely submissive
however
If she feels like she's not in control of her choices she's
obstinate
Unwavering.
I respect it.
It just hurts sometimes.
she talks to her ex boyfriend.
It's not wrong.
Well it wouldn't be if it wasn't the same guy she left me for
The same guy she said
"Well, I just want to see if he's what I want."
And when he wasn't, at least I was still waiting.
The same guy that would lose intresf in her whenever she'd leave me for him.
I'm hurting and my self esteem is **** because of this.
He invited her to go play manhunt and I'm positive had I not been with her that night she would have Humored him at first then gone when she realized it sounded like fun.
The only reason I'm so sure
Is because she told me that she told him next time she'd be down to play.
She thinks "Alex texted me today and tried to make plans but I turned him down so I could be with you"
Or
"I only hug him up for bud"
excuses talking to him.
Man, I feel ******* worthless.
All I know is that I'm over it.
I'm over hearing his name
And knowing he talks to her and she lets it happen
because
Because
Because
Because why?
What makes hearing from him
More important than actually setting me at ease.
Does she not care?
Do I even matter?
I feel like I'm worthless these days
As shallow as it sounds
Making money is the only thing that's helping my self esteem.
I don't even like money.

My head is a shroud
I am oblong silhouettes
Ambiguity

To be fair and frank
I never truly addressed
The fact that you are no longer my friend.
You are not even a shell
of the person you once were.


I remember long ago
When I would see you in class you were the person I would partner up with.
We would talk incessantly
And had to be sepperated
I remember the birthday parties you attended
I remember the time I farted next to you and stood up to which you replied

"The smell floats"

I still chuckle at this.
I remember the one night I spent at your house.

I remember it all.

This person is dead.

I no longer think of you as a man

No, I can not even recognize you as a fellow human being.

You are, in fact; a worthless, shallow, selfish, disgusting thing

The level of disdain and animosity I carry towards you is rivaled only by the love I carry for the woman you so stupidly chose not to nurture and love properly.

You aren't worth words strung together in the beautiful way I would for the end of a honest friendship.

No
No
No

You are exactly like the songwriter in the band your knife tattoo is from.

****

You're the **** you skim off of soups with fatty meats because its very existence is actually detrimental to its surroundings.

I truly ******* hate you,

If I could do it legally

I would

Personally

Erase

you

The fact that you contact the person I love
Turns my mother ******* stomach,
Sickens me to blind rage.

You love, so fondly, playing mr. Steal-your-girl.
Try it again and I swear to whatever the ever loving God you may believe in.
That you will feel how much stronger I am than I was the night we wrestled twelve years ago.
It's not a threat.
It
Will
Happen.

I hope you die In The most gruesome way allowed by the universe.

-Sqid

I'm terrified of the fall
Physically
Mentally
Emotionally
So it's hard for me to flap my wings
I'm a creature of the land
Of the sea
My emotions are something like a sheer mountain.
No peak
Only a plateau
I climb with my eyes on the sky
Reach the level earth
And make the mistake of looking down.
And my body follows my gaze.
Indefinitely.

I'm cold
I mean that literally.
Figuratively, I'm growing cold.
I'm staring at this Christmas tree.
Christmas tree
O,
Christmas tree.
I ******* hate you Christmas tree
It reminds me that I'm from a broken home.
Chances are pretty high I'll spend Christmas alone.
My brother and sisters area state away in a house of their own.
With their mother
With their step father.
My mother will be flying around the world again.
Not that I want to spend this ****** holiday with her.
I don't hate her
I'd just rather not spend a day I'm going to be at the peak of my depression being lectured.
My dad, I don't know what he's going to be up to.
I'll see my fiancé when I can.
She promised that she'd spend Christmas Eve with her and that implied Christmas Day.
I was promptly told I was to be excluded from this.
I'm probably going to drink.
I'm so broken around this time of year.
Because when you spend your least favorite holiday alone  while everyone you know is living life with "Christmas cheer" it makes you want to be dead. What's the point in family holidays when you don't have a family to share it with.
Bottoms up
Happy holidays.