To the Hawaiians,
the turtle
represents long life.
The necklace pressed to my chest feels like it's mocking me
Telling me to live
When I wish I was dead.

Have you ever looked out at the sea
Really looked,
as if you were looking
for where the next continent might be?
Have you ever been so sad it's as if you may die simply due to the compression of your chest as if your drowning somewhere along the horizon?
I feel as if I'm dying.
I wish I could hear your voice
even if you were yelling at me.
Even if you said you don't miss me
as much as I miss you.
I'm homesick
I'm so homesick.
I miss Frederick
I miss the ****** people
My ****** job
My ****** pay
My room
The clutter
The basement
And I miss your room
The paint on the walls.
The division of your half
And your sisters.
I'm realizing I'm not ready to leave yet
Not nearly as ready as I have claimed.

I feel like over this past week you've fallen out of love with me. I mean, you've never been good at texting but at the same time where I am is six hours behind you. You're having fun, unlike me youre with people you like. Earlier you said you'd "text me when you could". I wish you'd make time to at least tell me how much fun you're having without me. Nothing, even when we're in the same time zone you don't really try. When you're home alone bored in sure I seem like I'm worth talking to. But never when your out. I can count on one hand how many times you've drunk called me. I wonder if you even ask if I can come along. Probably not. I'm having a really hard day. I wish you seemed like you cared more. I wish I was home. I wish I wasn't here anymore. I really doubt if I go to jail that you'd really wait. You've never been patient. I know because you burn yourself on pizza rolls and you cross roads when cars are coming. And I feel like I stop exsisting as soon as your busy. No matter how busy I keep myself I still remember I miss you. I wish you were the same.

It's not fair, really.
I'm sorry
I can't stop the unending anxiety
It's not even your fault.
It's hers.
Much like those face books posts,
Damaged women who can't trust
The "crazy" women who refuse to trust.
I'm the same.
She killed the steadfast trust I used to have.
I'm a groundhog.
I poke my head out
scatter at the first sign of trouble
And hole up inside my head all alone.
I'm sorry.
I have these hard days
I have these days where it's hard to trust.
It's not your fault but you're stuck with me.
I'm trying so hard to change.
I'm a cat.
I thrive off of the affection of my person.
I'm skittish.
When I'm scared
I try and make myself look bigger.
This isn't me.
This isn't who I want to be
I wish I could take a knife
Stab this anxiety
Strangle these trust issues.
Free myself to love you without a single fear.
I'll keep dragging my feet
I'll keep checking my phone.
I hope you're having fun.
I hope I can relax today.
I'll keep my fears silent.
And
I'll work at trusting you more
I'm sorry I have these days of weakness.
It's not your fault.
I'm a guppy
In a lake of anxiety sharks
It's feeding time
And here comes their attack.

Today for the first time in a very long time I went to a memorial.
To me, memorials are very special.
They are time capsules
Links to men and women I'll never know,
Who's faces I'll never see
Who's stories I'll never hear in their voice.
That's what they are.  
For the men who lost their lives on December, 7, 1941
They put your name on a wall.
I've shed tears for each of you.
I don't know why but coming to read your names,
It felt as if destiny played a hand.
Perhaps in a past life I was one of you.
But in this life I'm a coward and I could never live up to your expectations.
I'll come back.
I'll come back to each of you.
To my Mecca

The sea pulls again
With my smile following.
Beautiful rip tides.

ah, I didn't realize,
I shouldn't assume
that I'm the only one
who gets to see
A smile I thought
was meant for me
Haha, it hurts you know.
But that's okay.
I'm still lucky
But so is everyone else.