I never forgot a moment.
I settled comfortably into our love
I was happy by your side
I was ready to build a life
That ended with you as my wife
With a shack in Hawaii
With the possibility of kids
Where we spent the rest of our days
I still smiled until my cheeks ached
I still smile at our memories
I still love you.
I still want you.
I still have days where suicide is all I want.
But I fought it for us and to see what life had to offer.
I wish I had killed myself before we got to this.

It hasn't even been an hour
since I said goodbye to you.
I want to skate to your house
And do this all again in person.
I wonder if you'd let me
I wonder if it'd be different.
I wonder if you're thinking about me
I wonder.

I wish I could hate you
I honestly do
Then maybe I'd eat something
Or perhaps I'd feel something
I love you though
I wish I could stop
I wish I didn't stress myself out
Trying to be everything you want
I wish that I wasn't depressed
Maybe I would've been
I wish I could **** myself.
I wish I didn't have to remember your embrace.
I wish I could still have it.
It was never mine.
It's not like I was important enough to be given that.
I'm gonna start drinking again
I don't care
Let me waste away.
I don't want to hate you but I wish I could to help me mend

I hope you're happy.
I hope he makes you smile.
I hope when you have fun it's honest
I hope when you look back you forget I ever exsisted.
You aren't going to be able to stop me from juggling knives anymore.

I'm sorry, dad. I've failed yet again in making you proud. I've looked deep into the eyes of myself in the mirror and I've completely given up on life. I remember a time when I was younger when I didn't hide how I felt. I was a cry baby. Yet, here I am. Writing an apology for something I'll never be forgiven for.

To my siblings, I couldn't do it. I know youll all be able to succeed where I gave up. I love you all.

Mom, I will hate you into my grave.
-the experiment child.

Funny how I somehow can't prove I love you.
It's funny how even though I've been committed you can't even say I'm you're boyfriend.
It's funny how I'm not your boyfriend
It's funny how while I talk endlessly about you you can't tell me one time recently you do the same.
It's funny how while I'm ******* sobbing over how to prove I love you all you can say is I can't.
It's funny how even being alive isn't enough for you
It's funny how much I've started to hate myself because I can't do anything well enough.
It's funny right?

I'm gonna play a game
Drink and take whatever I can find
If I wake up **** it
If not.
Whatever