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Mar 2017 · 329
Android
Alexandria Hope Mar 2017
Programming Incomplete:
"I don't wish to be alone"
Soundlessly voiced.
Recorded - Self Sentience is Shut Down
Program Rebooted.
Subject remains silent.
Lagging in Productivity.
Time Unmarked.
Logistics, programming, efficiency logistics sufficiently run.
Sufficient.
Program is reinstated.
Mar 2017 · 318
Poem Revist
Alexandria Hope Mar 2017
In the museum of hands and arms and moving bodies,
There is a door.
Beyond the smoke and fly paper and Cheshire grins.
Had I made it to the door.
Had I become just like them
My flesh torn raw and tendons burning
Against their acid, make-shift garb
Had I not held readings of poetry,
To garner their harrowing attention
As I sought to free myself of the Pupa
In gauzy tops and linen skirts did we dance as the criminally insane
To a waltz of unsung potential
Did I not willingly take the potions and laugh, as they laugh
Did I not willfully indoctrinate the freshest among us
Those fighting, frightened souls, eyes trained on the door.
The door.
How I see it now, a beacon and damnation
That I can never step outside it, now.
Feb 2017 · 302
Old Flames
Alexandria Hope Feb 2017
Maybe I'm incapable of love.
I keep it all boxed away,
Like matchsticks.
Until they leave,
And then, only then,
I take those matches out
When I want to burn myself.
Jan 2017 · 663
Note to self:
Alexandria Hope Jan 2017
When you're off hating yourself..
.Make sure you don't make the world hate you, too..
Jan 2017 · 296
Untitled
Alexandria Hope Jan 2017
I'm trying to protect the little girl inside of me.
Protect her from reality.
Of losing skin and losing faith.
Of doing more than she can take.
--Because, I can be near suicidal. I can alienate friends, hurt myself. But there's a little girl in me that wanted to live, to be a scientist, an artist. A mother. And maybe I'll never get that dream. But I'll never stop loving her.
Dec 2016 · 386
Poetry
Alexandria Hope Dec 2016
My hero has landed back on mars.
His love left written in the stars.
That rebel heart that beats for us-
We've lost so many, I miss you, Bowie.
Alexandria Hope Dec 2016
I stand behind enemy lines,
Hiding in the shadows.
"There's no war," they whisper
As they laugh around a fire and cheat at cards-
Old flintlocks and rifles and powder barrels
Uniforms tossed aside, I'm,
Still covered in the grime, hiding the glare from my eyes
Glued to the dirt walls of this trench
"It's almost Christmas", they say
Don't you know what happened in WW1?
How they all went out to shake hands on Christmas day?
I'm in enemy territory, even while they find me and lead me
To the fire, where they take off my soaked coat and insist
There is no war. There is no battle.
But the fight I've fought will never tire-
It's so much easier than opening my eyes
To see that I'm loved, and part of something,
Just to realize....
Who wins the war? The victims or the victors?
I've hated this year since the beginning, I just wish I knew
If next year or the next, or these people and places I miss,
Are worth fighting for.
Alexandria Hope Nov 2016
Oh how the Blue-Bird falls from grace,
To be torn apart by bonebirds at the shore.
Were I an Icarus, were I Achilles, but I couldn't be more sure.
That my days were outnumbered by my whims and my follies.
And the blackness of falling, and the grey of the rain.
Ever that I was a danger and a risk, ever that I denied
Is there anyone there, can swear they've nothing to hide?
Then swear it to me now.
Can I but seek my pension through the fires of the 7,
Walk my way out as Orpheus, through the gates of redemption
Or do I make sick of myself, ill and repentant.
Wary to pay any of greed nor of love, monetary nor mention

But of what status and peace of mind I may have bought myself in times before. I wonder, I wonder....
Oct 2016 · 315
Untitled
Alexandria Hope Oct 2016
When I was a lover,
the world kept me warm
Oct 2016 · 318
Untitled
Alexandria Hope Oct 2016
I talk too little, too much
I expose too little, too much,
I live too much, too little,
I'm too happy or I'm too depressed
I live my life one extreme to the next
And I'm just waiting for the day I'm middle-ground,
I'm just waiting for someone who pins me down,
Without pinning me down at all
You know it's hard to figure out a pendulum,
Fighting yourself is tough, you know,
I just want to be enough.
Sep 2016 · 257
Untitled
Alexandria Hope Sep 2016
You win some, you lose a lot.
Aug 2016 · 330
Late
Alexandria Hope Aug 2016
My bones are weary. It isn't a pleasant state to find oneself in. You wouldn't say so.
Little bones in the neck start to grind together, muscles pulling crisscross and backwards down the planes of your back.
At any moment the fear may present itself; that these bones will squish meat and blood so tightly that they must burst through skin and you are certain, of more than just your own sleep deprivation, that it will **** you.
You’ll see stars, feel the heaviness in the muscles of your arms as they slowly deaden, for how impossible their dream of reaching up and cupping starlight. If only you could embrace it.
Fill your glass up with sparkling dust and drink ‘till you are infused with it. Like more than you were your first summer night - warm, dark - spotted with fireflies, whose wonder stared and blinked back into you as a thousand suns.
Drink until the heat builds and spirals into every nerve, every particle of marrow, until it is lifted from pressure, lifted from being, lifted to a state of not but pure release.
Then remember that you are a story. That stories do not behave, do not twinkle in as timing permits, nor align as a physical presence.
I am glacier inside, I feel the snowbanks drifting through my mind. The little icicles behind my eyes and the floes bobbing sluggish though my heart. I don't know how to thaw.
Aug 2016 · 450
Rest
Alexandria Hope Aug 2016
The fidget, restless, ache
Starting to diffuse,
New tea from a lemon-wedge strainer
Rough, cheap sheets, earthy brown,
Tame, welcome
Hard bed, steady fan, gently blowing the blinds
Back, forth,
Reading a good book, eyes laze to, fro
Soft music, lavender sleep mask,
The dead heat, heavy air
It's not perfect. It's home
And more importantly, it's mine
Aug 2016 · 199
Untitled
Alexandria Hope Aug 2016
And the pain sets in,
That ache in my abdomen,
Soon as the rains come back
I should never have asked whether the sun would stay
This time
Aug 2016 · 430
At The Part
Alexandria Hope Aug 2016
Be that *****
The one who strung em up like trysts
Little popcorn kernels in her gums
Be that *****
Who picked them as weeds
And kept the thorns in a back pocket
Be that *****
Who kissed them away as lipstick stains
On a broken mirror packed tightly away
Be that *****
Coddling a text message
As if it were a runaway child
Be that *****
On that summer’s eve
With miles of distance in one hand
Be that *****
Who broke her own **** heart
Trying to glue it back together again
Aug 2016 · 243
Untitled
Alexandria Hope Aug 2016
I’m in the same way I am tired of speaking, tired of my written voice.
I’m by no means burnt out but I feel watered down, and I want to say it’s just my way of coming off an emotional haze.

Because I’m not the girl who burned hot and fast and bright and died out.
I’m just me. Lashing out and breaking down.
Alexandria Hope Aug 2016
Scuba Diving, 60ft down
No sound, but the pressure in my ears
No feeling but the clammy pallor of my skin underneath this wetsuit,
No feeling but the ocean, dizzy and swayed by currents
Color diluted to greys and browns,
60ft down.
Jul 2016 · 511
Planetarium
Alexandria Hope Jul 2016
This close to Hollywood, the stars are always out
Some come to see movies where I work,
Some say hi, others don't
They all know my name, all the same....

Most come over to me, just because you're with me
You know their numbers, know their tells,
They care about you, yeah
Their boyfriends do, too

I'm here, awkward as hell,
Used to get a hello and a hug,
Now I'm lucky for a nod, oh

I love you, you're amazing
Smart and older, better job, apartment room you don't have to share,
Manage his page, ah, I admire him...
But he only winks at you

And this other woman, my teacher adores her
Thought it was great he asked me to be his student,
I'm still proud, I will always stand proud,
But I'm not his new roommate, or his roommate's fiance,
Still I get their snaps, feel a little left out
I feel a little left out.

I'm not jealous, not really.
Don't want to be where you are.
I just want to be equal. I love you all,
Friends and stars,
I just want to be up there in the heavens, too
Not stuck in this planetarium.

I don't want to be stuck on the ground
Jul 2016 · 359
Constellations and Books
Alexandria Hope Jul 2016
In the span of a conversation, you gave me the universe
It was pillow talk, cuddled up, we talked about the galaxies,
It was sharing the passenger seat of my car, debating about stars.
In the span of a weekend, you gave me ever after,
And I gave you stories and support and humor and care-free,
The first lines of Chapter 1, dreams and plans
So when you left, you left me the night sky, only, the constellations had diminished,
And I left you with pages & the index of a book we never finished.
Alexandria Hope Jul 2016
Preset
What can I get for you this evening?
Preset
Do you happen to have our stubs card?
Preset
Would you like a receipt-
Wait.
Error.
Error.
Preset.
Is there anything else?
Preset
Do you have any rewards on your card?
Would you like me to see if there are any?
Preset
Would you like to use your rewards today, or save them?
Preset
Would you like a receipt?
Preset
Have a wonderful night. Day. Evening. What time is it.
**** why did I preset that phrase...

Hello!
Preset
What can I get for you this... today
Preset
Large....? Soda, popcorn?
Preset
I don't set the prices
Preset
I am a robot. Cashier number 18. I have 10 modes and 30 presets.
Would you like to hear Maltesers BOGO preset?
2 for 6 preset?
Hot Dogs are Out, preset?
I don't have any receipts, please don't yell at me preset
Funny joke based on your N7 jacket or Pokemon Go app preset?
Ha.
Ha.
Preset
I apologize for your wait, give me one moment I'll be right with you-
With you-
With you-
WitH yoU

I missed you.
I'm so glad we're together again.
You look amazing.
How's the studying going?
Is the Greenhouse finished?
I guess we should **** the garden, today.
Teach me to make Rhubarb pie?
You don't know how to dice garlic!
Let's go to sleep.
I love you.
Let's go outside today.
I'd like to make pizza for dinner tonight.
Let's see a movie.
Movies.
Let's lay on the floor with a fort of blankets and pillows and drink wine
And watch movies..
Let's be you and us.
Let's.
LeT's
Go to the movies....
Presets Deleted

Would you like anything to drink, with that?
Alexandria Hope Jul 2016
Everyone who gets close to me, blocks me and runs far away from me
But man, if I didn't ******* warn you guys to begin with
Jul 2016 · 312
Hope
Alexandria Hope Jul 2016
I was wild, with a hunger in my eyes,
It's still there, but faint
Still, I feel,  most of me has died
I can feel the planet breathing. I can
feel the seconds ticking.
There's the knowing, and not knowing, and painful crying
For no good reason.
Until I fall back into rote.
I'm a ghost. I'm a glass child. I'm stinging.
Jul 2016 · 477
Clockwork Heart
Alexandria Hope Jul 2016
I've got a human heart,
And it tends to break
So here's what I'm gonna do,
I'll replace it with something new

I want a clockwork heart,
Made with coils and gears,
Because maybe then,
I won't shed these tears

If I'm wired with oil,
And not flesh and blood,
Would I be happier then,
Or would it hurt just as much?

Oh, I want a clockwork heart,
I want precision and grace,
I want to chase the stars,
I want a memory drive I can erase

Because these memories of you,
Never cease to hurt me,
But with a clockwork heart....
Couldn't I make you see?

I want a clockwork heart.
Jul 2016 · 358
I Miss You, Dad.
Alexandria Hope Jul 2016
Dear dad,
I know I'm not the daughter you wanted,
But who knows?
Sometimes it feels like it's been
forever,
Sometimes it feels like you're still
here
I love you, I know I never said that enough,
I know I'll never get to say it again.
I love you.
I miss hugging you, I miss struggling to keep up with you.
I miss not understanding your speeches.
Fearing you, as I still fear, what you'd have to say
About, and to me now.
I love you anyway.
I wish I could be with you, to put off fireworks, like we used to.
There are so many stories unwritten and so many arcs retconned,
Since you died, my life took a different turn,
Than wherever I was headed, with you alive.
Some years I do better than others,
But this year I'm falling apart.
The 4th will someday be the best memory, and the best day to celebrate
Your life, and all the 4ths we spent together.
Until that day, the 4th is a day without light.
Goodnight, oh, but never goodbye.
Jun 2016 · 395
Virtuous Spirit (2012)
Alexandria Hope Jun 2016
Clever wit and a bit of poise
That is how I master boys
Slithering, curling at my heels
Promises falling from the mouths of eels
Lies with immeasure, not a thing they care about
If a snake won't hold its tongue, I'll cut it out
With determination she levelly employs,
I am she, master of boys.

Kind precision, and a tad cruel
The girls are whom I rule
Skipping, running at my embrace
Coy suggestions, a fox on the chase
Laughter so sinister, smiles so sincere
When they expose their heart, I'll shoot it clear
With care she freely hurls
I am she, ruler of girls

Patient consideration, ever chaste
My spell over children is done with haste
Innocently stumbling, blind at my skirts
Birds crying out for attention, they know the world hurts
Fixing our mistakes, unaware of their own
Refuse my views and your world will be overthrown
Unable, yet yearning to help them,
I am she, captivator of children

Discerning defiance and a certain edge of humility,
Have I not found a way to draw you to me?
Standing still, gazing into my eyes
Old God who has seen under this guize
Watching, judging, patiently waiting
Do not challenge the power I've been dating!
She gives way, as she is prone to do,
I am she, the one humbled by you
Alexandria Hope Jun 2016
I am both angered by being abandoned,
And adamant and understanding that it is anyone's choice to leave
But when I die, do not dare say you are devastated.
Do not dare speak my name, nor mourn.
As I respect that I am difficult and you must leave,
Respect me when I say I do not want your grief or your thoughts,
Or your tarnished memories of me.
If you've chosen to be gone, then leave be.
Jun 2016 · 245
Untitled
Alexandria Hope Jun 2016
These days I've been drinking ***** like water,
Trying to laugh a little harder,
To drown out the world
Jun 2016 · 233
Untitled
Alexandria Hope Jun 2016
I want to go to bed
It's not a question, it just is
I'm a broken little doll,
But I can't feel a thing
Drunk or sober,
Whole or bleeding,
Dead or sleeping,
No, I can't feel a thing
May 2016 · 374
Dein Kaiser ist verloren.
Alexandria Hope May 2016
Well it just doesn't sit well,
That I've taken this throne from the ill,
I **** myself just to dream,
And dream of killing myself just to lie still.
I may be King, I am King on my own,
Yet the peasant I was, is crying for home,
And this crown cuts me deep, severs the nerves
That I've bled, just to bleed, into this 'future' I've been led to believe-
Is everything we've all been working towards
May 2016 · 279
Untitled
Alexandria Hope May 2016
Good morning, moonshine.
May 2016 · 339
Repose
Alexandria Hope May 2016
This mask is painted-
Lips and eyes, delicate but fractured
With little breaks and
spidery lines,
Like the fraying of my
dresses.

I can't remember what I
look like, anymore. The
roots showing beneath
this wig or the broken skin beneath this
porcelain

You say it's pretty. Say
I'm beautiful beneath
It's all an artifice,
Lying to save the truth I
cannot unleash

And your skin is
statuesque- perfect, and
your hinges don't creak
like mine,
And I wonder if they've
wired you up,
Finely tuned your
neurons, just like mine
So you can speak and
laugh without a mask
So you can act the part
of "fine"

So well, I find, I've fallen
in love,
Well so what, that
knowledge was just a
matter of finding
The right code to
program into.
A right set of Action and
Response

Can you even live with a
clockwork heart? With
tubes and chemicals as
veins.
Can you cry bitter,
Mercury tears?
Can your electrodes
spark, like mine?

I find this mask is so hard
to remove, and so easy
to wear,
That lately I've worn it to
sleep
I've begun to forget if I've
ever been without it,
before,
But it itches my skin raw,
and it chafes and sweats,
and I cry though
porcelain cannot weep.
May 2016 · 680
Grit
Alexandria Hope May 2016
This isn't the life you thought you'd live.
Everything's as dusty as the echoes in your head,
Your shadowy future is just as dark, as the monsters in the corner,
But they're warm, they make you believe that the world is colder.
So you take your lighter and let its flame fly, blowing against your finger,
Burning just the top layer of skin, and it's got to be okay,
You think if you could just shed it like a snake, everything could be new
Then you could step into the light, because as it is, that possibility
Is weighing you down
Your face is so familiar with the dirt, you brush your teeth with it,
Watch as potato bugs and worms crawl between your fingers,
And what must the world look like, to them? Down there?
To the creatures in the thick of it-
This isn't the life you thought you would live.
You feel alien, dejected and denied,
Painting your body with thin black ink, with phrases you adopted,
And pretty pastels, anything that will simply hide you away
Wear the mask you have to make yourself, so that,
Through the processes of painstakingly crafting it, you feel attached.
It doesn't occur to you that there's someone under all of it
Until you meet someone,
Whose curt words draw truths spluttering from your mouth,
Whose eyes render you naked,
Send you sprawling, back into the dirt.
And then they leave.
Leaving you wondering who you ever were.
May 2016 · 319
Untitled
Alexandria Hope May 2016
I could spend my life,
Studying for a test I'll never take
I could spend my life,
Worrying about a failing grade or expulsion
But then I'd never live,
And I've given all I could give
Taken all I could take, and you crushed it in your hand
So I don't have an after-high school plan,
I've given adulthood all I can-
I could spend my life,
Wishing dreams would just come true
Or I could spend my life, just being me and doing what little I can do
May 2016 · 1.1k
Let's Dance Again
Alexandria Hope May 2016
"Your addiction and you are in love,
Not starcrossed"

And it's a tango I'm so familiar with,
Outside my mother's house, or my dorm room,
Or my apartments in Bellevue and Anaheim.
I know the steps, I know the rhythm,
That first drag of a cigarette,
That first sip of plum wine, or ***, or whisky, or beer,
That ancient gut-longing for someone who isn't here
I know the chords to the opening song,
Even to the older, pining songs which are long-gone
Now finely-tuned to my latest loss,
I give up, I give up, and I pay for it
No matter the cost

It could be a waltz, or a samba, but it's just deep-set lust
And though women usually come out on top in Tango,
I know I'll never win

So it's just a tango, that dance with death
Because I can't leave it be, at least *not yet
Last Dance - Raveonettes
Der Schleier fällt - Elisabeth Das Musical
May 2016 · 313
Untitled
Alexandria Hope May 2016
The stars have watched my descent
My water-color tattoo of disdain
Grass withers around my feet,
I'm a mar on this world, like a stain
I took a pill to stop my head from bleeding,
I let the ocean pull me down
Tried to lose myself in pleasure and pain,
And I see nothing but dust, in the night sky,
I see nothing worth suffering
Nothing
Apr 2016 · 693
Fire Opal
Alexandria Hope Apr 2016
Rubies are dun, or red as blood,
Opals are blue, opaque, or fire
I know they burn through me,
7 opals in my favorite necklace,
14 in my favorite bracelet,
3 in my favorite earrings,
I encase myself in the flames, like they define me,
Like my birthstone is as much me as I am the earth,
And my own tainted pyre.
And I burn, burn, through all of the old photographs,
Sending them up to the goddess as ash-
Burn, burn, through old cigar boxes, through liquor bottles
And dried flowers and my father's shirts,
And my father's old camera,
And my father's old ideals for who I was to be,
Someone I will never become,
I tore through it all, razed the past to the ground,
And I blistered my fingers, I tore the love letters,
I put the stories written for me, into the ocean,
I sent my farewell postcards for them, upon the rocky shore,
I cried as I watched them torn and taken,
But nobody loves me anymore,
And I burn, burn, like the brightest of opals,
Green with envy like the jade my father stole
Red with rage like Gerry's birth stone and I
But I've made my choices, after all,
So I burn.
I sneezed on my new laptop so it's mine now.
Apr 2016 · 241
Show Goes On
Alexandria Hope Apr 2016
Still, I remember when you entertained the idea
Of shipping off with me
I remember the passion in your eyes,
The assurance that we could do anything, just be
But what we’ve become, is everything I’ve been running
From.
And now, no matter what I desire, I have seen the darkness I’ve cast over you
The way you shy from my touch, that I should have known better
Why didn’t your father ever teach you not to play with fire?
Apr 2016 · 663
93 Degrees
Alexandria Hope Apr 2016
It's a dead end heat, walking along the black asphalt,
Gravity pulling heavy on my ankles, needling my sore shoulders,
As various A/C units kick on, droning against the dead leaves,
Heavy as rushes at the edge of a pond.
I can almost smell the moss and peat and crave the cooler air,
Mouth watering for that earthy atmosphere and paths, outside this blistering concrete,
On and on the days drone on, on and on they fly by, and I'm missing,
Hours spent inside back tracking hours, reminiscing the haze
Over an abandoned playground, or the touch, of a forgotten moment,
Blood slowing, shutting down, circulation sluggish, dead,
Trying to cool down for just a breath
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