Water fills the room
And dares to enter me  
Oh this cruel game again?
A game of breath underwater
No up or down just
Now... spinning, spinning in black and loosing my bearings
Can I do this?
Am I capable of this?
letting in the rushing water into my body?
But in this state of pained catatonics I realize something
the water isn't trying to crush but to heal
I had been holding my breath long before the water
long before this room
since my very first breath
the pain of burdens had been the familiar
it was the rocks thrown
The traded blows
The anger of unknown origin
It was the healing I was seeking
A quick inhale and a cut to black
and I sit in the squeaky chair a woman vague
shouting of success at my successful drowning

CALM OF EXPECTATION
This is the moment I found my self plunged in the ocean of my own soul
where i don't feel the terrifying decay of self
like a spark in the dark
that fills in the whole
that thought had lost
i felt me clearer than I ever have.
It is the moment after we fall
also
the moment after we stand
long fleeting, ever present, but often forgotten
in the light of Happiness
I realized
we ride a ship over oceans of pain
in this land
it couldn't last.
this fleeting moment of happiness
can it last?
tell me can this expectation
this love, happiness and wonder,
survive what undoubtedly approaches?  


STORM
Again in a moment, I explored my soul
where the the ocean boils but stills and the cold over takes you
but also soothes you.
you forget the ocean exist
And you drink
drink it all down until it becomes a part of you  
the cold of that moment
becomes your strength, it bolsters uplifts and destroys.
certainly the expectation of that moment of happiness that never came was not enough
it did not strengthen you it weakened you
it was indeed poison
indeed a habit
that cannot exist in this rage
in this sea of certain uncertainty
in this break in self judgement
lack of empathy towards ones self
and tearing and repairing of this land itself
or are we just subjects, watchers of our own soul weather?