i should be thinking of him
not you.

i guess i must still miss you because
i am sleeping with my head where my feet usually are,
and i don't do that unless my depression is acting up.

i was a one-track mind
with nothing but you
going round and round
on my baby blue crosley.

but you always had everything else
that wasn't me on your mind.

even now you're still a
rare breath of fresh air

"i'm usually good with parents,
except when they hate me.
but i can't blame them
because i wouldn't date me"

and i still talk to you
but your pale blue eyes
don't make up for your
stone cold heart

and i can't help but wonder if
i helped make it that way.

i didn't know it was possible to
miss someone
even though they're right next to you.

i wanted to be your
17th & last
and after all we've done
they can call it what they want,
but i will never be able to rewrite the past.

you were my reputation
from the beginning
middle
and end.

maybe i am
more fun to miss than to be with?

there are things i didn't get to say to you,
things i will never say now
because i can't
i shouldn't
but also because i no longer want to...

we were always better at talking with our eyes
anyway...we were fluent in silence.

the way a mere graze could set our souls afire
but we have to put that away now.

i want you to try...
i want you to try...

try to get better
try to move on
try to forgive me
try to remember
try to allow love in
try to feel & feel it deeply,
don't hold it back...
try to just say things,
because the other person
may be dying
to hear your words...

and i will try
to make sense of this
unfinished business.

i told you
i told you.

so it wasn't like it was a surprise
it shouldn't have been a surprise.

a few words could make you run
were you always on the run?

i told you i was fine
are we ever really fine?

but i don't want to enter the new year without you
i don't want to without you . . .

I cannot compete because I've already won.

thumb popping the socket
once...twice...

little green circle
heat flash

lungs of short-comings
throbbing and flushed

flashback fast forward
rewind playback

and what was it all for?...
the risk the writing the songs

oh boy...
maybe i'm not interesting anymore (?...)

whole walk
for nothing

frick.

it's not me
and should i ask another question?. . .

it's you.
so sorry for showing it

hand over heart
yep, it's still beating

a little too fast
*too much

and yet it's never enough
always hungry for more

google search:
"what counts as physical assault?"

                                ~ as if my experience is less than valid to count.

I grew up being told,
"people won't always remember what you said, but
they'll never forget how you made them feel."

It has been too long
for me to not have
noticed
that you consistently
leave me feeling like
you love
seeing me
hurting.

what happened to lifetimes...

what happened to endless exploration...

what happened to forever never being enough...

i know why it hurts this much..
it's because you loved me so hard.
how could i not see it?
i loved you so hard.
could you not feel it? . . .
but now it's too late..
you're gone..
"i'm still here.."
you're gone . . .

You think you know me.

You think you know exactly how I feel when I'm hurting.

You think you know what I go through every day.

You think you understand the trauma I have to live with.

But how little you know...

you just wanted something to hold against me.

i will give in to your emotional games
and word you are so obsessed with . . .
villain.
make me that . . .
but you have no idea,
what it's like for me.
no matter how much i try to tell you,
you have no idea,
what i feel.
no matter how hard i try to express it . . .

it's sad how
everyone who treat you poorly
are the same ones
who tell you
you don't deserve
to be treated that way.

What can we bring to the table if we don't even have a table?

9
13-9-19-19
25-15-21

I remember digging my toes into the thick, goopy mud in our overgrown backyard when I was a little girl.

I remember running home from the dirt-dusted bus stop with my siblings, trying to beat the shadows of the clouds cast by the sun.

I remember the hug of the summer air, enveloping me like a second skin.

I remember the fiery pain of the hornet stinger beneath my right foot.

I remember my older brother dunking his slice of watermelon into salt and taking a bite out of it, red sticky juice dripping down his chin and wrist with an absence of grace.

I remember hearing the off-key song of the ice cream truck, faint but within earshot.

I remember my mom waking me up to eat a steaming bowl of brown-sugared oatmeal in the middle of the night, just because.

I remember the thud of his loving heartbeat against the bumpy skin of my warm chest.

I remember jumping as high as possible to yank off the juicy oranges, the size of a softball, from the tree.

I remember her knotted, gray, no-longer-stray fur nuzzling against my faded jeans as if she’s always loved me.

I remember holding his hand, winter-wind-dry, cold, and skinny just moments before breaking up with him.

I remember the soft autumn mist, creating a veil of gray across the football field.

I remember how slippery with sweat my skin was on the suffocating bus ride home in September.

I remember how my dad packed his lunch the same way every day; 7 baby carrots, 2 granola bars, 1 banana, 12 potato chips, 1 bologna and American cheese sandwich with mayonnaise.

I remember his beige Coleman lunch box with the maroon lid, rough and smelled of plastic, too-ripe banana, and “Dad”.

I remember the thin skin beneath my eyes, rubbed raw, flaky, and salt-ruined after countless hours of darkness.

I remember sitting with my stubby girl legs spread out in front of me on the wooden kitchen floor, dipping cinnamon cookies into pink and blue yogurt.

I remember our first kiss, stiff and clumsy, but electric…gentle…and not enough.

I remember the look of loss hidden behind my dad’s smile as we grew smaller in the airport security on Father’s Day.

"he's looking at you"

he says.

"no he's not..."

i deny.

"i'm not even in his view..."

i say.

The sun sets
orange & pink
across our eyes,
blue & brown.

We talk like always,
although we know
it will be the last time.

I think of the moment
I felt safest with you
& loved by you.

We smile in silence.

I give you a song
while we leave
each other,
never truly left.

Overwhelmed, I unexpectedly cry.

"Who needs a tissue?"
I playfully ask, tossing aside my pain,
when I have your hand
wiping away the tears with gentle care?

Never enough...

Unable to walk away,
"I believe in us"
you say.

You watch as I walk away,
I look back over my shoulder
& the music fades...

I never want to leave you again...

as the sky changes from bright baby blue
to soft yet vivid oranges, golds, pinks, and violets

we see psychologists
instead of each other

we go home
instead of dinner, together

i do my homework
instead of looking into your icy blue eyes
to feel everything you feel,
those silent, wordless conversations
that fall between us..

you quietly watch films by yourself
instead of gently pressing your lips
against mine..

I don't know why I
foolishly waited
for you to say
"Happy Valentine's Day".

I don't know why I
foolishly waited
for you to
pick me up and swing me around
like you were happy to see me.

I don't know why I
foolishly waited
for you to pull me close
kiss me slowly
softly
gently.

I don't know why I
foolishly waited
for you to
tell me how much you want to make me feel wanted and loved by you.

I don't know why I
foolishly thought
you would do all of these things.

I don't know why I
am always surprised
when you
laugh at me
instead of listening to me
when I need you to...

I don't know why I
still allow you to hurt me
somehow, even while my guard is up.

I don't know why I
still let you in
knowing you can walk away so easily
and let me walk away
while I cry...

I don't know why I
am still lying to myself, saying
"he does care for me..."
"he does want me..."
"he does need me..."
"he does know me..."
"he does see me..."
"he does understand me..."
"he does love me..."
"he doesn't want to hurt me..."

the beach in your shoes
and smoke braided into your hair

the fireflies fly right into your palm
the fireflies became you

after i held you
in your neon pink fleece
crying in my arms as i held back the salt
but why would i want to?
when we miss each other too much
to not live and love again
in october?

sliver of a silver moon
seeps itself through a crack

heavy curtains falling like
stars & long hair

over my bare shoulders

light of the night
flooding the bedroom

the color of nocturn.

thick scent of blood & rain
colliding earth & wilting lilies

11:59 aglow
etched into retinas
high in its corner
it is my sun
& my daughter

cooing owl turns drag racing
midnight shotguns

turning the other cheek
rolling over like an old trick

billy idol sings lullabies
while tears pool in my ears

trying to remember what day
it will be

what once clothed me in
milky warmth & softness
tosses me

my bed rocks
as if i were at sea

everything is blue

i miss when vertigo was in my lap
lacing its fingers into mine
as i ran a cold hand through its dark hair
and i would never mind

i could shut my eyes
i could leave them open

the visions whirl vivid still

i don't hate anything.

but i hate this.

i hate it when it consumes me and when i give it the power to take over my mind and break my own heart..

i hate when i can't pull myself out of drowning in it..

i hate it when i forget..

i hate it when i forget who i am and how strong and sensitive i am..

i hate it when i forget and hurt you instead of love you..

i hate that i think that telling you would have made you understand so you could help me when it pulls me under.. suffocating me.. suffocating you..

and every single time this happens..
all i think about is
e v e r y t h i n g . . .

memories of warmer skies

feeling distant with each breath i take..

the deep conversations we've held between your baby blue eyes and my wide chocolate ones..

the way neither of us have to say a word to know what the other was thinking or feeling..

the warmth of your skin accidentally grazing against mine..

asking if i would ever get to trace the tips of my fingers gently along the constellation of your scars, healing the hurt of your past as i go..

never fully realizing until after just how much damage i, myself am inflicting..

memorizing the sound of your voice because i feel as if i would never hear it again..

asking if i would ever feel the beating of your heart pounding out of your chest as we slowly bring our lips together..

studying the lines of your face because it feels like an impossibility to ever be so close to you again..

wondering if i will ever feel protected by you or if i will ever get to protect you, knowing it's impossible when i'm the one thing hurting you..

remembering the soft drifting snowflakes i gently brushed from your brow..

or the first time we embraced beneath the warm May spring rain..

replaying every thoughtful and adoring thing we've ever said..

the friendly smiles shared and laughs from goofy things only we'd understand..

wondering if i would ever feel brave enough to sign "i love you" from across the room to you..

always hoping but never fully believing that, each time, after what i do.. you would ever... ever want to see me again..

Amongst a sea of gray faces frozen in a grimace,

I stand unmoved, vivacious, bubbling, & beaming . . .

This subterranean city in which we build our lives,

Only to realize we don't have to forever.

I am learning how to break my chains . . .

The darkness raucously surrounding & determined to suffocate anyone who lets it,

I face with fear to over power it until I am no longer afraid . . .

I reach the other side
where all I feel is warm, immense jubilance
& magnificent colors . . .

This life is once
& a beautiful grandeur
we no longer have to endure . . .

It is our choice,
to take for granted or unearth
our true voice . . .

we will
speak in
songs
and
cursive lines
and
soft looks
from
across the
room
until
i am
no longer
sorry
for
loving
and
until
you know
how you
feel.
until we
both know
how
to say
what we
want...
desire...
need.

tummy aches

& bad dreams.

lightning storms

& rolling thunder.

blankets piled high

& frost-nipped toes.

fears yet to be discovered

rational or irrational?

nightmares of obsessing over what to wear

meanwhile you aren't thinking of me . . .

night terrors of overthinking myself

but your parents don't like me after all.

i wake up

i wake up

wiping a warm tear from rolling down my flushed cheek

& i am relieved

but proceed with caution now . . .

these are the bad dreams that are far more frightening, because they feel far too real. . . far too possible. . .

i sit up & get a glimpse of my clock as the moon watches me, bold & bright, from it's place in the vast indigo sky, staring right at me, wishing it could provide any kind of comfort but knows it can't.

the night is slow & still too young,

but i hope that it's okay that i am thinking of us . . .

so much that has yet to unfold

& we said we have all of the time in the world,

we said there's no need to rush,

but darling i feel the urge to let you know

that i want us to last

i want us to last

i want to have something to hold

something to fight for

something to protect

something so soft but so sure . . .

& i know it's been a while

but i want something real

something honest

something unbreakable

something resilient

darling, i want to bounce back stronger with no one else but you . . .

i've done my time

i've payed my dues

i've looked for years & found what i want

what i need

what i desire

& then you stopped by

just to say hi

& changed the way i look at everything . . .

i've had my days

i've changed my ways

from parties & plays

to long dreamy summer days . . .

i've had my expectations

i've had my demands,

i've had my moments & mistakes

my passions & pitfalls . . .

i lost myself

in order to come back to a stronger & perpetually evolving imperfect version,

always simultaneously a

work in progress

and a

mastermind masterpiece

an effortless work of art that dove straight through endless golden summers full of pipe dreams & rose-colored lenses

to falling straight into the arms of seemingly endless rainy gray days full of melancholy, pining, & heart aches . . .

i've served my sentence

i've asked my questions,

but most importantly i've gotten my answers.

every last one of them, but you . . .

i just need to know now darling, am i the something you want too? . . .

can i be your everything, nothing more nothing less? . . .

& if you say yes, would it be the truth & nothing but the truth? . . .

darling, can i be yours & you be mine,

constant & 'till the end of time? . . .

i'm ready to risk it all

& take the fall . . .

to trust you & put my heart on the line,

to be yours & make you mine . . .

i'm willing to put it all in the past,

so darling, please tell me

do you want us to last?