what happened to lifetimes...

what happened to endless exploration...

what happened to forever never being enough...

you just wanted something to hold against me.

What can we bring to the table if we don't even have a table?

it's sad how
everyone who treat you poorly
are the same ones
who tell you
you don't deserve
to be treated that way.

google search:
"what counts as physical assault?"

                                ~ as if my experience is less than valid to count.

I remember digging my toes into the thick, goopy mud in our overgrown backyard when I was a little girl.

I remember running home from the dirt-dusted bus stop with my siblings, trying to beat the shadows of the clouds cast by the sun.

I remember the hug of the summer air, enveloping me like a second skin.

I remember the fiery pain of the hornet stinger beneath my right foot.

I remember my older brother dunking his slice of watermelon into salt and taking a bite out of it, red sticky juice dripping down his chin and wrist with an absence of grace.

I remember hearing the off-key song of the ice cream truck, faint but within earshot.

I remember my mom waking me up to eat a steaming bowl of brown-sugared oatmeal in the middle of the night, just because.

I remember the thud of his loving heartbeat against the bumpy skin of my warm chest.

I remember jumping as high as possible to yank off the juicy oranges, the size of a softball, from the tree.

I remember her knotted, gray, no-longer-stray fur nuzzling against my faded jeans as if she’s always loved me.

I remember holding his hand, winter-wind-dry, cold, and skinny just moments before breaking up with him.

I remember the soft autumn mist, creating a veil of gray across the football field.

I remember how slippery with sweat my skin was on the suffocating bus ride home in September.

I remember how my dad packed his lunch the same way every day; 7 baby carrots, 2 granola bars, 1 banana, 12 potato chips, 1 bologna and American cheese sandwich with mayonnaise.

I remember his beige Coleman lunch box with the maroon lid, rough and smelled of plastic, too-ripe banana, and “Dad”.

I remember the thin skin beneath my eyes, rubbed raw, flaky, and salt-ruined after countless hours of darkness.

I remember sitting with my stubby girl legs spread out in front of me on the wooden kitchen floor, dipping cinnamon cookies into pink and blue yogurt.

I remember our first kiss, stiff and clumsy, but electric…gentle…and not enough.

I remember the look of loss hidden behind my dad’s smile as we grew smaller in the airport security on Father’s Day.

I grew up being told,
"people won't always remember what you said, but
they'll never forget how you made them feel."

It has been too long
for me to not have
noticed
that you consistently
leave me feeling like
you love
seeing me
hurting.

9
13-9-19-19
25-15-21

"he's looking at you"

he says.

"no he's not..."

i deny.

"i'm not even in his view..."

i say.

You think you know me.

You think you know exactly how I feel when I'm hurting.

You think you know what I go through every day.

You think you understand the trauma I have to live with.

But how little you know...

The sun sets
orange & pink
across our eyes,
blue & brown.

We talk like always,
although we know
it will be the last time.

I think of the moment
I felt safest with you
& loved by you.

We smile in silence.

I give you a song
while we leave
each other,
never truly left.

Overwhelmed, I unexpectedly cry.

"Who needs a tissue?"
I playfully ask, tossing aside my pain,
when I have your hand
wiping away the tears with gentle care?

Never enough...

Unable to walk away,
"I believe in us"
you say.

You watch as I walk away,
I look back over my shoulder
& the music fades...

I never want to leave you again...

as the sky changes from bright baby blue
to soft yet vivid oranges, golds, pinks, and violets

we see psychologists
instead of each other

we go home
instead of dinner, together

i do my homework
instead of looking into your icy blue eyes
to feel everything you feel,
those silent, wordless conversations
that fall between us..

you quietly watch films by yourself
instead of gently pressing your lips
against mine..

I don't know why I
foolishly waited
for you to say
"Happy Valentine's Day".

I don't know why I
foolishly waited
for you to
pick me up and swing me around
like you were happy to see me.

I don't know why I
foolishly waited
for you to pull me close
kiss me slowly
softly
gently.

I don't know why I
foolishly waited
for you to
tell me how much you want to make me feel wanted and loved by you.

I don't know why I
foolishly thought
you would do all of these things.

I don't know why I
am always surprised
when you
laugh at me
instead of listening to me
when I need you to...

I don't know why I
still allow you to hurt me
somehow, even while my guard is up.

I don't know why I
still let you in
knowing you can walk away so easily
and let me walk away
while I cry...

I don't know why I
am still lying to myself, saying
"he does care for me..."
"he does want me..."
"he does need me..."
"he does know me..."
"he does see me..."
"he does understand me..."
"he does love me..."
"he doesn't want to hurt me..."

i don't hate anything.

but i hate this.

i hate it when it consumes me and when i give it the power to take over my mind and break my own heart..

i hate when i can't pull myself out of drowning in it..

i hate it when i forget..

i hate it when i forget who i am and how strong and sensitive i am..

i hate it when i forget and hurt you instead of love you..

i hate that i think that telling you would have made you understand so you could help me when it pulls me under.. suffocating me.. suffocating you..

and every single time this happens..
all i think about is
e v e r y t h i n g . . .

memories of warmer skies

feeling distant with each breath i take..

the deep conversations we've held between your baby blue eyes and my wide chocolate ones..

the way neither of us have to say a word to know what the other was thinking or feeling..

the warmth of your skin accidentally grazing against mine..

asking if i would ever get to trace the tips of my fingers gently along the constellation of your scars, healing the hurt of your past as i go..

never fully realizing until after just how much damage i, myself am inflicting..

memorizing the sound of your voice because i feel as if i would never hear it again..

asking if i would ever feel the beating of your heart pounding out of your chest as we slowly bring our lips together..

studying the lines of your face because it feels like an impossibility to ever be so close to you again..

wondering if i will ever feel protected by you or if i will ever get to protect you, knowing it's impossible when i'm the one thing hurting you..

remembering the soft drifting snowflakes i gently brushed from your brow..

or the first time we embraced beneath the warm May spring rain..

replaying every thoughtful and adoring thing we've ever said..

the friendly smiles shared and laughs from goofy things only we'd understand..

wondering if i would ever feel brave enough to sign "i love you" from across the room to you..

always hoping but never fully believing that, each time, after what i do.. you would ever... ever want to see me again..

Amongst a sea of gray faces frozen in a grimace,

I stand unmoved, vivacious, bubbling, & beaming . . .

This subterranean city in which we build our lives,

Only to realize we don't have to forever.

I am learning how to break my chains . . .

The darkness raucously surrounding & determined to suffocate anyone who lets it,

I face with fear to over power it until I am no longer afraid . . .

I reach the other side
where all I feel is warm, immense jubilance
& magnificent colors . . .

This life is once
& a beautiful grandeur
we no longer have to endure . . .

It is our choice,
to take for granted or unearth
our true voice . . .

we will
speak in
songs
and
cursive lines
and
soft looks
from
across the
room
until
i am
no longer
sorry
for
loving
and
until
you know
how you
feel.
until we
both know
how
to say
what we
want...
desire...
need.

tummy aches

& bad dreams.

lightning storms

& rolling thunder.

blankets piled high

& frost-nipped toes.

fears yet to be discovered

rational or irrational?

nightmares of obsessing over what to wear

meanwhile you aren't thinking of me . . .

night terrors of overthinking myself

but your parents don't like me after all.

i wake up

i wake up

wiping a warm tear from rolling down my flushed cheek

& i am relieved

but proceed with caution now . . .

these are the bad dreams that are far more frightening, because they feel far too real. . . far too possible. . .

i sit up & get a glimpse of my clock as the moon watches me, bold & bright, from it's place in the vast indigo sky, staring right at me, wishing it could provide any kind of comfort but knows it can't.

the night is slow & still too young,

but i hope that it's okay that i am thinking of us . . .

so much that has yet to unfold

& we said we have all of the time in the world,

we said there's no need to rush,

but darling i feel the urge to let you know

that i want us to last

i want us to last

i want to have something to hold

something to fight for

something to protect

something so soft but so sure . . .

& i know it's been a while

but i want something real

something honest

something unbreakable

something resilient

darling, i want to bounce back stronger with no one else but you . . .

i've done my time

i've payed my dues

i've looked for years & found what i want

what i need

what i desire

& then you stopped by

just to say hi

& changed the way i look at everything . . .

i've had my days

i've changed my ways

from parties & plays

to long dreamy summer days . . .

i've had my expectations

i've had my demands,

i've had my moments & mistakes

my passions & pitfalls . . .

i lost myself

in order to come back to a stronger & perpetually evolving imperfect version,

always simultaneously a

work in progress

and a

mastermind masterpiece

an effortless work of art that dove straight through endless golden summers full of pipe dreams & rose-colored lenses

to falling straight into the arms of seemingly endless rainy gray days full of melancholy, pining, & heart aches . . .

i've served my sentence

i've asked my questions,

but most importantly i've gotten my answers.

every last one of them, but you . . .

i just need to know now darling, am i the something you want too? . . .

can i be your everything, nothing more nothing less? . . .

& if you say yes, would it be the truth & nothing but the truth? . . .

darling, can i be yours & you be mine,

constant & 'till the end of time? . . .

i'm ready to risk it all

& take the fall . . .

to trust you & put my heart on the line,

to be yours & make you mine . . .

i'm willing to put it all in the past,

so darling, please tell me

do you want us to last?

i know what you wanted
under the light of the moon

the summer of summers,
a lifetime cut short too soon

that night that you kissed me
after the circus,
it felt like i finally had a purpose

your lips, my lips
one touch & i'm left wordless

parking lot seagulls,
but we rose above the flock,
swooning, swooping, & flying high like eagles

i don't normally just say things out of the blue
but with you it's natural, with you i just do

i don't normally like rollercoasters
but darling, with you i'd ride them forever
like a teenager loves her boy band posters

now that you're gone
i can't help but think i've done something wrong,
if i wrote all that i feel
this song would be way too long

i don't normally drink
don't allow myself to even think,
i don't normally drink
but darling, i'm wasted on you

sharing bites of mac & cheese
love, i'd let you back in
all you have to say is please

if i can't have you by my side,
i'd end up dreaming of us each night

i don't have you by my side,
they say i'm living, but i call that dying

i can't have you by my side,
if i told them you were, i'd be lying

getting tipsy 'til i'm dizzy
off the wine we once bought,
even while everything's a blur
it's only you i never forgot

i close my eyes
& can still remember the taste
of peach on your tongue,
when i'm old i swear i'll look back
& still remember when we were young

i don't normally drink
don't allow myself to even think,
i don't normally drink
but darling, i'm wasted on you

you left me for your darker days,
but darling tell me
were they brighter with me in them?

i thought we were fighting,
but it turned out we were just dying
tell me how it's somehow worse
that we were never playing or lying?

you had to go
when i wanted us to grow,
i wondered what we'd be like in the snow,
i'll never have a christmas with you
so i guess we'll never know

i don't normally drink
don't allow myself to even think,
i don't normally drink
but darling, i'm wasted on you

top off the glass,
"the sorrow won't last",
you should be here with me
laughing & dancing beneath this northern rain,
with nothing to lose & everything to gain

nothing feels right
knowing you were going to be here
until you decided you shouldn't,
how is that worse than the fact that you couldn't?

one...three...ten or thirteen,
whisky & wine
until i say "i'm fine, i'm fine..."

i don't normally drink
don't allow myself to even think,
i don't normally drink
but darling, i'm wasted on you

i ran from the cabin & into the woods,
i thought i saw us among the trees
what we once had, they never understood

running, chasing, searching, falling...
my friends had to stop me
& tell me it was nothing

i don't normally drink
don't allow myself to even think,
i don't normally drink
but darling, i'm wasted on you

i don't normally drink
don't allow myself to even think,
i don't normally drink
but darling, i'm wasted on you

dear j,

"leaves are on the ground, fall has come...blue skies turning gray, like my love...i tried to carry you, and make you whole...but it was never enough, i must go...and who is gonna save you when i'm gone?...and who will watch over you when i'm gone?...you say you cared for me, but hide it well...how can you love someone, not yourself?...who will break your fall, who will you blame?...i can't go on and let you lose it all, more than i can take...who will ease your pain?...ease your pain...and who will give you strength when you're not strong?...who will watch over you when i'm gone away?...snow is on the ground, winter's come...you long to hear my voice, but i'm long gone..."

your eyes met mine today, twice.
i looked away..
did you mean that?
pinch me...maybe i was still asleep?

when we wake up,
are we still together? . . .

i can't help but think
about your bare wrist...

i can't help but think
about your bare wrist . . .

"you're not getting rid of me that easy"
i hear you say...

"you're stuck with me"
on repeat...

your voice once warm & sounding like home,
making me flinch awaiting pain to follow as my stomach turns from immense sadness...

i wish you would want me too..
i wish i felt like home to you..
comfort..

i want to fall for you
without caution . . .
i'm not ashamed of loving you . . .

are my fingers still tightly
laced with yours? . . .
i don't know.
yet part of me knows.
and that's the scariest thing
i could feel..

"it's hard to feel you slipping through
my fingers are so numb..."

i reach outward into the dark for you...

are you still there? . . .

i long to hear your voice.

are you long gone? . . .

sincerely,
d

one.
my own blood abhors me.

two.
i will always remain
myself
and there will always be
others
who will paint me with colors
on their own palette
while wearing one-way mirror lenses.

~~~~~

our love & forgiveness
is not the same.

your words won't hurt me anymore.
because i know that they aren't true.
our mother taught me that.

i know what i know . . .
i know what i feel . . .
i know why i feel it . . .
i know what i know . . .

we are not the same.

i have seen what hate does.
so i never let it do it to me.

i see the bad & the ugly,
and i choose not to treat others
differently because of it.

because that is what He would do . . .

because that is who i am too.
we are not the same.

i can hate what someone does,
but i will never hate them.

we are not the same.

i choose to love.

i choose to not let it
eat me up from the inside out.

i choose peace within myself.

yet you see it as stupidity . . .
and arrogance . . .
and blindness . . .
and weakness . . .
and cluelessness . . .

but i know that it is my biggest strength.
i cannot shatter anymore . . .
i surprised myself.
(this is not a crime)

simultaneity.

it won't bother me.

i am sorry that you choose to let it do this to you.
i cannot convince you . . .

i can and will always be what i am
and there will always be one.
(why did it have to be you? . . .)

i will grow and change but remain the same,
deepest.

i choose to see & love anyway.

though, i don't choose to stay
where i am repeatedly hurt,
no longer loved,
manipulated,
invalidated,
minimized . . .

i can be
sensitive
and
strong.

i can be
quiet
and
intelligent.

i can be
unapologetically myself
and
humble.

i can be
protective
and
vulnerable.

i can be
sightful
and
loving.

we are not the same.

but i hope one day we will be.

We don't mind it,
when it's winter.

You & I.

Because it gives us
one more excuse
to hold each other
closer.

Dream after dream
Of you not wanting me...

feeling no regret when you hurt me..

"hurting you is the last thing i ever want to do..."

you leave me with ease..

"if i ever found out i hurt you, i would hate myself forever..."

you hurt me with pleasure..

why would i ever hear you say you're sorry..

feeling no remorse..

do you like it?

does it feel good, knowing?

maybe if you saw the look on my face..

the surprise in my eyes..

the deafening silence and quiet gasp that escapes from my lips..

the tears that fall from my cheeks..

as i cup my hand over my mouth..suppress the sound..no one knows how deep you cut me..

the blood-pink flush that colors my cheeks

every time you make me your villain..

make me your villain...

you will never make me your lover...