I'd rather be hurt with honesty than lied to and still get hurt.

you closed your eyes and smiled...told me how much you loved feeling my gentle touch...
and how that alone was more than enough...

now you don't want to come anywhere near me...

Amongst a sea of gray faces frozen in a grimace,

I stand unmoved, vivacious, bubbling, & beaming . . .

This subterranean city in which we build our lives,

Only to realize we don't have to forever.

I am learning how to break my chains . . .

The darkness raucously surrounding & determined to suffocate anyone who lets it,

I face with fear to over power it until I am no longer afraid . . .

I reach the other side
where all I feel is warm, immense jubilance
& magnificent colors . . .

This life is once
& a beautiful grandeur
we no longer have to endure . . .

It is our choice,
to take for granted or unearth
our true voice . . .

****** if we do
****** if we don't.

It didn't take long
for you to realize
this has been a breath
of fresh air.

Deprived of reassurance,
while you know that's what I need.

I've felt everything
I need to feel to know
how much I mean.

How foolish of me.
It won't be long...

Don't look for me
when all you've taught me
is how to rely on no one but myself
when I needed you most.

My mind pressed
Replay
Replay
Replay

Please,
I listen to what you
say

I don't want to walk
away

But hurt me
& I will one
day.

i really wish i knew what you feel when you look at me now.

The second I hear the first
note on those black & white keys,
the first few words
sung
my eyes are desperately
searching for you.
Darting back and fourth across the room.
Salty seas welling up inside of my eyes.

My soul is longing to feel
connected with yours again.
Liberated.
I feel you listening to our song
too somewhere.

Though I cannot see you,
I know you are there.
We exist on a completely different plane
than everyone else.
Far off & together.
One mind,
One heart.

Most of the time
I feel outnumbered.
An army of thoughts
out to push me into a corner
& make me feel small.
I must not let them.
I will not let them.

I am strong
enough to lift myself up
& hold my head up high
enough to see the hopeful sun
rising above the horizon.
But there's always a part inside of me
that wants to be protected by you.
A part inside of me
that wants to be saved by you
from myself.

This, I want to be for you.
Protect you,
know you,
care for you.
When you feel outnumbered
& the darkness is closing in,
I will be there by you
to remind them that the two of us together
can undeniably outnumber armies of them.

World still spins
Onward & outward it goes
Undeniably unapologetic
New, old, borrowed, blue
Downward & upward we go

paranoia.
guilt?
shame.

shadows dancing down the stairwell.
wide-eyed side glances toward the hall.

flashback:

slouched
like a crescent moon.
vulnerable like never before,
i allow myself to be seen
as i sink further into the brown fabric.

"you just sunk your ship deeper."

fear-striken eyes.
no . . . used to the defeat.

trembling fingertips
aimlessly yet methodically
tapping at glass.
hopeless.
useless.

tear-stained cheeks,
rubbed-raw skin
& bloodshot eyes.
hallows beneath my
chocolate brown
windows.

a heat-kissed flush
paints my face
as i gingerly sweep
a curtain of hair
from my view.

my view of my
nightmare.
only i'm not asleep.

fast forward:

frozen.
silent.
listening for footsteps.
coward
no . . .
guilt?
no . . .
shame.

i just sunk my ship deeper.

I want to
make love to your
s o u l
& feel it pulling me in
closer when I look
into your eyes . . .

Don't say one thing
then do another

Don't tell me
you never want to
hurt me
while you carve your
name onto my heart
with your knife
then say you didn't know

the days have been brighter since you came along
(:

Silent was the sound of you when i asked what was wrong.
To make it through this week is the greatest goal of all.
Ontario was the lake where i found out i was beautiful.
Never will i ever not feel love for you somewhere in these bones.
Exit signs glow red across the dim empty room.
Stones to skip or stones to build a forever home.

Treacherous is the path we'd have to take to outlast, outrun.
Onward we'd rise, radiate, rectify, resil...

Sadness left me empty, sadness left me whole.
Knowing you're okay is all i could ask for.
Is it too soon to know?
Perfect was the night you came to see me when i missed you most.

I bite my tongue
until it bleeds
with my heart.
My foot slowly
pressing harder on
the gas pedal.
Heart pounding. Racing.
Racing my thoughts.
I close my eyes.
Zero to sixty
in a forty-five.
I am blessed & cursed.
I feel too much
too deeply
too often.
Everything, I take
to heart.
You know, yet here I sit
aching replaying words you said
& words you never said.
Vivid images replay in my mind;
You watching me walk away
when I needed you the most..
Zero to sixty.
I wonder what pain
would you feel if I
were gone?
Desperately needing
to know how much I
really mean to you.
Zero to sixty.
This is wrong.
I try to strip the thoughts
from my mind.
Stuck in my head,
struggling to keep my head
above the waves again.
Show me..
Show me these
"what if's" don't have a
need for existence...

we will
speak in
songs
and
cursive lines
and
soft looks
from
across the
room
until
i am
no longer
sorry
for
loving
and
until
you know
how you
feel.
until we
both know
how
to say
what we
want...
desire...
need.

I noticed your pen ran out of ink mid-sentence,
you changed the color to teal.

I notice the sigh that softly huffs out from between your lips,
You smile anyways.

I notice the fiction within that smile,
It's broken but it will always remain beautiful.

I noticed your gaze casted away from me as you swallowed the lump in your throat,
I am sorry this is so frustrating & perpetual.

I notice your soul within the window of your eyes,
you're searching for something...anything to hold on to as you are being tossed around, about & beneath the surface of the seven seas.

you were the only one
who ever made me feel
like i could simply be me
& not worry once about
how you saw me or
what you thought of me.

you were the only one
who ever made this life
feel easy. soft. bright.

you were the one that
made everything before you
fade away to nothing...
none of it mattered anymore...
the hurt...the darkness...the aching.

you were the only one
who could have left hours ago
but i'd still be left smiling
because of you.

you were the only one
who ever heard me sing.
loudly, obnoxious, & without
fear.

you were the only one
who ever touched me
before you ever even touched me.

you were the one who
made everything feel light,
the mundane feel beautiful,
the ordinary feel extraordinary,
& the trivial feel profound.

you were the one who
did enough...more than...always.

you were the one who
made me see i can be
brave. vulnerable. and trusting.

you were the one who
taught me i could be
nothing less...nothing more
than me. who i am in the moment.

you were the only one
who encouraged me to
be everything i am, & to hide
nothing.

and you saw me.
you took me for what i
so unapologetically was (am).

you were the one
i felt most comfortable with.
most natural.
most easy.
most trustworthy.
most honest.
most authentic.
most everything.

you were the one
with which happiness came
so easy, so genuine.

you were also the only one
that had the power to take
it all away...

we were everything
i could have asked for
and everything more . . .

not a day that went by
did the lull become dull.

every waking moment that passed,
only deepened the ache
that roared within
these weary bones.

every atom
every cell
every heart beat
every inhale
every exhale
and with every fiber
of my being,
do i still want you.

i wanted you then
i want you now

will you want me too?

every moment
every memory
every glance
every touch

you live inside of me now,
from the moment our
souls collided
like the inevitability
of the thrashing navy waves
crashing upon the rocks at shore.

"i had all
and then most of you,
some, and now none of you..."

i find you in the gold sunrises,
i find you in the pink sunsets.

i find you in the california poppies,
and among the ripe sweet figs.

i find you between the branches and rained-on leaves,
park benches and hearts on sleeves.

i find you in the supermarket flowers,
i find you in the browning pages between my fingers . . .

mostly, i find you in the words.
the words between the soft melodies
and heavy harmonies . . .

the songs i used to throw myself into
i consciously avoid,
like a wound you are too afraid to rip
the bandage off too soon in case it hasn't
healed fully . . .

yet it's all i feel i have left of you . . .

darling
you never called me by my name

darling . . .
don't leave me,
not now
not ever . . .

the time,
reckless.
abandoning ship
as it uncontrollably
tears through all
sense and space.

the time . . .
the time we lost,
never saved . . .

time we had,
never made . . .

the time we made,
never had . . .

never paused,
never tamed . . .

not reclaimed,
just replayed . . .

To know you
and the depths
that you are afraid to show.
To unbutton your shirt
and make love to your soul.
And see you
for everything and all that you truly are
and love your heart even more,
despite your scars.

i'm sorry if i seem distant

i'm sorry if i seem different

i'm sorry if i seem like i don't have as much to say like i used to

i'm just trying to give you some space

some space from me, i suppose

if that's what you feel you need.

i miss the days we used to talk
and laugh
and feel
and glance
and share
and care
and connect
and love...
those days seemed to shine
a little more brightly. . .
didn't they? . . .

feeling feverish as i sit up in bed, bathed & with half-way-to-sleep eyes.

i just want to know that you're still mine, and i yours.

i've been writing for two hours now, i think!?...

my hair is drying a little too fast before i get the chance to blow-dry it.

it's 12:08 a.m. and i'm wondering if you got home safely.

i want to paint my nails your favorite color,

but i don't want to risk losing you.

magnificent - mundane

undeniable - grog & grain

how do you spell "gray"? with an 'a' or an 'e' before the 'y'?

the only ones who can ***** out our flame is us.

which brings both great relief but also IMMENSE fear.

simultaneity has been a close friend the past couple of years.

can we make this flame into a fire, one that can keep us warm through these cold, uncertain nights?

"i've never moved so quickly from feeling so sure to feeling so lost in such little time."

i wish it still felt like summertime.

"just keep being your sweet self", you whispered through the phone

i could hear the sleep in your voice & ache in your heart.

you still know me better than most, even if you don't know my favorite ice cream flavor.

i kind of love it
when it all falls apart.
because then i know
it will only become
better than it ever was.

& i no longer daydream
about a life where
sadness is starring in
my own movie.

you no longer make me feel loveable..

i always knew i wanted to be with someone who would make me feel loveable even when i am at my absolute worst..my darkest..deepest, most vulnerable and real moments..

and i no longer feel that with you..

what's changed?

us.

and maybe we were perfect for each other, then..

but then we changed and now we're not?..

maybe you were who i needed...wanted...desired...

maybe  i was who you needed...wanted...desired...

but then we changed

and maybe now, the new you is not who i need...want...

maybe now, the new..temporary me is not who you need...want...crave...

i mirror you.
i wait for your every move
to predict mine.

i don't want to hold back anymore.
i can feel everything inside of me
changing for the better...

i want to love fearlessly.
loudly..
endlessly..
unconditionally..
surely..
passi­onately..
the way i do..

i will love without shame..

i don't want to
overthink every expression..
interpret every gesture..
analyze every word..
ruminate every action..

i no longer want to hold back & wait to see if the other person feels for me as intensely as i for them..

otherwise..
i would only be taking and depriving them of all of the love i have bottled up inside of me..
i would be waiting for a perfect time that will never come..
and they will walk away
thinking i never loved them at all.

i want to just say things..
just go for it..
no hesitation to express or allow myself to feel..

because what else is there, but love?
because how much time do we have until it all runs out?
and who can say they know...

Not being able
to love you
is exhausting.

there's a house where the basement you almost drove us into used to be. the night you'd skip songs that were almost over. if i were one of them, would you let me play through the end?

night shadowy shades of grayish green, flashes of red across your face, a fist always close to your chin. always beautiful even when you shouldn't be.

the sound of you moving is enough to get me going. fabric on fabric like distant music only i can hear.

suddenly your face is everywhere and nowhere. in cars that look like yours but aren't. strangers now familiar features, head-turners and double-takers. it's always been you, even when it wasn't. even when i didn't know.

nothing will change

nothing has ever felt this natural

i have never felt this happy

with anyone

i've never felt so safe to be me

you make me feel easy to love

like i can just be me & so can you

i want to do that for you

& you do that for me.

i haven't washed my hair for three days..

it isn't like me..

you've hated me for three months..

it isn't like you..

is this the new normal..the way i'm supposed to live..

live with all of the what if's and possibilities and how things could have gone differently..

i'm leaving soon and i will try to tell you..but you will say you "can't talk"..

i will be gone and will you be sad?..

will you remember my kindness..my mess..the beautiful parts of me as well as the ugly, deep, and dark...the way i was always so excited but too shy to show it sometimes...the way i was so sensitive and didn't know that that was my biggest strength...the way i was so protective over you because i never wanted to lose what we had..

the way you would make everyone laugh to distract them from noticing how hurt you really were...did anyone else see you the way i saw you?...the way you'd sigh, never knowing i could hear them...the way you'd walk to your car with your hands in your pockets, eyes never straying away from the sidewalk...lost in your spiraling messy mind-spaghetti-thoughts...the way you shivered when you told me you weren't cold just so you could be there for me when i needed you...the way you carried me to the car...i should have held you tighter...longer...pressed your lips against mine and told you how i really felt about you...maybe you would still be here if i had...

the way we would look at each other from across the room and know exactly what the other was feeling without a single word needing to be said...the way we'd pause between kisses..lips slightly parted..you were my oxygen..

will you feel the hole in your chest the way i will?..

will you feel my absence?..

will you see me when you look at the peach and periwinkle clouds..

will you see me when you see those tiny white flowers on the side of the road..

will you see me when you see white cars passing by on the road while you drive home after long exhausting work days..

will you see me when you hear "Slow Dance In A Parking Lot" playing in the background while you eat with your friends at Texas Roadhouse..

will you see me?..

will you see me the way i will see you..

will you?

will you . . .

you are the softest color i have ever touched

your eyes a certain shade of nature at it's most overlooked finest.

my feelings for you are as pure as the snowflakes that drift slowly from the pale blue-gray sky that decorate your soft *****-blonde hair

i just see the beauty in every little thing that you do, no matter how trivial...the things that no one else seems to notice, not even you, sometimes.

the subtle movements of your eyes when you speak or the furrow of your brow while you're on the phone...the way calmness washes over your expression when i walk through the door or the way you take off your winter coat...the barely-there dimple that forms on your right cheek when you grin while petting my dog or the way your speech slows when you notice me tracing your name on your back...the faces you make while telling stories or how flushed you get when i tell you how much you mean to me...the way you tie your shoes like you did when you first learned how or the way you say goodbye when we're done talking on the phone...

only one month has passed us by, but i feel at peace knowing that there will be many, many more . . .

I step onto the cold glass...

under 100.

is something wrong with me?...

I feel okay

but the numbers keep dropping.