i showed you the garden,
it had been too long.

i see you in everything,
fires, scars, stars, flowers.

you loved the morning glory,
you'd never seen anything like it before.

Mental health took a dive into the deep end and I don't know how to swim.

I wish you were here
to wipe away the fear
that
f
a
l
l
s
from my eyes
from asking all my "why's?"

Tired of all these sighs
from hiding all these cries.

Thinking we have spies
to keep us from our tries.

you knew
she would
never leave
you

so you
take her
for granted

and take
advantage
of her
forgiveness
and love
she feely
gives
as if
it was
never
going to
go away . .

standing within the thick warm fabric
in the bleak midwinter breeze..
no chill biting my bones this time..
the fever is settling within my violet veins..
i stare off into the distance,
looking at nothing in particular..
windchimes twinkling in the distance,
to the left and never heard again..
i close my eyes and let them rest a second..
i breathe in and exhale with parted lips..
hoping that when i open my eyes,
this will be only a bad dream..
but the ache still lives within every corner and crevice
within my beating heart..
an airplane crosses overhead,
blinking red and orange..
i thought it was a lantern,
the kind i wanted to release into the painted sky with you..
the lamp post shining a little too brightly,
the way it had once shown onto your moonlit face
when you were still with me..
when will you stop hating me?..
i ask myself every day you look away
but still tell me i'm yours..
what do you feel when you see me?..
surely it couldn't be the same things i do
when i see you..
i pretent you read these..
i pretend you know when i'm there..
i pretend you love me..
i pretend it doesn't still hurt..
i pretend you still stare..
when will this be over?..
i can't wait..
whether it'll be an ending or just the beginning,
i can't wait to know the truth..
for now i dance by myself..
for now i sing to no one..
for now i write to anyone who will listen..
for now i walk the same paths without you by my side to explore them..
for now i sigh with no one to feel them..
for now i cry with no one to hear it..
for now i live without you, and i'll just have to bear it..

Amongst a sea of gray faces frozen in a grimace,

I stand unmoved, vivacious, bubbling, & beaming . . .

This subterranean city in which we build our lives,

Only to realize we don't have to forever.

I am learning how to break my chains . . .

The darkness raucously surrounding & determined to suffocate anyone who lets it,

I face with fear to over power it until I am no longer afraid . . .

I reach the other side
where all I feel is warm, immense jubilance
& magnificent colors . . .

This life is once
& a beautiful grandeur
we no longer have to endure . . .

It is our choice,
to take for granted or unearth
our true voice . . .

Not a bite to eat.
limbs cold & trembling
at the peak of summer.
I just want a place to rest my head.
Spinning,
fading in & out.
The life around me
closing in...
Heavy breathing
& traffic lights
blurry.
Vivid flashing reds.
Blinding shimmering greens.
Brilliant blinking yellows.
Thoughts,
unwelcomed guests.
Overstaying their welcome
as if they were even invited
to begin with.
It never goes as I expect.
I thought I would feel
safe.
But I only felt like someone else.
I withdrew...
I had my heart ready,
in my hands to be placed
into yours once again.
I can no longer ignore
when it tells me they are the
wrong hands...
I placed it carefully
back into it's cage
& kept it safe from you..

We are urged to
stay home
when we feel
physically ill

When may I
stay home
when I feel
mentally ill?

A gray cloud
hangs over me

I don't wish for it to stay...

I send smiles and hearts
and exclamation marks,
but I don't feel those things
today...

The oceans within my eyes
are begging to escape
but I do not let them.

I comfort myself
when no one else
will.

I know that you are busy,
so I will go.

I no longer feel your love,
so I will go.

I wish you would
want me to stay enough
to stop me.

My hands tremble,
I wash my face with cold water,
painted blush onto my cheeks
so I look healthier
than I really feel,
I tuck my laces in,
and turn the key.

I pretend to feel like me
for four and a half hours
after three.

i told you
i told you.

so it wasn't like it was a surprise
it shouldn't have been a surprise.

a few words could make you run
were you always on the run?

i told you i was fine
are we ever really fine?

but i don't want to enter the new year without you
i don't want to without you . . .

i walk past you
with your puppy-dog eyes
following her

it's funny how you become
a total stranger
when she's around

does she even know
we still talk?

are we an item?
are we a figment?
a work of fiction or
a smear of pigment?

does she really know you? . . .
does she really see you? . . .

i walk past you again
& again & again
& i'm convinced
i must be translucent...

a phantasm
a mere spectating specter
a presence
a ghost...

even after all this time
you still pull
cheap moves
on the one that might
care about you the most.

cursed with a broken replay button.

sometimes it's beautiful..

sometimes it's painful.

but tonight, was beige..

neutral. natural. beige.

i always leave

but i never really leave.

stuck on repeat

repeat

rewind

repeat

replay

repeat

relive

repeat

r­e-feel

repeat. . .

i relive a moment over and over
long after it has taken place.

sometimes it's beautiful..

sometimes it's painful.

and i won't sleep
until i get this one right.

I must be foolish
for thinking
that the way we talked,
the words we said,
the glances we shared
were only enough
to be
"just friends"

i kind of love it
when it all falls apart.
because then i know
it will only become
better than it ever was.

& i no longer daydream
about a life where
sadness is starring in
my own movie.

our eyes met today.
a familiar stranger..
i fell in love with your soul all over again..
and i'm sorry...
i'm trying to let you go,
for you, my love...
i keep telling myself
you didn't mean to look my way..
but it happened three times..
was it a mistake? . . .
was i? . . .

if there is ever a 'next time',
i will allow myself to linger...
i will allow myself to feel the hard ground beneath my feet and through my legs...
gravity pulling the weight of my body inwards towards the molten core of the earth..
feeling my breath quicken and become heavy..
i never knew a look
could shake me
the way ours do . . .

was it enough?
those few fleeting seconds..
was it enough to make you love me again? . . .

what do my eyes reveal?...
do you see my truth?...
could you ever love it...
want it...
or only leave it where you found it . . .

the time i wrote your name in the snow..
the necklace i would wear with a little golden "J"..
those nights i would graze my fingers across the paint strokes, thinking about you carefully placed each and every one..for me..
the cologne i bought just to wear when i missed your scent..
it was never enough . . .

all the music..
all the memories..
all the words..
all the glances..
all the stories..
all the thoughts..
all the laughs..
all the emotions..
all of the things we want to do...

all the things we once shared that was only between us..
how much of it is only between us?
what was all of it supposed to lead to?

will we ever get to dance beneath the drifting snow..
will i ever get to gently brush the soft falling snowflakes from your brow...
and kiss you beneath the pouring rain again?
i have forgotten the sound of your voice..
will we ever be a team?
will i ever get to protect you?...
will i ever get to make you mine? . . .

i look at you
and i try not to feel
the wounds reopening..
your last words to me
cut my chest open
and reminded me just how fragile i truly am..
only you can hurt me . .

i wait everyday
for the day you decide
you don't want me after all..
is that what i'm waiting for?...
could i ever be prepared
to watch you love someone else?...
what could ever prepare me . . .

"i know i'm not made in your likeness..
you're not made for my darkness"
but who will see me?..
and who will see you?...
have you found the one that was made for you?...
do you feel seen?
do you feel more...
do they love you better than i do?...
will they want to know what eats you up from the inside out?..
will they love your darkness?..
will they love it the way i do . . .

You are made up of your
past & present
thoughts
feelings
beliefs
emotions
ideas
actions
words
mi­stakes
& victories.

But these things do not define who you are.
They are a reflection of
who you were
who you were trying to be
who you are
& who you are becoming.

It is only human of you
to look back at your journey
& feel a n g e r
towards yourself for saying the words you said
doing the things you did
making the mistakes you made
& even not saying the words you maybe should have.

But it is also only human of you
to do all of those things.
You must forgive yourself
free yourself
allow yourself to let go
allow yourself to make room
for more mistakes
more heartaches
more pathways for the new journey ahead of you.

There is so much more that lies ahead
than what is behind you.

It's only human of you

~ forgive yourself ~

It's only human of you

I open the door
to a richly-colored sky
painted with
vivid pinks & oranges,
golds & violets.

A field of hydrangeas
surrounds us
as a monarch
crosses my vision
to the sky...

An evolution of the self,
A transformation
to a new me.

I see you there,
I only feel happy...

Overflowing with love
for you,
will you let me love you
the way I know I can?

You saved me from
drowning
even when you didn't
know how to swim.

"In this together"...
I hear.

We embrace
but I only feel
alert...protecting us.

Protecting us from
division,
no one will hurt us,
no one will divide us,
no one will take us away.

I walk with you
hand in hand,
only feeling warm
& free...myself.

I will always be here
for you.

A dream
of foreshadow
I pray.
A new & happier me.
A loved & loving us.

dear j,

"damaged finds damaged"

your honesty will never scare me.

it can only hurt me.

("my name in your mouth is like  p o e t r y..
no matter what happens,
no matter how much self-work i do,
a part of me will always miss the home
that is you.")

and i'm okay with that.

sincerely,
d

Red car

& red-stained cheeks
from this fever love gave me.

Words I haven't yet spoken

Always there.

Who do you see that I am?

My glass heart aches

Pounding out of my chest for you.

We're not dead.

Could you love me (again)?

I will listen to your heart &
anything it has to say to me.

Press your ear against
the warmth of my bare skin
& listen to mine.

Would you hear the
o c e a n  waves thrashing
within my ivory gate?

Waiting & longing to
flood into you...

I want you to have the key
that unlocks it
but I can't give it away to you
that easily...

You would drown in my sea
of love & mess.

Empty stomach.

The butterflies are hungry

Only by my eyes meeting you again
will they be fed.

what does the playlist of us look like?

what songs are within it?

what are the words...

the lyrics...are there words?...

what does the music sound like?

dramatic cinematic orchestra swelling up
as the harmonies and melodies come together in unity
with the rising and falling
of the strings and black and white keys...

is it on repeat?

is it on pause?

is it stopped forever?...

9
13-9-19-19
25-15-21

you say you want me
to open up...
let you in...
show you the source
of the hurt..

so i do.
i trust you wouldn't
hurt me..
betray me..

and every time
i fall for it.

you graze your fingers
across my rib cage..
trusting you'll be
gentle this time..
loving this time..
my chest opened
for you to see everything that's inside..

'i'm not going to hurt you'
you say..
right before you
break the bones apart
and rip my heart out from inside..
you hold it in front of me
to see..
making sure i'm watching..
trusting my heart in your hands
no longer,
you recklessly let it fall
to the ground
and you walk over it..
making sure it crumbles beneath
your feet..
it was warm..
alive..
beating..
full of nothin but love..

"i want to protect what's in there"
you say..
no..
you don't.

i look down
or anywhere
but your eyes.

they never lie.

i see
the love left
them.

only memories
remain.

fading voices...

when you used to
say words...
something.
anything.

fading...fading...f a d i n g...gone.

they asked me how my love life is

to which i replied:

currently burning.

i'm watching it like a bonfire in the middle of a clearing on the outskirts of the woods...

at the edge of town in the middle of nowhere, where you & the ghost of us are anywhere & everywhere i look...

wearing a tearstained gown with messy smoke-saturated hair as the wind sweeps it across my face, grazing my collarbone, around my neck & over my shoulders...

with empty eyes & a heart made of glass, shattered & aching...my spirit of love, in shambles.

knowing that there isn't a **** thing i can do or say to resurrect what we once shared . . .

When we speak,
I am cautious.

I don't want
you to hurt me.

I will build my wall
and hope for you
to gently undo
my work.

Show me I can
trust.

Show me I can
give myself away
for you.

Show me I can
and not have to be afraid
of being
h u r t.

Break down
the wall I build between us
for the right reasons.

So I can love you
the way I know how to love.

I don't want to build
this wall

Make me see I don't have to.

Make me feel safe
with you

Make me feel
seen
heard
known

Make me feel loved
by you
as I want to make you feel.

a black and navy sea of stars.

a match blanketed by shreds of trees.

a cylinder of white.

the scent of warm summer days . .

when everything feels like a smile.

glazed ceramic of yellow.

the taste of salt . .

sad, pure, and promising.

don't touch it

but we persist.

don't play with fire

they've always told us.

but we insist it isn't playing.

limbs, soft with innocent skin . .

warm blood flowing beneath.

it isn't the person who's deserving of hurt . .

but the person who's deserving of being seen & understood.

and who would stop you?

no one.
wouldn't he? . . .
. . .hurting is no longer concerning. . .
maybe he wants you to hurt . . .

know that this is far from being something to guilt you..
i just need you to see that i hurt too when i hurt you..

how many times?

one

two

three

four

more?

not too close

but just enough we resist . . .

Dream after dream
Of you not wanting me...

The beauty in
beauty & art

is that it doesn't
always have to have

an explanation.
a backstory.
an origin.
an inspiration.
a pathway.
a blueprint.
a rough draft.
a rubric.

it can just
     b e

what it is
without question.

boring?
no.

beauty in existence.

allow yourself
to allow yourself
be what you are. . .

that is beauty.
that is love.
that is art.
that is life.
that is you...

("KNOW YOUR WORTH...THEN ADD")

we are free

to create
whatever we want
whenever we want
however we want

without another
telling us what it
SHOULD BE.

Art does not always
have to have
st  ru ct  u re . ..  .

it will
always  b e

whatever

you
choose
it

to   be . . .

if i cringe

or quickly look away

when i see you..

know that it isn't

because it's you..

it's because i don't like

the version of myself

that i feel you see

when you look back

at me...

You can tell someone
you love them
over & over
again.

But those three words
amount to
nothing
if your actions
never reciprocate
those feelings.

do you know what it feels like,

feeling like you'll lose them
if you don't do something

and feeling like you'll lose them
if you do anything?