i look out my window from across my bedroom and wonder if that's mars or venus blinking back at me.

everything is still so new.

then why does it feel this familiar? . . .

You said my ideas are
"old school"

I should have known better..
Modern "love"..
Modern relationships..
Modern marriage..

It isn't about
Bonds or trust or honesty or emotion anymore..

It isn't about
Getting to know the other on the deepest levels..connection..chemistry..thoughtfulness anymore..

It isn't about thinking of the other person or considering their needs or how they crave to be loved or taken care of..

It's about selfishness..
It's about not opening up and not expressing emotions..
It's about self service and lust..
It's about looking out for yourself and protecting only yourself..

I suppose I should keep up with the times..

you said good morning
& smiled that butterfly-inducing smile
knowing you would break my heart
just hours later...

you approached my car that night
knowing you would break my heart
just minutes later...

you embraced me into your big arms
& squeezed tightly
even though you knew you'd let me go
just moments from then...

you stood there with a sad glaze in your eyes,
an agenda & dressed in your best funeral suit...
skinny jeans & a denim jacket, i can still see it...

did you know all along that you would eventually
not want me?
don't say i didn't warn you...

you made a fool out of me as i stood there in front of you,
heart full of hope, eyes full of light & hands holding
a birthday cake i baked just for you...
but little did i know it wouldn't be eaten
at a birthday party, but rather for my funeral

you walked me around the mall
christmas lights & the stars twinkling
all around us like magic...
i was such a fool to think you'd choose me...
i kept my right hand unoccupied & fallen to my side
in case you wanted to hold it again...
but you never did...hands in your pocket
& handing me back the photo of us in the little golden locket...

i know you didn't want to, i know you didn't mean
for your words to take the light right out of my eyes
but you took my heart out of my chest, showed it to me
& crushed it in front of everyone walking past us in a blur...
it fell to the ground & the shattered pieces scattered across the cobblestone pavement beneath your winter boots

i fell to the ground with tears
turning my brown eyes into kaleidoscopes of despair...
the world spun as i struggled to find the words to get you to
stay stay stay . . .

instead to trying at all, all i could say was "that's okay..."
but you knew it wasn't...you knew it wasn't.
you knew i wanted us to work but you couldn't just leave the
knife in, you had to twist it too...

i told you i was so happy with you...but all you could say was, "i'm sorry i have to be the one to take that happiness away"...but i hoped you'd one day return it to me only to realize it was always mine to have but never mine to keep...

i watched as you got back into your car
with your cake in your hands
dressed in your best funeral suit,
smiling as i told you "i'll be okay"

i sat & watched as your car got smaller in the distance
as you drove home like you just ran an errand...

skinny jeans & a denim jacket,
i can still see it...
i can still hear it...
i can still feel it . . .

he was avoidant
i was anxious-ambivalent

and somewhere along the way we got lost in translation.

he was the rational to
my irrational

i was the bright yellow sky before dusk
and he was the deep indigo when it's past bedtime

and somewhere along the way we got lost in translation.

he was the dark
and i was the light
yin & yang they used to call us...
we were complementary colors
disguised as human beings

he was the midnight sky full of bursting stars
while i was the pink vast sunrise beaming through the clouds

but instead of his hands up in my hair
and me against the drapes
we only got left with scars and scrapes

you fooled me one last time
i thought we had it
i thought we will make it..
i thought you were going out with a BANG
but it turns out it was just me walking out with a bruise

a bruise on my heart
good thing they heal over time
because i know i left plenty on you too, darling...

i thought we had it
i thought we will make it
i remember the first look you gave me,
those sad pale blue eyes
just begging for me to love them...
i gave you my all, love
you gave me your all..

and somewhere along the way we got lost in translation. . .

Sleepless evenings full of love & laughter
Early morning sunbeams peeking through the trees
Purple, pink, & periwinkle skies stretching across the sea
Talking quietly, careful not to wake the dogs
Eastward geese flying towards the Empire State
Music, soft and slow beneath the stars
Branches brown and losing leaves, turning rouge & gold
Even the mountains & hills still call out my name
Remember those misty mornings, crisp air & no despair

Oceans to deserts, I cried until I couldn't.

we always said
it was black & white.

that it's funny it seems like
siblings are only ever either
angry & malicious towards one another
or authentic, goofy, obnoxious, & happy.

but i think we're seeing new colors here...
some shades of gray...
some blues...

we're learning that there's more to this,
that we feel something deeper,
more valuable, more tangible...

we hugged twice today.
that doesn't normally happen.

i made you hot cocoa today.
you went for a walk with me.
there was something i've been wanting to say.
& you just listened.

i noticed the warmth in the room
when it used to always be cold.

& the best part is,
you noticed it too.

I wish for (y)our happiness

I don't want to be friends.

I want to have all of you.

I want to see you from across the room
& feel safe & loved
knowing I'm yours only.

I want to  k n o w  all of you.

I want to  s e e  all of you.

I want to  l o v e  all of you.

I don't want to be friends.

This heart feels
the satisfaction you harvest after
planting the hurt in it.
Near or far,
your words and words I wanted you to say
haunt it until it breaks.
Over & over.
I can't help but wonder
if you won't walk away
because you enjoy seeing
me struggle beneath your intentions,
or because you know
I wouldn't have the strength to walk away
myself.
And the part that really gets me
is not knowing which one is the truth.
And wondering if you would tell me. . .

take me back to when the days
burned like fire

take me back to when the skies
were much brighter

take me back to when
i've never felt lighter

take me back to when our hopes
couldn't get any higher

i was proud to be yours,
i was proud to be yours

like we were the only ones
in a crowd in new york

you were the open door,
the only one i had eyes for

i was proud to be yours,
i was proud to be yours

take us back to when
i wore your initial on a necklace

take us back to when
we dreamt a little reckless

take us back to when
we'd have dessert instead of breakfast

take us back to when
we made everyone around us jealous

i was proud to be yours,
i was proud to be yours

like we were the only ones
in a crowd in new york

you were the open door,
the only one i had eyes for

i was proud to be yours,
i was proud to be yours

how long will it take
until these feelings have come & gone?

or will you come back to say you were wrong?

how long will i wait
until i see your love is foregone?

you know i'd wait from dusk until dawn

i was proud to be yours,
i was proud to be yours

like we were the only ones
in a crowd in new york

you were the open door,
the only one i had eyes for

i was proud to be yours,
i was proud to be yours

I took a walk this evening
barefoot.
Just in socks actually.
my peachy pink ones that only
go up to my ankle.

I took a walk this evening
in just my socks,
just to feel something different.
i felt a little more human.
a little less A.I.
and a little cold on the soles of my feet.

i wonder if there'll be a day when
i can go places and not be
looking over my shoulder to see
if my mom is following me.
watching me.
smothering me.
protecting me.
controlling me.
i know she means well.
but she's doing it all wrong.
but apparently, i have to be a mother
in order to be able to spot bad parenting.

i look up at the vast blackness
and see a star
trillions of miles away.
i wonder if it's even a star at all.
it could be a planet.
mars or venus i suppose.

i wonder what it must be like
to be a bright burning mass
far...far away from here...
where people could only look at you
from a distance
and see the beauty that you are...
sparkling...twinkling...brilliant...light...
up close we aren't as beautiful.
maybe only to the ones who don't love us
for who we really are.

as i walk home, i walk along the lines
along the sidewalk cement.
i stretch my arms outwards
on both sides of my body
and make-believe i'm an acrobat
dozens of feet in the air...

i hate falling.
it either hurts or just makes me overthink what the pain will feel like once the fall is complete.
i look up.
i look up at that vast twinkling darkness . . .
i am no longer falling,
i am  f l y i n g . . .

summer of sprinklers & sparklers

empty, sullen, somber autumn air

dark gray is the only color left

as the sky weeps like our loved ones

who question why...why...why did they have to go?...

when i can't sleep at night i still ask myself the same thing.

it isn't exactly comfortable enough to dream here in this 3 x 7 oak box.

this isn't how i want to remember us.

the yellow rose was a fallacy...the roses left at our grave are wilting & oozing black tears...

no one has visited in a while or changed out the water let alone leave new flowers

only brown leaves swirl in circles, dancing across the damp earth, intertwined with the mist & fog from the bog

i wish i could at least dance with your ghost but you haven't come out, not once.

i roam the grounds alone, staring up at the stars wondering if i could have spared us this grim ending...

and this isn't how i want to remember us.

my tears nurture this soil, making baby's breath bloom everywhere they fall beneath my bare frostbitten toes.

even though our fire dimmed to death these bones still ache for it's warmth

i swear i was going to love you...and i could swear you did too...

it was an open casket, you lied there with your eyes closed but darling i was still looking at you...searching for a sign of reversal...

did you see the look of shock & dismay on their faces at our wake?...or how many tears were shed at our burial?

no one saw this coming, not even us...not even you.

that may be the worst part.

i may have been a poet but not even i could have rewritten our narrative,
no amount of adjectives or metaphors could have resurrected our story.

but this is not how i want to remember us.

our headstone remains unwritten as they move your body to the countryside...my cheeks sink in & limbs all decay

and though we're long gone, they can still see me with a shovel at 11:11 when the moon illuminates the earth...weeping with the sky... still trying to resurrect what we used to be . . .

I will no longer
give you permission
to invalidate
the abuse
(you've brought unto me)
I have experienced.

"You did this to yourself"

I have found my voice that says
no.

The sun sets
orange & pink
across our eyes,
blue & brown.

We talk like always,
although we know
it will be the last time.

I think of the moment
I felt safest with you
& loved by you.

We smile in silence.

I give you a song
while we leave
each other,
never truly left.

Overwhelmed, I unexpectedly cry.

"Who needs a tissue?"
I playfully ask, tossing aside my pain,
when I have your hand
wiping away the tears with gentle care?

Never enough...

Unable to walk away,
"I believe in us"
you say.

You watch as I walk away,
I look back over my shoulder
& the music fades...

I never want to leave you again...

the endless sky frilling with bright new colors

the ringing of cricket song
seeming to cease suddenly

replaced by birdsong

i sit up, lungs searching for a pocket of purity

swipe the remaining sticky, drying tears from my
cheeks, chin, neck, shoulder, ear, chest . . .

deep breaths
in . . .out . . .in . . . out

wipe the sleep from my eyes

stretch the paralysis from my muscles

unwind the stillness from my bones

touch the tips of my bare toes to the surface of the floor
and push against gravity

my vision turns to t.v. static
bleary
nebulous
distorted

a faint buzz and sharp tone sings throughout my head,
vibrates from ear to ear

i sway

steady

open my eyes and wait until the haze fades

in . . .out . . .in . . .out

happy sleepy chirps,
hopeful for a new beginning.

a new beginning, we will get





.

before

i couldn't wait to see you,
you made the noise turn into sound,
you made the murky water run clear

the possibility of having you,
the plethora of simultaneous emotions
crumbled & simplified to one:
happiness.

everything i once denied
i openly addressed,
i was free, i was flying
& no longer depressed.

i won't say i miss you
because i don't want to make
you feel uncomfortable
or make it awkward between us,
but "we can still be friends"
you said.

after

i don't look for you anymore,
and now the sound has turned into music,
because i deserve to dance
even if it's by myself.

my river runs clear,
it's roaring & pouring itself
out and into the open milky way
i once swam in every time i looked into
your eyes.

but i'm creating & naming
my own stars now,
crafting my own galaxy
out of the scars you left behind.

scars to stars,
what i wanted
was never ours.

the possibility of having you
was always just a possibility.

the plethora of simultaneous emotions,
now a complex of 2:
vigilant & content.

"i still want to hang out with you"
but not a single second
was spent...

everything i once openly addressed,
i cuff myself, i clip my wings,
once again become obsessed...

i won't say i miss you
because i don't.

so don't hope that i will,
because i won't.

i wish i could
tell you
i remember that
bright summer day
i forgot my sunglasses
that we walked out together
& you told me
it's been a while since you had
seen me ...
that warm wide smile
& that long-sleeved white shirt ...
i remember it &
i wish i could
tell you ...
i remember thinking of you
for the first time,
i remember feeling surprised
you had thought of me at all.
i remember thinking you were sweet ...
i remember it &
i wish i could
tell you . . .

I never knew
something as simple as
walking next to someone
would make me feel
as if my heart is overflowing
with the light of
all the stars in the universe
until I met you.

Hand in hand.

You & me.

Today,

Tomorrow,

Forever...

just because i don't talk to you
doesn't mean i don't think of you...

darling, i need you to know just one thing...

i need you to know that you were perfect...

i need you to know that you were always enough for me...

darling, i need you to know that you were always the only one...

i need you to know that you were it for me...

you made my world turn upside down when i met you

you made my world pause when i had you

and my world burst into flames when you left...

darling, you need to know that i will never not care for you...

the fire we had the fire we were

i need you to know that there's no way i could forget how it was...

i wanted to be your everything... nothing more...nothing less.

i will never not think of us when i hear those songs...

maybe one day i'll be able to dance to them instead of mourn...

i will never not want to send you that photo or share with you that exciting thing that just happened or tell you that funny joke i just heard or ask you if you got home okay...i'm going to want to share it all with you...

but i know that you have to go...

i've kept you close in the corner of my pocket, but i know you have to go...

i know you have to go...

i wish you didn't have to...

but i know you have to go...

darling, i need you to know just one thing...

i need you to know that you were perfect...

i need you to know that you were always enough for me...

darling, i need you to know that you were always the only one...

i need you to know that you were it for me...

darling, i need you to know that you were perfect...

I put on a show.
You're easily entertained.
You never notice
my pain at its worst...
I'm not okay.
And you are okay with that.

I miss you
though you're standing
right next to me.

I miss you
in ways you
will never fully know.

I miss you
in ways I
feel I will never be able to
accurately explain.

I miss you
in ways I
will fastidiously express with you.

Don't let me go...

L E T   M E   G O

Hold on tighter...

L E T   M E   G O

Don't leave my side...

L E A V E   M E

Don't leave me alone...

L E A V E   M E

Don't let go of my hand...

L E T   M E   G O

Don't let me go...

Hold on tighter...

Don't look down...

Don't let go...

Is there anything I could do
my love
to pull you out form
under?

Is there anything I could do
my love
to at least silence the
thunder?

If there was anything,
would you tell me?
If there was something,
would you want me to be
the one beside you?

Show me how I can love you better.

Show me how I can draw the
pain out from your veins.

Show me how you need to be loved.

Because I feel universes away from you
when I want to be beside you...

Show me
because you smile
yet I see your pain..

Show me
because you smile
yet I feel your aching..

they used to tell me to stay away from you because you'd hurt me...
but now it's you who tells me.

i won't let you close enough to hurt me like before.
and you shouldn't let anyone do the same.

you were the sand that i tightened my grip around, causing you to slip through my fingers faster than if i loosened them...

i wanted to get it right so badly that i always got it wrong.

& we had no idea that electricity would turn to lightning.

you said you'd never break the bottle

don't . . .

while mine is tucked away, safe & in a place no one could ever remove the lid again (no one but us)

just in case we'll ever need it . .

I.
"howl"
florence + the machine

II.
"mine forever"
lord huron

III.
"embody me"
novo armor

IV.
"carry you"
novo armor

V.
"the 30th"
billie eilish

you used to smile to your eyes
i used to always wonder why
you frowned the day you bought me peaches

i thought we'd have a lot more time
i thought you were forever mine
i wish we could have seen those beaches

but i know you're lost
you're scared your gain will be less than the cost,
but i'll still be here until the first frost...

nose deep in scars
you left behind
like cars in an airport parking lot

while i stare at stars
you feel so far
in your little haunted house

tucked away
we fade to gray
but i know
you're happy & safe

tucked away
among the trees
the grass
& an autumn breeze . . .

i always imagined your new home
painted beige, big porch to hug the bones,
little pond & big brown stepping stones

perhaps a swing
she'll get to grow up in
fastened beneath a great oak tree,
grass stains & scrapes on her knee

among the fields
the bugs, wild flowers
bonfires & talks for hours

but i know you're gone
you're there, you're new beyond compare
to say "hello" would i ever dare?...

nose deep in scars
you left behind
like cars in an airport parking lot

while i stare at stars
you feel so far
in your little haunted house

tucked away
we fade to gray
but i know
you're happy & safe

tucked away
among the trees
the grass
& an autumn breeze . . .

i move in, settle in the attic
among the dust, the fuzz
& faded photographs

how else would i know
you spritz your cologne
12 times before leaving
the house?

& that your favorite meal
is dinner? or that you wish
your room was bigger?

but i know you'll fall,
i'll roam these halls
i'll haunt your walls
& wish that you would call...

through the woods
through the weeds,
planting clues
while you're planting seeds

i know you're busy
but i'm getting dizzy
from being your ghost
'thought i'd get to love you
the most...

nose deep in scars
you left behind
like cars in an airport parking lot

while i stare at stars
you feel so far
in your little haunted house

tucked away
we fade to gray
but i know
you're happy & safe

tucked away
among the trees
the grass
& an autumn breeze . . .

friendliness
loneliness
i'll be the ghost
in your haunted house

friendliness
loneliness
i'll be the ghost
in your haunted house

you still make me laugh
as you tell jokes at the dinner table
& you still make me sad
when you cry in the dark,
i'd wipe your tears f'i was able

i watch you go, watch you return
just to leave again

i watch you grow, watch you stumble
& hold her hand
when the thunder rumbles

you fog & fumble
it's jogged & jumbled
i watch as your brand-new
castle crumble

nose deep in scars
you left behind
like cars in an airport parking lot

while i stare at stars
you feel so far
in your little haunted house

tucked away
we fade to gray
but i know
you're happy & safe

tucked away
among the trees
the grass
& an autumn breeze . . .

friendliness
loneliness
i'll be the ghost
in your haunted house

friendliness
loneliness
i'm still the ghost
in your haunted house...

there's this technique
us overthinkers (don't) like to use,
and it's called
assuming the worst.

nothing will truly
be able to fully put
my mind at ease
until then.

it's a coin flip:
heads or tails?
it's as simple and
complicated as that.

i don't know if i'm
getting you back tomorrow
or losing you forever.

and there's nothing more
terrifying than
not knowing until then.

so until then,
i'll assume the worst.
brace myself...only to
not know how to handle
it when (if) it does occur.

i will know by this time tomorrow...
and that's somehow scarier.

what not to say to an overthinker:
1) "can we meet up and talk?"
and especially not...
2) "i'd rather talk sooner than later"

i look up at just the right time:
11:11.

if there's anything these past
few months have taught me,
it's that even when you
are expecting an ending,
no matter how long it's arrival
has been awaited...it still
never makes it any easier
when it finally arrives.

The paint dries.

I watch the neighbor
cut her grass with scissors
while she sits in her lawn chair.

The chimes blow in the
gentle summer breeze.

The page turns by itself.

I hear the ocean waves
calling out my name
from miles... miles away.

Late is better than never.

The tick of my watch
grows louder,
I notice it
when the silence grows.

The little finch
sits upon the bowl,
crystal water splashing up with his wings.

The sky
a runway of vibrant colors.
orange, gold, red, pink, lavender,
whispy baby blue clouds.

Telephone wires
buzzing above
as I stand barefoot on the
hot pavement
staring hypnotized by the dazzling
vastness of the black space
above
surrounding
enveloping
consuming.

Airplanes fly overhead
blinking green & red lights
peeking out in between the thick clouds.

A nearby train
rattles the old family photographs
hanging on the peeling wallpaper
by 60 year old rusty nails.

Warm December air.

The loose string on the cuff
of my sweater sleeve
unravels as I pull it.

The grass feels cool
in between my toes
as I watch the
grasshopper watch me
watch him.

I feel homesick
even though I am home.

The lemons ripen.

The lake water
quietly lapping.

Catching my breath
my chest tightens
after running down the street.

The chilly autumn wind
brushes across my blushed cheek.
I shiver.
I don't mind
because the view is worth it.

These memories

These places

These overwhelming
feelings

These moments

These seconds

I'd do anything to
experience
once more.

I don't know what
the days ahead
hold.

This wanting

Forth & back.

This needing

While these intangibles last
forever,
I can't help but know
this nostalgic haunting
couldn't.

secondhand high

vicarious emotions

secondary euphoria

suppressed longings

prolonged potential priority

dulling delight

increased heartbeat

pleasurable palpitations

butterflies flitter & tickle my tummy

i quiver, a subtle shiver

increased respiration

imitation crab

foul aftertaste, rubber, fallacy, fooled.

the real deal

i long for

"i only want what's right in front of me"

pretentious playmates

camouflage lightning bug signals

flicker, flash

morse code.

survival mode.

bioluminescence life-making

instinctive matchmaking

burning the matches down to the fingertips

"just to feel something, anything"

yearning, aching . . .

married like the geese, we are

"desperate times call for desperate measures"

or

"love is blind"

they say.

selective hearing...

but i loved him with my eyes wide open.

Thank you for helping me find
what I didn't even know was lost.

And thank you for helping me realize
that it never was truly, lost...

Myself.

S I D E      A :
"august"                          : flipturn
"all i want"                     : kodaline
"picture perfect"            : joli
"apocalypse"                  : cigarettes after ***
"the funeral"                  : band of horses
"all too well (10 min.)"    : taylor swift
"strawberries"                : caamp
"anchor"                         : novo amor
"embody me"                 : novo amor
"because of you"           : stephen sanchez

S I D E      B :
"sleep on the floor"                               : the lumineers
"brightside"                                         ­ : the lumineers
"iris"                                               ­       : the goo goo dolls
"flightless bird, american mouth"       : iron & wine
"wake me"                                             : bleachers
"i choose you"                                       : adam melchor
"until i found you"                               : stephen sanchez
"real love baby"                                    : father john misty
"more"                                                   : between friends