We speak in song...
Our hearts are slowly intertwining
until every part of us is tied together
Find me in the music..
Picture me there with you
"Dancing...swaying...singing until our lungs give out..."
Picture us...
The rest of the world falls away, always.
Nothing around us matters, suddenly.
Blurry..
But you are clear as ever..
Surrounding us, lights from the suns & moons.
Fireflies & embers from the fire that fuels
this feeling...
Vivid colors swirling around & through us..
The heavenly harmonies
& magical melodies;
this is where you'll find me, always
If you ever feel my hand slip away..
If you ever feel our fingers
slowly
loosen their grip on each other...

loved sensitivity

embraced & accepted.

no apologies,

only for the wrong
for the right reasons.

october, since.

when will he be well? . . .

will my absence be the cure?...

my distance the anecdote...

("no one can..."
"only i can")

for now i only b r e a t h e . . .

simplify, life.

live. preoccupy.

be myself.
(by myself.)

i will be a stranger for you...
i will make you see
that i am strong enough.

christmas, i think of you.

new year, no you...

when will i wake from this comatose

scale 3

"i love you" in ASL
but you never notice...

words diminish truth. actuality.
leading to our very own fatality...

words, a bleak & silent mid-winter for now. . .

reduced.

anterograde amnesia.

...how i long for a different state
of consciousness...

if i felt fervent fondness, would you? . . .

no...i tell myself.

i preoccupy.

terrified of the outcome...
what is supposed to come of this?
i ask but receive only hate.

"*******...easy."
"you're right. i am good at walking away."

"i'm not going anywhere as long as you still want me here..."
i reach out into the dark but i can't find your hand there...

ghosts disguised as words
haunt me
waking
or
sleeping.

years will pass.
you will return to wellness.
i won't say a word.
i will listen to every word
that falls from the lips
i've longed to press softly
against mine...
only to hear
that they're saying that
they do not want my love after all...

will i want the comatose?. . .

yes...i tell myself.

if i will not have you, i will not have anyone.

i preoccupy;

puffy sleepy brown eyes read millions of pages, beige.
billions of words, carefully chosen.
my feet worn yet hungry for many trails unexplored.
paint strokes left out to dry in the warmth of the summer sun...

you are the reason
i sometimes write two dots instead of three..

i have forgotten the sound of your voice...
but still i remember your caramel hair.

i squeezed your hand tightly
as our lips remained
ever so slightly parted...
sleepy eyes closed..
those flushed cheeks...
i'd give everything to feel warm against mine
once more...

do you remember it the way i do?. . .

will you remember me? . . .

i sit patiently
impatiently.

the attic is dusty,

i have been dusting
year after year.

i will make room for you.

i will love you so hard..

or i will withhold it,
lest you look through the windows
you will know...
but will you feel it?
will you want to feel it?

surviving.
thriving.
surviving.

i hear your sighs...
one look into those
heathered baby blue eyes &
you never have to say a word...

some day,
i will fall out of
this siesta.

bright-eyed,
a euphoric covering yet sadness simultaneously lives beneath.
heated flush yet bones bitten with chill within.

right person, wrong time.

a day
not soon
i lie to myself...

take your time
but hurry . . .
and wake me
from this comatose sleep. . .

I see the frustration
in your eyes
for that brief fraction of a moment
when no body else
is looking.
For a while I felt I understood.

As I know things haven't
been going the way you
need.

"I love you"
I want to say to you now
& every second that I am breathing...

If you knew the hurt
my heart knows,
maybe you would
think twice before...

ash-free air
fading skyline

melodies of
rich warm
and
harmonies of
deep cool

muted pastels,
peaches and pinks
matching her cheeks

Pluto Projector
Rex Orange County

stargazing
solo

star clusters
galaxies
constellations

bears
archers
scorpions
scales
­
off-balance
head spinning
stomach turning
breath caught
and eyes closed...

she swore the moon
was advancing

whispering
how happy her sun is
with her absence...

and even now as i tell our story,
it sounds like fiction
rolling jagged off of my tongue.

so unthinkable
that i have to remind myself that
it really happened.

i don't want you to get hurt...
but i also don't have the strength to be apart from you...

i don't want to get hurt...
but i also know that there will never exist so intimate a bond without a bit pain...

he makes the mundane feel romantic
and the ordinary feel extraordinary.

things like paper boats, white wildflowers on the side of the road, times of birth, or picking up fallen-over magazines from the floor at the store.

he makes me want to dance
like no one is watching.

he makes me want to
chase my wildest dreams
and stop at nothing or no one.

he makes me want to touch him
until our cheeks are colored crimson,
salty sweat drips from our brows,
and we fall asleep from sweet exhaustion.

he makes me want to
fall and fly &
grow and cry

he makes me want to
run away from this place
we call "home"
to make a new one from nothing.

he makes me want to
love myself and never look back
to what held me from doing so.

he makes me want to love him..
he makes me want to love him
no matter how hard..
no matter how easy..

Nothing is worse than not being able to
love who you love.

i wonder what they tell you about me..

as if they knew more about me than you did..

i wonder if they hate me..

i wonder what you tell them about me..

i wonder how you make me sound..look..

i wonder how you talk about me..

i wonder what you say..

i wonder how you paint me..

make me out to be..

i wonder if they convinced you to never let me in..

i wonder if they despise my soul..

i wonder if they convinced you to run the other way..

i wonder if they hate my heart..

i wonder if you do..

i wonder if they convinced you that i am a monster..

i wonder if you tell them i'm "just another borderline"..

i wonder if they want me out of your life..

i wonder if you do..

i wonder if they say i'm toxic, holding up your life..

i wonder if they say i'm an abuser, as if that's all i've ever been..

i wonder why you hate my boundaries, as if i should break them for you..

as if i should feel ashamed for having any..

i wonder if i have to cast aside my thoughts and values, just so you can be happy with me..

pretend i'm just like you, in every way, not different..

i wonder if i'll let you do what you want with me..just so you won't leave..

i wonder if i should remain silent, letting you take the lead..

no longer in sync, in step..just quietly trailing behind..

i wonder if my experience, thoughts, and emotions were ever really valid..

i wonder if they told you to ignore me..

i wonder if they told you to because it would be 'self-care'..

i wonder if they told you that it's kind to walk away the way you do..

i wonder if they told you it's cool to be cold to the one who wants your affection..

as if it would make me want you more..

i wonder if they encourage you to not think of me..

i wonder if they tell you to forget you ever met me..

i wonder if you agree..

i wonder how you feel..

i wonder if i will ever feel closer to knowing the truth..

I want to know
all of the parts
you don't dare show
anyone else

I want to love
all of the little pieces
everyone else finds
annoying

I want to see
every side of you
the good, the bad, the ugly
everything...

I want to touch
your heart in a way
no one else has ever
touched it
and take your breath away
just by looking in your
direction or by my arm gently
grazing yours when we stand
side-by-side

I want to hear
your sigh at the end
of a long day
and remind you that
you are enough
you are okay
you are known
you are loved
you are seen
you are felt
you are heard

you said that
you would try

but i knew
they were lies

when i said
that i would die
and all i did was cry

Everything made me realize,
I wanted you to empathize

but what i really needed
was for us to say goodbyes

sweet churns sour.

stable now shakes.

sun into somber.

night seeps into day until they become one.

curtains drawn.

sunless skin.

sleepless eyes.

increased to 20mg.

little white tablet, taken once daily.

CAUTION

world in swirls.

lay down lay down . . .

can't stay awake...

don't want to be awake...

it hurts . . .

stomach befriends the throat

befriends the mind, befriends the mouth.

i want to collapse...

it takes getting through hell to be happy.

and the worst part is, i'm not sure if it's worth it.

Whether it's through
words
gestures
glances
or
touch
we just can't get
close enough.

You hate how
your words still
haunt & hurt my heart
everyday,

but you said them
anyway.

Did you think I would
never find out
you really felt that way?

i suppress the monster within,
hungry for more of you.

it can be found
hidden in plain sight,
never gone
but a little shy in the light.

it lurks in the shadows
beneath my eyes,
from long sleepless nights
of missing what we used to be

it resides in the music
we shared and grew
new life from

some may say
it has red eyes,
sharp claws,
and gnashing teeth,
awaiting your return
only to have your heart ripped to shreds...

but it only sees you
for what you are,
sees you for who you were,
who you're trying to be,
and who you want to become.

it's waiting for you
to see you're stronger than you feel,
to see you're capable of being loved
and always hoping you will
remember how to love in return...

a creature of habit,
it loves it hurts it loves it hurts
it doubts it believes it doubts it believes...

it knows that unconditional
means seeing the darkest parts of another
and loving them more despite
how scary it might be,
being fully known, fully seen.

a monster's reputation
stained like red wine
on a white **** rug...

ruby red eyes that are actually
deep brown and yearning to meet yours again . . .
sharp claws that are actually
soft hands aching to touch what was once theirs . . .
and gnashing teeth that are really just
warm lips longing to merely graze the edge of yours . . .

and nothing less than
a cracked heart,
awaiting something it hopes
one day will find it's way back to it,
home and to stay,
maybe once and for all . . .

What can we bring to the table if we don't even have a table?

to feel unloved so he can tell me how much i am loved.
pancakes stacked to my nose, dripping with maple syrup and sprinkled with junk.
a retirement party before i have even graduated.
a wall of blue china plates, the ones with the pictures of snowy
                                                                ­  barns, cows, and bridges.
a whiff of him--plastic ziplock bags, overripe banana, and cologne.
a short-lived sin, intentions so pure it doesn't count.
yellowing pages and broken spines floor-to-ceiling.
a love for my mother, one without fear, fire, or fury.
a sun so generous, that i forget what november ever felt like.

i am still
the one
you once
wanted.

you've
always
been
the one
i've
wanted.

but you're
no longer
the one
who
once
wanted me.

you say i'm not the only one,
my eyebrows raise.
but you reassure me,
"we may happen we may not"
what am i to say?
sitting in my car with you here
on the tenth of may . . .

you say i will catch up soon,
love, you don't really know me
but you know i'm a sleuth.
i figure things out quick
and always on my own,
my heart may be sore
but let's save all the war . . .

you say i'm not the only one,
my eyebrows raise.
but you reassure me,
"we may happen we may not"
what am i to say?
sitting in my car with you here
on the tenth of may . . .

darling she looks like your next
heartache
but honey i can be your next
heart break

you say i'm not the only one,
my eyebrows raise.
but you reassure me,
"we may happen we may not"
what am i to say?
sitting in my car with you here
on the tenth of may . . .

"i don't want you getting jealous"
his green eyes say,
but now i find myself already
waiting in the lot
just to see who you're talking to, babe

[my heart may be grown
but it's also half-sewn . . .]

you say i'm not the only one,
my eyebrows raise.
but you reassure me,
"we may happen we may not"
what am i to say?
sitting in my car with you here
on the tenth of may . . .

it's probably nothing,
but you've poisoned the grass
now the wishes can't grow.
i don't mean to be crass
but i wish you wouldn't go.
I don’t want to be the shiny thing you just pass,
I want to be the one you make last . . .

you say i'm not the only one,
my eyebrows raise.
but you reassure me,
"we may happen we may not"
what am i to say?
sitting here in my car with you
on the tenth of may . . .

what am i to say?
sitting here in my car with you
on the tenth of may . . .

what am i to say?
sitting here in my car with you
on the tenth of may . . .

i accidentally typed "ana" instead of my full, real name
into the blank document.

and for a brief moment, i felt like a different person,
like i assumed the persona, the qualities, the life of whoever "Ana" would be.

and in that brief moment,
i felt real, counterfeit, foreign, familiar, and birthed anew. . .

i see us walking
in the big park as i drive by.

21 questions,
sun shining bright,
curious about each other,
& before we held hands.
we're alive.

"fast car" played
through the speaker
as i lay in the dentist office
beige leather chair.

parking lot seagulls
flying across the winter sky
on the other side of the snow-speckled pane.
i let out a long sigh.

how much longer
until this skin gets to graze home?

my social clumsiness
threw me in for a plot twist,
& not the good kind.

"grief is an ACTIVE process..."
my professor says.
a day of
prolonged sighs.

monday mourning
FRESH START
tuesday blues
FRESH START
wednesday...

i never want you to be afraid
to tell me things you'd normally be afraid to tell others.
i want you to feel like you can tell me anything & everything
& know that it won't ever scare me away.
because now there is nothing you could say that will undo the way i see you.

i want to see the real you.
i want to see every side of you,
the good, the bad
the ugly, the beautiful
the quiet, the obnoxious
the stubborn, the compassionate
the scared, the brave
who you are with your family,
who you are with your friends,
who you are with strangers,
who you are when you're all alone,
& everything that makes you, you...

all of your
insecurities
flaws
imperfections
mistakes
faults
shortcoming­s

these are not things that make you less loveable,
nor will they make me like you less
or be something i see but dismiss, judge, ignore, deny, & look over or past...
but rather through...

i will look at your fragile heart
that you have trusted me to have & hold within my hands,
i will peer into the deepest & darkest
corners of your complex mind
& i will see all of these
insecurities
flaws
imperfections
mistakes
faults
shortcomin­gs
but i promise you i will love them
& i will love you more because of them...

they make up part of who you are
& if i can't acknowledge and love them
then i don't deserve to love you...

they show me that you are human
& so perfectly imperfect,
& a fine glimpse of humanity
in its purest form...

every night when i close my eyes,
you follow me,
you tap me on the shoulder
& ask if we could talk for a moment,
there is something important
you want to say...

so i listened but everything you said
i couldn't understand,
it was like a different language,
from another planet or another land.

just because we want something to be perfect
doesn't mean it will be...

maybe that's how we were.

the you closure we want
will never be the closure we get...

the perfect ending, with you as my end game...
who is to say.

it's weird writing this halfway-healed instead of muddled in the sadness & madness of wanting you & wanting you to want me...

and how am i supposed to summarize
everything we had
in one poem?
or 2 million poems for that matter?

i don't think these kinds of things
are meant to be summed up with words...

words get in the way
of how things truly are.
of how people really feel.

i wanted words to your (in)actions...
a bite of closure
even if it broke me...
even if it was telling me what i already knew...

but it was a bite you couldn't give
& darling believe me when i say
i did everything i could to understand why...

i see you now...
i know you now...
i hear you & even everything you don't say...

because we were always good at knowing exactly how each other feels...what each other is thinking without a single word needing to be said...

and how am i supposed to summarize
everything we had
in one poem?
or 2 million poems for that matter?

i don't think these kinds of things
are meant to be summed up with words...

i think these kinds of things
are meant to be remembered
by those passionate moments
those painful memories
the way we came into existence
& the way we fought to stay there
until we just couldn't...
until we just couldn't.

I toss & turn.

At an hour nobody else's eyes are open,
my bed shakes me awake
& I sit up gasping for air, sick, heart-aching.
The thin speckled sheets are ripped off from on top of me.

The pale walls rattle
but there is no train or earthquake.

The Christmas lights flicker off & on
while bulbs burst,
glass dispersing everywhere.

The window flies open
allowing the rain to come pouring in, flooding.
The wind blowing the pale blue curtains about.

I think I am being haunted
by the ghost of you
and you aren't even gone yet.

My stomach turns
as I replay a conversation
not yet to be had.

Let me go...
Let me let you go...

If the me that existed a few months ago went through what I'm going through tonight, she would be broken & collapsed on my floor without a single word, thought, feeling, or action that belonged to her, but to everyone else who knew what was good for her.
The difference now is I only feel stronger facing my deepest & darkest & most vulnerable fears despite being the only one fighting for myself.
I only feel stronger.
I only feel s t r o n g e r . . .

You don't motivate me
to be(come) someone I am not.

You don't motivate me
to represent something I am not.

You don't motivate me
to be less myself.
~~~~~
You motivate me
to be(come) better.
To be the best version of myself
that I could possibly be.
You motivate me
to be an authentic human being.
To be true to myself.
~~~~~
With you,
I am more myself.
With you,
I am more.

i remember writing that we fell into each other in july

do you recall when i read to you that i hoped we would fall in love in october?

it's november now, the world a dazzling gallery of crimson, gold, & rust...

i sent an invite to your new address for a rooftop rendezvous

glasses of peach wine & dozens of little red cards

a requested reminiscing...an appointed questionnaire in regard to our past life spent like impulsive racehorse bets

the leaves fall from damp branches to the dark earth like new loves blooming, but everyone knows nothing new blooms during the autumn

"meet me on the rooftop when the jack-o-lanterns turn to cornucopias but before the first frost nips at your fingertips"

and we can catch up & remember the memories, we can laugh and watch the condensation from our breath rise up to the gray autumn sky in clouds like chimney smoke from the rooftops

"meet me on the rooftop when the thought of us no longer makes me cry but before i forget what it felt like to care too much"

and we can scream our favorite songs & recall the times i tripped over every crack in the ground, we can talk for hours about anything, everything & how pineapple belongs on pizza, as we watch the families eat dinner around their tables & create elaborate fiction about their cookie-cutter lives...

"meet me on the rooftop when the autumn leaves are wind-driven but before they are a distant memory as they rest beneath the soft white winter blanket . . .before i forget what you look like...before i forget your middle name...before i forget the sound of your voice" . . .

i walk beside him
but i wish it was you

i want to streach out my hand
reach for you
but it's your hand i want
not his

he plays taylor swift
as we drive
but all the songs
only remind me of you

once sweet
now bittersweet
hoping everything
every moment with me
is not bitter to you

in every movie

in every sunset

in every sad love song

in every drive home

in every warm & rainy may sunday evening

every snowflake

every amber fallen leaf

i crave that glimpse of us
your baby blue gingerly meeting mine
and your warm fingers interlaced with mine
as we walked to our picnic bench

the things i avoid
are the only things i have
to catch that glimpse of us

tell me it's not
the only thing that i'll ever have
that's closest to having you

tell me there'll be a day
when you'll love me
the way i love you
only harder than we ever have

the tears i dry
seconds before i walk into work

you said forever
and start with forever
you said you'd propose . . .
one day we'd be one . . .

if this isn't over
why do i still cry when i write

hesitantly indulging
in your favorite songs
just for my fix of us

skyline deep violets
bright golds
vibrant oranges
flush pinks

stars peeking
lights igniting
the evening life

sitting at our picnic bench
knowing you're not here with me
holding back tears.
"i'm with you" vance joy.
people drive by
as i long for any of them to be you . . .
just come sit with me . . .
be with me . . .
be next to me . . .
darling, i used to be


awaiting the day
this could be real,
just like you longed,
just like i dreamed,
just like we hoped

awaiting the day
i no longer need
this glimpse of us
to feel the warmth of us . . .

we had what you only see in the cinema

we had a film kind of love

we had the depth of a play & the soul of a musical

we had the heart of an adventure & spirit of a christmas movie

we had the laughs of a comedy & aches of a drama

we had the possibility of a mystery & excitement of an action

we had the magic of a romance & the wonder of a memoir

we had what you can only seen on the silver screen

we had what you can only read in the scripts

we had what can only be found between well-loved pages, flipped through dozens of times

we were the silent films & black and whites

we were the technicolor revolution

and even though i wish we could have been a happily ever after instead of a coming-of-age, i'll always rewatch it from beginning to end

i always thought this kind of feeling was only in the cinema, but i know now that is is real . . .

i'm not always
good at words.

but i know
you are good
at reading my eyes.

so don't stop looking,
because you're the only one
who ever really does.

Intensions
to grow with you,
alongside you.

Intensions
to celebrate the highs
& stay during the lowest of the lows.

Intensions
to know you, see you, & still love you
despite what may be desirable or not.

Intensions
to love your mind & heart before your body.

Intensions
to see your flaws, mistakes, fears, & insecurities
and love them just the same.

Intensions
not to hurt you
but help you heal
or even hurt with you.

Intensions
to explore every corner of the earth with you,
discovering & trying new things.

Intensions
to take care of you,
protect you from all of the merciless hurt of the world
to the best of my ability.

Intensions
to remain honest, faithful, & trustworthy with you
from the beginning to the end.

Intensions
to hold your hand tighter when things get challenging, testing, demanding, overwhelming.

Intensions
to see the good in others, in the world, in everything, in life, & in each other.

Intensions
to lift you up in your successes & victories, big or small.

Intensions
to share moments of laughter, passion, spontaneity, intimacy, empathy, & compassion with you.

&

Promises
that will never be made to be broken.

Time that will never change how I feel.

every time i look at that striped sweater i think of us.
standing in the middle of that crowd in the pale blue lights,
sore throats & your thumbs in my belt loops.

we were going to rise above the rest,
rise above the rest who tried & tried but landed
sooner than they hoped
& fly with the eagles...

i had all my cutest outfits
picked out, hung up, lined up
waiting for you

but now i wear them alone
as i sit at our favorite coffee shop
where we first talked.

i should be there with you,
laughing at all the funny faces
your niece makes when she eats pizza

i should be there with your hand
intertwined with mine under the table,
as we sing happy birthday to your mom
as she blows out her wishes.

you should be here in the car with me
as we sing tennessee whiskey off-key
with the windows rolled all the way down,
taking in the last of the summer air

the wind doesn't know how lucky it is
that it gets to run wild through your soft brown hair
the way my fingers used to.

a capital letter

maybe there's hope for me afterall

distant persistent beats

reverse . . . reverse . . . reverse

if i only could . . .

i dreamt of fire

i wake to fire

stretch out my hand into the young, bright, & golden ray

finger wrapped in brown bandages

i stand there staring at how i could find something so mundane so wonderful . . .so romantic . . .so beautiful

i slowly tilt my hand & turn it so that my palm is facing the pale-painted ceiling

i slowly open my palm, outstretching my fingers, then gently close it again as if to catch the ray

rays . . .a byproduct of fire

something beautiful can come of something terrifying

i need fresh air

morning air is filled with purity, a life unlived, untouched, untainted, unknown . . .

filled with dew & songs of birds & innocent light

maybe there is hope for me afterall