Approaching you,
beloved
I saw your smile
slowly sink as you
noticed..
"Are you okay?"
You asked me.
You felt my heart
was weary..
My eyes don't lie,
I'm sure.
"No" I said.
But I smiled anyway & chuckled
& changed our subject
to physical pain
instead
because I was afraid..
I didn't tell you
what was hurting me..
If you knew the mess
within my mind,
would you ever forgive me? . . .

it's nearly time to wake

i think to myself

it feels as though the rest of the world is asleep

while i lay here sleepless

not counting sheep
but counting the tears that roll down my cheek,
graze my neck coldly
or pool in my ear
onto the pillow
with a tap . . .tap . . .tap . . .tap

not having touched toes to carpet

memories of you flash brightly

memories of us replay softly

that soft shy smile.

i curl tighter into a ball . . .

squeeze the sheets in my fists . . .

shut my eyes tighter . . .

more warm tears stream down my cheeks
faster now, unstoppable.

*i miss you.     i miss us.     i miss you.

~

we used to pinky promise

"this is serious!"

you used to say half-jokingly

but we both knew the depth of it...

i trusted you,

you trusted me.

and so we both held each other and stayed as we fell straight into the abyss...

i knew you'd keep every promise you ever made to me

until one day they all shattered

it was almost as if none of them mattered...

so suddenly you leave

and didn't bother to tell me why

tell me why...why...why

was all i wanted to know...

i pinky promise you i would have been fine

i would have left you alone

if you had only told me

it wasn't me

right from the start...

i could have been brave

but instead i was only bruised,

left with the scars you left behind

instead of counting the stars with you laying next to me...

now we pinky promise

but this time we kiss our thumbs and gently press them together...

now we pinky promise

and so suddenly...
and all at once...

everything else just slips away . . .

~

fMRIs of brains under emotional pain show neural activity in the exact same regions (insula, dACC, and thalamus) when physical pain is felt.

\\\\\
i wish
you would
at least
say
g o o d b y e
if you
have no
intentions
on coming
back . . .
\\\\\

i'm walking on thin ice,
they say.

but really,
i'm skating on it.

whatever i'm in,
wherever i am,
in spite, i'll make it nice.

thick or thin;
i lift high, my chin.

or maybe i say i'm "skating"
but hide the truth;
i don't know how to skate.

you said you'd teach me someday,
one day there we will be...
you standing behind me,
our arms stretched out...
your hands guiding mine,
barely touching but just enough to
steady my balance...
clumsy but graceful.
there we glide blissfully across the ice
beneath the soft-falling snow & glow of
the plaza,
our hearts pounding...pausing amidst the raving city...

you said you'd teach me someday.
you said you'd teach me one day . . .




.

i own no one
an apology
for my feelings.

i don't own anyone
an explanation
for why i feel
the way i do,
i just do.

i am not in a place of
overdraft
because i am affected
by the way they make me feel
small...invalidated...
unexperienced...mistaken...
confused­...doubtful.

i am not in debt
to anyone
by not proving to them
that i was happy...
that i was in love...
that i was myself.

i own no one
my energy
in trying to convince
them that what we were
was real...
when they've already decided
we weren't enough to have
ever really been valid...
to have ever truly existed . . .

he does the very thing
he told you he hated everyone
doing to him,
cuts you out
of his life
only to freely give his time
to others.

he says he's drained
yet still has enough
energy to give
to everyone,
except you...

this is what he wants you to feel.

he wants you to feel insignificant.
he wants you to feel unimportant.
he wants you to feel forsaken.
he wants you to feel forgotten.
he wants you to feel meaningless.
he wants you to feel the aching.
he wants you to feel as though you never e x i s t e d. . .

If I had to go,
would you follow?

When I have to
say goodbye,
will you come
with me?

i should be thinking of him
not you.

i guess i must still miss you because
i am sleeping with my head where my feet usually are,
and i don't do that unless my depression is acting up.

i was a one-track mind
with nothing but you
going round and round
on my baby blue crosley.

but you always had everything else
that wasn't me on your mind.

even now you're still a
rare breath of fresh air

"i'm usually good with parents,
except when they hate me.
but i can't blame them
because i wouldn't date me"

and i still talk to you
but your pale blue eyes
don't make up for your
stone cold heart

and i can't help but wonder if
i helped make it that way.

i didn't know it was possible to
miss someone
even though they're right next to you.

i wanted to be your
17th & last
and after all we've done
they can call it what they want,
but i will never be able to rewrite the past.

you were my reputation
from the beginning
middle
and end.

maybe i am
more fun to miss than to be with?

there are things i didn't get to say to you,
things i will never say now
because i can't
i shouldn't
but also because i no longer want to...

we were always better at talking with our eyes
anyway...we were fluent in silence.

the way a mere graze could set our souls afire
but we have to put that away now.

i want you to try...
i want you to try...

try to get better
try to move on
try to forgive me
try to remember
try to allow love in
try to feel & feel it deeply,
don't hold it back...
try to just say things,
because the other person
may be dying
to hear your words...

and i will try
to make sense of this
unfinished business.

You helped me
realize that
I don't need you.

Perfect pretense.

Oceans swelling to the sky.

Eager to see what awaits.

Trees guiding the way, limitless.

Rotunda panorama.

Yesterday's soft, prudent parting sun.

Running towards you running towards me
Embraced, enveloped, overwhelmed, overcome
Unable to deny the ache
No more lonely dawns
I knew it would be you all along
Open arms, submerged beneath your tidal wave
No more lonely dusks

that feeling when you're completely out of breath & you can feel your heart pounding out of your chest thumping so loudly you can hear it... 

this time, a holistic ****** experience that i became the heart.

we fall asleep with our fingers interlaced.

we soon became inseparable...

if euphoria was a color, it would be dark, faded-but-electric-blue.

you're someone i could fall madly, unapologetically, undeniably, unconditionally, helplessly in love with.

before, things would always fall apart in the fall...but we fell into each other.

i have never felt more helplessly weak & undeniably strong all at once before.

i never knew how much i'd want you until this moment.

we're in a room full of others but we only see each other.

you are my proof that the poetry does get happy again.

our song is on repeat & i never want it to stop...

forced, nothing.

& just as we're as close as we can possibly get, it's never close enough...

i'm supposed to be sleeping but instead i am writing about you, & i hope that is okay.

i melt into the floor when i see you, when i hear your voice, as smooth & sweet as maple syrup

i could never lie to you.

the thought of you not with me is unbearable.

never leave me...

the thought of the absence of you is cold down to every bone in what would feel to be this desolate, dark, & aching shell...

i want you
oh god, do i need you too?...

do you want me too?
oh god, do you need me too?...

[this love monster may be prowling deep within me, but it is as pure as snow & gentle as a dove.]

this song makes me want to plan anything, anything just to get us in the same room...

"it's in the space that the energy lies"

there is so much i want to know, but won't ask (yet)...

"for now, we'll dream about it, but soon we'll be there."

i want you to want to take me into a dimly lit room like you once did with her.

a minute without you is the strangest thing...

a second without you is the strangest thing . . .

i ran with the wolves only to find out that i'm a sheep...i thought we'd run hand-in-hand but i should have known mine would always go empty...

mutually assured destruction

the night was their day.

& i've had to tell some lies about some strange things just to get here.

undercover farm boy posing as a city man.

making music just to say something but everyone likes it.

close your ears to the snakesong, or don't, the truth about me is only hearsay among these fruits.

it must mean something if they've got to try so hard to disengage (?)

we're off the deep end & we both don't know how to swim.

the fox never strays too far away.

if i ever get out of this town, would you follow? would you follow?...

i'd stay here forever & go mad if it meant staying in the same city as you.

set in our collective future;

there he is with his hair slicked back tight, sharp in colors they chose, supported by thunderous onomatopoeias as he walks towards the red hanging velvet;

there, to speak in front of the pretentious sea of (not) well-known greek gods & goddesses.

we embrace in the cold & we leave in the cold.

are we just running from something we know is atomic?

or are we just chasing after something overnight & ironic?

the vineyard is closing in. beads of sweat still glisten in the winter morning sun.

there, when i closed my eyes, you co-starred for the very first time (you must be on my mind that much).

i pace alone while you're wining & dining.

i shiver & stammer as i remember him saying "i feel like i have to with you..." when i told him he doesn't have to be on for me all the time...

is this why you leave? is this why you leave?...

my breath left my lungs & my roots embedded themselves into the earth. a certain kind of realized sadness glazed over the windows.

all i ever want is for mutual reconstruction,

but all that remains is all that remains.

i couldn't possibly imagine
a life in which we do not
speak to one another.

i lied,
i have imagined it.

i just don't want to,
ever again.

it's vivid & too normal...
it isn't dim or bleak,
and that may be the worst part.

my face always reminds people of someone else
you look exactly like...
...are you related to...
you're a splitting image of...
...you remind me of...
you look so much like...
when will someone else remind someone of me? . . .
when will i be the person they are looking for? . . .
when will i be the original? . . .
when will i be like me and not someone else? . . .

i can be
sensitive
and
strong.

i can be
quiet
and
intelligent.

i can be
unapologetically myself
and
humble.

i can be
protective
and
vulnerable.

i can be
sightful
and
loving.

i can be
both.

i can be
everything
and
nothing
all at once.

You are also waiting to be loved by you.

i think you could be someone i could get used to.
someone i could want to spend all of my time with.

though i don't know you yet,
i just know this.

i haven't gotten lost in your eyes yet,
but so far they make me feel at home.
the way they say so much, so many loud things but so, so quietly.

i was never taught how to swim yet i find myself swimming out of the cold, deep, crystal blue water and diving into your soft green milky way.

i think you could be someone who could easily dazzle me, without even trying.

it's exciting here
it's scary here
but it's quiet here.

you are the beaming comet bursting it's way through my galaxy
that i never saw coming,
and i am making space for you . . .

i think you could be someone i could fall for
without even knowing it until it has me shattered into billions of stars scattered across the vast indigo sky . . .

i think you could be someone i could care for
with everything i am, without even trying . . .

i do not want to mess it up
i do not want to speak too soon or move too fast
i do not want to scare you off or say too much
i do not want to make you hurt
i do not want to overthink . . .

i think you could be someone i would want to have and belong to in return without a single doubt in sight . . .


i think you could be someone i could get used to.
someone i could want to spend all of my time with.

though i don't know you yet,
i do know this.

feeling no regret when you hurt me..

"hurting you is the last thing i ever want to do..."

you leave me with ease..

"if i ever found out i hurt you, i would hate myself forever..."

you hurt me with pleasure..

why would i ever hear you say you're sorry..

feeling no remorse..

do you like it?

does it feel good, knowing?

maybe if you saw the look on my face..

the surprise in my eyes..

the deafening silence and quiet gasp that escapes from my lips..

the tears that fall from my cheeks..

as i cup my hand over my mouth..suppress the sound..no one knows how deep you cut me..

the blood-pink flush that colors my cheeks

every time you make me your villain..

make me your villain...

you will never make me your lover...

Hours, how many more hours longer until the butterflies cooped
                  within this hollow stomach of mine tell me you're near?
Umbrella terms for emotions that cannot be expressed with words.
God, only God knows if we will meet for the first time all over again...

and i miss you 'fore we ever say goodbye
goodbye
and we never had a clue
goodbye
i was never enough for you
goodbye
was there ever something i could do?
goodbye
further apart, apart we grew
goodbye
and i would cry myself askew
goodbye
but now i see myself anew
goodbye
goodbye
goodbye. . .

our world caved
& has never been the same.

how many times until
they've learned their subjective lesson?
the night passes slower
when the heart is aching.

that moment's fog of not knowing
what was real & what was a dream...
then knowing & wishing, praying
what was real was a dream.

she said she wanted to
take it but they all told her
she couldn't.

she tried & tried anyway
until the torches & chains
swung away

i lay on the ground
pinned down & never
going out without a fight.

end scene.

start scene,
you are my getaway car
as we set for the cinema,
crowds of strangers & familiar
faces alike.

i never thought we'd be here
but we are & i've never been
more afraid & glad,
with you it's all the same
with you it's all the same...

the monsters came out
& the lines started forming,
you left when i thought you
were waiting for me.

did you know i wasn't right behind you?...

i walked out of the big red doors
& scanned the lot with fear-studded
eyes into the shimmering damp night,

the rain always allows
everything to be reflected
through it's remnants across the earth.

i called & called
& called & called...
i didn't know where
you had gone.
gone... was you...

the prison guards came,
they pulled up only this time
without the chains & reigns
but with smiles & greetings of relief.

i rode away with them
until i realized you were coming back
for me, so i lied.

i lied
& i had them take me back to that
crowded empty cinema our bodies
once occupied.

we felt small, 2 in a sea of hundreds.
the curtains called but not as much as
i did.

i waited in line again
& twirled my fingers
as i sat on the velvet cushion
comparing my beauty with the rest of
the nameless faces.

i don't know how i knew,
i just did
& there you were.

no frame & chairs full of glass,
you apologized over & over
& i told you i was just happy
you came back.

we drove off into the night
& you made sure i knew
your lips were meant to
touch mine,

now & until the very end
of time...

Fall into me
love
& I will catch you

I will catch you
when you are falling
out of the up
& falling into the down
every time

I will catch you
when you are falling into
the darkness of your own
mind & mess

I will catch you
and wake you out of your
nightmares
to love you & hold you

Your eyes speak before you.
Please don't hide away
your pain, give it to me, love
I want it instead.
I feel it before you even say a word.
All the pain you feel, I'd take it for you...

I promise you,
every time
I will catch you...

limited.

vulnerable.

raw.

primitive privileges.

pen.

paper.

outdoors.

you.

aching.

longing.

me­.

pen.

paper.