bruised my knuckles
knocking on your door

for so long
you wouldn't answer

but i was the one
who had the spare key

all along
and you knew it, too

I give you
my heart
in pieces.

Piece
by
piece.

One
by
one.

Please,
be gentle with it
as it's as fragile as
butterfly wings.

Don't hurt me
(on purpose)

I will break.

we're all broken.
some, just bent.
some of us, we're picking up the pieces..
some with help from another..
some alone.

some barrel forward
hoping the demons
won't catch up.

this used to be about
outrunning
my demons..

you've helped me
see what they really are
& their intentions with me.

i've come
face-to-face
with them..

now this is about
slaying them.

~

we used to pinky promise

"this is serious!"

you used to say half-jokingly

but we both knew the depth of it...

i trusted you,

you trusted me.

and so we both held each other and stayed as we fell straight into the abyss...

i knew you'd keep every promise you ever made to me

until one day they all shattered

it was almost as if none of them mattered...

so suddenly you leave

and didn't bother to tell me why

tell me why...why...why

was all i wanted to know...

i pinky promise you i would have been fine

i would have left you alone

if you had only told me

it wasn't me

right from the start...

i could have been brave

but instead i was only bruised,

left with the scars you left behind

instead of counting the stars with you laying next to me...

now we pinky promise

but this time we kiss our thumbs and gently press them together...

now we pinky promise

and so suddenly...
and all at once...

everything else just slips away . . .

~

drive safe
but hurry

time's hands
postponed

take your time!
(:

she could be
my knite

in shining diamonds
& a brand new car

swoop in
pull up

save me
from her

from leaping
from breakfast

in the same kitchen
as her

[intro verse]
you were good
made me believe
said no need to worry,
she's just a friend, relief . . .

[chorus]
now i stand in disbelief
heartbroken one million three
pieces fractured into dust
but your love just turned into lust . . .

now i stand in disbelief
hands on hips
& lips to lips
missing you, your heart, your kiss
you said there's "nothing to miss" . . .

[acoustic outro verse]
you were good
made her believe
she was your world
your love
and safe
"she's my best friend", sigh
but it was always a lie . . .

it's nearly time to wake

i think to myself

it feels as though the rest of the world is asleep

while i lay here sleepless

not counting sheep
but counting the tears that roll down my cheek,
graze my neck coldly
or pool in my ear
onto the pillow
with a tap . . .tap . . .tap . . .tap

not having touched toes to carpet

memories of you flash brightly

memories of us replay softly

that soft shy smile.

i curl tighter into a ball . . .

squeeze the sheets in my fists . . .

shut my eyes tighter . . .

more warm tears stream down my cheeks
faster now, unstoppable.

*i miss you.     i miss us.     i miss you.

\\\\\
i wish
you would
at least
say
g o o d b y e
if you
have no
intentions
on coming
back . . .
\\\\\

i own no one
an apology
for my feelings.

i don't own anyone
an explanation
for why i feel
the way i do,
i just do.

i am not in a place of
overdraft
because i am affected
by the way they make me feel
small...invalidated...
unexperienced...mistaken...
confused­...doubtful.

i am not in debt
to anyone
by not proving to them
that i was happy...
that i was in love...
that i was myself.

i own no one
my energy
in trying to convince
them that what we were
was real...
when they've already decided
we weren't enough to have
ever really been valid...
to have ever truly existed . . .

i can be
sensitive
and
strong.

i can be
quiet
and
intelligent.

i can be
unapologetically myself
and
humble.

i can be
protective
and
vulnerable.

i can be
sightful
and
loving.

i can be
both.

i can be
everything
and
nothing
all at once.

that feeling when you're completely out of breath & you can feel your heart pounding out of your chest thumping so loudly you can hear it... 

this time, a holistic ****** experience that i became the heart.

we fall asleep with our fingers interlaced.

we soon became inseparable...

if euphoria was a color, it would be dark, faded-but-electric-blue.

you're someone i could fall madly, unapologetically, undeniably, unconditionally, helplessly in love with.

before, things would always fall apart in the fall...but we fell into each other.

i have never felt more helplessly weak & undeniably strong all at once before.

i never knew how much i'd want you until this moment.

we're in a room full of others but we only see each other.

you are my proof that the poetry does get happy again.

our song is on repeat & i never want it to stop...

forced, nothing.

& just as we're as close as we can possibly get, it's never close enough...

i'm supposed to be sleeping but instead i am writing about you, & i hope that is okay.

i melt into the floor when i see you, when i hear your voice, as smooth & sweet as maple syrup

i could never lie to you.

the thought of you not with me is unbearable.

never leave me...

the thought of the absence of you is cold down to every bone in what would feel to be this desolate, dark, & aching shell...

i want you
oh god, do i need you too?...

do you want me too?
oh god, do you need me too?...

[this love monster may be prowling deep within me, but it is as pure as snow & gentle as a dove.]

this song makes me want to plan anything, anything just to get us in the same room...

"it's in the space that the energy lies"

there is so much i want to know, but won't ask (yet)...

"for now, we'll dream about it, but soon we'll be there."

i want you to want to take me into a dimly lit room like you once did with her.

a minute without you is the strangest thing...

a second without you is the strangest thing . . .

Approaching you,
beloved
I saw your smile
slowly sink as you
noticed..
"Are you okay?"
You asked me.
You felt my heart
was weary..
My eyes don't lie,
I'm sure.
"No" I said.
But I smiled anyway & chuckled
& changed our subject
to physical pain
instead
because I was afraid..
I didn't tell you
what was hurting me..
If you knew the mess
within my mind,
would you ever forgive me? . . .

and i miss you 'fore we ever say goodbye
goodbye
and we never had a clue
goodbye
i was never enough for you
goodbye
was there ever something i could do?
goodbye
further apart, apart we grew
goodbye
and i would cry myself askew
goodbye
but now i see myself anew
goodbye
goodbye
goodbye. . .

i ran with the wolves only to find out that i'm a sheep...i thought we'd run hand-in-hand but i should have known mine would always go empty...

the night was their day.

& i've had to tell some lies about some strange things just to get here.

undercover farm boy posing as a city man.

making music just to say something but everyone likes it.

close your ears to the snakesong, or don't, the truth about me is only hearsay among these fruits.

it must mean something if they've got to try so hard to disengage (?)

we're off the deep end & we both don't know how to swim.

the fox never strays too far away.

if i ever get out of this town, would you follow? would you follow?...

i'd stay here forever & go mad if it meant staying in the same city as you.

set in our collective future;

there he is with his hair slicked back tight, sharp in colors they chose, supported by thunderous onomatopoeias as he walks towards the red hanging velvet;

there, to speak in front of the pretentious sea of (not) well-known greek gods & goddesses.

we embrace in the cold & we leave in the cold.

are we just running from something we know is atomic?

or are we just chasing after something overnight & ironic?

the vineyard is closing in. beads of sweat still glisten in the winter morning sun.

there, when i closed my eyes, you co-starred for the very first time (you must be on my mind that much).

i pace alone while you're wining & dining.

i shiver & stammer as i remember him saying "i feel like i have to with you..." when i told him he doesn't have to be on for me all the time...

is this why you leave? is this why you leave?...

my breath left my lungs & my roots embedded themselves into the earth. a certain kind of realized sadness glazed over the windows.

all i ever want is for mutual reconstruction,

but all that remains is all that remains.

i'm walking on thin ice,
they say.

but really,
i'm skating on it.

whatever i'm in,
wherever i am,
in spite, i'll make it nice.

thick or thin;
i lift high, my chin.

or maybe i say i'm "skating"
but hide the truth;
i don't know how to skate.

you said you'd teach me someday,
one day there we will be...
you standing behind me,
our arms stretched out...
your hands guiding mine,
barely touching but just enough to
steady my balance...
clumsy but graceful.
there we glide blissfully across the ice
beneath the soft-falling snow & glow of
the plaza,
our hearts pounding...pausing amidst the raving city...

you said you'd teach me someday.
you said you'd teach me one day . . .




.

i should be thinking of him
not you.

i guess i must still miss you because
i am sleeping with my head where my feet usually are,
and i don't do that unless my depression is acting up.

i was a one-track mind
with nothing but you
going round and round
on my baby blue crosley.

but you always had everything else
that wasn't me on your mind.

even now you're still a
rare breath of fresh air

"i'm usually good with parents,
except when they hate me.
but i can't blame them
because i wouldn't date me"

and i still talk to you
but your pale blue eyes
don't make up for your
stone cold heart

and i can't help but wonder if
i helped make it that way.

i didn't know it was possible to
miss someone
even though they're right next to you.

i wanted to be your
17th & last
and after all we've done
they can call it what they want,
but i will never be able to rewrite the past.

you were my reputation
from the beginning
middle
and end.

maybe i am
more fun to miss than to be with?

there are things i didn't get to say to you,
things i will never say now
because i can't
i shouldn't
but also because i no longer want to...

we were always better at talking with our eyes
anyway...we were fluent in silence.

the way a mere graze could set our souls afire
but we have to put that away now.

i want you to try...
i want you to try...

try to get better
try to move on
try to forgive me
try to remember
try to allow love in
try to feel & feel it deeply,
don't hold it back...
try to just say things,
because the other person
may be dying
to hear your words...

and i will try
to make sense of this
unfinished business.

i wonder what they tell you about me..

as if they knew more about me than you did..

i wonder if they hate me..

i wonder what you tell them about me..

i wonder how you make me sound..look..

i wonder how you talk about me..

i wonder what you say..

i wonder how you paint me..

make me out to be..

i wonder if they convinced you to never let me in..

i wonder if they despise my soul..

i wonder if they convinced you to run the other way..

i wonder if they hate my heart..

i wonder if you do..

i wonder if they convinced you that i am a monster..

i wonder if you tell them i'm "just another borderline"..

i wonder if they want me out of your life..

i wonder if you do..

i wonder if they say i'm toxic, holding up your life..

i wonder if they say i'm an abuser, as if that's all i've ever been..

i wonder why you hate my boundaries, as if i should break them for you..

as if i should feel ashamed for having any..

i wonder if i have to cast aside my thoughts and values, just so you can be happy with me..

pretend i'm just like you, in every way, not different..

i wonder if i'll let you do what you want with me..just so you won't leave..

i wonder if i should remain silent, letting you take the lead..

no longer in sync, in step..just quietly trailing behind..

i wonder if my experience, thoughts, and emotions were ever really valid..

i wonder if they told you to ignore me..

i wonder if they told you to because it would be 'self-care'..

i wonder if they told you that it's kind to walk away the way you do..

i wonder if they told you it's cool to be cold to the one who wants your affection..

as if it would make me want you more..

i wonder if they encourage you to not think of me..

i wonder if they tell you to forget you ever met me..

i wonder if you agree..

i wonder how you feel..

i wonder if i will ever feel closer to knowing the truth..

sweet churns sour.

stable now shakes.

sun into somber.

night seeps into day until they become one.

curtains drawn.

sunless skin.

sleepless eyes.

increased to 20mg.

little white tablet, taken once daily.

CAUTION

world in swirls.

lay down lay down . . .

can't stay awake...

don't want to be awake...

it hurts . . .

stomach befriends the throat

befriends the mind, befriends the mouth.

i want to collapse...

it takes getting through hell to be happy.

and the worst part is, i'm not sure if it's worth it.

he does the very thing
he told you he hated everyone
doing to him,
cuts you out
of his life
only to freely give his time
to others.

he says he's drained
yet still has enough
energy to give
to everyone,
except you...

this is what he wants you to feel.

he wants you to feel insignificant.
he wants you to feel unimportant.
he wants you to feel forsaken.
he wants you to feel forgotten.
he wants you to feel meaningless.
he wants you to feel the aching.
he wants you to feel as though you never e x i s t e d. . .

and even now as i tell our story,
it sounds like fiction
rolling jagged off of my tongue.

so unthinkable
that i have to remind myself that
it really happened.

You helped me
realize that
I don't need you.

If I had to go,
would you follow?

When I have to
say goodbye,
will you come
with me?

Perfect pretense.

Oceans swelling to the sky.

Eager to see what awaits.

Trees guiding the way, limitless.

Rotunda panorama.

Yesterday's soft, prudent parting sun.

my face always reminds people of someone else
you look exactly like...
...are you related to...
you're a splitting image of...
...you remind me of...
you look so much like...
when will someone else remind someone of me? . . .
when will i be the person they are looking for? . . .
when will i be the original? . . .
when will i be like me and not someone else? . . .

Running towards you running towards me
Embraced, enveloped, overwhelmed, overcome
Unable to deny the ache
No more lonely dawns
I knew it would be you all along
Open arms, submerged beneath your tidal wave
No more lonely dusks

i accidentally typed "ana" instead of my full, real name
into the blank document.

and for a brief moment, i felt like a different person,
like i assumed the persona, the qualities, the life of whoever "Ana" would be.

and in that brief moment,
i felt real, counterfeit, foreign, familiar, and birthed anew. . .

You are also waiting to be loved by you.

to feel unloved so he can tell me how much i am loved.
pancakes stacked to my nose, dripping with maple syrup and sprinkled with junk.
a retirement party before i have even graduated.
a wall of blue china plates, the ones with the pictures of snowy
                                                                ­  barns, cows, and bridges.
a whiff of him--plastic ziplock bags, overripe banana, and cologne.
a short-lived sin, intentions so pure it doesn't count.
yellowing pages and broken spines floor-to-ceiling.
a love for my mother, one without fear, fire, or fury.
a sun so generous, that i forget what november ever felt like.

loved sensitivity

embraced & accepted.

no apologies,

only for the wrong
for the right reasons.

october, since.

when will he be well? . . .

will my absence be the cure?...

my distance the anecdote...

("no one can..."
"only i can")

for now i only b r e a t h e . . .

simplify, life.

live. preoccupy.

be myself.
(by myself.)

i will be a stranger for you...
i will make you see
that i am strong enough.

christmas, i think of you.

new year, no you...

when will i wake from this comatose

scale 3

"i love you" in ASL
but you never notice...

words diminish truth. actuality.
leading to our very own fatality...

words, a bleak & silent mid-winter for now. . .

reduced.

anterograde amnesia.

...how i long for a different state
of consciousness...

if i felt fervent fondness, would you? . . .

no...i tell myself.

i preoccupy.

terrified of the outcome...
what is supposed to come of this?
i ask but receive only hate.

"*******...easy."
"you're right. i am good at walking away."

"i'm not going anywhere as long as you still want me here..."
i reach out into the dark but i can't find your hand there...

ghosts disguised as words
haunt me
waking
or
sleeping.

years will pass.
you will return to wellness.
i won't say a word.
i will listen to every word
that falls from the lips
i've longed to press softly
against mine...
only to hear
that they're saying that
they do not want my love after all...

will i want the comatose?. . .

yes...i tell myself.

if i will not have you, i will not have anyone.

i preoccupy;

puffy sleepy brown eyes read millions of pages, beige.
billions of words, carefully chosen.
my feet worn yet hungry for many trails unexplored.
paint strokes left out to dry in the warmth of the summer sun...

you are the reason
i sometimes write two dots instead of three..

i have forgotten the sound of your voice...
but still i remember your caramel hair.

i squeezed your hand tightly
as our lips remained
ever so slightly parted...
sleepy eyes closed..
those flushed cheeks...
i'd give everything to feel warm against mine
once more...

do you remember it the way i do?. . .

will you remember me? . . .

i sit patiently
impatiently.

the attic is dusty,

i have been dusting
year after year.

i will make room for you.

i will love you so hard..

or i will withhold it,
lest you look through the windows
you will know...
but will you feel it?
will you want to feel it?

surviving.
thriving.
surviving.

i hear your sighs...
one look into those
heathered baby blue eyes &
you never have to say a word...

some day,
i will fall out of
this siesta.

bright-eyed,
a euphoric covering yet sadness simultaneously lives beneath.
heated flush yet bones bitten with chill within.

right person, wrong time.

a day
not soon
i lie to myself...

take your time
but hurry . . .
and wake me
from this comatose sleep. . .

mutually assured destruction

ash-free air
fading skyline

melodies of
rich warm
and
harmonies of
deep cool

muted pastels,
peaches and pinks
matching her cheeks

Pluto Projector
Rex Orange County

stargazing
solo

star clusters
galaxies
constellations

bears
archers
scorpions
scales
­
off-balance
head spinning
stomach turning
breath caught
and eyes closed...

she swore the moon
was advancing

whispering
how happy her sun is
with her absence...

i think you could be someone i could get used to.
someone i could want to spend all of my time with.

though i don't know you yet,
i just know this.

i haven't gotten lost in your eyes yet,
but so far they make me feel at home.
the way they say so much, so many loud things but so, so quietly.

i was never taught how to swim yet i find myself swimming out of the cold, deep, crystal blue water and diving into your soft green milky way.

i think you could be someone who could easily dazzle me, without even trying.

it's exciting here
it's scary here
but it's quiet here.

you are the beaming comet bursting it's way through my galaxy
that i never saw coming,
and i am making space for you . . .

i think you could be someone i could fall for
without even knowing it until it has me shattered into billions of stars scattered across the vast indigo sky . . .

i think you could be someone i could care for
with everything i am, without even trying . . .

i do not want to mess it up
i do not want to speak too soon or move too fast
i do not want to scare you off or say too much
i do not want to make you hurt
i do not want to overthink . . .

i think you could be someone i would want to have and belong to in return without a single doubt in sight . . .


i think you could be someone i could get used to.
someone i could want to spend all of my time with.

though i don't know you yet,
i do know this.