I need you
to be strong for me
when I am weak
& one blink away
from tears falling.

I want to be
strong for you
when you are fragile
& one breath away
from breaking.

i don't want you to be blinded by how you feel about me now. i want every part of you to love every part of me...not just what your eyes want you to see standing before you...but also what your mind knows...what your heart feels...& what your soul was made for...

how long until you taste me & realize that you've been starving?

i'd rather hear your silence than anyone else's voice.

i lost my mind the way i lose my rings in the washing machine

unexpectedly & suddenly


i can't find my mind the way i can't find my mom in the grocery store

scattered, scared, relentlessly & helplessly

I have to leave these walls
and everything I know
behind
in order to get back to
myself.

She deserves to be
found again.

we were like seeds
from wildflowers, scattered
without intention of growing
into something beautiful, but we did
unknowingly, i left myself
like the curdled ketchup
in the cracks of the concrete, never
knowing if that's really what it was.

Words almost said.

Almost is not enough.

Is it worth the pain?

Only one way to find out.

Predicted reactions, overthinking outcomes; better prepared.

What do we do now, moving forward?

Stuck within the safe middle-ground, no...

You'll grow tired of me.

What do I do now...

Could we just leave & live a life together?

Would it be better?

Are there ever consequences to real love?

Humans put the pain in love when there isn't supposed to be.

We complicate things & overcomplicate everything.

Let's just be simple.

Let's just... b e .

Let's just exist.

Let's just love because tomorrow is never promised.

Tomorrow is never promised, so let's just
l o v e . . .

the thought of hurting me
no longer hurts you.

all she does is love.
yet she feels like
she's only a magnet
for people who want
to hurt her.

"you cast her in a role
that isn't her,
and you trap her in it."

he's a soft place to land,
where the black doesn't turn white
but gray at the very least.

he is the comma in a sentence,
the moment amidst the story
and every time after.

he uses our friendship
to end debates,
his bathroom soap smells sweet like sticky dates.

the world moves south but we go north,
against the current
and we're heading straight for the storm.

I just want to
hold your hand
when you experience
your best moments
sad moments
successful moments
dark moments
imperfect moments
exciting moments
sleepy and bored moments
lost moments
authentic moments
adventurous moments
lowest of the lows
& your sensitive moments.
Something as simple as
being there for you
when you need me to be.
I want you to want me to be.
I want to make sure
we are in this together.

you always knew we would end this way...
it's why you held me so tight..

is the room really foggy
or is it just my eyes?

I'm sorry
I know you're busy.

I will learn to walk
on my own.

What I meant to say was
could you please
help me walk?...

If I go
would you even cry?

I never know
if the externalities
cause my internalities
or vice versa.

Hold me more,
it makes the frost bite
reverse.

If we had the chance,
would you want me
to love you?

I'm sorry
I know that you are busy

I'm sorry
I love you.

I'm sorry..

"A lifetime spent with you will never be long enough"

"Let's start with forever."

i wasn't the one who lied
making you feel secure...
safe...
like i would stay by your side...
like it was okay to not be ready...
only to make you pay for it for 6 months...

SIDE     A :              
       
"you said you'd grow old with me"   : michael schulte
"find my way back"                              : eric arjes
"no matter where you are (wed.v.)"   : us the duo
"dancing in the kitchen"                      : lany
"figure"                                                  ­: anoraak
"molly"                                                ­  : lil dicky
"rosyln"                                                 : bon iver

SIDE      B :

"pancakes for dinner"                          : lizzy mcalpine
"i'm with you"                                      : vance joy
"i remember everything"                    : zach bryan
"satellite"                                              ­ : harry styles
" here with me"                                     : d4vd
"if you ever want to be in love"          : james bay

am i still there?
i'm still there.

warm flesh & blood
now phantasmagoria
& a gentle breeze
that sweeps your hair
from out of your eyes.

(yearning for) retrograde amnesia.

i can't forget
the sound.

agnosia.

flashbacks of when
i grazed you
& it made you audibly silent,
visibly warm, & full of bliss...

fast-forward to you
recoiling from my touch.
now cold, painful, & unwelcome.

can you still feel me?...

aphasia.

it always upset you
when i couldn't say what
i meant.

apraxia.

the cognitive dissonance
experienced is how much?

amnesia.

i don't want to forget any of it.
i want to remember it all.
i don't want you to forget any of it.
i want you to remember it all.

it's january 4th
& the sky had never been more baby blue.

it's january 4th
& my love for you is as pure as the frosty tips on the blades of grass in the morning.

it's january 4th
& the parking lot seagulls turn this buslting city into an intimate warf off of the coast of some state...

it's january 4th
& it's the beginning after an end.

it's january 4th
& this weather makes me simultaneously want to go walk in the woods, exploring all the parts of this town i have yet to find beauty in and wrap myself in a blanket in bed & never leave this house again.

it's january 4th
& i hate the bitter winter wind burning my ears but i walk my dog in it anyway because she loves it, and i love her.

it's january 4th
& there are so many dragons i have yet to slay or even know what they will be or when they will come for me...

it's january 4th
& i am trembling. i shut my eyes tight, & curl into a ball...praying for sleep to overcome me...

it's january 4th
& i can't wait for january 5th.

I.
"i'll keep you safe"
sleeping at last

II.
"turning page"
sleeping at last

III.
"the moon song"
beabadoobee, oscar lang

IV.
"chasing cars"
(sleeping at last cover)
&
(grace gaustad cover)

V.
"two"
sleeping at last

I love who I am while I am with you.

No more promises,

Because nothing is guaranteed in this life

Everything we thought we'd have can be taken away in the blink of an eye. . .

my evening walk,

i barely remember a thing.

a blur of street lamps polluting the night sky full of stars with names we can't pronounce...

you is all that occupies my mind now.

i hope that is okay

is that okay? . . .

i haven't forgotten about you

without me,

but me without you

i have.

an unthinkable time

an unbearable thought

an uncomfortable feeling.

i wasn't sure what i wanted then,

but i'm sure now that i don't want your feelings to ever change.

i don't know my way back yet

but i will.

& when i do i promise i will let you know...

i don't know what it is yet

but there's something about you

that pulls me into your orbit

& something about me

that draws you closer into my gravity...

"you can't have one without the other"

we don't know what it is yet,

but when we do,

we'll let each other know.

our love is like bruised fruit--
irreversibly-damaged,
sickeningly sweet,
& difficult to throw away for fear of wasting something that may still taste good.

"to be ignored is to have your existence denied."

leave.

they say

run.

they say

stay...

i say

leave.

they say...

I.
"gimme love"
joji

II.
"sanctuary"
joji

III.
"glimpse of us"
joji

IV.
"your man"
joji

V.
"like you do"
joji

VI.
"wanted u"
joji

VII.
"i'll see you in 40"
joji

VIII.
"slow dancing in the dark"
joji

IX.
"will he"
joji
[she]

X.
"afterthought"
joji, benee

XI.
"yukon (interlude)"
joji

we're all broken.
some, just bent.
some of us, we're picking up the pieces..
some with help from another..
some alone.

some barrel forward
hoping the demons
won't catch up.

this used to be about
outrunning
my demons..

you've helped me
see what they really are
& their intentions with me.

i've come
face-to-face
with them..

now this is about
slaying them.

i had a dream that my mom threw a surprise birthday party for me.

you were the first one to arrive, in a suit and tie, too.

he was an hour away, roaming the halls of a museum, admiring art with my best friend instead.

it's not hard to make a decision when you're standing right in front of me.

flushed cheeks, dark hair, and the scent of a little too much champagne sparkling off of your tongue as you say anything just to make me laugh.

you made me feel
like i was something . . .
you left suddenly
and tried (and succeeded)
to make me feel like
nothing . . .
i convinced myself
that it's okay
because i love you . . .
but it isn't . . .

I give you
my heart
in pieces.

Piece
by
piece.

One
by
one.

Please,
be gentle with it
as it's as fragile as
butterfly wings.

Don't hurt me
(on purpose)

I will break.

[intro verse]
you were good
made me believe
said no need to worry,
she's just a friend, relief . . .

[chorus]
now i stand in disbelief
heartbroken one million three
pieces fractured into dust
but your love just turned into lust . . .

now i stand in disbelief
hands on hips
& lips to lips
missing you, your heart, your kiss
you said there's "nothing to miss" . . .

[acoustic outro verse]
you were good
made her believe
she was your world
your love
and safe
"she's my best friend", sigh
but it was always a lie . . .