words.

turning my pain into words.

never to hurt

only to heal,

myself.

to help me process . .

help me cope . .

help me learn . .

help me grow . .

help me change .  .

help me feel & express

the mess that's tangled within . .

help me remember,

who i am.

i realize i don't have to end things

in order for my endless night to cease . .

i only have to keep waking up

until my sun finally rises with me .  .

i can learn to live

learn to survive

learn to thrive

in the darkness . .

blindly trusting

that the sun will rise again

through my seemingly endless night . . .

things we cannot say in person

things we shouldn't say out loud

things we should have said that one time

things we could have said that day

things we're too afraid to speak

things we're not sure we should feel

things we need to say

things we want to tell

things we rehearse but will never spill off our tongues

things we're not proud to express

things we're struggling to put into words

because the words don't do it justice, still.

You will never see me
when I'm
happy
dancing
laughing
singing

Or when I wear
that cute pink sweater
I bought just for cuddling
with you

Cuddling with you..
Something that we'll never get to do

~~

You will never see me
when I'm
f
a
l
l
i
n
g
down my darkest days
and crying while I'm half awake
at 2.

And I won't have you there to pick me up
& hold me tight or
tell me
"everything will be okay, my dear."

"Everything will be okay"
Something that we'll never
get to say

~~

You will never see me
when I'm walking down
bright city streets,
wishing you were here
hand in mine.

City lights & color-changing trees
and endless "I love you's"
whispered underneath
our sheets below
a rainy day

Slow kisses below a rainy sky,
Something that we'll never get
to do again

"he's looking at you"

he says.

"no he's not..."

i deny.

"i'm not even in his view..."

i say.

~

this is me healing.
this is me longing.
this is me struggling.
this is me living.
this is me loving.
this is me moving on.
this is me finding myself.
this is me forgiving myself.
this is me loving myself.
this is me remembering.
this is me recovering.
this is me trying.
this is me learning.
this is me changing.
this is me growing.
this is me falling.
this is me standing back up.
this is me reflecting.
this is me coping.
this is me processing.
this is me expressing.
this is me feeling like myself again.
this is me healing.

~

it's sad how
everyone who treat you poorly
are the same ones
who tell you
you don't deserve
to be treated that way.

i'm scared i'm not your safe space anymore..

afraid i no longer feel like home for you..

(home should feel safe...comforting...warm...and familiar..
only now you make me feel damaging...uncomfortable...cold...& unfamiliar..)

~~~

deprived of your gentle touch..

the warmth of your ivory skin,

violet veins beneath the surface..

(was it all a facade?..
i thought i knew which was which..
"i feel like you don't know me . . .)

~~~

i feel pale.

fevered flushed cheeks; a warm cinnamon..

celestial confetti decorates my skin..

i yawn. sleepily walking through a soiree..

i look for you.

but i can never find you anymore..

i reach out my hand and . . .

~~~

. . .i fall to the forest floor..

it's quieter than usual.

snowflakes drifting down, lightly dusting the frosty limbs..

the bridge we once crossed, what was on the other side? . .

~~~

am i really afraid of losing you?

or am i afraid of losing them?

or am i only afraid of losing myself . . .

~~~

which is worse?

i ask myself:

mourning the loss of a loved one who is no longer with us..

or mourning the loss of someone who is still breathing, loving & living on somewhere without you?...

pressure...

wind blows harder

will you leave me
if i'm still broken?

pressure...

i'm doing what i can
with what i have
with all that i
currently am...

never knowing
anymore
if you'd go
or no...

"shale, screen your worries..."

she's fragile
and she's trying to
break down her walls
gently for herself
for you
for both...

"from what you won't ever find..."

she won't ever feel fully ready
for something this scary...

it means too much to her
to risk it being ripped
from her hands again...

hands trembling, always.
wishing you would
just hold hers...

simultaneously,
it means too much to her
to not risk what could be
beautiful...

she doesn't know
if would you be there
to catch her
when she falls.

glass.
running on glass..

"holding on for dear life"

realizing that i can't
rip the band-aid off
if the wound is not
healed beneath...

give me time...

if you want to leave, leave...

i will need you still..
i will want you still...

I don't know why I
foolishly waited
for you to say
"Happy Valentine's Day".

I don't know why I
foolishly waited
for you to
pick me up and swing me around
like you were happy to see me.

I don't know why I
foolishly waited
for you to pull me close
kiss me slowly
softly
gently.

I don't know why I
foolishly waited
for you to
tell me how much you want to make me feel wanted and loved by you.

I don't know why I
foolishly thought
you would do all of these things.

I don't know why I
am always surprised
when you
laugh at me
instead of listening to me
when I need you to...

I don't know why I
still allow you to hurt me
somehow, even while my guard is up.

I don't know why I
still let you in
knowing you can walk away so easily
and let me walk away
while I cry...

I don't know why I
am still lying to myself, saying
"he does care for me..."
"he does want me..."
"he does need me..."
"he does know me..."
"he does see me..."
"he does understand me..."
"he does love me..."
"he doesn't want to hurt me..."

I'm tired
of living in constant
trauma
from innocently loving you

I'm tired
of living in constant
pain
as my consequence for loving you

I'm tired
of worrying about
not having my family by my side
as punishment for loving you

I'm tired
of feeling like
everything but
myself...

Anger

Grief

Sadness

Impatience

Unkindness

Hop­elessness

Shame

Wrongful

Disappointing

Beyond repair

I'm tired
of being called
names I don't dare write
by those who say they love me

I'm tired
of the judgement
I've received from those whose
opinion I value most

I'm tired
of the abuse I had to
endure (still)
& then be told I
"did it to myself"

I'm tired
of living like this.

I'm tired.

This is not like me.

I'm tired.

I cannot do this anymore.

I'm tired.

I miss myself.

I'm tired.

I'm tired of not being happy.

I'm tired.

if i woke up
and didn't remember
you...
would you
make me fall for you
all over again?
A chance to love
each other again...
a beautiful hope
with endless possibilities...
or would you
take the opportunity
to become
a stranger...
unacquainted...
unfamiliar...
falling into the background
instead of for me? . . . . .

"I don't think I ever truly felt time until I started waiting to see you. Of course when I'm with you, I don't feel time in the slightest".

everything i was

everything i stood for

identity pulled from me

turned inside out

disected all the wrong parts

placed in the hot spotlight

backed into the corner...

no one by my side

no one there as i fell & kept falling...

learned to be there for myself...

no more relying on anyone...

no more believing anyone...

voice taken from me.

words stolen.

thoughts no longer mine.

emotions never belonging to me.

forgot who i was...

nothing i could do or say...

lost myself...

all i wanted was to be happy again.

to be myself.

to love
& be loved.

i built my wall...my protection from others who would try to pull me down just to hurt me.

i'd never let anyone see that they got to me...

couldn't let anyone in...crashing into who i really want to be...vulnerable.

could you feel it?

could you understand why i am who i am?

crying the oceans into existence while you lived on...

made to feel like someone else...

made to feel like my trauma is my fault...

made to feel like my pain was because i did it to myself...like i wanted this...

stripped of all my happiness..

made to feel like i allowed myself to be taken..

always taken.

taken for granted.
taken advantage of.

what will be next?...

will you hte me?...

will you hte that i am not healed yet?...

will you hte that i need your hand?...

will you hte the very thought of me?...

will you shiver at the thought of me wanting to love you...

tires worn

tread worn

soles torn

souls torn

will you let me mend yours?. . .

i will breathe you back to life, my love. . .

one gentle kiss grazed upon your warm skin

i want to put the life back into your eyes...

pain lives there

pain lies there

pain lies, love. . .

"don't let it fool you..."

you will breathe again...
you will live again
you will feel again
you will be sure again
you will be okay again...

take my hand, you are drowning...

i can't swim either, but if we need to  t r e a d
we tread together...

i see you from across the room...

torn between casting my gaze downward
or
embracing you with all of the life, love, and protection i feel for you...

which one do you want me to do...

one look
from across the room
and see all the hurt
that's ever inhabited your heart,
weighing you down..
one touch
gently grazing your arm
and i feel the hurt i've caused you..

you don't deserve this..
you deserve to feel seen..
inside and out..
the light and the dark..
and you deserve all of it to be loved..
it's my job to protect you..
it's my job to love you..

but what do i do when the one hurting you is myself?...
how do i protect you from me?...
i can either go away forever..
or i will be better for you..
that's how.
but you choose . . .

i feel it..
you never let me forget it..
i feel it every day,
waking or sleeping,
that goes by
that you don't say a word . .

you said you've really been enjoying our conversations lately

& that you'd love to get some coffee soon.

i can't let myself know you that way, i think we'd hurt each other greatly.

if you really saw, would you like how i look, beneath the light of the moon?

the tide rises higher and higher
each second.

white waves crashing hard onto the cliffside.

wind pushes,
chill, biting me to the bones.

no sun to be felt gently grazing upon my pale skin.

the warmth is gone...

only sad songs travel through the wires.

hands trembling, always.

terrified...

("aren't we just terrified?...")
"Roslyn" Bon Iver

no more trust...never knowing if you'll just disappear or stay any second...

that baby pink sweater i bought just for snuggling with you...

fading...fading...f a d i n g... gone.

that's all that i feel i have left of you...memories.

"i had all and then most of you, some, and now none of you...take me back to the night we met..."

i wonder if you would ever let me touch you again...

blurred city lights rushing past.

running on glass...

dreams of you.

"dreams".

hurting...avoiding...ignoring...walking...hiding­...hurting...

the most terrifying part of the nightmares
is that they remain reality
when i open my eyes...

"rather be dead"

"rather be dead..."

i had a dream my room was empty.

one second to the next,
i stumble, i struggle
to contain the screams.

i've been holding my breath
afraid that if i exhale, a cry will
make its way out instead.

grieving the loss of someone who is no longer with us
v.
grieving the loss of someone who is no longer with us
but sees you from across the room
and chooses to look the other way...

(and this time, it isn't because they didn't want you to notice that they love you.)

dear j,

"i want to feel all that love and emotion...be that attached to the person i'm holding...someday i'll be falling...without caution...but for now i'm only people watching..."

have i really messed this up this badly? . . .

a friend tells me you've moved on already. . .

is this true? . . .

refusing to even consider the mere notion. . .

"what do they even know about him?"
i try to justify..

but what do i know about you? . . .
what do you choose to show me? . . .

what do they even know about me?...
nothing compared to what is.

what even matters now? . . .

what matters to me doesn't seem relevant or significant if you no longer long for me the way i long for you . . .

i want you to know that this is painful.
i sit here waiting for you to say what you really mean...
maybe you just don't want to hurt me. . .
but i assure you that keeping me here not loved is worse
than being honest and leaving me behind..

...wish you would tell me the real reason why...

...wish you would tell me...

...real reason...

...why...

you can't say i didn't tell you to tell me things...
it wouldn't be true.

...bare wrist...

do i get to love you?
do i get to live alongside you?
do i get to press my lips to your neck & feel the warmth of your touch..
do i get to be the only one...
do i get to have you..

..or do i only get to watch you grow and love someone else from the sidelines...

"i want to feel all that love and emoiton...be that attached to the person i'm holding...someday i'll be falling...without caution...but for now i'm only people watching..."

sincerely,
d

i will give in to your emotional games
and word you are so obsessed with . . .
villain.
make me that . . .
but you have no idea,
what it's like for me.
no matter how much i try to tell you,
you have no idea,
what i feel.
no matter how hard i try to express it . . .

sometimes
i like to pretend
that you're watching me.

memorizing my every move.

noticing all of the subtle details.

counting the lines around my face.
("Mercy" Lewis C.)

wanting to keep me in your life because i mean something to you...

slowly falling into each other...

you are my oxygen..

"i fell in love the way you fall asleep...slowly, and then all at once."

if you drink the poison . .

you can't have one without the other

if you drown . .  

you can't not have one without not having the other



.

as the sky changes from bright baby blue
to soft yet vivid oranges, golds, pinks, and violets

we see psychologists
instead of each other

we go home
instead of dinner, together

i do my homework
instead of looking into your icy blue eyes
to feel everything you feel,
those silent, wordless conversations
that fall between us..

you quietly watch films by yourself
instead of gently pressing your lips
against mine..

what happened to lifetimes...

what happened to endless exploration...

what happened to forever never being enough...

i wonder if
you still read
my poems
or if you
stopped
when they
ceased to be
about you . . .

"it's only been six days," he says.

"well to me, it feels like an eternity". . .