the right one won't mind being with you even when you're at your worst & all of your days have darkened.

"i will always love you."
i love that you mean what you say.

"i see you more as a friend."
i hate that you mean what you say.

dear j,

i'm trying not to allow my emotions get the best of me.
i won't lie and tell you that that isn't hard,
because it is.
that's all i've ever been.
a little ball of intense emotions, longing to unravel, simultaneously scared to let you see because i fear you'd abandon me after being vulnerable.
i've learned that fear, is a liar.
it drives us to hesitate...procrastinate...prolong inaction.
so i also learned something about myself.
my fears exist because things are so important to me, i don't want to lose them.
and you are one of those things.

last night,
i stood in front of the mirror hanging on my bedroom wall
as an intrusive revelation danced through my head...
i've always hated myself for feeling so connected to others that i feel an unhealthy attachment.
and if i'm honest, that has never been "poison" for another...
it has only ever been "poison" to myself.
some people's chemicals combine awfully with ours and a toxic chemical reaction occurs damaging our outlook on the world, love, and ourselves...
while some people's chemicals combine smoothly, beautifully, naturally, and organically enhancing our outlook on love, challenging our perspective on the world, and supporting our mindset of ourselves.
call me mad...but i realize that i am not co-dependent either.
i have never felt like i needed anyone in order to feel complete..
at least not anymore..
"be with someone you WANT to be with,"
my mother says to me...
"not someone you NEED..."

i've never wanted someone
before i saw you..

i know who i am.
i feel complete on my own.
i love feeling independent.
i feel comfortable being by myself (not that i always love it...that would be lonely & selfish of me).
i'm aware i am equipped with everything i need within (though you are my compliment).
i can emphasize & embrace myself.
i can be deep, true, & authentic.
i am confident in what i'm crafted to do in this life...
this one life...

i love who i am.
i feel beautiful & happy in my own skin that i don't depend on other's words to view myself as worthy or valuable.
i used to hate my sensitivity in this wicked world but now i realize that it is a gift...
it is a rarity
and i will never allow anyone to convince me otherwise.
i wouldn't rather be anything or anyone else.

i want you in my life.
and that's my problem now.
you no longer want me in yours.

i called you..
you picked up on the third try..
then hung up after one second
like it was an accident.
was it?

i learned three things.
1) promises were meant to be broken.
2) perhaps i'm the only one in it for "we".
3) your love is conditional..

i'd love you no matter where we are or
what circumstances we are in...making the most of what we would have, through the thick and thin.
while you will only love me now if circumstances are...perfect.

my present best will not be my forever best.
i've not asked for too much..
and neither have you, love...

my one question for the evening is;
if we can have each other some day..if we met again..
would you still want me?
would you want us . . .

sincerely,
d

if getting hurt
is what it will take
to feel his care and love
again, then so be it...

fever.

the room is spinning around me

but i lay very still...

my body trembles from the absence.

your love.

the lie.

i close the car door...

hope no one hears my screams...

my scarf muffles each violent exhale of grief

each desperate gasp for life.

i wince from the pain.

funny how i feel most like myself...

hurt.

by myself.

i feel alive.

i feel things.

i feel everything.

except the lie.

i thought i minded
when external forces
kept us apart...
turns out, it feels
a whole lot worse
when it is ourselves.

carpet floor,
i rest my chin
atop my knee.

behind the door,
swallowed whole
by my oversized
tear-stained
t-shirt.

i sit back against the
velvet green and red
holiday skirts,
work jeans,
and pajama tops.

muffled sobs
amidst the
kaleidoscope closet.

nowhere is my
comfort zone
when i feel this way...

bruised wrist.

bloodshot eyes.

raw cupid's bow.

broken heart.

why...
all i can ask
why...does everything i do and say...
all i can feel
everything i do...
all i can think
every breath i take...
all i can believe
everything i say...
all i can see
every little thing...
just
why...


bittersweet memories
or just bitter.

watching you
walk beside her...
behind the tall glass,
watching her inaudible laughs
as you make jokes to her...

watching as your smile disappears
when i'm around.

the physicality
of emotion
as i feel my heart
ache...pounding...
quieter as if it knows
it's about to break
if i allow myself to look...

to look when she walks
you to the door...
smiling
laughing
talking
dancing...

all i can do is watch...
or pretend i do not see...
i hate that i always do.

the way i'm making everything worse
when i try to make them better...

you hate it.
you hate it.
you hate it.

wondering why you don't see...
why you don't see why i'm always so unsure..

you tell me in your silence...
you tell me in your eyes...
you tell me in your words, if i'm lucky...

the words that are daggers,
slowly twisting blades,
deeper, without remorse.

the way it feels as though
you want me to know
how bad i make everything...
how inconvenient my
too-much-not-enough existence is...

like a tick that won't let go...

actions speak louder than words.
silence speaks louder than both.

water turns to ***.

night sweats
and tangled hair tossed into
a too-high bun.

stragglers of stray
curls, twirls and twists
falling gently on either side
of flushed cheeks.

when sunrises won't turn to sunsets
fast enough.

a red rubber band.

five-hundred no's.

tears and tummy aches.

silence . . .

a beige rubber band.

silence follows . . .

i loved who i was...

silent words.

i loved who we were...

you never noticed me since...

tears and tummy aches.

i'm unsure of who i am these days

do you make me forget
or remember?

masterpiece.

work-in-progress.

human.

mistakes.

"­**** near perfect"...

mess.

*"best"...

if you saw me again
would you fall in love
for the first time
all over again?

would you turn around
& walk the other way,
hoping i didn't see you too?
or would you want me
the same way i want you?

would you tell them
you hoped you'd never see
my face after all this time?
or would you miss me
the way we did when you were mine?

would you stop to say hello,
the how've you been's?
planting hope's seeds?
or would you tell me
you realize that we're
all you'll ever need?

my melatonin kicked in strong & the last thing i remember seeing through the sleepy haze was a bright & golden 11:11 staring boldly back at me, demanding to be wished upon...
i made a wish but i can't remember what it was.

i crafted my heart into carefully selected diction for you, you said it meant more than i'd ever know to you...if that was true then why did you let me go?...

were you just an undercover bad boy, a face behind a masquerade mask? were you just sweet because you knew i always have a sweet tooth, because you knew you should be? were you remarkably thoughtful because you knew i was too, so i could think we were cut from the same cloth?...

i wake up every morning & wonder if you still think of us & how it all took a turn so soon. do you still think about the fun we had? do you still remember how we could never say goodbye before midnight with messy hair & flushed cheeks? do you still think about the stranger smiles & glances shared between two, the way the peach wine made me dizzy or the way you held my hand against your stick shift...

i gave you my everything because i knew you appreciated it...i gave you my all because i knew you loved it...because i knew you wanted to see it, know it, have it, want it, need it, keep it...

but were you just an undercover bad boy, just another face in the sea of strangers? were you just another narcissistic sociopath with an ulterior motive posing as a regular? were you just another walking heartbreaker, was i just another pawn in your game? was it all just a game?...

i remember thinking you were mine forever, and i can't say that you loved me because you never got there, but tell me darling why, why did it feel like you did?...

i was honest, i was true...i was falling without a clue...i was brave, i was bold...i was new, and you knew...i was me, we felt free...we were real, we were deep...we were vulnerable, we were everything they all wish they had...

please tell me darling that you were never just an undercover bad boy...tell me you were everything you showed yourself to be...that you were exactly who you told me you were, & that your feelings were true...tell me you meant every word, every dance, every song, every smile, every kiss, every touch, every glance...

broken promise

it's too late.

i roll the windows down

allow the wind to dry my cheeks

no one must know...

crying is a terrible understatement.

so is dying.

fading memories of you telling me you loved me

fading...fading... f a d i n g...gone.

you never wanted to hurt me

days later you rip me to shreds...

you say it's my fault that you won't come.

i rely on you no longer...

why should i feel safe with you?

i will no longer let you hold my heart...i don't trust you with it.

"i will always want to be gentle with your heart"

you said.

"i want to take care of what's in there"

you say pointing to the beating heart within my chest...

you didn't mean it.

you just wanted something to hold against me.

one.
my own blood abhors me.

two.
i will always remain
myself
and there will always be
others
who will paint me with colors
on their own palette
while wearing one-way mirror lenses.

~~~~~

our love & forgiveness
is not the same.

your words won't hurt me anymore.
because i know that they aren't true.
our mother taught me that.

i know what i know . . .
i know what i feel . . .
i know why i feel it . . .
i know what i know . . .

we are not the same.

i have seen what hate does.
so i never let it do it to me.

i see the bad & the ugly,
and i choose not to treat others
differently because of it.

because that is what He would do . . .

because that is who i am too.
we are not the same.

i can hate what someone does,
but i will never hate them.

we are not the same.

i choose to love.

i choose to not let it
eat me up from the inside out.

i choose peace within myself.

yet you see it as stupidity . . .
and arrogance . . .
and blindness . . .
and weakness . . .
and cluelessness . . .

but i know that it is my biggest strength.
i cannot shatter anymore . . .
i surprised myself.
(this is not a crime)

simultaneity.

it won't bother me.

i am sorry that you choose to let it do this to you.
i cannot convince you . . .

i can and will always be what i am
and there will always be one.
(why did it have to be you? . . .)

i will grow and change but remain the same,
deepest.

i choose to see & love anyway.

though, i don't choose to stay
where i am repeatedly hurt,
no longer loved,
manipulated,
invalidated,
minimized . . .

i can be
sensitive
and
strong.

i can be
quiet
and
intelligent.

i can be
unapologetically myself
and
humble.

i can be
protective
and
vulnerable.

i can be
sightful
and
loving.

we are not the same.

but i hope one day we will be.

2,429 miles couldn't make me
love you less, even if it tried.

no amount of states or streets
or the dozens of times i've cried.

you always make me smile
& comfort you never lack.

i love you more than words can say,
across the seas and back.

dear j,

"leaves are on the ground, fall has come...blue skies turning gray, like my love...i tried to carry you, and make you whole...but it was never enough, i must go...and who is gonna save you when i'm gone?...and who will watch over you when i'm gone?...you say you cared for me, but hide it well...how can you love someone, not yourself?...who will break your fall, who will you blame?...i can't go on and let you lose it all, more than i can take...who will ease your pain?...ease your pain...and who will give you strength when you're not strong?...who will watch over you when i'm gone away?...snow is on the ground, winter's come...you long to hear my voice, but i'm long gone..."

your eyes met mine today, twice.
i looked away..
did you mean that?
pinch me...maybe i was still asleep?

when we wake up,
are we still together? . . .

i can't help but think
about your bare wrist...

i can't help but think
about your bare wrist . . .

"you're not getting rid of me that easy"
i hear you say...

"you're stuck with me"
on repeat...

your voice once warm & sounding like home,
making me flinch awaiting pain to follow as my stomach turns from immense sadness...

i wish you would want me too..
i wish i felt like home to you..
comfort..

i want to fall for you
without caution . . .
i'm not ashamed of loving you . . .

are my fingers still tightly
laced with yours? . . .
i don't know.
yet part of me knows.
and that's the scariest thing
i could feel..

"it's hard to feel you slipping through
my fingers are so numb..."

i reach outward into the dark for you...

are you still there? . . .

i long to hear your voice.

are you long gone? . . .

sincerely,
d

you think you're winning

but i'm just as quick

you want me to crumble

crumble i may, but i have a whole deck up my sleeve

you think you're fooling me..

but i silently move across the board

fcking tired from playing this game of yours

free me...free me...

i'll let you make your moves

let you bend my fingers backwards until they break.

when i point them at you

show me the mirror all you want

i'll shatter it to bits

shards of glass cutting the skin on my knuckles

i'll show you i can hurt and still stand strong.

villain

make me that

make me fit into your box

show me off to all your friends

tell them what i've done

talk me down

tear me down

tell them what a monster i am

blood-thirsty gnashing teeth and razor sharp claws.

you want me to believe your image of myself..

want me to forget who i am..

hate myself..

self-destruct.

hold you accountable.

all the while you do nothing..say nothing

framing me.

molding me into the villain for the world to see..

but i see what you're doing

you know what you're doing..

you know..

but i know who i am

i know what i've said

i know what i meant

i know how i feel

why punish me for not knowing how you feel when you refuse to tell me..show me..

you *want me to be your villain so you don't become one..

that isn't how it works

we both know that

you know what you've said

you know what you never said

never done

you know how you left

with nothing..

giving me nothing

make me your villain

not your lover

make me your monster

not your love

make me into everything i know i'm not

have you forgotten who i am?...

who i was?...

have you forgotten that easily?...

what do you see when you look into the mirror and why hurt me for it?

i watch you, as you think you're succeeding

in bringing me to the ground

the ashes of your ex-villains

i know what i've said

i know what i've done

and don't tell me i don't when you punish me for it every waking moment...

score keeper...

while i forgave (but never forgot) the second after it happened..

i have to hold you accountable, i said..

i can admit and take responsibility for the hurt i have inflicted

but could you ever?...

for one moment, see the damage that you've done in return?...

if i drank the poison

i would not ask you to follow..

you stay here

and you l i v e . .

if i drank the poison

i would want you to stay..

heal..

feel..

hurt..

heal..

live..

hurt..

heal..

l­ove..

hurt..

heal..

l i v e

you deserve to live..feel loved..be loved..and love..

do not follow me..

you will hold on tight..

you will live, not exist..

you will live..

i thought there was a gnat on
my arm, so i smacked it.
turned out it was just black fuzz from
my sweater.
i count 3 little cuts on my hand from
who knows where.

i drove past his subdivision for no reason.
or maybe it was to feel closeness, proximity--a new old kind of intimacy.
i deny this. i accept this. i deny this.

my teeth have shifted, i am paranoid.
self-assigned 24/7 retainer again.
i feel as though my lungs are being squeezed.

the circles beneath my eyes seem darker every day.
the bruises on my legs increase in size, darkness, and number.
the scars and bumps on my cheeks have gotten redder.

i feel less and less like myself.
i feel monstrous. unlovely. holistically.
i feel that lump in my throat return as i realize this.

i think of how much i would be okay if he said goodbye.
my eyes are dry.
my stomach doesn't turn inside out anymore.

i play the same 3 songs on repeat.
the moon and i have 2 things in common:
spots. and wanting to be noticed.

i can never look at myself with the light on.
i don't allow myself to stand too close to a mirror,
afraid of the details i will find if i look too closely.

i tried writing today but probably stared at my reflection
in the laptop screen more than the words on the screen.
when will it end?

i scrapped the rest of my chipped nail polish off in the shower.
little bits of pink, lilac, and baby blue flow down the drain.
i forgot my razor under the bathroom sink.

when will this come to an end?
when will i be able to breathe again?
when will my eyes close and close for good?

i keep waiting for summer but what if summer
never feels like summer?
what will i have to wait for then, if not summer?

i forgot that it was your birthday.
i think that's a good thing.

dear j,

"when we wake up
are we still
together? . . ."

i was willing to struggle
with you . . .

a constant dance with your words . .
where did you go? . . .

"stuck with me"
i thought i was safe . . .

"not getting rid of me that easy"
this must be easy? . . .

"i will be here as long as you still want me to be"
i still want you to be . . .but that isn't making a difference . . .

i have no say . . .

i wish you'd have the heart
to tell me
you left
a long time ago . . .
to tell me
you moved on
a while back . . .
to tell me
you want me
gone . . .

i thought i knew you better.
i thought you wanted it too . . .
i thought i knew you so much better...
i thought it was real. . .
i thought we had magic...
i  thought i knew us better. . .

from,
d

elbows deep in flour,

always indecisive

but you know this.

everyone always loves it

don't they?

strawberry, lemon, apple, blueberry . .

a list 36 miles far.

the evening sky is painted,

violets, golds, pinks, and blues . .

i'm crumbling while i'm strong.

cranberry, raspberry, kiwi, fig . .

a walk 21 miles near.

i am deep

i am loved

i can show you i can bite..

you are there

i am here

one of us is always in the wrong place.

the sky looks as if all the stars exploded,

spectacular yet dangerous..

how could we forget? . . .

let me show you i can love
the deepest darkest
parts of you..

shirtsleeves stained with paint,

the kind He uses for the sky..

if i said i hated you, i'd be caught in a lie.

you know i can't, how could i ever?

when all we did was love until we hurt
and all that was left was
to hurt each others hearts..

we didn't have to, love we never had to..

did you?
did i?
did we?

i can show you i can love you hard,

with everything i have in me.

my bones, my mind, my heart, my soul

take it all or leave it all..

there is no in between, my heart

you can't say no but want part of me . .

we're all or nothing
show me how..

i'll squeeze your hand
so tight..

just don't let go so easily..

i left you so you'd be happy

but you seem more upset to me..

i have so much regret in me

do you feel it too, honey? . .

i couldn't love you better
because that was what i had

at the time.
but now i've learned some things
and see what now makes sense.

i know now what i didn't then
but could you ever see me the same?

could you ever

i wish i knew what comes to mind
when you hear my name..

do you say it softly
like i do
when i miss you most? . .

the way it rolls off of my tongue
like it's always been there..
waiting for the day
i shout it,
hands reached out
throughout the darkness..

will you grab them when it's
bright outside
or when it's just pitch-black inside?
or will you decide
never to
and let them fall back at my side . .

yellows, greens, blues, and you..

we're back at the beginning.

where you didn't know me
nor i knew you..

i felt i did,
first look
i knew..

is this what our ending looks like
or beginning in disguise..
black funeral or white wedding,
adventure of the new..