i dreamt i was protected
by an angel

a dark angel
who loved me

was i actually protected?
was i truly loved?

the soft yet crisp snow
beneath my boots,
cooling the earth's surface.

the violet, black, and indigo night sky
glowing with scattered
twinkling stars
like confetti.

muted, hazy gray clouds
stretched across the sky
in strips
like the arora borealis.

i can see my breath
when i exhale,
the warmth
proof i am still here...
if i am still here
i'm still supposed to be.

the moon shining so bright,
the brisk winter sky,
the endless woods,
my endless night
is calling me home...
it's calling me home . . .

the way he thinks like a movie
and talks like a scene

the world, shades of gray
now a symphony of green

i hear him when he sighs
and when he says, "i'm fine!"

when everything is tough ,
some words are never enough

stop trying to be so cool,
just try to be so sweet

i know we are together,
but my heart's not like a feather

i need you next to me
even when we're six feet deep

stop trying to be so cool,
just try to be so sweet

the way he moves like diction
and walks like a work of fiction

our world, no longer in distress
or a need to "dress to impress!"

i hear him when he's quiet
and when his mind feels like a riot

though everything is easy
i can't always be this cheesy

stop trying to be so cool,
just try to be so sweet

i know we are together,
but my heart's not like a feather

i need you next to me
even when we're six feet deep

stop trying to be so cool,
just try to be so sweet

where are you running to?
what are you running from?
why are you running?
are we yet to begin or are we all done?

i pretend that you're gone
just to get through my day

i pick the daisies from my lawn,
he forgets me, he forgets me not
just to get by, darling tell me this isn't the only way?

I call out for you
reaching my hand out
to pull you out
from under...

You don't seem to hear me
nor do I feel you want to

I ask everyone around me
"Have you seen him?"
. . .
"Do you know where he went?"
. . .
No one seems to know
nor do I feel they want to tell me

Why are you slipping away?
Was I right all along?
Will I make you realize
I am not what you
thought you loved?
Will I make your eyes see
who I really am
to watch you turn around & walk away. . .

My hand pulls back
as I fall into the black void
between vivid dreams & waking life

Toss & turn..
but when I wake,
will I still be dreaming? . . . . .

The scent
of your skin,

The touch
of your hands,

The sound
of your voice,

The taste
of your words;
hard to swallow pills,

The look
in your crystalline eyes

Haunt me
like unwelcomed ghosts.

"I'm sorry.."

It's okay..
I should have done
something sooner.

i feel pale.

fevered flushed cheeks; a warm cinnamon . .

celestial confetti decorates my skin . .

i yawn.
sleepily walking through a copper monochrome soiree . .

i look for you.

my glassy hazel-brown eyes
fixating on every pair glazed over in the room
until they meet your crystal baby blue . .

but i can never find you anymore . .

i make a fist in my sweater sleeve
and find a deep cerise-colored stain
on the seams at the wrist . .

your pain is my pain . .

the withering wintery world whirling outside . .

the simultaneously lavish and monotonous lush
pressing within the lofty walls . .

i close my eyes tightly . .

inhale deeply & exhale quietly . .

i reach out my hand for you . . .

i'm reaching out my hand for you . . .

i want you to hold onto it for me

the day before

i will tell you what you meant to me

still mean to me

you may get pulled aside or distracted by another

i will say your name to bring you back

but i will leave before you get to see the tear fall from my cheek

the stairs will guide me to the edge of the woods..

you think i'm only sad..

what if feel is far more deep..

that will be the last time i will see you

it will be the last time you will see me

still warm

cheeks flushed with the color of life

oxygen being breathed through my lungs

the fading light within my milk chocolate-colored eyes

dimmed from the hurt that no one wanted to help me from

i'm sorry in advance, for staring so much..

i will study the lines of your face one last time

i will listen for the warm, always-familiar tenor of your voice..

i will follow the trail with no footprints

i will go away, i promise you..

snow drifting

red nose

rosy cheeks

numb fingertips and toes

soon to be pale

purple

and

gray

i will remember you

and when you were sitting here next to me..

warm..

heartbeat increases, "i'm scared.." i said to you..

heartbeat  s l o w s . .

heartbeat stops.

the scarf wrung it's hands around my neck softly, & hung down my body, maroon, like blood dripping from my paper-cut finger.

the wind went to bed, leaving my hair to it's own devices, wispy & frizzing down either side of my pale face, as if summer hadn't yet touched my skin.

a fawn lept across a yard with only the
light of a streetlamp & the Super Blue Moon to illuminate it's majestic, tawny limbs.

you were my blue moon, my once in a lifetime.
how do we know we made the right decision?
you always knew how to make me laugh.
how do we know we made the right decision?. . .

i had a smile on my face

a pep in my step

and a light that never left

it never even strayed...

i knew i was made for love

but no clue for a one like this...

felt i was too much or not enough

and that you'd eventually see that through...

"i am not leaving as long as you want me here...you're stuck with me"

you'd say over and over and over...

but no amount of repetition would convince me otherwise.

you'll see someday i thought...
one day you'll see i'm too much & you'll run away
as if it is bound to happen...

but until then...

5th shot fired.

I stand alone once more
just the way I knew I would be.

The truth is out.

No longer something I carry
on my own.

If I was worth fighting for
why did it take this long
for you to want to?

A chance for conversation.

Would you deny me again?

I'm fighting...
fighting to make sure
I do not get backed into
the corner again
as I stand here alone
again...

Hands trembling
from the thought of
not feeling yours

Chasing after my breath
from the memory of
feeling you walk away

I have withdrawals
when we are apart

Is this too much?

Is it too much to want to
be by your side
every moment
my heart still beats?

I'm so easy to love
you tell me

I'm so worth loving
you say
There's so much to love...

But would you walk away
if you knew how much
I want to be able to love you
& be loved by you?

Would you walk away
if you felt the depths of my heart
& heard the way it beats louder than
ten billion fireworks,
and the roaring thunder of a thousand storms
at sea with its crashing waves
as all of the stars is the universe collide?

Would you still
if you knew how much
the butterflies in my stomach
make my cheeks turn red as rubies
every time our eyes meet?

Would you still love me
if you knew how far I'd go
to save you?

Would you laugh at
how much I want you to want me?
How much I want you to need me?

...or maybe
we'll just love without a care...
and just maybe we will match
each other's love & strengths
while we love like no one is watching...
like we only have this one moment...

one
moment...

the day will eventually be over...
the moment will eventually pass...
and you will be okay...
everything will be okay...
everything will settle...
everything will pass...

but will i be different once it has passed?...
.

it isn't always about
impressing anyone

but more about
impressing ourselves

self-image

it isn't always about
being pleasing to the eye

but more about
being comfortable in our
own flesh and blood

self-expression

let's let it be
more
celebrating
more
emphasizing
more
accentuating
more
embra­cing
what we fail to see that we already have

let's let it be
less
hiding
less
covering
less
masking
less
modifying
what we fail to see as
b e a u t i f u l.

self-worth:

it isn't always about
not seeing our worth
or not feeling good enough

it's more of
knowing our worth
and adding to it.

self-love:

it isn't selfish.
it's  n e c e s s a r y .

we cannot love another
without having loved
ourselves first.

no conditions.
no expectations.
no judgement.
only forgiveness.
only empathy.

self-knowledge:

one cannot know another
without having gotten to know
oneself first.

to know is to
see
listen
look
hear
seek
understand
learn
adjust
grow
forgive­.

there is beauty in all of us.
the greatest tragedy is
to be convinced otherwise.

no more hiding,
only embracing.

no more separating
ourselves
from who we are.

our idea of "perfection" does not exist.
you are imperfect
and that is perfect.

dear j,

i dance when i'm vivacious,
and bake when i'm euphoric.
i read when i feel unwanted,
and belt when i'm mad or broken-hearted.

what's seprating us?
feels like universes apart now..
an external variable,
an internal conflict,
or something between us
that only we can pull ourselves out of.

"two adults, both knowing the risks, we give things a shot. hurting each other is the last thing we want to do...how about i take care of me, you take care of you, i try not to hurt you, you try not to hurt me. what else is there? relationships are scary. you don't get all of that goodness and possibility with zero risk."

i'm sure you don't want to hear it...

you and me against the world.

i've never wanted someone
before i saw you..

sorry to complicate things by saying so..

not sorry.

but before you, sure i "wanted" someone. but perhaps only what they brought to the table. what they would make me feel..
but i "needed" them more than i truly wanted them, if that makes sense?... i needed them to feel complete. to feel whole. to feel good about myself. to feel loved. to feel okay. to feel happy. to feel worthy..

everything shifted...
everything on the inside.

i saw you..
and all i've wanted to do
is take care of you.
make you feel seen..
make you feel heard..
make you feel understood..
make you feel cared for..
make you feel worthy..
make you feel adored..
make you feel intelligent..
make you feel capable..
make you feel comfortable..
make you feel inspired..
make you feel confident..
make you feel humble..
make you feel okay..
make you feel well..
make you feel warm..
make you feel motivated..
make you feel pure jubilance amidst darkness
make you feel perfect by being yourself..human..
make you feel encouraged..
make you feel safe..
make you feel wanted..
make you feel strong..
make you feel taken care of..
make you feel courageous..
make you feel loved.

i no longer feel like i need someone to make me feel these things to feel like myself, comfortable, or whole.
does everyone want those things?
of course.
do i deserve them?
the only difference now is that i expect it from the one who says they feel those things for me. and i shouldn't have to plead for it. no one should. it's one of the the most self-destructive & disrespectful things one can do to oneself.

i feel like something is missing..
like there is something more..
and i long for you to tell me
the real reason why you
no longer want me..us..

who is two-faced?
either? neither?

when you look at me...do you feel, anything?...

hate...i painfully assume.
resentment...unbearably.

love is a complicated word.
you hate saying it.
it is a powerful word.
you hate it.
perhaps it is the most abused & misused word.
perhaps i've said it too much?
perhaps because i feel it too much?
is that even possible?...
i see that i haven't loved before.
infatuated with the person...in love with the elated ideas of them that were nonexistent and never could be...
and that scares me.
yet i see that you are not perfect
and i love you even more for that...

i have always believed that you should always make sure the one's you love know that you love them.
any second could be one's last.
who can say?...

i walk the line between
strong vulnerable desire and exuberant shamelessness...

stuck between
walking away because you want me to and embracing you, pouring every ounce of love within myself into you and never running dry..

which do YOU
want me to do, j?...
not them...
which do you...

love,
d

i want to tell you how i'm feeling

but i will hold it back

for you

i want to show you that i care

but i will pretend that i don't

for you

i want to show you how i'm hurting

but i will gently tell you no

for you

i want to tell you all about exciting things

but i will leave you alone

for you

i want to ask you how you're feeling

but i will try to keep things platonic

between us

for you









i'll feel less like myself, but at least i'll be taking care of you..

"there's things i want to say to you, but i'll just let you live...
there's things i want to talk about, but better not to give...
but if you hold me without hurting me, you'll be the first who ever did..."

I've found myself hiding
the moments
when I feel weakest
from you.

I want you
to see all of me,

but I sometimes
fear that if you saw me at my lowest,
you would
look down

and won't see how strong
I really am
& can be
anymore.

the snow storm is brewing

the blizzard will blanket itself across our town

the once green trees will be barren with brittle limbs frosted with white

the feeling of fallen leaves crunching beneath the soles of my boots

she thinks she understands but she doesn't . . .

looking up, i see the fluffy snowflakes clumped together, drifting down in irregular pattern

there is no wind this night.

only bitter cold.

he thinks he knows but he has no idea . . .

i stick out my tongue in hopes to catch a falling flake, one last time being my happy, loving, warm self.

they think i'm okay. they think i'm angry. they think i hate.

i dance like no one is watching, because no one is

i stretch out my arms and twirl like a ballerina performing upon her magnificent stage for the last time

a smile my lips make, but there's a tear falling from down my cheek.

the woods could never be quieter than they are in this moment.

i let out a scream at the top of my lungs... i listen in silence... no one will hear me.

peaceful. embracing.

i say im unapologetic, but i apologize all the time . . .

i continue walking.

the bridge with it's sister stream frozen and snowed over

memories frozen, still.

i walk to the edge of the woods, and turn left.

gazing with wonder and awe at the withering yet beautiful world surrounding me...

the winter blushing my cheeks and tip of my nose.

i breathe in a long breath and let out a short sigh.

i find a bench overlooking the tree line and sunset and the road with occasional passing vehicles.

first i sit, but then i lay down.

there i will close my eyes . . .

and there i will stay . . .

muscles, bones, blood, and flesh . . .

frozen, until the beating ceases

slowly, with the drifting snow.

tiny cold raindrops fall sporadically
onto my scarlet cheeks.
i close my eyes, looking up to the sky
i stick my tongue out
to catch them.

Violins, harps, & cellos. . .
a crescendo. . .

maximum melatonin
dosage
just to ensure sleep
away from hurting.

missing you is madness.
all i want is to r u n . . .

though i never feel like i know
whether or not
i want to run towards
or away from you.

The sky was
Red
Like the blood that my heart
Bled
While silent tears were
Shed,
Longing for all the words I wish you had
Said.
Yet instead, you hid and you
Fled,
My deepest fear that I
Dread.
The loudness & messiness inside of my
Head
Surrounded me as I lay perfectly still in my
Bed.
I wrote to you the words that I never
Said,
Waiting for an answer...
But you left me on
“Read”.

you
were
blinded
by me...
not
me
by you...

i saw
your
darkness,
mess,
faults,
insecurities,
fears,
imperfectio­ns...

i wanted
to love
you
more
for them...

"**** near perfect..."

"are all i want, need, & desire..."

i
let
you
in...

one
look
&
you
run
opposite
of me...

"You cut out a piece of me
and now i bleed internally
left here without you...
without you...
and it hurts for me to think about
what life could possibly be like without you...
without you...
it's gon' be hard here on my own
and even harder to let you go
i really wish that we, could've got this right..."

you are the softest color i have ever touched

your eyes a certain shade of nature at it's most overlooked finest.

my feelings for you are as pure as the snowflakes that drift slowly from the pale blue-gray sky that decorate your soft *****-blonde hair

i just see the beauty in every little thing that you do, no matter how trivial...the things that no one else seems to notice, not even you, sometimes.

the subtle movements of your eyes when you speak or the furrow of your brow while you're on the phone...the way calmness washes over your expression when i walk through the door or the way you take off your winter coat...the barely-there dimple that forms on your right cheek when you grin while petting my dog or the way your speech slows when you notice me tracing your name on your back...the faces you make while telling stories or how flushed you get when i tell you how much you mean to me...the way you tie your shoes like you did when you first learned how or the way you say goodbye when we're done talking on the phone...

only one month has passed us by, but i feel at peace knowing that there will be many, many more . . .

.

it's barely 8:36 a.m.

"why are you still here?"

she asks me . .

"why? if you're that miserable?"

she asks, not really wanting to know the answer . .

maybe she's right . .

why am i still here

.

& i miss you but i don't know what it is about you that i miss.

i don't want you that way anymore but thinking about you obsessed with someone else makes me jealous.

i miss your mere presence more with every minute that passes.

he's properly beautiful
even while eating the messiest burger.

i can't tell you how many times within just the past couple of days i just wanted to kiss you.

your smile makes me smile

blinded only by the condensation from my breath as we walk through the woods mid-december.

you drove 50 minutes just to see me for 30.

& it's really hard to talk to you like a friend, looking like that.

i want to know you...see you...understand you...feel you...protect you...care for you...want you...need you...love you...

everything friends wouldn't normally do.

"There's a possibility
All that I had was all I'm going to get...

So tell me when you hear my heart stop,
You're the only one who knows.
Tell me when you hear my silence,
There's a possibility I wouldn't know.
So tell me when my sorrow's over,
You're the reason why I'm closed.
Tell me when you hear me falling,
There's a possibility it wouldn't show..."

I always imagine myself
telling you exactly what
I am feeling in the moment,
and how I am feeling it.

This never goes as planned.

The rain pours heavily on
the car roof,
The windows are decorated
with droplets that cast a
gentle shadow, speckled across
your moonlit face.

When our lips meet,
the words never come
like I mean for them to...

When our lips meet,
the words don't work
nearly as accurately as
everything else does in the
moment...

Every subtle & gentle touch
is a language speaking all on its own.
We have no need to speak
with words any longer...

I know every word
you are telling me
without you even saying a thing...

The lightning lights up
the night sky
with every intention of
bringing us closer,
our electricity creating more..

The thunder
that our pounding hearts
make when we get one second
to reunite..

mirror across the room

standing alone

hands shaking

we think we are loving each other
when really,
we are only breaking...

i immerse myself
within the
melodies & harmonies
to push the
aching.

I'm running out of options,
how long can I keep quaking?

Pure intentions
perceived as enemy;
how now,
who's really doing the
forsaking?

Heavy rain

The scent of old frail book pages

Long aimless walks with my dog

Non-stop sunshine

Milkshakes at midnight after winning home football games with the marching band family

The stillness of the air in an empty dim-lighted auditorium

Blowing bubbles through a straw in milk

Beach adventures

Peaceful camping trips in the woods that disconnect me from the rest of the chaotic world

Gold sunrises & sunsets

Secretly hearing a stranger hum a song I'm unfamiliar with

"Messy hair don't care" days

Baking peach braids just because

Getting lost intentionally in New York City

Finding a hold-in-the-wall place to eat

Antique book shops

Googling a name & being amazed with the accuracy of the meaning behind it

Picking oranges, lemons, & grapefruit with my dad from his yard and making freshly squeezed juice

Practicing flute for my grandpa

Trying something new

Skating, even though I'm awful at it but still trying

Taking a candid photograph of a significant moment, soon memory

Kite flying on the beach with my little brother

Making a boquet out of wildflowers

Scary summer storms

Drives with no destination in particular

Up North Michigan

The way my mom would make oatmeal in the middle of the night for us to enjoy when we were little

Proudly planning my education

Writing poetry in the margins of a book

Vitamin Sea

Drying grapes into raisins on the windowsill

Eating & cherishing favorite childhood meals

Looking through old family photos & home videos on a VCR

Rummaging through my grandpa's "junk drawer"

The best egg salad sandwiches made by Nana

Papa's oversized flannel jacket

The cold wet nose of a dog

Soft warm blankets straight from the dryer

The scent of wood furniture

Thanksgiving spent at a cabin in the mountains

A first kiss

Raising caterpillars into butterflies & releasing them

Remembering how to play a song on the piano

A warm summer breeze

The smell in the crisp air after it rains during autumn

An unexpected thoughtful gift that says 'I know you'

Feeling well rested

A hotel room for one

Dancing in the kitchen late at night to music with my sister

Disciphering my Godmother's cursive calligraphy letters in the mail

My sisters hotel soaps collection

California Poppies

Drinking milk from a bag as a kid

Love finding me at an unexpected yet perfect time

You <3

if i could hold you

one more time

one more time
would not be enough..

would it be enough for you?

if i could hold you
and pull the pain
from within your chest
i would..

amoeba.

would that be enough?

would you ever let me in?

would you ever want me near you again..

would that be enough?

dear j,

i can't help but notice you walking by.
ever.
though it's only painful now,
you never seem to notice me.

do you feel anything when
you hear someone mention my name?...

patiently waiting for the day i stop waking up only to find myself still asleep in this heart-wrenching fever dream...


early morning walk,
harsh wind pinching my cheeks
until they're as red as roses..
sun concealed behind a blanket of
white and gray clouds..
i look down at my feet
as we make our way home.

my mind, a broken record...
memories of things
yet to happen...
i shouldn't
allow myself to have hope.

i reduce myself to a platonic soul.
something i am not...
"thanks" instead of "thank you"
nothing instead of "good morning" or "goodnight"
"love you" instead of "i love you" in fear that you may feel the "i" is too personal..

i wonder if you are receiving my letters.

you feel so far...
so out of reach...
fading into the sea of faces...

soft distant memories of things we said & did..
brighter...happier...best.

now,
i only allow myself
to do what i must:
be myself.
breathe.
and prepare my heart for the worst...
you saying goodbye.

sincerely,
d

left me
lying on the earth within the woods,
rain-soaked leaves of autumn notes comforting my fall.

left me
crying on the wheel,
bones bitten by brutal wind.
a deafening silence...
the sound of you
not next to me.

heart pounding.

tip of my nose red
apples of my cheeks pink
from the returning frostbite
from the absence of your warmth.

heart slows.

97.
esophagus losing the battle.

heart stops.

though my mind will never cease.

the love my heart once carried will never decrease,
long after i am deceased..

words.

turning my pain into words.

never to hurt

only to heal,

myself.

to help me process . .

help me cope . .

help me learn . .

help me grow . .

help me change .  .

help me feel & express

the mess that's tangled within . .

help me remember,

who i am.

i realize i don't have to end things

in order for my endless night to cease . .

i only have to keep waking up

until my sun finally rises with me .  .

i can learn to live

learn to survive

learn to thrive

in the darkness . .

blindly trusting

that the sun will rise again

through my seemingly endless night . . .