You can tell someone
you love them
over & over
again.

But those three words
amount to
nothing
if your actions
never reciprocate
those feelings.

if i cringe

or quickly look away

when i see you..

know that it isn't

because it's you..

it's because i don't like

the version of myself

that i feel you see

when you look back

at me...

Time is a thief,
I learned today

Where were you
as I took the bullet?
("I do care")

And the second one?
("I do care")

And the third one?
("I do care")

And the fourth one?
("I do care")

Will I be alone
if there's a fifth?

Why did it take this long for you to suddenly want to be there?
Where were you when I needed you the first time?

"We're just friends."

Haunted by words.

You may as well be the one
pulling the trigger.

You forget that saying nothing can be more painful than saying something hurtful.

And time is a thief,
I learned today.

Will we do something we'll regret or
will we not do something & regret it?

I want to feel like you want to
know me.
see me.
hear me.
protect me.
love me.

Bright & certain
in the beginning of the Before.

And where will you be?

Where will you be...

Don't be afraid of what can only help you

Change is scary.
not always but more often than not.

Change can also be
beautiful
necessary
renewing
& healing.

Embrace history making,
embrace  y o u r  change,
embrace the new,
embrace the unknown,
& embrace  s p r i n t i n g  out of
your comfort zone
with every intent to
g r o w
into the
m o r e
beautiful human being you are
w o n d e r f u l l y  &  f e a r f u l l y  created
to be

I could have stayed there
staring deep into your blue eyes
as the warm wind blew strands of your
light brown hair across your forehead..

I would have stayed there
as we silently looked into each other
for a sign that
everything would be okay..

I should have stayed there
gently holding your hand
making sure you know
I have always loved you
long before I met you...

I had all of you

I wish I had you for the most part

I have some of you

I feel like I have none of you

I'm afraid if you had all of me
you'd want to go back to having only
some.

i never wanted there to be
a world that existed
where we didn't end up
together in the end.

what have we done?
what have we done?. . .

waiting for
the day
where my
vulnerability
feels
like a
strength
instead of a
weakness

and i can't help but feel that this could have ended differently.

and i can't help but think that i could have changed the ending.

and i can't help but think that if i had only done something different...

i can't help help but think that i should have been different that night...

maybe you'd still be here.

maybe you'd be standing in front of me, with your arms wrapped tightly around me in this rain,
instead of me standing here alone with it dripping down my cold cheeks waiting for you to appear...

maybe you'd be here next to me.

i can't help but feel...

i would have been different
i could have been different
i should have been different...

i can't help but think...

i wouldn't have said that
i shouldn't have said that...

maybe you'd be...

he would still be here...
he could still be here...
he should still be here...

maybe we'd be . . .

Longing
to be
walking freely,
barefoot on the warm pavement,
feeling the bumpy pebbles beneath my feet,
and gentle breeze through my hair.

Wide-eyed
gazing up towards
the bright burning stars
peering through the palm leaves.

Am I alone in feeling this?

Longing
to be
wandering about
a city I used to know.

Curious and adventurous,
ready to discover
new sands
new songs
new sights
new seas

Am I alone in feeling this?

Longing
to be
daydreaming, walking alongside
the edge of my grandfather's
mini pond
full of stone koi fish.
Balancing,
stretching my arms out beside me
as the warm summer sun
kisses my skin.

Am I alone in missing this?

Longing
for
simpler
days,
simpler
worries,
simpler
thought­s,
simpler
life.

And now realizing,
it doesn't have to be a distant
memory of the past,
but can be made
and found
in the right here.
In the right now.

you have finally found happiness...

now that i am no longer in your picture...

i am unsure that i want to be with someone
to whom my
existence... non-existence...
presence... absence...
casts not a shadow of a difference
in their life...

i need someone who feels the same as i do...

i need someone who feels just as hard...

just as deep...

someone who wouldn't leave me just because i am not well...

abandon me when i need them just because it is an inconvenience for them...

a burden...

you can let me go, if you must...

you may let me go, if you must...

you've been okay without me...

you will be okay without me...

you still make me nervous
you still make me laugh,
you still make me smile uncontrollably
even hours after you've left

if the memories are all in gold
then why do i write about them in gray?
i think about how we lost our hold,
i think about it every day...

feeling feverish as i sit up in bed, bathed & with half-way-to-sleep eyes.

i just want to know that you're still mine, and i yours.

i've been writing for two hours now, i think!?...

my hair is drying a little too fast before i get the chance to blow-dry it.

it's 12:08 a.m. and i'm wondering if you got home safely.

i want to paint my nails your favorite color,

but i don't want to risk losing you.

magnificent - mundane

undeniable - grog & grain

how do you spell "gray"? with an 'a' or an 'e' before the 'y'?

the only ones who can ***** out our flame is us.

which brings both great relief but also IMMENSE fear.

simultaneity has been a close friend the past couple of years.

can we make this flame into a fire, one that can keep us warm through these cold, uncertain nights?

"i've never moved so quickly from feeling so sure to feeling so lost in such little time."

i wish it still felt like summertime.

"just keep being your sweet self", you whispered through the phone

i could hear the sleep in your voice & ache in your heart.

you still know me better than most, even if you don't know my favorite ice cream flavor.

~

you mirror me

you follow my every move

two magnets

two puzzle pieces we didn't know were missing

you match me

i write in all lowercase

and i watch how you slowly follow my unintentional lead

i cross my arms, you cross yours

i look to the left, and you follow my gaze . . .

it's only been summer for days

but it feels like eternity lying here with you

why is this just so easy with you?

what is this new space i have yet to explore?

where has this abundant place of possibility been?

why is this just so natural with you? . . .

~

you'll hate the sky
because it'll remind you of me

you'll hate the woods
because they'll remind you of me

you'll hate little white flowers
because they'll remind you of me

you go everywhere but where we have been

you walk everywhere but where i am

you don't love me anymore, suppose you never did.

you won't convince me otherwise..

paranoia.
guilt?
shame.

shadows dancing down the stairwell.
wide-eyed side glances toward the hall.

flashback:

slouched
like a crescent moon.
vulnerable like never before,
i allow myself to be seen
as i sink further into the brown fabric.

"you just sunk your ship deeper."

fear-striken eyes.
no . . . used to the defeat.

trembling fingertips
aimlessly yet methodically
tapping at glass.
hopeless.
useless.

tear-stained cheeks,
rubbed-raw skin
& bloodshot eyes.
hallows beneath my
chocolate brown
windows.

a heat-kissed flush
paints my face
as i gingerly sweep
a curtain of hair
from my view.

my view of my
nightmare.
only i'm not asleep.

fast forward:

frozen.
silent.
listening for footsteps.
coward
no . . .
guilt?
no . . .
shame.

i just sunk my ship deeper.

I no longer care if the maximum dose
has a side effect of nightmares
of you not loving me,
I would rather be asleep
than feel this with
my eyes
open.

remembering when i was suddenly
no longer a "maybe"
and became a solid "yes"...

11:11

wishing that didn't have to switch overnight.

i'm usually okay with silence

but this time,
there's a little more
than i wish there would be
on the other end of the phone.

i miss you
even though you're
sitting right next to me.

we both know
it wasn't because
you were cold..

we were born
from the stars
and you from
the sun..
warm. essential. familiar. missed.

i understand now
why the sun
has to go away
during the coldest,
most bitter months..

to teach us how to live
without it while it's away..
and to teach us
not to take it for granted
while it's wrapped in our
loving embrace..

so why would you want to
sit next to the fire?..

i was your alibi,
you slept after 9:30.
you knew i wouldn't say.

and it wasn't him.
it wasn't her.
it wasn't you.
it wasn't anything said.

i could say whatever
i want to cover up
what lay beneath..

sleepy.
exhausted.
backache.
feverish.
food coma.

the list goes on...
all of which would be the truth but...

i'd look away
when you noticed me
staring..

knowing that you
are always the only one
in any room
who sees what lays beneath..

i couldn't let you see..
so i'd look away
as soon as i could
hoping to catch it before you
saw..
i couldn't let you see..
i couldn't let you see . . .

you do so well at hiding it
for others..
but you will never get past me..
they never lie..
they betray you..
they give you away..
every. last. detail. . .

i saw your hurt.
i saw your pain.
i saw everything you
never said
and everything you did..

so close to me
and i couldn't
embrace you. . .
i couldn't give in. . .
i couldn't protect you . . .
and would even you want me to? . . .

we both know.
we just do.
unexplained.
and only between two.

i heard your voice
for the first time in 3 months.

i did my best to memorize
what you look like...

you didn't have to touch me..
you didn't have to touch me. . .
i would have held on longer.
i would have held you tighter.
i would have wrapped both arms around your neck
the way i would with a lover
but instead gave you my one-under-one-over "friend" hug.
i would have squeezed the soft fabric of your hood with one hand
and gently tugged your hair with the other.
i would have pulled you closer.
i would have. . .

never sure of what you want..
never sure of who i am to you now..
never sure of what we are..
never sure of what we will become.
it's all your choice
as unfair as that is..

i can't make you love me
the way i love you.
no amount of scars or tears
will make you see
what i feel..                            

i'm sorry
you asked me things..
i minimized my word count..
figuring you didn't really want
to speak with me..
but felt like you should just because
i was there..
i'm sorry,
i left our interaction
at a minimum..
sure you'd want it there.

if you know me,
you know what
was happening...

i sit there quiet,
but my mind is
loudest.

i sit there smiling and nodding
but my heart
is no longer in one piece.

i sit there feeling
out of control
but i control myself...
you will be collected
i told myself..
you will be yourself. . .

i felt out of place..
yet still myself..
i was true to myself,
i knew i couldn't fake it.

i sit there steady & silently
but i'm noticing
everything. . .

if i had one feeling left,
i'd give it to you..

you're on your last string,
who would you give it to? . . .

you never once complained
about the heat..

you felt the fever
with me..

Others don't know how fortunate they are to be able to do something as simple as watching the sun sink across the horizon with the one that they love.

i'll miss the way
you used to feel so fond
for me..

only if you knew
how much i could
love you.

he's got a thing for gay girls
& more cream than coffee.

there's something about him in a suit & tie
& the way he opens greeting cards.

he's over it
but he still thinks about it.

he never reaches out
but sometimes he does.

i love the way he loves films
& how he sighs loudly when he's sad.

he likes things simple
& him and his dad share the same dimple.

he's never been more afraid
but i have never been more proud of him.

he sits in plastic lawn chairs during the summer
but one day he'll be sitting among the stars on red velvet seats.

a quiet burning love for the north,
from one revelation to the next...

i pry myself from my bed.

i skip the shower
and i wash my face with only water.

i brush my teeth
and tie my brown hair back
with that small beige hair tie
i let you borrow that one day..

i lay down in the soft lights . . .
drowning in thick, heavy blankets.
a single tear falls from my left eye,
streaming down my flushed cheek,
and pools in my ear..

i sit up..
unable to breathe.
sweat covering my back...neck...chest...arms...legs...all of me..
praying this was only a fever dream.

trying to accept a painful truth.
he does not want me
he does not want me. . .

i lay back down..
forever in my dreams
and never to be next to me again..

i want to be there..
but you made me feel so bad
for feeling everything as hard as i do..
one thing i thought you loved about me. . .

my heart is running off of fumes..
i won't be able to make it..
it's been through an unspeakable journey
for you...because of you...and with you...
waiting to feel like you want to protect it...
but you can't protect it from yourself.
i want to protect yours from all the hurt this world wants to do unto it...
but i cannot protect yours from myself either . . .

but what comes next?...
what will we do now...
what will happen next...
and what are we now?...

I step onto the cold glass...

under 100.

is something wrong with me?...

I feel okay

but the numbers keep dropping.

the days i felt the warmth of your skin accidentally grazing against mine

when you used to call me darling.....

when i would look into your eyes and feel anything other than pain...

when i still remembered the sound of your voice..

when we gave selflessly without a thought of what would be returned...

when we felt everything...

when we felt things together...

when we were a we...not a you and me...

divisi...

when the "little things" weren't little...trivial..

when nothing went unnoticed...

from the subtlest of sighs when no one else is looking to the grandeur of passionate embraces...

twirling beneath the summer sun, falling leaves, or drifting snowflakes..

when we supported each other...

when we forgave and let go...

when we understood..

and we wanted it to last forever..

but that was forever ago...

i thought i had something
you would be scared to lose.

i thought we would be something
worth a fight.

i thought we would get there...

i thought we were on our way...

i thought we would go far...

i thought we were going to make it . . .

sometimes madness
looks like
jubilance

sometimes sadness
looks like
happiness

sometimes hurt
looks like
anger

sometimes light
looks like
darkness

sometimes resentment
looks like
hate

sometimes love
looks like
limitations

sometimes trauma
looks like
protection

sometimes messiness
looks like
control

sometimes change
looks like
oblivion

sometimes deep
looks like
shallow

sometimes purity
looks like
naivety

sometimes silence
looks like
ignorance

sometimes shame
looks like
guilt

sometimes courage
looks like
rebellion

sometimes strength
looks like
pride

sometimes heartbreak
looks like
carelessness

sometimes boredom
looks like
restlessness

sometimes curiosity
looks like
adventurous

sometimes fear
looks like
insecurity

sometimes grief
looks like
stubbornness

sometimes gain
looks like
loss

sometimes loneliness
looks like
lust

sometimes misunderstanding
looks like
ill-intention

sometimes sensitivity
looks like
weakness

sometimes vulnerability
looks like
delicacy

sometimes a beginning
looks like
an ending.

The wind carried the music away
as we walked side by side.

That way you looked into my eyes
from time to time
like there was nowhere else you'd rather be
than next to me.

The wind carried our laughter away
as your shoulder brushed against mine.

The way we could just simply walk together
with no destination
& be perfectly content
was everything I could possibly long for.

How many red flags
will it take for me to notice
to know that you're
wrong for me?

i'm so busy trying to be a home for someone else
that i forgot what it feels like to be a home for myself...

How is it possible
to experience something
that has never
happened (yet?)?

you closed your eyes and smiled...told me how much you loved feeling my gentle touch...
and how that alone was more than enough...

now you don't want to come anywhere near me...

when i push him away
it is because i am scared
he will push me away again,
so i do it first
in hopes that
it won't
hurt
as
much.

i dreamt i was protected
by an angel

a dark angel
who loved me

was i actually protected?
was i truly loved?

the soft yet crisp snow
beneath my boots,
cooling the earth's surface.

the violet, black, and indigo night sky
glowing with scattered
twinkling stars
like confetti.

muted, hazy gray clouds
stretched across the sky
in strips
like the arora borealis.

i can see my breath
when i exhale,
the warmth
proof i am still here...
if i am still here
i'm still supposed to be.

the moon shining so bright,
the brisk winter sky,
the endless woods,
my endless night
is calling me home...
it's calling me home . . .

do you truly love me
and want to be with me
or are you only lonely
and anyone
will suffice?...

sitting here
surrounded by loved ones
...yet i feel so
alone
and so unloved.

hands trembling.
it's all becoming too much
to bear by myself..

a single tear drop
falls and gently
makes its way down
my cheek...

flickering yellow flame
beside me..
waiting.

i shut my mouth tight
and take a deep breath in...
when i have it in my control
i part my lips
and let out a
long
breath
out...

here i am
spending
hours upon hours
studying
mental health...
and here i am
STRUGGLING
and
s t r u g g l i n g
and
struggling
to
just
breathe
for myself...

who sees?...
who hears?...
who even ******* cares?...

i have screamed
for help...
jumped up and down,
waving my arms in the air...
reaching out for anyone's hand to grab a hold of...
i asked the one
i trusted most for help
and still . . .
no one
seems to hear me . . .

selfishness
its labeled...

am i a hypocrite
for studying
mental health
and
drowning
in my own
mental illnesses?...

i do this because
i know
what the pain feels like...

i do this because
NO ONE
should ever
have to feel this
alone
in fear
and without help...

i will protect you...

i will help you...

i will get through this not only for myself... but for you...


.