i'm so busy trying to be a home for someone else
that i forgot what it feels like to be a home for myself...

i'm scared i'm not your safe space anymore..

afraid i no longer feel like home for you..

(home should feel safe...comforting...warm...and familiar..
only now you make me feel damaging...uncomfortable...cold...& unfamiliar..)

~~~

deprived of your gentle touch..

the warmth of your ivory skin,

violet veins beneath the surface..

(was it all a facade?..
i thought i knew which was which..
"i feel like you don't know me . . .)

~~~

i feel pale.

fevered flushed cheeks; a warm cinnamon..

celestial confetti decorates my skin..

i yawn. sleepily walking through a soiree..

i look for you.

but i can never find you anymore..

i reach out my hand and . . .

~~~

. . .i fall to the forest floor..

it's quieter than usual.

snowflakes drifting down, lightly dusting the frosty limbs..

the bridge we once crossed, what was on the other side? . .

~~~

am i really afraid of losing you?

or am i afraid of losing them?

or am i only afraid of losing myself . . .

~~~

which is worse?

i ask myself:

mourning the loss of a loved one who is no longer with us..

or mourning the loss of someone who is still breathing, loving & living on somewhere without you?...

you always knew we would end this way...
it's why you held me so tight..

i feel more myself
when you are looking at me...

i feel most myself
when i allow myself to be me...
obnoxious...
goofy...
selfless...
beautiful...
happy...
­emotional...

when you look at me
from across the room...
i feel myself...
sensitive...
strong...
hated...
vulnerable...
honest...­
individual...
loving...
clumsy and careful...
simultaneous...

and it's one of the best feelings i've ever felt...

what does the playlist of us look like?

what songs are within it?

what are the words...

the lyrics...are there words?...

what does the music sound like?

dramatic cinematic orchestra swelling up
as the harmonies and melodies come together in unity
with the rising and falling
of the strings and black and white keys...

is it on repeat?

is it on pause?

is it stopped forever?...

our eyes met today.
a familiar stranger..
i fell in love with your soul all over again..
and i'm sorry...
i'm trying to let you go,
for you, my love...
i keep telling myself
you didn't mean to look my way..
but it happened three times..
was it a mistake? . . .
was i? . . .

if there is ever a 'next time',
i will allow myself to linger...
i will allow myself to feel the hard ground beneath my feet and through my legs...
gravity pulling the weight of my body inwards towards the molten core of the earth..
feeling my breath quicken and become heavy..
i never knew a look
could shake me
the way ours do . . .

was it enough?
those few fleeting seconds..
was it enough to make you love me again? . . .

what do my eyes reveal?...
do you see my truth?...
could you ever love it...
want it...
or only leave it where you found it . . .

the time i wrote your name in the snow..
the necklace i would wear with a little golden "J"..
those nights i would graze my fingers across the paint strokes, thinking about you carefully placed each and every one..for me..
the cologne i bought just to wear when i missed your scent..
it was never enough . . .

all the music..
all the memories..
all the words..
all the glances..
all the stories..
all the thoughts..
all the laughs..
all the emotions..
all of the things we want to do...

all the things we once shared that was only between us..
how much of it is only between us?
what was all of it supposed to lead to?

will we ever get to dance beneath the drifting snow..
will i ever get to gently brush the soft falling snowflakes from your brow...
and kiss you beneath the pouring rain again?
i have forgotten the sound of your voice..
will we ever be a team?
will i ever get to protect you?...
will i ever get to make you mine? . . .

i look at you
and i try not to feel
the wounds reopening..
your last words to me
cut my chest open
and reminded me just how fragile i truly am..
only you can hurt me . .

i wait everyday
for the day you decide
you don't want me after all..
is that what i'm waiting for?...
could i ever be prepared
to watch you love someone else?...
what could ever prepare me . . .

"i know i'm not made in your likeness..
you're not made for my darkness"
but who will see me?..
and who will see you?...
have you found the one that was made for you?...
do you feel seen?
do you feel more...
do they love you better than i do?...
will they want to know what eats you up from the inside out?..
will they love your darkness?..
will they love it the way i do . . .

do you know what it feels like,

feeling like you'll lose them
if you don't do something

and feeling like you'll lose them
if you do anything?

gave me one white flower
the night i needed a reminder
kind humans still exist...

when will everyone
i love stop hurting me?...

i'm the only one who
knows me.

i will let you will be the one
to have the first word..

even though i know you
aren't coming home..

retrograde amnesia.

i have forgotten
the sound of your voice .

the faint baby blue
pair of eyes
that betray your attempted facade
every time you tell me you're "okay",
fading . .

the warmth of your porcelain skin,
familiar soul,
strong yet sensitive racing & pounding in your chest,
unspeakable passion . . .

i look when you are not;
every time .

i am forgotten,
just the way i told you i'd be . .

soon you will no longer
have to worry about me . . .

reduced to a stranger .

just say the word...

i will go . .
for you . . .

i will go . .
for you, my love . . .

for you,
i will go . . .

i'll miss the way
you used to feel so fond
for me..

only if you knew
how much i could
love you.

i can be
sensitive
and
strong.

i can be
quiet
and
intelligent.

i can be
unapologetically myself
and
humble.

i can be
protective
and
vulnerable.

i can be
sightful
and
loving.

i can be
both.

i can be
everything
and
nothing
all at once.

one.
my own blood abhors me.

two.
i will always remain
myself
and there will always be
others
who will paint me with colors
on their own palette
while wearing one-way mirror lenses.

~~~~~

our love & forgiveness
is not the same.

your words won't hurt me anymore.
because i know that they aren't true.
our mother taught me that.

i know what i know . . .
i know what i feel . . .
i know why i feel it . . .
i know what i know . . .

we are not the same.

i have seen what hate does.
so i never let it do it to me.

i see the bad & the ugly,
and i choose not to treat others
differently because of it.

because that is what He would do . . .

because that is who i am too.
we are not the same.

i can hate what someone does,
but i will never hate them.

we are not the same.

i choose to love.

i choose to not let it
eat me up from the inside out.

i choose peace within myself.

yet you see it as stupidity . . .
and arrogance . . .
and blindness . . .
and weakness . . .
and cluelessness . . .

but i know that it is my biggest strength.
i cannot shatter anymore . . .
i surprised myself.
(this is not a crime)

simultaneity.

it won't bother me.

i am sorry that you choose to let it do this to you.
i cannot convince you . . .

i can and will always be what i am
and there will always be one.
(why did it have to be you? . . .)

i will grow and change but remain the same,
deepest.

i choose to see & love anyway.

though, i don't choose to stay
where i am repeatedly hurt,
no longer loved,
manipulated,
invalidated,
minimized . . .

i can be
sensitive
and
strong.

i can be
quiet
and
intelligent.

i can be
unapologetically myself
and
humble.

i can be
protective
and
vulnerable.

i can be
sightful
and
loving.

we are not the same.

but i hope one day we will be.

\\\\\
i wish
you would
at least
say
g o o d b y e
if you
have no
intentions
on coming
back . . .
\\\\\

you
were
blinded
by me...
not
me
by you...

i saw
your
darkness,
mess,
faults,
insecurities,
fears,
imperfectio­ns...

i wanted
to love
you
more
for them...

"**** near perfect..."

"are all i want, need, & desire..."

i
let
you
in...

one
look
&
you
run
opposite
of me...

loved sensitivity

embraced & accepted.

no apologies,

only for the wrong
for the right reasons.

october, since.

when will he be well? . . .

will my absence be the cure?...

my distance the anecdote...

("no one can..."
"only i can")

for now i only b r e a t h e . . .

simplify, life.

live. preoccupy.

be myself.
(by myself.)

i will be a stranger for you...
i will make you see
that i am strong enough.

christmas, i think of you.

new year, no you...

when will i wake from this comatose

scale 3

"i love you" in ASL
but you never notice...

words diminish truth. actuality.
leading to our very own fatality...

words, a bleak & silent mid-winter for now. . .

reduced.

anterograde amnesia.

...how i long for a different state
of consciousness...

if i felt fervent fondness, would you? . . .

no...i tell myself.

i preoccupy.

terrified of the outcome...
what is supposed to come of this?
i ask but receive only hate.

"*******...easy."
"you're right. i am good at walking away."

"i'm not going anywhere as long as you still want me here..."
i reach out into the dark but i can't find your hand there...

ghosts disguised as words
haunt me
waking
or
sleeping.

years will pass.
you will return to wellness.
i won't say a word.
i will listen to every word
that falls from the lips
i've longed to press softly
against mine...
only to hear
that they're saying that
they do not want my love after all...

will i want the comatose?. . .

yes...i tell myself.

if i will not have you, i will not have anyone.

i preoccupy;

puffy sleepy brown eyes read millions of pages, beige.
billions of words, carefully chosen.
my feet worn yet hungry for many trails unexplored.
paint strokes left out to dry in the warmth of the summer sun...

you are the reason
i sometimes write two dots instead of three..

i have forgotten the sound of your voice...
but still i remember your caramel hair.

i squeezed your hand tightly
as our lips remained
ever so slightly parted...
sleepy eyes closed..
those flushed cheeks...
i'd give everything to feel warm against mine
once more...

do you remember it the way i do?. . .

will you remember me? . . .

i sit patiently
impatiently.

the attic is dusty,

i have been dusting
year after year.

i will make room for you.

i will love you so hard..

or i will withhold it,
lest you look through the windows
you will know...
but will you feel it?
will you want to feel it?

surviving.
thriving.
surviving.

i hear your sighs...
one look into those
heathered baby blue eyes &
you never have to say a word...

some day,
i will fall out of
this siesta.

bright-eyed,
a euphoric covering yet sadness simultaneously lives beneath.
heated flush yet bones bitten with chill within.

right person, wrong time.

a day
not soon
i lie to myself...

take your time
but hurry . . .
and wake me
from this comatose sleep. . .

dear j,

today was okay. a positive "okay".
i make the most out of what i have
and i feel content & grateful.

i'm not the one you should feel worried about, i suppose.

i woke up to the sound of my mom blasting the spanish version of "Happy Birthday" called Las Mananitas...with some birthday gifts...the tradition...it warmed me.

she made me some of her signature french toast (with strawberry cream cheese in between two slices) for breakfast since we couldn't go out.

i went out today by myself to pick up some ingredients and baked my own birthday cake since homemade is always better than store-bought anything...

i saw you unexpectedly later on..
i feel bad that i bumped into you..
you don't want me to apologize but i do...

i got to see other people in my life that i love.
i felt loved and thought of...
warm & fuzzy & familiar.

"you only turn 21 once" . . .

a first...
i danced to a favorite country song
that i chose on the jukebox
as my sister watched me, cringing as hard as ever...
not a care in the world who was watching...
i felt myself...happy...
Luke Bryan.
I tried to feel you there with me..
twirling me around...
we were smiling...
maybe that's too much.

a first...
i stood on the chair as a sea of strangers
watched me as everyone shouted
"yeeeeeehaaawww"
for turning a year older.

a first...
a cheers with a glass full
of something different
from my usual water & ice.

wanting you
next to me
for all of my firsts.
and lasts.
and only's.
and everything-in-between's.

my thoughts return..
was i pushing it for everyone?
wanting everyone to just have a nice time
when things weren't really okay?

some unrelated & unfortunate events took place before.
and all i ever wanted was for everyone to be happy...

i have learned that things come up and things don't always go as we want them to or as planned...

i feel bad that my mother wanted so much more for me and wanted so much better...
she works so hard and only wants to give us the world, along with the one she never got to have.
but i assured her that i would be still be happy with nothing..
that it wasn't about me...to me.
which is maybe backwards.
"too" selfless if that's even possible.

i am working on not giving myself a hard time
for allowing my emotions to get the best of me
when i wanted to handle things better,
wishing things were different.

everyone has things weighing on their shoulders.
i just want you to feel like you don't have to carry yours alone.
or some of it at all...

and it poses a question for me..
how does someone 'mind their own business' when the one they truly  s e e  is struggling to keep their head above water? . . .
i long for the answer.
i've tried really hard to look for it.
to find it.
trial & error..
yet nothing seems to feel right.

but maybe the right thing is supposed to feel unsettling...
leaving you be...
how does one do such a thing
with such strenght?...
just say when.

sincerely,
d

dear j,

"when we wake up
are we still
together? . . ."

i was willing to struggle
with you . . .

a constant dance with your words . .
where did you go? . . .

"stuck with me"
i thought i was safe . . .

"not getting rid of me that easy"
this must be easy? . . .

"i will be here as long as you still want me to be"
i still want you to be . . .but that isn't making a difference . . .

i have no say . . .

i wish you'd have the heart
to tell me
you left
a long time ago . . .
to tell me
you moved on
a while back . . .
to tell me
you want me
gone . . .

i thought i knew you better.
i thought you wanted it too . . .
i thought i knew you so much better...
i thought it was real. . .
i thought we had magic...
i  thought i knew us better. . .

from,
d

dear j,

"damaged finds damaged"

your honesty will never scare me.

it can only hurt me.

("my name in your mouth is like  p o e t r y..
no matter what happens,
no matter how much self-work i do,
a part of me will always miss the home
that is you.")

and i'm okay with that.

sincerely,
d

we're all broken.
some, just bent.
some of us, we're picking up the pieces..
some with help from another..
some alone.

some barrel forward
hoping the demons
won't catch up.

this used to be about
outrunning
my demons..

you've helped me
see what they really are
& their intentions with me.

i've come
face-to-face
with them..

now this is about
slaying them.

waiting for
the day
where my
vulnerability
feels
like a
strength
instead of a
weakness

i mirror you.
i wait for your every move
to predict mine.

i don't want to hold back anymore.
i can feel everything inside of me
changing for the better...

i want to love fearlessly.
loudly..
endlessly..
unconditionally..
surely..
passi­onately..
the way i do..

i will love without shame..

i don't want to
overthink every expression..
interpret every gesture..
analyze every word..
ruminate every action..

i no longer want to hold back & wait to see if the other person feels for me as intensely as i for them..

otherwise..
i would only be taking and depriving them of all of the love i have bottled up inside of me..
i would be waiting for a perfect time that will never come..
and they will walk away
thinking i never loved them at all.

i want to just say things..
just go for it..
no hesitation to express or allow myself to feel..

because what else is there, but love?
because how much time do we have until it all runs out?
and who can say they know...

dear j,

i can't help but notice you walking by.
ever.
though it's only painful now,
you never seem to notice me.

do you feel anything when
you hear someone mention my name?...

patiently waiting for the day i stop waking up only to find myself still asleep in this heart-wrenching fever dream...


early morning walk,
harsh wind pinching my cheeks
until they're as red as roses..
sun concealed behind a blanket of
white and gray clouds..
i look down at my feet
as we make our way home.

my mind, a broken record...
memories of things
yet to happen...
i shouldn't
allow myself to have hope.

i reduce myself to a platonic soul.
something i am not...
"thanks" instead of "thank you"
nothing instead of "good morning" or "goodnight"
"love you" instead of "i love you" in fear that you may feel the "i" is too personal..

i wonder if you are receiving my letters.

you feel so far...
so out of reach...
fading into the sea of faces...

soft distant memories of things we said & did..
brighter...happier...best.

now,
i only allow myself
to do what i must:
be myself.
breathe.
and prepare my heart for the worst...
you saying goodbye.

sincerely,
d

dear j,

"i want to feel all that love and emotion...be that attached to the person i'm holding...someday i'll be falling...without caution...but for now i'm only people watching..."

have i really messed this up this badly? . . .

a friend tells me you've moved on already. . .

is this true? . . .

refusing to even consider the mere notion. . .

"what do they even know about him?"
i try to justify..

but what do i know about you? . . .
what do you choose to show me? . . .

what do they even know about me?...
nothing compared to what is.

what even matters now? . . .

what matters to me doesn't seem relevant or significant if you no longer long for me the way i long for you . . .

i want you to know that this is painful.
i sit here waiting for you to say what you really mean...
maybe you just don't want to hurt me. . .
but i assure you that keeping me here not loved is worse
than being honest and leaving me behind..

...wish you would tell me the real reason why...

...wish you would tell me...

...real reason...

...why...

you can't say i didn't tell you to tell me things...
it wouldn't be true.

...bare wrist...

do i get to love you?
do i get to live alongside you?
do i get to press my lips to your neck & feel the warmth of your touch..
do i get to be the only one...
do i get to have you..

..or do i only get to watch you grow and love someone else from the sidelines...

"i want to feel all that love and emoiton...be that attached to the person i'm holding...someday i'll be falling...without caution...but for now i'm only people watching..."

sincerely,
d

dear j,

i dance when i'm vivacious,
and bake when i'm euphoric.
i read when i feel unwanted,
and belt when i'm mad or broken-hearted.

what's seprating us?
feels like universes apart now..
an external variable,
an internal conflict,
or something between us
that only we can pull ourselves out of.

"two adults, both knowing the risks, we give things a shot. hurting each other is the last thing we want to do...how about i take care of me, you take care of you, i try not to hurt you, you try not to hurt me. what else is there? relationships are scary. you don't get all of that goodness and possibility with zero risk."

i'm sure you don't want to hear it...

you and me against the world.

i've never wanted someone
before i saw you..

sorry to complicate things by saying so..

not sorry.

but before you, sure i "wanted" someone. but perhaps only what they brought to the table. what they would make me feel..
but i "needed" them more than i truly wanted them, if that makes sense?... i needed them to feel complete. to feel whole. to feel good about myself. to feel loved. to feel okay. to feel happy. to feel worthy..

everything shifted...
everything on the inside.

i saw you..
and all i've wanted to do
is take care of you.
make you feel seen..
make you feel heard..
make you feel understood..
make you feel cared for..
make you feel worthy..
make you feel adored..
make you feel intelligent..
make you feel capable..
make you feel comfortable..
make you feel inspired..
make you feel confident..
make you feel humble..
make you feel okay..
make you feel well..
make you feel warm..
make you feel motivated..
make you feel pure jubilance amidst darkness
make you feel perfect by being yourself..human..
make you feel encouraged..
make you feel safe..
make you feel wanted..
make you feel strong..
make you feel taken care of..
make you feel courageous..
make you feel loved.

i no longer feel like i need someone to make me feel these things to feel like myself, comfortable, or whole.
does everyone want those things?
of course.
do i deserve them?
the only difference now is that i expect it from the one who says they feel those things for me. and i shouldn't have to plead for it. no one should. it's one of the the most self-destructive & disrespectful things one can do to oneself.

i feel like something is missing..
like there is something more..
and i long for you to tell me
the real reason why you
no longer want me..us..

who is two-faced?
either? neither?

when you look at me...do you feel, anything?...

hate...i painfully assume.
resentment...unbearably.

love is a complicated word.
you hate saying it.
it is a powerful word.
you hate it.
perhaps it is the most abused & misused word.
perhaps i've said it too much?
perhaps because i feel it too much?
is that even possible?...
i see that i haven't loved before.
infatuated with the person...in love with the elated ideas of them that were nonexistent and never could be...
and that scares me.
yet i see that you are not perfect
and i love you even more for that...

i have always believed that you should always make sure the one's you love know that you love them.
any second could be one's last.
who can say?...

i walk the line between
strong vulnerable desire and exuberant shamelessness...

stuck between
walking away because you want me to and embracing you, pouring every ounce of love within myself into you and never running dry..

which do YOU
want me to do, j?...
not them...
which do you...

love,
d

dear j,

"leaves are on the ground, fall has come...blue skies turning gray, like my love...i tried to carry you, and make you whole...but it was never enough, i must go...and who is gonna save you when i'm gone?...and who will watch over you when i'm gone?...you say you cared for me, but hide it well...how can you love someone, not yourself?...who will break your fall, who will you blame?...i can't go on and let you lose it all, more than i can take...who will ease your pain?...ease your pain...and who will give you strength when you're not strong?...who will watch over you when i'm gone away?...snow is on the ground, winter's come...you long to hear my voice, but i'm long gone..."

your eyes met mine today, twice.
i looked away..
did you mean that?
pinch me...maybe i was still asleep?

when we wake up,
are we still together? . . .

i can't help but think
about your bare wrist...

i can't help but think
about your bare wrist . . .

"you're not getting rid of me that easy"
i hear you say...

"you're stuck with me"
on repeat...

your voice once warm & sounding like home,
making me flinch awaiting pain to follow as my stomach turns from immense sadness...

i wish you would want me too..
i wish i felt like home to you..
comfort..

i want to fall for you
without caution . . .
i'm not ashamed of loving you . . .

are my fingers still tightly
laced with yours? . . .
i don't know.
yet part of me knows.
and that's the scariest thing
i could feel..

"it's hard to feel you slipping through
my fingers are so numb..."

i reach outward into the dark for you...

are you still there? . . .

i long to hear your voice.

are you long gone? . . .

sincerely,
d

dear j,

i'm trying not to allow my emotions get the best of me.
i won't lie and tell you that that isn't hard,
because it is.
that's all i've ever been.
a little ball of intense emotions, longing to unravel, simultaneously scared to let you see because i fear you'd abandon me after being vulnerable.
i've learned that fear, is a liar.
it drives us to hesitate...procrastinate...prolong inaction.
so i also learned something about myself.
my fears exist because things are so important to me, i don't want to lose them.
and you are one of those things.

last night,
i stood in front of the mirror hanging on my bedroom wall
as an intrusive revelation danced through my head...
i've always hated myself for feeling so connected to others that i feel an unhealthy attachment.
and if i'm honest, that has never been "poison" for another...
it has only ever been "poison" to myself.
some people's chemicals combine awfully with ours and a toxic chemical reaction occurs damaging our outlook on the world, love, and ourselves...
while some people's chemicals combine smoothly, beautifully, naturally, and organically enhancing our outlook on love, challenging our perspective on the world, and supporting our mindset of ourselves.
call me mad...but i realize that i am not co-dependent either.
i have never felt like i needed anyone in order to feel complete..
at least not anymore..
"be with someone you WANT to be with,"
my mother says to me...
"not someone you NEED..."

i've never wanted someone
before i saw you..

i know who i am.
i feel complete on my own.
i love feeling independent.
i feel comfortable being by myself (not that i always love it...that would be lonely & selfish of me).
i'm aware i am equipped with everything i need within (though you are my compliment).
i can emphasize & embrace myself.
i can be deep, true, & authentic.
i am confident in what i'm crafted to do in this life...
this one life...

i love who i am.
i feel beautiful & happy in my own skin that i don't depend on other's words to view myself as worthy or valuable.
i used to hate my sensitivity in this wicked world but now i realize that it is a gift...
it is a rarity
and i will never allow anyone to convince me otherwise.
i wouldn't rather be anything or anyone else.

i want you in my life.
and that's my problem now.
you no longer want me in yours.

i called you..
you picked up on the third try..
then hung up after one second
like it was an accident.
was it?

i learned three things.
1) promises were meant to be broken.
2) perhaps i'm the only one in it for "we".
3) your love is conditional..

i'd love you no matter where we are or
what circumstances we are in...making the most of what we would have, through the thick and thin.
while you will only love me now if circumstances are...perfect.

my present best will not be my forever best.
i've not asked for too much..
and neither have you, love...

my one question for the evening is;
if we can have each other some day..if we met again..
would you still want me?
would you want us . . .

sincerely,
d

i was too busy trying to be sure that you loved me
that i didn't realize i wasn't loving you the way that i undeniably do.

the thought of hurting me
no longer hurts you.

all she does is love.
yet she feels like
she's only a magnet
for people who want
to hurt her.

"you cast her in a role
that isn't her,
and you trap her in it."

everyone tells you to
leave..

everyone tells you to
walk away..

everyone tells you to
run..

so leave..

leave me behind
only to stay where you are..

i wasn't meant to be loveable
anyway..