i'm sorry i'm not healing fast enough for you.
i'm sorry i'm not healing fast enough for you..
i'm sorry i'm not healing fast enough for you...
i'm sorry i'm not healing fast enough for you....
i'm sorry i'm not healing fast enough for you.....
i'm sorry i'm not healing fast enough for you.

I open my eyes hesitantly
awaiting the pain
that never came..

I attempt to give
my body the nourishment
it needs,
wants,
longs for
& deserves..

I drive,
screaming "Heather"
into a safe void
I made for myself
to crumble into pieces.

I realize that
with others,
everything feels out of control..
but by myself,
i am sure of everything.

I wash the day
out of my brown-red hair.

tie it back
with the hair tie
i lent you that one day..

i sit at my desk
and write..
write
write
write..

what else can i do?

what else do people do when
they are seconds from
running towards
what makes then happy..

running towards
what makes them feel at home..

running towards
what makes them feel real.. human.. most like themselves..

running towards
what makes them feel like nothing will ever stop them..

running towards
the one they were created to become & place they were meant to be..

running towards
what makes them feel  a l i v e

leaping with jubilance
into the arms of love, innocence, and vulnerability..

yet simultaneously deniably
running from
what is pulling their heart apart
into trillions of pieces
in all directions,
scattered across
the void that was once a safe space?..

leave.

they say

run.

they say

stay...

i say

leave.

they say...

it isn't always about
impressing anyone

but more about
impressing ourselves

self-image

it isn't always about
being pleasing to the eye

but more about
being comfortable in our
own flesh and blood

self-expression

let's let it be
more
celebrating
more
emphasizing
more
accentuating
more
embra­cing
what we fail to see that we already have

let's let it be
less
hiding
less
covering
less
masking
less
modifying
what we fail to see as
b e a u t i f u l.

self-worth:

it isn't always about
not seeing our worth
or not feeling good enough

it's more of
knowing our worth
and adding to it.

self-love:

it isn't selfish.
it's  n e c e s s a r y .

we cannot love another
without having loved
ourselves first.

no conditions.
no expectations.
no judgement.
only forgiveness.
only empathy.

self-knowledge:

one cannot know another
without having gotten to know
oneself first.

to know is to
see
listen
look
hear
seek
understand
learn
adjust
grow
forgive­.

there is beauty in all of us.
the greatest tragedy is
to be convinced otherwise.

no more hiding,
only embracing.

no more separating
ourselves
from who we are.

our idea of "perfection" does not exist.
you are imperfect
and that is perfect.

you say you want me
to open up...
let you in...
show you the source
of the hurt..

so i do.
i trust you wouldn't
hurt me..
betray me..

and every time
i fall for it.

you graze your fingers
across my rib cage..
trusting you'll be
gentle this time..
loving this time..
my chest opened
for you to see everything that's inside..

'i'm not going to hurt you'
you say..
right before you
break the bones apart
and rip my heart out from inside..
you hold it in front of me
to see..
making sure i'm watching..
trusting my heart in your hands
no longer,
you recklessly let it fall
to the ground
and you walk over it..
making sure it crumbles beneath
your feet..
it was warm..
alive..
beating..
full of nothin but love..

"i want to protect what's in there"
you say..
no..
you don't.

you'll hate the sky
because it'll remind you of me

you'll hate the woods
because they'll remind you of me

you'll hate little white flowers
because they'll remind you of me

you go everywhere but where we have been

you walk everywhere but where i am

you don't love me anymore, suppose you never did.

you won't convince me otherwise..

if i could hold you

one more time

one more time
would not be enough..

would it be enough for you?

if i could hold you
and pull the pain
from within your chest
i would..

amoeba.

would that be enough?

would you ever let me in?

would you ever want me near you again..

would that be enough?

tires worn

tread worn

soles torn

souls torn

will you let me mend yours?. . .

i will breathe you back to life, my love. . .

one gentle kiss grazed upon your warm skin

i want to put the life back into your eyes...

pain lives there

pain lies there

pain lies, love. . .

"don't let it fool you..."

you will breathe again...
you will live again
you will feel again
you will be sure again
you will be okay again...

take my hand, you are drowning...

i can't swim either, but if we need to  t r e a d
we tread together...

i see you from across the room...

torn between casting my gaze downward
or
embracing you with all of the life, love, and protection i feel for you...

which one do you want me to do...

what happened to lifetimes...

what happened to endless exploration...

what happened to forever never being enough...

you closed your eyes and smiled...told me how much you loved feeling my gentle touch...
and how that alone was more than enough...

now you don't want to come anywhere near me...

left me
lying on the earth within the woods,
rain-soaked leaves of autumn notes comforting my fall.

left me
crying on the wheel,
bones bitten by brutal wind.
a deafening silence...
the sound of you
not next to me.

heart pounding.

tip of my nose red
apples of my cheeks pink
from the returning frostbite
from the absence of your warmth.

heart slows.

97.
esophagus losing the battle.

heart stops.

though my mind will never cease.

the love my heart once carried will never decrease,
long after i am deceased..

"he's looking at you"

he says.

"no he's not..."

i deny.

"i'm not even in his view..."

i say.

sometimes
i like to pretend
that you're watching me.

memorizing my every move.

noticing all of the subtle details.

counting the lines around my face.
("Mercy" Lewis C.)

wanting to keep me in your life because i mean something to you...

slowly falling into each other...

you are my oxygen..

"i fell in love the way you fall asleep...slowly, and then all at once."

if i woke up
and didn't remember
you...
would you
make me fall for you
all over again?
A chance to love
each other again...
a beautiful hope
with endless possibilities...
or would you
take the opportunity
to become
a stranger...
unacquainted...
unfamiliar...
falling into the background
instead of for me? . . . . .

if getting hurt
is what it will take
to feel his care and love
again, then so be it...

everything i was

everything i stood for

identity pulled from me

turned inside out

disected all the wrong parts

placed in the hot spotlight

backed into the corner...

no one by my side

no one there as i fell & kept falling...

learned to be there for myself...

no more relying on anyone...

no more believing anyone...

voice taken from me.

words stolen.

thoughts no longer mine.

emotions never belonging to me.

forgot who i was...

nothing i could do or say...

lost myself...

all i wanted was to be happy again.

to be myself.

to love
& be loved.

i built my wall...my protection from others who would try to pull me down just to hurt me.

i'd never let anyone see that they got to me...

couldn't let anyone in...crashing into who i really want to be...vulnerable.

could you feel it?

could you understand why i am who i am?

crying the oceans into existence while you lived on...

made to feel like someone else...

made to feel like my trauma is my fault...

made to feel like my pain was because i did it to myself...like i wanted this...

stripped of all my happiness..

made to feel like i allowed myself to be taken..

always taken.

taken for granted.
taken advantage of.

what will be next?...

will you hte me?...

will you hte that i am not healed yet?...

will you hte that i need your hand?...

will you hte the very thought of me?...

will you shiver at the thought of me wanting to love you...

pressure...

wind blows harder

will you leave me
if i'm still broken?

pressure...

i'm doing what i can
with what i have
with all that i
currently am...

never knowing
anymore
if you'd go
or no...

"shale, screen your worries..."

she's fragile
and she's trying to
break down her walls
gently for herself
for you
for both...

"from what you won't ever find..."

she won't ever feel fully ready
for something this scary...

it means too much to her
to risk it being ripped
from her hands again...

hands trembling, always.
wishing you would
just hold hers...

simultaneously,
it means too much to her
to not risk what could be
beautiful...

she doesn't know
if would you be there
to catch her
when she falls.

glass.
running on glass..

"holding on for dear life"

realizing that i can't
rip the band-aid off
if the wound is not
healed beneath...

give me time...

if you want to leave, leave...

i will need you still..
i will want you still...

he does the very thing
he told you he hated everyone
doing to him,
cuts you out
of his life
only to freely give his time
to others.

he says he's drained
yet still has enough
energy to give
to everyone,
except you...

this is what he wants you to feel.

he wants you to feel insignificant.
he wants you to feel unimportant.
he wants you to feel forsaken.
he wants you to feel forgotten.
he wants you to feel meaningless.
he wants you to feel the aching.
he wants you to feel as though you never e x i s t e d. . .

do you truly love me
and want to be with me
or are you only lonely
and anyone
will suffice?...

i look down
or anywhere
but your eyes.

they never lie.

i see
the love left
them.

only memories
remain.

fading voices...

when you used to
say words...
something.
anything.

fading...fading...f a d i n g...gone.

"There's a possibility
All that I had was all I'm going to get...

So tell me when you hear my heart stop,
You're the only one who knows.
Tell me when you hear my silence,
There's a possibility I wouldn't know.
So tell me when my sorrow's over,
You're the reason why I'm closed.
Tell me when you hear me falling,
There's a possibility it wouldn't show..."

the tide rises higher and higher
each second.

white waves crashing hard onto the cliffside.

wind pushes,
chill, biting me to the bones.

no sun to be felt gently grazing upon my pale skin.

the warmth is gone...

only sad songs travel through the wires.

hands trembling, always.

terrified...

("aren't we just terrified?...")
"Roslyn" Bon Iver

no more trust...never knowing if you'll just disappear or stay any second...

that baby pink sweater i bought just for snuggling with you...

fading...fading...f a d i n g... gone.

that's all that i feel i have left of you...memories.

"i had all and then most of you, some, and now none of you...take me back to the night we met..."

i wonder if you would ever let me touch you again...

blurred city lights rushing past.

running on glass...

dreams of you.

"dreams".

hurting...avoiding...ignoring...walking...hiding­...hurting...

the most terrifying part of the nightmares
is that they remain reality
when i open my eyes...

"rather be dead"

"rather be dead..."

i had a dream my room was empty.

one second to the next,
i stumble, i struggle
to contain the screams.

i've been holding my breath
afraid that if i exhale, a cry will
make its way out instead.

grieving the loss of someone who is no longer with us
v.
grieving the loss of someone who is no longer with us
but sees you from across the room
and chooses to look the other way...

(and this time, it isn't because they didn't want you to notice that they love you.)

i wrap my warmth around me

wait for the chill to bite my bones

i wonder if you would ever let me touch you again...

stomach roaring for food.

the clock struck 1 am.

pale-faced, memories of us fading.

fading...fading... f a d i n g...gone.

i deserve this..

i do not deserve this..

i wonder if you still remember the rain on our skin when we first embraced...

tiny dim golden lights hanging on a string, holidays are near and here.

i wonder if you wish you had never met me...

"it can be scary to change something significant in your life...but there is nothing scarier than staying in the same place when it is the opposite of beneficial. never don't try something new that you could be passionate and great at because you're afraid it will change what you're used to."

it will not be easy, but things that are worth it rarely are...

the lake will soon freeze over

will you let me fall through?...

you just wanted something to hold against me.

fever.

the room is spinning around me

but i lay very still...

my body trembles from the absence.

your love.

the lie.

i close the car door...

hope no one hears my screams...

my scarf muffles each violent exhale of grief

each desperate gasp for life.

i wince from the pain.

funny how i feel most like myself...

hurt.

by myself.

i feel alive.

i feel things.

i feel everything.

except the lie.

broken promise

it's too late.

i roll the windows down

allow the wind to dry my cheeks

no one must know...

crying is a terrible understatement.

so is dying.

fading memories of you telling me you loved me

fading...fading... f a d i n g...gone.

you never wanted to hurt me

days later you rip me to shreds...

you say it's my fault that you won't come.

i rely on you no longer...

why should i feel safe with you?

i will no longer let you hold my heart...i don't trust you with it.

"i will always want to be gentle with your heart"

you said.

"i want to take care of what's in there"

you say pointing to the beating heart within my chest...

you didn't mean it.

mirror across the room

standing alone

hands shaking

we think we are loving each other
when really,
we are only breaking...

i immerse myself
within the
melodies & harmonies
to push the
aching.

I'm running out of options,
how long can I keep quaking?

Pure intentions
perceived as enemy;
how now,
who's really doing the
forsaking?

it's sad how
everyone who treat you poorly
are the same ones
who tell you
you don't deserve
to be treated that way.

The beauty in
beauty & art

is that it doesn't
always have to have

an explanation.
a backstory.
an origin.
an inspiration.
a pathway.
a blueprint.
a rough draft.
a rubric.

it can just
     b e

what it is
without question.

boring?
no.

beauty in existence.

allow yourself
to allow yourself
be what you are. . .

that is beauty.
that is love.
that is art.
that is life.
that is you...

("KNOW YOUR WORTH...THEN ADD")

we are free

to create
whatever we want
whenever we want
however we want

without another
telling us what it
SHOULD BE.

Art does not always
have to have
st  ru ct  u re . ..  .

it will
always  b e

whatever

you
choose
it

to   be . . .

I step onto the cold glass...

under 100.

is something wrong with me?...

I feel okay

but the numbers keep dropping.

We are urged to
stay home
when we feel
physically ill

When may I
stay home
when I feel
mentally ill?

A gray cloud
hangs over me

I don't wish for it to stay...

I send smiles and hearts
and exclamation marks,
but I don't feel those things
today...

The oceans within my eyes
are begging to escape
but I do not let them.

I comfort myself
when no one else
will.

I know that you are busy,
so I will go.

I no longer feel your love,
so I will go.

I wish you would
want me to stay enough
to stop me.

My hands tremble,
I wash my face with cold water,
painted blush onto my cheeks
so I look healthier
than I really feel,
I tuck my laces in,
and turn the key.

I pretend to feel like me
for four and a half hours
after three.