i don't want you to get hurt...
but i also don't have the strength to be apart from you...

i don't want to get hurt...
but i also know that there will never exist so intimate a bond without a bit pain...

i sit plainly,

staring...blankly.

clouds thick,

the stars are dim

but the ones in my eyes are never fading...

love, are you tired of waiting?

you once told me that i am worth everything...

though now you sit silent.

11:11

come back to me...
words, mind, heart, body, and soul
come back to me...

know that it is not your approval that i seek...

it is your reciprocity that i am
missing...

craving...

longing...

needing...

wanting...

­.

you have been happy and well within everything...




but you are not happy that i am not okay?...

i lost myself
in you finding yourself

you have finally found happiness...

now that i am no longer in your picture...

i am unsure that i want to be with someone
to whom my
existence... non-existence...
presence... absence...
casts not a shadow of a difference
in their life...

i need someone who feels the same as i do...

i need someone who feels just as hard...

just as deep...

someone who wouldn't leave me just because i am not well...

abandon me when i need them just because it is an inconvenience for them...

a burden...

you can let me go, if you must...

you may let me go, if you must...

you've been okay without me...

you will be okay without me...

you have taught me..
so now i must learn...
a lesson such as life
cannot be simply a lecture to listen to
and take notes upon...
a hands-on portion must be practiced
in order to truly, learn the material...

the day will eventually be over...
the moment will eventually pass...
and you will be okay...
everything will be okay...
everything will settle...
everything will pass...

but will i be different once it has passed?...
.

i wasn't the one who lied
making you feel secure...
safe...
like i would stay by your side...
like it was okay to not be ready...
only to make you pay for it for 6 months...

"You cut out a piece of me
and now i bleed internally
left here without you...
without you...
and it hurts for me to think about
what life could possibly be like without you...
without you...
it's gon' be hard here on my own
and even harder to let you go
i really wish that we, could've got this right..."

"there's things i want to say to you, but i'll just let you live...
there's things i want to talk about, but better not to give...
but if you hold me without hurting me, you'll be the first who ever did..."

"a
b
c
d
e
f
g
h
i
love you still
and you know i always will"

the days i felt the warmth of your skin accidentally grazing against mine

when you used to call me darling.....

when i would look into your eyes and feel anything other than pain...

when i still remembered the sound of your voice..

when we gave selflessly without a thought of what would be returned...

when we felt everything...

when we felt things together...

when we were a we...not a you and me...

divisi...

when the "little things" weren't little...trivial..

when nothing went unnoticed...

from the subtlest of sighs when no one else is looking to the grandeur of passionate embraces...

twirling beneath the summer sun, falling leaves, or drifting snowflakes..

when we supported each other...

when we forgave and let go...

when we understood..

and we wanted it to last forever..

but that was forever ago...

i wonder what they tell you about me..

as if they knew more about me than you did..

i wonder if they hate me..

i wonder what you tell them about me..

i wonder how you make me sound..look..

i wonder how you talk about me..

i wonder what you say..

i wonder how you paint me..

make me out to be..

i wonder if they convinced you to never let me in..

i wonder if they despise my soul..

i wonder if they convinced you to run the other way..

i wonder if they hate my heart..

i wonder if you do..

i wonder if they convinced you that i am a monster..

i wonder if you tell them i'm "just another borderline"..

i wonder if they want me out of your life..

i wonder if you do..

i wonder if they say i'm toxic, holding up your life..

i wonder if they say i'm an abuser, as if that's all i've ever been..

i wonder why you hate my boundaries, as if i should break them for you..

as if i should feel ashamed for having any..

i wonder if i have to cast aside my thoughts and values, just so you can be happy with me..

pretend i'm just like you, in every way, not different..

i wonder if i'll let you do what you want with me..just so you won't leave..

i wonder if i should remain silent, letting you take the lead..

no longer in sync, in step..just quietly trailing behind..

i wonder if my experience, thoughts, and emotions were ever really valid..

i wonder if they told you to ignore me..

i wonder if they told you to because it would be 'self-care'..

i wonder if they told you that it's kind to walk away the way you do..

i wonder if they told you it's cool to be cold to the one who wants your affection..

as if it would make me want you more..

i wonder if they encourage you to not think of me..

i wonder if they tell you to forget you ever met me..

i wonder if you agree..

i wonder how you feel..

i wonder if i will ever feel closer to knowing the truth..

if i cringe

or quickly look away

when i see you..

know that it isn't

because it's you..

it's because i don't like

the version of myself

that i feel you see

when you look back

at me...

you no longer make me feel loveable..

i always knew i wanted to be with someone who would make me feel loveable even when i am at my absolute worst..my darkest..deepest, most vulnerable and real moments..

and i no longer feel that with you..

what's changed?

us.

and maybe we were perfect for each other, then..

but then we changed and now we're not?..

maybe you were who i needed...wanted...desired...

maybe  i was who you needed...wanted...desired...

but then we changed

and maybe now, the new you is not who i need...want...

maybe now, the new..temporary me is not who you need...want...crave...

feeling no regret when you hurt me..

"hurting you is the last thing i ever want to do..."

you leave me with ease..

"if i ever found out i hurt you, i would hate myself forever..."

you hurt me with pleasure..

why would i ever hear you say you're sorry..

feeling no remorse..

do you like it?

does it feel good, knowing?

maybe if you saw the look on my face..

the surprise in my eyes..

the deafening silence and quiet gasp that escapes from my lips..

the tears that fall from my cheeks..

as i cup my hand over my mouth..suppress the sound..no one knows how deep you cut me..

the blood-pink flush that colors my cheeks

every time you make me your villain..

make me your villain...

you will never make me your lover...

you think you're winning

but i'm just as quick

you want me to crumble

crumble i may, but i have a whole deck up my sleeve

you think you're fooling me..

but i silently move across the board

fcking tired from playing this game of yours

free me...free me...

i'll let you make your moves

let you bend my fingers backwards until they break.

when i point them at you

show me the mirror all you want

i'll shatter it to bits

shards of glass cutting the skin on my knuckles

i'll show you i can hurt and still stand strong.

villain

make me that

make me fit into your box

show me off to all your friends

tell them what i've done

talk me down

tear me down

tell them what a monster i am

blood-thirsty gnashing teeth and razor sharp claws.

you want me to believe your image of myself..

want me to forget who i am..

hate myself..

self-destruct.

hold you accountable.

all the while you do nothing..say nothing

framing me.

molding me into the villain for the world to see..

but i see what you're doing

you know what you're doing..

you know..

but i know who i am

i know what i've said

i know what i meant

i know how i feel

why punish me for not knowing how you feel when you refuse to tell me..show me..

you *want me to be your villain so you don't become one..

that isn't how it works

we both know that

you know what you've said

you know what you never said

never done

you know how you left

with nothing..

giving me nothing

make me your villain

not your lover

make me your monster

not your love

make me into everything i know i'm not

have you forgotten who i am?...

who i was?...

have you forgotten that easily?...

what do you see when you look into the mirror and why hurt me for it?

i watch you, as you think you're succeeding

in bringing me to the ground

the ashes of your ex-villains

i know what i've said

i know what i've done

and don't tell me i don't when you punish me for it every waking moment...

score keeper...

while i forgave (but never forgot) the second after it happened..

i have to hold you accountable, i said..

i can admit and take responsibility for the hurt i have inflicted

but could you ever?...

for one moment, see the damage that you've done in return?...

the reassuring, embracing
sensation
of my bare feet
testing the ground,
with sleepy eyes..

the wam, soft rain
pattering against my window..
asking for my hand for a dance..

the construction workers
up and at 'em
at the corner..

the tiny bird
chirping
as the sky turns from
deep indigo
to teal
to pale blue
with the sun's vivid golden rising..

the owl outside
synchronous with
the grandfather clock
gong downstairs..

an ambulance siren already...

the rumble of the world..
cars whirring and
crisp, spring,
early morning breeze..

the foggy, green-blue tint of the atmosphere..
familiarity and comfort..

the twinkle of the dew
intricately laced atop the blades of grass
unseen for months of snow..

i look back at the impression
in my bed from where i had slept.

brushed the hair out from my eyes
and headed for the door..

i sit up breathing slow and deep..

aware of the slight, still trembling of my limbs..

careful to part my lips slightly while exhaling.

it left a bad taste on my tongue.. that sensation i dreaded..

i noticed every detail of everything surrounding me in my little room..

on my nightstand, all of the essentials..

the empty copper cup my stepfather had handed me, full, now empty of water..
replace lost fluids..

my nearly empty baby blue glass water bottle..

a cold pack, now lukewarm to room temperature from being pressed against my feverishly warm skin.. alternating.. forehead..stomach..neck..forehead..stomach..neck..
filled with hundreds of those micro gel beads..baby blue.

a recently opened crinkly bag of Saltine crackers my mother had given me to settle my stomach that was either not favoring something i had eaten several hours before..or not favoring the lack of the food that i should have eaten..

my alarm clock, reminding me that i have to wake up soon.. work.. i thought i was sure i didn't feel like going..
my stomach turned at the thought when i entertained it..

"You think you won't feel better by then?"
my mother had asked me..
i knew that i would..

i had 2 hours to recover..to sleep...
but the 2 hours had come and gone within a slow blink..
no sleep...
but recovery and comfort had become mine at least...

sleep, recently, had never come as easily as it always had before..

the warm and comforting rain would commence soon..

my book..a quarter of the way read..my great escape..
newly discovering a gift of narration, and simultaneously hoping it wouldn't cease with finishing the book..

and my retainer that i had comically and seemingly unconsciously swiped off before the incident so that they wouldn't get ruined..
only now it had occurred to me that i hadn't removed them in attempt to protect them from stomach acids.. but to alleviate the nauseating taste lingering on my tongue..

had i been selfish?

no...now was not the time to be ******* myself..
it hardly ever was..

focusing harder..

a massage bar strong with fragrant peppermint and cinnamon, pushed as far away from my nose as possible..
placed atop my vanity just on the other side of my nightstand..

my auburn hair, disheveled yet perfectly placed amidst..

a thick, extra blanket tossed aside at the foot of my bed..
reduce the fever
i had intended..

my poorly folded shorts and socks i had removed..

my electronics in disarray beneath my writing desk..
laptop charger plugged into the wall yet unplugged from the laptop itself..
my earbuds still attached, carelessly dangling to the floor..
the DSM-5 ever-so-gently placed atop my laptop..

i was always aware of the tremendous amount of books in my room..those lived in..and those awaiting their turn to have their pages grazed and loved..

and my little dog, cozied and nestled into her reciprocally little round bed in the corner of the room..
sleeping soundly with one eye open, always protecting us both..

my bedroom door open, i could hear the distant and gentle sound of dishes clattering and soft, running water..
pots and plates and plastic cups...

my mother must have decided to wash some dishes instead of trying to rejoin my stepfather in slumber..

or had he been awake, getting ready for work?

one thing i was sure of..

i suddenly frowned, corners of my mouth turned downward..

i suddenly felt bad and sorry for waking them..

ashamed..
thought this shame had not come from an external source..
irrational..
i am getting better at this..

but i realized then that had they not cared for me, they both would not have come running up the stairs at 3:50 a.m.

they showed me during my darkest moments..mostly.

my stepfather in his warm gentle temperature-checking hand grazing across my forehead as i sat, weak on the bathroom floor..
furrow between my brows, a tear gliding down my cheek.

my mother, in the way she stayed..sat with me for an hour after
as we ruled out the etiology..
in the way her strong hands massaged my feet, for comfort..

asking for help is okay..
i reminded myself..

being vulnerable
and allowing others..
the ones with pure intentions
to see me at my best..worst..and ugliest..
and looking for the moments they show me they even still love me..

courage..
in a NEW way..
something i had to get used to..

words.

turning my pain into words.

never to hurt

only to heal,

myself.

to help me process . .

help me cope . .

help me learn . .

help me grow . .

help me change .  .

help me feel & express

the mess that's tangled within . .

help me remember,

who i am.

i realize i don't have to end things

in order for my endless night to cease . .

i only have to keep waking up

until my sun finally rises with me .  .

i can learn to live

learn to survive

learn to thrive

in the darkness . .

blindly trusting

that the sun will rise again

through my seemingly endless night . . .

i will give in to your emotional games
and word you are so obsessed with . . .
villain.
make me that . . .
but you have no idea,
what it's like for me.
no matter how much i try to tell you,
you have no idea,
what i feel.
no matter how hard i try to express it . . .

.

it's barely 8:36 a.m.

"why are you still here?"

she asks me . .

"why? if you're that miserable?"

she asks, not really wanting to know the answer . .

maybe she's right . .

why am i still here

.

i don't hate anything.

but i hate this.

i hate it when it consumes me and when i give it the power to take over my mind and break my own heart..

i hate when i can't pull myself out of drowning in it..

i hate it when i forget..

i hate it when i forget who i am and how strong and sensitive i am..

i hate it when i forget and hurt you instead of love you..

i hate that i think that telling you would have made you understand so you could help me when it pulls me under.. suffocating me.. suffocating you..

and every single time this happens..
all i think about is
e v e r y t h i n g . . .

memories of warmer skies

feeling distant with each breath i take..

the deep conversations we've held between your baby blue eyes and my wide chocolate ones..

the way neither of us have to say a word to know what the other was thinking or feeling..

the warmth of your skin accidentally grazing against mine..

asking if i would ever get to trace the tips of my fingers gently along the constellation of your scars, healing the hurt of your past as i go..

never fully realizing until after just how much damage i, myself am inflicting..

memorizing the sound of your voice because i feel as if i would never hear it again..

asking if i would ever feel the beating of your heart pounding out of your chest as we slowly bring our lips together..

studying the lines of your face because it feels like an impossibility to ever be so close to you again..

wondering if i will ever feel protected by you or if i will ever get to protect you, knowing it's impossible when i'm the one thing hurting you..

remembering the soft drifting snowflakes i gently brushed from your brow..

or the first time we embraced beneath the warm May spring rain..

replaying every thoughtful and adoring thing we've ever said..

the friendly smiles shared and laughs from goofy things only we'd understand..

wondering if i would ever feel brave enough to sign "i love you" from across the room to you..

always hoping but never fully believing that, each time, after what i do.. you would ever... ever want to see me again..

"never confide your fears"
she told me . .

but what if i tell them to
the one person i want to trust?

and what if that is the one person
that always breaks it?