they asked me how my love life is

to which i replied:

currently burning.

i'm watching it like a bonfire in the middle of a clearing on the outskirts of the woods...

at the edge of town in the middle of nowhere, where you & the ghost of us are anywhere & everywhere i look...

wearing a tearstained gown with messy smoke-saturated hair as the wind sweeps it across my face, grazing my collarbone, around my neck & over my shoulders...

with empty eyes & a heart made of glass, shattered & aching...my spirit of love, in shambles.

knowing that there isn't a **** thing i can do or say to resurrect what we once shared . . .

my melatonin kicked in strong & the last thing i remember seeing through the sleepy haze was a bright & golden 11:11 staring boldly back at me, demanding to be wished upon...
i made a wish but i can't remember what it was.

i crafted my heart into carefully selected diction for you, you said it meant more than i'd ever know to you...if that was true then why did you let me go?...

were you just an undercover bad boy, a face behind a masquerade mask? were you just sweet because you knew i always have a sweet tooth, because you knew you should be? were you remarkably thoughtful because you knew i was too, so i could think we were cut from the same cloth?...

i wake up every morning & wonder if you still think of us & how it all took a turn so soon. do you still think about the fun we had? do you still remember how we could never say goodbye before midnight with messy hair & flushed cheeks? do you still think about the stranger smiles & glances shared between two, the way the peach wine made me dizzy or the way you held my hand against your stick shift...

i gave you my everything because i knew you appreciated it...i gave you my all because i knew you loved it...because i knew you wanted to see it, know it, have it, want it, need it, keep it...

but were you just an undercover bad boy, just another face in the sea of strangers? were you just another narcissistic sociopath with an ulterior motive posing as a regular? were you just another walking heartbreaker, was i just another pawn in your game? was it all just a game?...

i remember thinking you were mine forever, and i can't say that you loved me because you never got there, but tell me darling why, why did it feel like you did?...

i was honest, i was true...i was falling without a clue...i was brave, i was bold...i was new, and you knew...i was me, we felt free...we were real, we were deep...we were vulnerable, we were everything they all wish they had...

please tell me darling that you were never just an undercover bad boy...tell me you were everything you showed yourself to be...that you were exactly who you told me you were, & that your feelings were true...tell me you meant every word, every dance, every song, every smile, every kiss, every touch, every glance...

i own no one
an apology
for my feelings.

i don't own anyone
an explanation
for why i feel
the way i do,
i just do.

i am not in a place of
overdraft
because i am affected
by the way they make me feel
small...invalidated...
unexperienced...mistaken...
confused­...doubtful.

i am not in debt
to anyone
by not proving to them
that i was happy...
that i was in love...
that i was myself.

i own no one
my energy
in trying to convince
them that what we were
was real...
when they've already decided
we weren't enough to have
ever really been valid...
to have ever truly existed . . .

somber slow-motion days pass me by in a slumberesque daze

cars zip & zoom past street lamps carving wispy swirls of the early autumn fog across the pavement

city lights illuminate the misty atmosphere in muted hues of empty-mall-parking-lot-orange & stadium-blue

reminiscing the warm & vivid summer days when it was never raining, where we were never losing, always and only gaining.

i'm jealous of
the wind
because it doesn't know
how lucky it is
that it gets to run through your hair
the way my fingers used to.

i'm jealous of
the moon
because it doesn't know
how lucky it is
that it gets to watch as you
softly slip into shallow slumbers
the way i used to as i laid in your arms.

i'm jealous of
the stars
because they don't know
how lucky they are
that they get to be gazed at by you
and your bright hazel eyes full of awe
the way i used to be by you
every time you walked towards me.

i'm jealous of
the sun
because it doesn't know
how lucky it is
to get to kiss your summer skin
beneath it's warmth
the way i used to when i was still yours & you mine.

i'm jealous of
every bottle of wine
that reaches your lips
because they don't know
how lucky they are
that they get to be pressed gently against
yours that make that sincere smile
and words sweeter than honey,
the way mine used to
over & over & over
because we could never have just one.

i'm jealous of
the grass
because it doesn't know
how lucky it is
to get to graze you softly
as you walk by
the way i used to when we barely knew
each other...
before we knew we were meant to . . .

every time i look at that striped sweater i think of us.
standing in the middle of that crowd in the pale blue lights,
sore throats & your thumbs in my belt loops.

we were going to rise above the rest,
rise above the rest who tried & tried but landed
sooner than they hoped
& fly with the eagles...

i had all my cutest outfits
picked out, hung up, lined up
waiting for you

but now i wear them alone
as i sit at our favorite coffee shop
where we first talked.

i should be there with you,
laughing at all the funny faces
your niece makes when she eats pizza

i should be there with your hand
intertwined with mine under the table,
as we sing happy birthday to your mom
as she blows out her wishes.

you should be here in the car with me
as we sing tennessee whiskey off-key
with the windows rolled all the way down,
taking in the last of the summer air

the wind doesn't know how lucky it is
that it gets to run wild through your soft brown hair
the way my fingers used to.

you'll always feel like coming home

i would swear black is white if it meant one more day next to you

you'll always be my favorite

even if it makes me ache

you'll always be my "just one more minute"

i would swear the earth is flat if it meant one more day being yours

you'll always be my shooting star wish

you'll always be my july & august

you'll always be my brighter days.

we had what you only see in the cinema

we had a film kind of love

we had the depth of a play & the soul of a musical

we had the heart of an adventure & spirit of a christmas movie

we had the laughs of a comedy & aches of a drama

we had the possibility of a mystery & excitement of an action

we had the magic of a romance & the wonder of a memoir

we had what you can only seen on the silver screen

we had what you can only read in the scripts

we had what can only be found between well-loved pages, flipped through dozens of times

we were the silent films & black and whites

we were the technicolor revolution

and even though i wish we could have been a happily ever after instead of a coming-of-age, i'll always rewatch it from beginning to end

i always thought this kind of feeling was only in the cinema, but i know now that is is real . . .

SIDE A:

"boys of faith"                       : zach bryan, bon iver
"sun to me"                            : zach bryan
"ceilings"                                : lizzy mcalpine
"till forever falls apart"        : ashe, finneas
"september"                          : james arthur
"the good side"                    : troye sivan
"before you go"                    : lewis capaldi
"wish you the best"             : lewis capaldi
"those eyes"                          : new west
"next to you"                        : new west
"past lives"                           : borns

SIDE B:

"out of the woods"               : taylor swift
"the 1"                                    : taylor swift
"cardigan"                             : taylor swift
"right where you left me"   : taylor swift
"maroon"                              : taylor swift
"blue"                                    : ed sheeran
"page"                                   : ed sheeran

and i can't help but feel that this could have ended differently.

and i can't help but think that i could have changed the ending.

and i can't help but think that if i had only done something different...

i can't help help but think that i should have been different that night...

maybe you'd still be here.

maybe you'd be standing in front of me, with your arms wrapped tightly around me in this rain,
instead of me standing here alone with it dripping down my cold cheeks waiting for you to appear...

maybe you'd be here next to me.

i can't help but feel...

i would have been different
i could have been different
i should have been different...

i can't help but think...

i wouldn't have said that
i shouldn't have said that...

maybe you'd be...

he would still be here...
he could still be here...
he should still be here...

maybe we'd be . . .

you were the only one
who ever made me feel
like i could simply be me
& not worry once about
how you saw me or
what you thought of me.

you were the only one
who ever made this life
feel easy. soft. bright.

you were the one that
made everything before you
fade away to nothing...
none of it mattered anymore...
the hurt...the darkness...the aching.

you were the only one
who could have left hours ago
but i'd still be left smiling
because of you.

you were the only one
who ever heard me sing.
loudly, obnoxious, & without
fear.

you were the only one
who ever touched me
before you ever even touched me.

you were the one who
made everything feel light,
the mundane feel beautiful,
the ordinary feel extraordinary,
& the trivial feel profound.

you were the one who
did enough...more than...always.

you were the one who
made me see i can be
brave. vulnerable. and trusting.

you were the one who
taught me i could be
nothing less...nothing more
than me. who i am in the moment.

you were the only one
who encouraged me to
be everything i am, & to hide
nothing.

and you saw me.
you took me for what i
so unapologetically was (am).

you were the one
i felt most comfortable with.
most natural.
most easy.
most trustworthy.
most honest.
most authentic.
most everything.

you were the one
with which happiness came
so easy, so genuine.

you were also the only one
that had the power to take
it all away...

we were everything
i could have asked for
and everything more . . .

i thought i had something
you would be scared to lose.

i thought we would be something
worth a fight.

i thought we would get there...

i thought we were on our way...

i thought we would go far...

i thought we were going to make it . . .

i'm sorry if i seem distant

i'm sorry if i seem different

i'm sorry if i seem like i don't have as much to say like i used to

i'm just trying to give you some space

some space from me, i suppose

if that's what you feel you need.

take me back to when the days
burned like fire

take me back to when the skies
were much brighter

take me back to when
i've never felt lighter

take me back to when our hopes
couldn't get any higher

i was proud to be yours,
i was proud to be yours

like we were the only ones
in a crowd in new york

you were the open door,
the only one i had eyes for

i was proud to be yours,
i was proud to be yours

take us back to when
i wore your initial on a necklace

take us back to when
we dreamt a little reckless

take us back to when
we'd have dessert instead of breakfast

take us back to when
we made everyone around us jealous

i was proud to be yours,
i was proud to be yours

like we were the only ones
in a crowd in new york

you were the open door,
the only one i had eyes for

i was proud to be yours,
i was proud to be yours

how long will it take
until these feelings have come & gone?

or will you come back to say you were wrong?

how long will i wait
until i see your love is foregone?

you know i'd wait from dusk until dawn

i was proud to be yours,
i was proud to be yours

like we were the only ones
in a crowd in new york

you were the open door,
the only one i had eyes for

i was proud to be yours,
i was proud to be yours

SIDE     A :              
       
"you said you'd grow old with me"   : michael schulte
"find my way back"                              : eric arjes
"no matter where you are (wed.v.)"   : us the duo
"dancing in the kitchen"                      : lany
"figure"                                                  ­: anoraak
"molly"                                                ­  : lil dicky
"rosyln"                                                 : bon iver

SIDE      B :

"pancakes for dinner"                          : lizzy mcalpine
"i'm with you"                                      : vance joy
"i remember everything"                    : zach bryan
"satellite"                                              ­ : harry styles
" here with me"                                     : d4vd
"if you ever want to be in love"          : james bay

chasing our shadow down city sidewalks

i can't help but wonder if you miss me like i miss you

picking wild daisies, your birth flower, off the side of the road as i place them in my hair the way i tucked it behind your ear

i can't help but wonder if you still think of me too or if i have been forgotten

everywhere i go i look over my shoulder in case you're there

am i the one you look for in a crowded room?

do you wish you could see me too?

everything i do i wish i could be doing with you

do you miss the sound of my voice the way my heart is aching to hear yours again?

do you wish you were standing here next to me like i wish you could be?...

S I D E      A :
"august"                          : flipturn
"all i want"                     : kodaline
"picture perfect"            : joli
"apocalypse"                  : cigarettes after ***
"the funeral"                  : band of horses
"all too well (10 min.)"    : taylor swift
"strawberries"                : caamp
"anchor"                         : novo amor
"embody me"                 : novo amor
"because of you"           : stephen sanchez

S I D E      B :
"sleep on the floor"                               : the lumineers
"brightside"                                         ­ : the lumineers
"iris"                                               ­       : the goo goo dolls
"flightless bird, american mouth"       : iron & wine
"wake me"                                             : bleachers
"i choose you"                                       : adam melchor
"until i found you"                               : stephen sanchez
"real love baby"                                    : father john misty
"more"                                                   : between friends

watching as your car gets smaller as you drive away

it all goes blurry
as tears turn my eyes
into caleidescopes

you're the first and last thought of all my days

i'm not sure why i keep hoping you'll call me

or why i keep hoping one day you'd be standing there next to my car waiting with a hug & a kiss & an "i take it all back"...

i hope one day i'll get to be as lucky as the monarch that landed on your soft brown hair that day

or the freshly painted poles that stained your hand yellow

i would spend
all my pennies,
every shooting star,
every 11:11,
every dandelion,
all my birthday cake candle wishes
on you, darling

nothing makes a room feel emptier than wishing you were in it.
(or knowing you're not in it.)

i just want to be there
to hold you
to tell you it's all going to be alright
to kiss you in the rain
& be there through the dark & light.

i drive past your apartment
aching to just drop by,
stop to say hi,
bake a strawberry cake,
watch our favorite movies,
ask questions about life,
& kiss you in the dark until
the sun comes up.

pancakes for dinner
wouldn't be the same without you.

late night city drives wondering if you wish for these things too.

and all i do is spend
all my pennies,
every shooting star,
every 11:11,
every dandelion,
all my birthday cake candle wishes
on the hope that one day we'll do everything we said we would...

one day near, one day far

one day later, one day soon...

the right one won't mind being with you even when you're at your worst & all of your days have darkened.

my mind is fogged...colors faded to black & white.

my heart is broken...aching & too weak to fight.

all i want to do is sleep...sleep...sleep...sleep...

because at least in my dreams, you're with me

at least in my dreams, i am yours & you are mine.

i wake up & feel the pain in my heart...the reality reminding me.

i shut my eyes closed tight

i roll over to face the wall

and i squeeze my pillow tighter

a single warm tear rolls down my cheek & i can hear it as it plops onto my forever-tear-stained pillow.

the stars & mars watch over me as i lay there curled into a tight ball...nausea nights

i walk outside in my winter coat...find a spot where the snow is fluffiest, i spread out my arms and allow myself to fall backwards until i'm facing the sun...you come join me as we lay there...you turn your head to look at me & that's where we stay

the memories of us flood my mind with faded edges & an aesthetic filter hanging over it like vintage film cameras.

beige

take me back to the days i felt happiest.

there's still so much we haven't done...

promise me you'll think of me when you're ready...

promise me you'll think of me when you're better...

promise me you'll try.

i've seen a lot of eyes
but yours are the only ones i never look away from

i've seen a lot of smiles
but yours is the most genuine of them all

i've heard a lot of voices
but yours i always catch in a room full of people

i've met a lot of people
but you are my favorite

nothing will change

nothing has ever felt this natural

i have never felt this happy

with anyone

i've never felt so safe to be me

you make me feel easy to love

like i can just be me & so can you

i want to do that for you

& you do that for me.

i look out my window from across my bedroom and wonder if that's mars or venus blinking back at me.

everything is still so new.

then why does it feel this familiar? . . .

there's this technique
us overthinkers (don't) like to use,
and it's called
assuming the worst.

nothing will truly
be able to fully put
my mind at ease
until then.

it's a coin flip:
heads or tails?
it's as simple and
complicated as that.

i don't know if i'm
getting you back tomorrow
or losing you forever.

and there's nothing more
terrifying than
not knowing until then.

so until then,
i'll assume the worst.
brace myself...only to
not know how to handle
it when (if) it does occur.

i will know by this time tomorrow...
and that's somehow scarier.

what not to say to an overthinker:
1) "can we meet up and talk?"
and especially not...
2) "i'd rather talk sooner than later"

i look up at just the right time:
11:11.

if there's anything these past
few months have taught me,
it's that even when you
are expecting an ending,
no matter how long it's arrival
has been awaited...it still
never makes it any easier
when it finally arrives.

i've been making eye contact with a lot of 11:11s lately.

i hope it will rain tomorrow. i need someone to understand how this feels. the clouds never fail to do so.

i made sure i ate today and that might be my favorite little victory for the day.

i wait for you to say the word but fear it may never be said.

i got another mosquito bite today...that's 23.

i got really excited earlier when i felt my phone vibrate! i thought you were calling me but it was actually just a robot.

i laughed so hard earlier that my stomach hurt when my sister asked me who taylor lautner is married to...it's funny because her name is also taylor. if you know you know.

"love is patient"
is the first line.

they say if you insert their name in replacement for "love", and it is all true, then they're the one for you...i promise i am trying to be everything love is for you...

i find no struggle when i look in the mirror as i study my eyes and everything i used to be and never was that i so suddenly am.

this work-in-progress-yet-a-masterpiece of a mind, body, & old soul of mine.

i find no struggle when i look in the mirror...only that i hope you like what you see when you see me.

i threw away the rest of the brownies i baked in the trash because no one would finish them. they were air-stale.

it's (not) funny because that seems to be what happens in real life, isn't it? the love, time, thought, & effort we pour into others ends up thrown out because it goes unappreciated...or even worse...unloved in reciprocal.

(and no i'm not referring to you, you know who you are (i hope))

you'd think one would get used to it after many years.

but maybe not us. no, not those like us. it always hits as if it's the first time we're feeling it.

i made an interesting observation over the past several months: no matter how many chances i give others and no matter HOW many times they've hurt, disappointed, or let me down...it STILL surprises me. EVERY. SINGLE. time. and i don't know how...i don't know why...i don't know why.

i also made another observation...one less interesting but all the more wonderful: i can dance like no one's watching to the songs i used to cry to or skip...if that doesn't say healing i don't know what does.

11:11

i wish you will find that healing and peace soon, too.

\ \ \
i can't wait to see you

do you feel the same way?

i wish i could ask you

if that's okay & if i may?
/ / /

feeling feverish as i sit up in bed, bathed & with half-way-to-sleep eyes.

i just want to know that you're still mine, and i yours.

i've been writing for two hours now, i think!?...

my hair is drying a little too fast before i get the chance to blow-dry it.

it's 12:08 a.m. and i'm wondering if you got home safely.

i want to paint my nails your favorite color,

but i don't want to risk losing you.

magnificent - mundane

undeniable - grog & grain

how do you spell "gray"? with an 'a' or an 'e' before the 'y'?

the only ones who can ***** out our flame is us.

which brings both great relief but also IMMENSE fear.

simultaneity has been a close friend the past couple of years.

can we make this flame into a fire, one that can keep us warm through these cold, uncertain nights?

"i've never moved so quickly from feeling so sure to feeling so lost in such little time."

i wish it still felt like summertime.

"just keep being your sweet self", you whispered through the phone

i could hear the sleep in your voice & ache in your heart.

you still know me better than most, even if you don't know my favorite ice cream flavor.

S I D E      A
"already mine"         : us the duo
"us"                           : james bay
"broken things"        : clairity
"the night we met"   : lord huron
"delicate"                   : taylor swift
"life me up"               : mree

S I D E       B
"august"                                        : flipturn
"stupid"                                         : lizzy mcalpine
"i love you"                                   : billie eilish
"mirrorball"                                  : taylor swift
"through the dark"                      : alexi murdoch
"if you ever want to be in love"    : james bay

:::::::::::

better, i wish i had known.

i wish i never wrote that poem.

i wish i didn't visit you that day.

i wonder if things would be different if home, i had decided to stay.

:::::::::::

remembering when i was suddenly
no longer a "maybe"
and became a solid "yes"...

11:11

wishing that didn't have to switch overnight.

i'm usually okay with silence

but this time,
there's a little more
than i wish there would be
on the other end of the phone.

the days have been brighter since you came along
(:

i lost my mind the way i lose my rings in the washing machine

unexpectedly & suddenly


i can't find my mind the way i can't find my mom in the grocery store

scattered, scared, relentlessly & helplessly

love is not for the faint of heart, this much i know.

i have a habit of
giving people
more chances
than they deserve...

three strikes?...no 5!...well maybe 10.

less is more.

i always mistaken
moths for butterflies

i always mistaken
weeds for flowers

and it's always difficult to tell
the difference
between
queen anne's lace
& hemlock.

i wonder if
you still read
my poems
or if you
stopped
when they
ceased to be
about you . . .

old
faded
& used
or
bright
bold
& new

how many shades are there?
6 billion if i ever knew

i'd rather be blue with you
than happy with anyone else.

we've all got some within us,
it's a shame it's my favorite color.

but lucky for you
your hue happens to be
the prettiest one of them all.

pastels
& baby blues
or navy and deep ocean hues.

just when i thought
i've seen them all,
i've never seen one
as beautiful
as stunning
as yours & mine
as they seep, swirl, & fuse

these walls are rotting
and the shelves are empty,
i can't keep up with the dusting.

the rooftop is caving in
and the windows are shattered,
faded colored glass scattered across the
creaky, splintered floorboards.

the candle wicks won't light
and the electricity is out,
the heat is broken & the a.c. is down.

the stove won't boil my tea
and the oven won't bake my cakes,
the skeleton keys are either lost
or the doors no longer allow them
to unlock them.

the garden is overgrown
and the ivy has overcome these bones,
the flowers have been trampled by passersby
and the weeds have taken over.

i cannot upkeep these walls
& i cannot keep up with these
lonely nights
(the days and nights fuse together)

i am packing my bags
& removing the sheet.
i am moving out
& into a new place,
a home and not a haunted house.

i will no longer watch you
as you love & live without me
& i am taking up space,
spreading my arms out beside myself
as i jump, dance, & twirl
until i become too dizzy & fall to the ground . . .
& finding who i am now,
no matter where
no matter why
now matter how . . .

~

this is me healing.
this is me longing.
this is me struggling.
this is me living.
this is me loving.
this is me moving on.
this is me finding myself.
this is me forgiving myself.
this is me loving myself.
this is me remembering.
this is me recovering.
this is me trying.
this is me learning.
this is me changing.
this is me growing.
this is me falling.
this is me standing back up.
this is me reflecting.
this is me coping.
this is me processing.
this is me expressing.
this is me feeling like myself again.
this is me healing.

~