we always said
it was black & white.

that it's funny it seems like
siblings are only ever either
angry & malicious towards one another
or authentic, goofy, obnoxious, & happy.

but i think we're seeing new colors here...
some shades of gray...
some blues...

we're learning that there's more to this,
that we feel something deeper,
more valuable, more tangible...

we hugged twice today.
that doesn't normally happen.

i made you hot cocoa today.
you went for a walk with me.
there was something i've been wanting to say.
& you just listened.

i noticed the warmth in the room
when it used to always be cold.

& the best part is,
you noticed it too.

every night when i close my eyes,
you follow me,
you tap me on the shoulder
& ask if we could talk for a moment,
there is something important
you want to say...

so i listened but everything you said
i couldn't understand,
it was like a different language,
from another planet or another land.

fMRIs of brains under emotional pain show neural activity in the exact same regions (insula, dACC, and thalamus) when physical pain is felt.

they used to tell me to stay away from you because you'd hurt me...
but now it's you who tells me.

i won't let you close enough to hurt me like before.
and you shouldn't let anyone do the same.

you were the sand that i tightened my grip around, causing you to slip through my fingers faster than if i loosened them...

i wanted to get it right so badly that i always got it wrong.

& we had no idea that electricity would turn to lightning.

you said you'd never break the bottle

don't . . .

while mine is tucked away, safe & in a place no one could ever remove the lid again (no one but us)

just in case we'll ever need it . .

i kind of love it
when it all falls apart.
because then i know
it will only become
better than it ever was.

& i no longer daydream
about a life where
sadness is starring in
my own movie.

i'm not always
good at words.

but i know
you are good
at reading my eyes.

so don't stop looking,
because you're the only one
who ever really does.

i told you
i told you.

so it wasn't like it was a surprise
it shouldn't have been a surprise.

a few words could make you run
were you always on the run?

i told you i was fine
are we ever really fine?

but i don't want to enter the new year without you
i don't want to without you . . .

i wish we all weren't this sh#tty.

"hurt people hurt people" they say.

& it's true.

i wish it wasn't, though.

i wish i could take it all back.

it's always the brightest days that get ruined.

it's always right at the end, too.

i should know this by now.

& we aren't getting anywhere...

we aren't dancing around anything but neither are there any solutions in sight...

i hate this.

i hurt you.

you hurt me.

& we aren't getting anywhere.

there are no signs. no maps. not even a road.

just a wide open space full of air we keep shouting at each other.

we're never on the same page, they keep getting torn out.

or we are but they're written in a language neither of us speaks.

i feel remorse.

my head is pounding & my eyes are swollen.

i have some apologies to make tomorrow.

i feel remorse.

thought half of what i said was true...and valid lest we forget...

it is a shame that even the loveliest of skies can crash & burn.

Silent was the sound of you when i asked what was wrong.
To make it through this week is the greatest goal of all.
Ontario was the lake where i found out i was beautiful.
Never will i ever not feel love for you somewhere in these bones.
Exit signs glow red across the dim empty room.
Stones to skip or stones to build a forever home.

Treacherous is the path we'd have to take to outlast, outrun.
Onward we'd rise, radiate, rectify, resil...

Sadness left me empty, sadness left me whole.
Knowing you're okay is all i could ask for.
Is it too soon to know?
Perfect was the night you came to see me when i missed you most.

i sit & stare at my beige-painted walls wondering how long "a while" is.

i realize that maybe i'm not something to be indulged in all at once, for that would simply be too much, too soon, too quickly. i'm something to be savored...a drink to sip, never guzzled without manners... something to be cherished & deeply considered...something to take your time with, never rush through or overlook all that i am comprised of.

this poem originally was supposed to be about self-pity. & how i am only tolerable in small amounts...but now it is a poem of self-recognition. & how potent my whole mind, my whole heart, my whole body, my whole truth, my whole presence is to be explored, admired, seen, known, understood, wanted, felt, accompanied, & loved.

tonight i pulled out the letter you once wrote me
from out of its hiding place.

i don't know what compelled me to reread it,
because i knew that if i did, it would reopen
all of the wounds that long for your touch...

it seems like another life
that we lived, doesn't it?

another life where everything was possible
even when odds were against us.

another life where you wanted me in return
& there was no question, doubt, or moments hesitation
about it.

another life where you missed me
& weren't afraid to say it.

another far...far off life
when you wrote about how
everyday you wanted to
see me
hug me
kiss me
& tell me,
"how much i truly love you." . . .

our world caved
& has never been the same.

how many times until
they've learned their subjective lesson?
the night passes slower
when the heart is aching.

that moment's fog of not knowing
what was real & what was a dream...
then knowing & wishing, praying
what was real was a dream.

she said she wanted to
take it but they all told her
she couldn't.

she tried & tried anyway
until the torches & chains
swung away

i lay on the ground
pinned down & never
going out without a fight.

end scene.

start scene,
you are my getaway car
as we set for the cinema,
crowds of strangers & familiar
faces alike.

i never thought we'd be here
but we are & i've never been
more afraid & glad,
with you it's all the same
with you it's all the same...

the monsters came out
& the lines started forming,
you left when i thought you
were waiting for me.

did you know i wasn't right behind you?...

i walked out of the big red doors
& scanned the lot with fear-studded
eyes into the shimmering damp night,

the rain always allows
everything to be reflected
through it's remnants across the earth.

i called & called
& called & called...
i didn't know where
you had gone.
gone... was you...

the prison guards came,
they pulled up only this time
without the chains & reigns
but with smiles & greetings of relief.

i rode away with them
until i realized you were coming back
for me, so i lied.

i lied
& i had them take me back to that
crowded empty cinema our bodies
once occupied.

we felt small, 2 in a sea of hundreds.
the curtains called but not as much as
i did.

i waited in line again
& twirled my fingers
as i sat on the velvet cushion
comparing my beauty with the rest of
the nameless faces.

i don't know how i knew,
i just did
& there you were.

no frame & chairs full of glass,
you apologized over & over
& i told you i was just happy
you came back.

we drove off into the night
& you made sure i knew
your lips were meant to
touch mine,

now & until the very end
of time...

if you saw me again
would you fall in love
for the first time
all over again?

would you turn around
& walk the other way,
hoping i didn't see you too?
or would you want me
the same way i want you?

would you tell them
you hoped you'd never see
my face after all this time?
or would you miss me
the way we did when you were mine?

would you stop to say hello,
the how've you been's?
planting hope's seeds?
or would you tell me
you realize that we're
all you'll ever need?

i wish i could
tell you
i remember that
bright summer day
i forgot my sunglasses
that we walked out together
& you told me
it's been a while since you had
seen me ...
that warm wide smile
& that long-sleeved white shirt ...
i remember it &
i wish i could
tell you ...
i remember thinking of you
for the first time,
i remember feeling surprised
you had thought of me at all.
i remember thinking you were sweet ...
i remember it &
i wish i could
tell you . . .

although the leaves have turned brown
& the wind has them fallen to the ground,
the sky has turned a shade of gray
& the air bites gently at fingertips,
pumpkins & pies take over dinner plates
& multicolored lights decorate our homes,

i will always remember him with sunkissed skin
& soft brown wind-blown hair,
that same wide smile
& a smooth warm voice,
with summer-crazed eyes
& a daisy in his hair . . .
<3

a crowd surrounding

loud music, bass pounding.

grill smoke

"diet pepsi or coke?"

this must be a dream, a pinch & a poke

fireworks & crossed fingers

THIS MUST BE A DREAM... still the hope lingers...

there are so many people, pretty faces

& we are here, out of all of the places

i catch you staring, our eyes meet

the second you notice me notice you, you look back down to your feet...

i catch you staring again, our eyes lock

i don't want to go home, can't stop glancing at the clock...

i sat in my car for 20 minutes debating on speaking up

i let it be & left, this newfound chapter you are welcome to interrupt

glances shared between two...

i always find it crazy how no one else sees them, innocent & new...

it's like it was meant for us & only us...

only us will have those memories forever...only us . . .only us . . .

you were there
until you weren't.

you made your
presence & absence
a seamless transition,
a folk tale for your passing disposition.

so much so
they became synonymous
until your name
became one with anonymous . . .

i walk past you
with your puppy-dog eyes
following her

it's funny how you become
a total stranger
when she's around

does she even know
we still talk?

are we an item?
are we a figment?
a work of fiction or
a smear of pigment?

does she really know you? . . .
does she really see you? . . .

i walk past you again
& again & again
& i'm convinced
i must be translucent...

a phantasm
a mere spectating specter
a presence
a ghost...

even after all this time
you still pull
cheap moves
on the one that might
care about you the most.

how does it feel
to make love to the
middle of the week?

to be a perfect stranger
to the one that makes you meek?

to kiss me in a peculiar fashion,
to miss me in the smallest of rations,
to touch me with the maddest passion?

how does it feel
to have left with reason
but still want more,
more throughout the season?

everyone tells me that the reason we ended just means that something better is waiting for me...but i don't see how someone could be any more perfect than you were, darling? were we just stepping stones necessary to get us to where we are really meant to be? . . .

i remember writing that we fell into each other in july

do you recall when i read to you that i hoped we would fall in love in october?

it's november now, the world a dazzling gallery of crimson, gold, & rust...

i sent an invite to your new address for a rooftop rendezvous

glasses of peach wine & dozens of little red cards

a requested reminiscing...an appointed questionnaire in regard to our past life spent like impulsive racehorse bets

the leaves fall from damp branches to the dark earth like new loves blooming, but everyone knows nothing new blooms during the autumn

"meet me on the rooftop when the jack-o-lanterns turn to cornucopias but before the first frost nips at your fingertips"

and we can catch up & remember the memories, we can laugh and watch the condensation from our breath rise up to the gray autumn sky in clouds like chimney smoke from the rooftops

"meet me on the rooftop when the thought of us no longer makes me cry but before i forget what it felt like to care too much"

and we can scream our favorite songs & recall the times i tripped over every crack in the ground, we can talk for hours about anything, everything & how pineapple belongs on pizza, as we watch the families eat dinner around their tables & create elaborate fiction about their cookie-cutter lives...

"meet me on the rooftop when the autumn leaves are wind-driven but before they are a distant memory as they rest beneath the soft white winter blanket . . .before i forget what you look like...before i forget your middle name...before i forget the sound of your voice" . . .

you said good morning
& smiled that butterfly-inducing smile
knowing you would break my heart
just hours later...

you approached my car that night
knowing you would break my heart
just minutes later...

you embraced me into your big arms
& squeezed tightly
even though you knew you'd let me go
just moments from then...

you stood there with a sad glaze in your eyes,
an agenda & dressed in your best funeral suit...
skinny jeans & a denim jacket, i can still see it...

did you know all along that you would eventually
not want me?
don't say i didn't warn you...

you made a fool out of me as i stood there in front of you,
heart full of hope, eyes full of light & hands holding
a birthday cake i baked just for you...
but little did i know it wouldn't be eaten
at a birthday party, but rather for my funeral

you walked me around the mall
christmas lights & the stars twinkling
all around us like magic...
i was such a fool to think you'd choose me...
i kept my right hand unoccupied & fallen to my side
in case you wanted to hold it again...
but you never did...hands in your pocket
& handing me back the photo of us in the little golden locket...

i know you didn't want to, i know you didn't mean
for your words to take the light right out of my eyes
but you took my heart out of my chest, showed it to me
& crushed it in front of everyone walking past us in a blur...
it fell to the ground & the shattered pieces scattered across the cobblestone pavement beneath your winter boots

i fell to the ground with tears
turning my brown eyes into kaleidoscopes of despair...
the world spun as i struggled to find the words to get you to
stay stay stay . . .

instead to trying at all, all i could say was "that's okay..."
but you knew it wasn't...you knew it wasn't.
you knew i wanted us to work but you couldn't just leave the
knife in, you had to twist it too...

i told you i was so happy with you...but all you could say was, "i'm sorry i have to be the one to take that happiness away"...but i hoped you'd one day return it to me only to realize it was always mine to have but never mine to keep...

i watched as you got back into your car
with your cake in your hands
dressed in your best funeral suit,
smiling as i told you "i'll be okay"

i sat & watched as your car got smaller in the distance
as you drove home like you just ran an errand...

skinny jeans & a denim jacket,
i can still see it...
i can still hear it...
i can still feel it . . .

i know what you wanted
under the light of the moon

the summer of summers,
a lifetime cut short too soon

that night that you kissed me
after the circus,
it felt like i finally had a purpose

your lips, my lips
one touch & i'm left wordless

parking lot seagulls,
but we rose above the flock,
swooning, swooping, & flying high like eagles

i don't normally just say things out of the blue
but with you it's natural, with you i just do

i don't normally like rollercoasters
but darling, with you i'd ride them forever
like a teenager loves her boy band posters

now that you're gone
i can't help but think i've done something wrong,
if i wrote all that i feel
this song would be way too long

i don't normally drink
don't allow myself to even think,
i don't normally drink
but darling, i'm wasted on you

sharing bites of mac & cheese
love, i'd let you back in
all you have to say is please

if i can't have you by my side,
i'd end up dreaming of us each night

i don't have you by my side,
they say i'm living, but i call that dying

i can't have you by my side,
if i told them you were, i'd be lying

getting tipsy 'til i'm dizzy
off the wine we once bought,
even while everything's a blur
it's only you i never forgot

i close my eyes
& can still remember the taste
of peach on your tongue,
when i'm old i swear i'll look back
& still remember when we were young

i don't normally drink
don't allow myself to even think,
i don't normally drink
but darling, i'm wasted on you

you left me for your darker days,
but darling tell me
were they brighter with me in them?

i thought we were fighting,
but it turned out we were just dying
tell me how it's somehow worse
that we were never playing or lying?

you had to go
when i wanted us to grow,
i wondered what we'd be like in the snow,
i'll never have a christmas with you
so i guess we'll never know

i don't normally drink
don't allow myself to even think,
i don't normally drink
but darling, i'm wasted on you

top off the glass,
"the sorrow won't last",
you should be here with me
laughing & dancing beneath this northern rain,
with nothing to lose & everything to gain

nothing feels right
knowing you were going to be here
until you decided you shouldn't,
how is that worse than the fact that you couldn't?

one...three...ten or thirteen,
whisky & wine
until i say "i'm fine, i'm fine..."

i don't normally drink
don't allow myself to even think,
i don't normally drink
but darling, i'm wasted on you

i ran from the cabin & into the woods,
i thought i saw us among the trees
what we once had, they never understood

running, chasing, searching, falling...
my friends had to stop me
& tell me it was nothing

i don't normally drink
don't allow myself to even think,
i don't normally drink
but darling, i'm wasted on you

i don't normally drink
don't allow myself to even think,
i don't normally drink
but darling, i'm wasted on you

summer of sprinklers & sparklers

empty, sullen, somber autumn air

dark gray is the only color left

as the sky weeps like our loved ones

who question why...why...why did they have to go?...

when i can't sleep at night i still ask myself the same thing.

it isn't exactly comfortable enough to dream here in this 3 x 7 oak box.

this isn't how i want to remember us.

the yellow rose was a fallacy...the roses left at our grave are wilting & oozing black tears...

no one has visited in a while or changed out the water let alone leave new flowers

only brown leaves swirl in circles, dancing across the damp earth, intertwined with the mist & fog from the bog

i wish i could at least dance with your ghost but you haven't come out, not once.

i roam the grounds alone, staring up at the stars wondering if i could have spared us this grim ending...

and this isn't how i want to remember us.

my tears nurture this soil, making baby's breath bloom everywhere they fall beneath my bare frostbitten toes.

even though our fire dimmed to death these bones still ache for it's warmth

i swear i was going to love you...and i could swear you did too...

it was an open casket, you lied there with your eyes closed but darling i was still looking at you...searching for a sign of reversal...

did you see the look of shock & dismay on their faces at our wake?...or how many tears were shed at our burial?

no one saw this coming, not even us...not even you.

that may be the worst part.

i may have been a poet but not even i could have rewritten our narrative,
no amount of adjectives or metaphors could have resurrected our story.

but this is not how i want to remember us.

our headstone remains unwritten as they move your body to the countryside...my cheeks sink in & limbs all decay

and though we're long gone, they can still see me with a shovel at 11:11 when the moon illuminates the earth...weeping with the sky... still trying to resurrect what we used to be . . .

"what's a poem, after all, if not a safe space for a difficult truth?"

i have a tendency of having my heart broken when the leaves start to change colors.

i drive past your old apartment every time i drive home from school. it was sweet until it was bittersweet but now it's just bitter.

our sweet summer feels like a past life. it seems so long ago,
all the moments that stay but they all eventually turn gray.

gray was color of the sky the day that you said you had to leave

leaves were the blanket that covered the ground the night you last touched my hand.

and i'm so tired of being what i am when every good thing that comes my way turns into something i taint.

you said there was nothing that i could do to ever scare you away, then tell me, why one little thing had you run the other way?...

in my dreams you're stealing glimpses & asking me if i want to start all over again.

in my dreams we made it.
in my dreams you feel the same.

I'M not wHERE i want to be

you look for someone to love you but i've been standing right here all along

i thought i gave you my best, i thought my heart would finally rest...

i told you all of my secrets, my habits & fears... you said you'd never grow bored of knowing me...

the shade always comes at the worst time, we were okay, we were happy, we were doing just fine...

i remember that first glimpse of hope when we both said we'd rather elope, i ran home that day & gushed about you to my dad,
i accepted it now, but it still makes me sad.

i thought we'd have more time
i thought we'd have more time

but we were always meant
to say goodbye, weren't we?...

right from the start we were closer than most, but we never felt the need to boast.

"if i told you about the darkness inside of me would you still look at me like i'm the sun?"

i used to love to go places alone but with you it was always more fun.

but just like sand, the tighter i tried to hold onto you, the quicker
you slipped through my fingers...

you were my greatest teacher & easiest lesson: i cannot make someone love me by loving them harder.

you didn't think you could love me if you couldn't love you
it's valid
it's valid...
"boundaries are the distance at which i can love you & me all at the same time"

if this is what it takes, then darling, i don't mind the cold.

the love inside of me is somehow all yours, & i hate when i feel like this.

i thought you growing tired of me was my biggest fear, but i can feel you forgetting to remember me & i've never felt more afraid...

"i think we want different things" he said, but i couldn't find the words as the tears rolled down my warm cheeks to tell him i disagree...

everything before you feels like a blur, still necessary but not as important as where we had plans on going...

strawberries & sunsets on the beach was our everyday until every last drop of wine was all death & decay...

I DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER
YOU THIS WAY
I DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER
US THIS WAY...

but it's so hard when you loved me then, then why can't you again?
you say you didn't get there but your actions speak otherwise...

now the taste of apple cider reminds me of you, the days when i kissed you through the leaves & you never wanted me to leave.

our bedroom windows face the sunrise, even on my darkest day
you showed up with sunflowers, you were always the most unexpected surprise.

the road was long but i never minded, as long as you were in the car with me, the path was winded but we knew we couldn't be blinded...

i remember thinking you were mine, but i didn't get enough gas for this detour...

for the first time i can find my way back home, it's been folklore since july & even though the sun is asleep, i know it'll soon feel like spring.

fast forward to the tail end of October.
the leaves are falling like we were in august
as i walk the same trail we did that day.

"that's okay i understand!!!!"
except it made me sick to my stomach.

i walked these autumn town streets holding the hand of your ghost mid-october.

with you, i was a bit more me.

i hear you're still around. but nowhere near me. our one-sided-too-soon love had gone cold while your soul intertwines with someone else's.

i'm jealous of the chair that kisses your back while you sit in it. it's stable & reliable embrace has the grace of holding you more than i ever will.

the candlelight wanted us to be seen by each other. only death by our own hands...only by one of our pair of young lungs would it be extinguished. it wasn't me who blew it out.

i was always told, "one day you'll meet someone & you'l see why it never worked with anyone else." and, "you'll meet someone who will make you feel how it should have felt all along."

that was you, that was you, but now you're gone, now you're gone

"i'm ashamed of what i've done for love, but i do not regret any of it."

"i realize that loving too much can also make you gasp for air, it makes you want to scream in the wee early morning hours, it makes you weep along with raindrops falling soundly on your window. i never thought that loving you too much can also break my heart. and yet, i still do."

i swore to myself that i'm here to be a plot twist, a main character in someone's story, not a non-playable character in a plot that's already been written.

i promised myself that i'm here to live a life of vivacious chaos, not cautious perfection...forgiveness... foriveness.

"if i don't hesitate to be my authentic & absolute goofiest self around you, you're really special to me. if you're the first person i share news or stories with, you're really special to me. if i call you without a reason just to talk to you or hear your voice, if i just pick up the phone, you're really special to me. if i call you by a nickname more than your actual name, you're really special to me. & if i share my most embarrassing moment with you without fear of rejection or judgment...you're really special to me."

you were the one that didn't think i was too much but never wanted me to be less...you saw my scars & never tried to fix them.

just because i am silent, does not mean i don't think about it. just because i stopped speaking about it, does not mean it has stopped haunting me.

& WHAT KIND OF HOPE AM I SUPPOSED TO HAVE? . . .

why do i always have to be the one to clean up what they left behind?

time with you is time well spent. "doing nothing's never nothing when it's something with you."

i wish i could be able to say that i never told you i was falling for you a little bit...but i did because it felt necessary. not because i thought it would make you stay.

it's november now & where are you? the dinner is getting cold like the cement beneath my feet...i cooked your favorite food, but little did i know it would be our last meal. peppers & peach wine

["wHy can't you see me? WhY can't i stop needed you to see me . ."]

& was it always going to come to this? the both of us wanting what the other cannot give?...

i'm not superstitious but i engage in superstitious behaviors. i am no conspiracy theorist but my favorite one is that you regret what you did to my heart.

do you ever think of me when you drive by the cell towers? when i was little i always thought i lived in paris because they looked like the eiffel tower, you thought that was cute.

dreams...if "dreams" is what we could call them...they're more like replayed reality.

i thought we'd have more time. i thought we'd have more time. i thought we'd have more time. i thought we'd have more time. maybe not forever but, i thought we'd have more time.

you still make me nervous
you still make me laugh,
you still make me smile uncontrollably
even hours after you've left

if the memories are all in gold
then why do i write about them in gray?
i think about how we lost our hold,
i think about it every day...

you used to smile to your eyes
i used to always wonder why
you frowned the day you bought me peaches

i thought we'd have a lot more time
i thought you were forever mine
i wish we could have seen those beaches

but i know you're lost
you're scared your gain will be less than the cost,
but i'll still be here until the first frost...

nose deep in scars
you left behind
like cars in an airport parking lot

while i stare at stars
you feel so far
in your little haunted house

tucked away
we fade to gray
but i know
you're happy & safe

tucked away
among the trees
the grass
& an autumn breeze . . .

i always imagined your new home
painted beige, big porch to hug the bones,
little pond & big brown stepping stones

perhaps a swing
she'll get to grow up in
fastened beneath a great oak tree,
grass stains & scrapes on her knee

among the fields
the bugs, wild flowers
bonfires & talks for hours

but i know you're gone
you're there, you're new beyond compare
to say "hello" would i ever dare?...

nose deep in scars
you left behind
like cars in an airport parking lot

while i stare at stars
you feel so far
in your little haunted house

tucked away
we fade to gray
but i know
you're happy & safe

tucked away
among the trees
the grass
& an autumn breeze . . .

i move in, settle in the attic
among the dust, the fuzz
& faded photographs

how else would i know
you spritz your cologne
12 times before leaving
the house?

& that your favorite meal
is dinner? or that you wish
your room was bigger?

but i know you'll fall,
i'll roam these halls
i'll haunt your walls
& wish that you would call...

through the woods
through the weeds,
planting clues
while you're planting seeds

i know you're busy
but i'm getting dizzy
from being your ghost
'thought i'd get to love you
the most...

nose deep in scars
you left behind
like cars in an airport parking lot

while i stare at stars
you feel so far
in your little haunted house

tucked away
we fade to gray
but i know
you're happy & safe

tucked away
among the trees
the grass
& an autumn breeze . . .

friendliness
loneliness
i'll be the ghost
in your haunted house

friendliness
loneliness
i'll be the ghost
in your haunted house

you still make me laugh
as you tell jokes at the dinner table
& you still make me sad
when you cry in the dark,
i'd wipe your tears f'i was able

i watch you go, watch you return
just to leave again

i watch you grow, watch you stumble
& hold her hand
when the thunder rumbles

you fog & fumble
it's jogged & jumbled
i watch as your brand-new
castle crumble

nose deep in scars
you left behind
like cars in an airport parking lot

while i stare at stars
you feel so far
in your little haunted house

tucked away
we fade to gray
but i know
you're happy & safe

tucked away
among the trees
the grass
& an autumn breeze . . .

friendliness
loneliness
i'll be the ghost
in your haunted house

friendliness
loneliness
i'm still the ghost
in your haunted house...

they asked me how my love life is

to which i replied:

currently burning.

i'm watching it like a bonfire in the middle of a clearing on the outskirts of the woods...

at the edge of town in the middle of nowhere, where you & the ghost of us are anywhere & everywhere i look...

wearing a tearstained gown with messy smoke-saturated hair as the wind sweeps it across my face, grazing my collarbone, around my neck & over my shoulders...

with empty eyes & a heart made of glass, shattered & aching...my spirit of love, in shambles.

knowing that there isn't a **** thing i can do or say to resurrect what we once shared . . .

my melatonin kicked in strong & the last thing i remember seeing through the sleepy haze was a bright & golden 11:11 staring boldly back at me, demanding to be wished upon...
i made a wish but i can't remember what it was.

i crafted my heart into carefully selected diction for you, you said it meant more than i'd ever know to you...if that was true then why did you let me go?...

were you just an undercover bad boy, a face behind a masquerade mask? were you just sweet because you knew i always have a sweet tooth, because you knew you should be? were you remarkably thoughtful because you knew i was too, so i could think we were cut from the same cloth?...

i wake up every morning & wonder if you still think of us & how it all took a turn so soon. do you still think about the fun we had? do you still remember how we could never say goodbye before midnight with messy hair & flushed cheeks? do you still think about the stranger smiles & glances shared between two, the way the peach wine made me dizzy or the way you held my hand against your stick shift...

i gave you my everything because i knew you appreciated it...i gave you my all because i knew you loved it...because i knew you wanted to see it, know it, have it, want it, need it, keep it...

but were you just an undercover bad boy, just another face in the sea of strangers? were you just another narcissistic sociopath with an ulterior motive posing as a regular? were you just another walking heartbreaker, was i just another pawn in your game? was it all just a game?...

i remember thinking you were mine forever, and i can't say that you loved me because you never got there, but tell me darling why, why did it feel like you did?...

i was honest, i was true...i was falling without a clue...i was brave, i was bold...i was new, and you knew...i was me, we felt free...we were real, we were deep...we were vulnerable, we were everything they all wish they had...

please tell me darling that you were never just an undercover bad boy...tell me you were everything you showed yourself to be...that you were exactly who you told me you were, & that your feelings were true...tell me you meant every word, every dance, every song, every smile, every kiss, every touch, every glance...

i own no one
an apology
for my feelings.

i don't own anyone
an explanation
for why i feel
the way i do,
i just do.

i am not in a place of
overdraft
because i am affected
by the way they make me feel
small...invalidated...
unexperienced...mistaken...
confused­...doubtful.

i am not in debt
to anyone
by not proving to them
that i was happy...
that i was in love...
that i was myself.

i own no one
my energy
in trying to convince
them that what we were
was real...
when they've already decided
we weren't enough to have
ever really been valid...
to have ever truly existed . . .

somber slow-motion days pass me by in a slumberesque daze

cars zip & zoom past street lamps carving wispy swirls of the early autumn fog across the pavement

city lights illuminate the misty atmosphere in muted hues of empty-mall-parking-lot-orange & stadium-blue

reminiscing the warm & vivid summer days when it was never raining, where we were never losing, always and only gaining.

i'm jealous of
the wind
because it doesn't know
how lucky it is
that it gets to run through your hair
the way my fingers used to.

i'm jealous of
the moon
because it doesn't know
how lucky it is
that it gets to watch as you
softly slip into shallow slumbers
the way i used to as i laid in your arms.

i'm jealous of
the stars
because they don't know
how lucky they are
that they get to be gazed at by you
and your bright hazel eyes full of awe
the way i used to be by you
every time you walked towards me.

i'm jealous of
the sun
because it doesn't know
how lucky it is
to get to kiss your summer skin
beneath it's warmth
the way i used to when i was still yours & you mine.

i'm jealous of
every bottle of wine
that reaches your lips
because they don't know
how lucky they are
that they get to be pressed gently against
yours that make that sincere smile
and words sweeter than honey,
the way mine used to
over & over & over
because we could never have just one.

i'm jealous of
the grass
because it doesn't know
how lucky it is
to get to graze you softly
as you walk by
the way i used to when we barely knew
each other...
before we knew we were meant to . . .

every time i look at that striped sweater i think of us.
standing in the middle of that crowd in the pale blue lights,
sore throats & your thumbs in my belt loops.

we were going to rise above the rest,
rise above the rest who tried & tried but landed
sooner than they hoped
& fly with the eagles...

i had all my cutest outfits
picked out, hung up, lined up
waiting for you

but now i wear them alone
as i sit at our favorite coffee shop
where we first talked.

i should be there with you,
laughing at all the funny faces
your niece makes when she eats pizza

i should be there with your hand
intertwined with mine under the table,
as we sing happy birthday to your mom
as she blows out her wishes.

you should be here in the car with me
as we sing tennessee whiskey off-key
with the windows rolled all the way down,
taking in the last of the summer air

the wind doesn't know how lucky it is
that it gets to run wild through your soft brown hair
the way my fingers used to.

you'll always feel like coming home

i would swear black is white if it meant one more day next to you

you'll always be my favorite

even if it makes me ache

you'll always be my "just one more minute"

i would swear the earth is flat if it meant one more day being yours

you'll always be my shooting star wish

you'll always be my july & august

you'll always be my brighter days.