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Feb 27 · 204
hell to be happy
DElizabeth Feb 27
sweet churns sour.

stable now shakes.

sun into somber.

night seeps into day until they become one.

curtains drawn.

sunless skin.

sleepless eyes.

increased to 20mg.

little white tablet, taken once daily.

CAUTION

world in swirls.

lay down lay down . . .

can't stay awake...

don't want to be awake...

it hurts . . .

stomach befriends the throat

befriends the mind, befriends the mouth.

i want to collapse...

it takes getting through hell to be happy.

and the worst part is, i'm not sure if it's worth it.
Feb 27 · 130
murder on the sidewalk
DElizabeth Feb 27
the sun
kissed me
as the
night's knife,
unsympathetic, honed, & deafeningly-silent,
took me...
took me
to the headstone
like ebenezer
on christmas eve...
i knew what
i was getting myself
into
but i dove in
anyway. . .
Feb 27 · 133
fabric softener
DElizabeth Feb 27
pale collarbones
gentle and subtle
the hint of fabric softener
flawlessly woven into his black t-shirt
the way his fingers twitch
and his breathing deepens
with a heavy head
when he's sleeping
makes my heart-rhythm quicken
and lip-corners rise
to the sun
to the stars my arms reach
to meet my real self
my real happiness
my real place
my real soul
my real morning
and ⋆.ೃ࿔*:・
a tumbleweed crosses our path
i had mistaken it for a skunk
but i always think of you
as the moon grows
frightening and blood-orange
the tides rise
like the chocolate and shrimp
in my tummy
with the butterflies
he put there
he stays
he leaves
but he still stays
right where i want him
right where i left him
right where we left
we left the past
but we still talk about it
but it doesn't matter now
now
now i want the sun
i want the stars
i want the salt in the sea
i want all the desserts
i want all the bites
i want all the skies
i want all the bugs
all the breeze
not the breeze
(it makes me angry)
all the redwood trees
and all the leaves
before they fall
so i won't fall
unless it's into him
into him is what i see
and what i see is
light
Feb 27 · 130
THE GRAND RE-OPENING
DElizabeth Feb 27
eyes wide open
but they're gently shut

vermillion eyelids
and the smell of warm...

dusty dirt-caked hoola-hoops
and birthday barbecue hotdogs,
lines of black and smoke-saturated hair

10-year-olds on roller blades, bicycles, and scooters, dropping f-bombs and kicking pebbles.

suburb golf carts
and splintery playground woodchips
waft through the leafless pencil-like trees

daydreams of sun-naps on the sidewalk,
when we would watch the shadows of ants march across the cracks with driveway-chalk hands...

saying "no no no" with a warning tone
as she tries to lick year-old sticky ice cream stains from the pavement

that new house smell
somehow being better than you remember it

summer's grand re-opening

and we're all here,
then, now, and waiting.
Feb 21 · 126
Untitled
DElizabeth Feb 21
I remember digging my toes into the thick, goopy mud in our overgrown backyard when I was a little girl.

I remember running home from the dirt-dusted bus stop with my siblings, trying to beat the shadows of the clouds cast by the sun.

I remember the hug of the summer air, enveloping me like a second skin.

I remember the fiery pain of the hornet stinger beneath my right foot.

I remember my older brother dunking his slice of watermelon into salt and taking a bite out of it, red sticky juice dripping down his chin and wrist with an absence of grace.

I remember hearing the off-key song of the ice cream truck, faint but within earshot.

I remember my mom waking me up to eat a steaming bowl of brown-sugared oatmeal in the middle of the night, just because.

I remember the thud of his loving heartbeat against the bumpy skin of my warm chest.

I remember jumping as high as possible to yank off the juicy oranges, the size of a softball, from the tree.

I remember her knotted, gray, no-longer-stray fur nuzzling against my faded jeans as if she’s always loved me.

I remember holding his hand, winter-wind-dry, cold, and skinny just moments before breaking up with him.

I remember the soft autumn mist, creating a veil of gray across the football field.

I remember how slippery with sweat my skin was on the suffocating bus ride home in September.

I remember how my dad packed his lunch the same way every day; 7 baby carrots, 2 granola bars, 1 banana, 12 potato chips, 1 bologna and American cheese sandwich with mayonnaise.

I remember his beige Coleman lunch box with the maroon lid, rough and smelled of plastic, too-ripe banana, and “Dad”.

I remember the thin skin beneath my eyes, rubbed raw, flaky, and salt-ruined after countless hours of darkness.

I remember sitting with my stubby girl legs spread out in front of me on the wooden kitchen floor, dipping cinnamon cookies into pink and blue yogurt.

I remember our first kiss, stiff and clumsy, but electric…gentle…and not enough.

I remember the look of loss hidden behind my dad’s smile as we grew smaller in the airport security on Father’s Day.
Feb 14 · 142
the summer
DElizabeth Feb 14
and i'll pull you along
until there's no need
as we run with whimsy along
the unbounded lakes

i will be right there
from sunrise to sunset
& all of the suns in between

our summer captured in seconds
until september ends,
we'll replay it until the curtain closes

a summer felt
in toes buried deep in the hot sand,
in cinnamon roll icing on the tips of our tongues,
in the tall grass that makes our legs itch,
& in the sting from a day spent too long beneath the sun

i'll hold your hand
as we drive through those trees
with the same sultry breeze
running wild through your sandy hair

a summer
through a camera lens,
where the glances are noticed only by
you & me

the graze of your fingertips
turn me wild, maddened with deepened
desire and fondness
as the road widens & winds

a summer
painted in blinding golds & puffy pinks,
far away from all the cities & dreams.
"this is one of our own," you'll say, as we build our house of hopes

the frogs & crickets
are no match for our harmony
& the unpicked flowers should be jealous
of the ones i will place behind your ear

a summer of
flushed cheeks & breathlessness,
fireflies in gentle palms,
& dandelion seeds scattered across your river

leaves with veins,
something so fragile-perceived
can grow through crack or concrete

i will move closer
& hold onto you tightly
even if we're in a sea of strangers

a summer of firsts
and exploration
and experiences

a summer of rain,
fireworks on your birthday
and sitting through lightning storms with you because you want me to

a summer of doting
and "finally"'s
and running

only this time,
not away from something
but towards  e v e r y t h i n g . . . . .
Feb 14 · 124
KISS IT BETTER
DElizabeth Feb 14
i willingly rip it out from my chest.
i look down at it still beating, ******, and warm in my grip.
i look up to you and see that you want it...
i reluctantly hold it out towards you.
you hold your hands out with a gentleness that is foreign to me.
i hesitantly place it into your cold hands.
i wait and watch for your reaction...
i desperately look into you for something, anything...
and beg you to kiss it better...
you look down at the pulsing *****, overflowing with love for you,
then look up suddenly, but i find no motives...
only tears streaming down your cheeks, the biggest smile, and the most loving light in your eyes . . .
Feb 14 · 129
chocolate
DElizabeth Feb 14
it melts in my pocket as i wave goodbye, hoping you don't notice the blood pooling in my cheeks.
8 missed opportunities.

my grandma boiled some sage tea for me, "to help calm your skin," she'd say if she was still around...

parkour on rocks in indigo fields, heliotrope, and hornets.
vanilla milkshakes and sweet potato fries, if my wallet will allow me to love you this way.

my eyes squint and bones catch the sunlight, i spread out my arms like an iris's petals when you run to me...

i slipped on wet grass over the stream and scored my knee in the shape of a cross.
she plucked some lavender from the damp ground and rubbed it with an absence of gentleness onto my open wound.

there was still dirt on it.

we climbed to the rooftop and watched the hazy summer colors plummet into the endless horizon.
she turned to me with her palms facing the stars and extended a tiny glass bottle.
"sandalwood!" revere filled her voice,
"i prefer lily, but thank you, i love it."

.
Feb 14 · 127
the suture
DElizabeth Feb 14
no matter how pure,
how nourishing, or how flourishing...

the itch drives me mad as i wait for it to heal...
impatient, i rub it just enough to satisfy it.

i wake up with dried blood crusted over my ankle,
where the scab used to reside...

a wound re-opened is a wound likely to stain, rip, and ruin every innocent thing in its path... i leave you with one word or less.

i stammer into the bathroom, and gather the tools needed.

THE ACHE! THE ACHE!...

i prepare for the procedure and breathe heavily...
with shaky hands i attempt to craft my own suture:
_  _  _

THEY'LL SEE YOU FOR WHAT YOU ARE!...

no assistant at my side, always the lone surgeon.
it bleeds...it bleeds...it bleeds...

a tourniquet, a needle, a thread.
just enough so abandonment doesn't show up at my door.

THE NOISE...THE NOISE...

just enough to heal in time for them to love me...
just enough to forget that seemingly perpetual past...

THEY'LL LEAVE...THEY'LL LEAVE...

THEY ALWAYS DO! THEY ALWAYS DO!...

DON'T SHOW! DON'T TELL! JUST FEEL!


deafening silence, whispered cries, and visible sighs.
NO MORE! NO MORE! NO MORE! . . .

i open my eyes as the sweat falls from my brow...
the blood is no more and my heart is full.

the silence has come and the light floods the bathroom floor...
my hands stop trembling and my heart beats slow.

i stand up and stay there for a moment.
i turn around and walk out...

out and to you.
out and to my love...

for now,
or for forever . . .
Feb 14 · 102
SO COOL (a lyric)
DElizabeth Feb 14
the way he thinks like a movie
and talks like a scene

the world, shades of gray
now a symphony of green

i hear him when he sighs
and when he says, "i'm fine!"

when everything is tough ,
some words are never enough

stop trying to be so cool,
just try to be so sweet

i know we are together,
but my heart's not like a feather

i need you next to me
even when we're six feet deep

stop trying to be so cool,
just try to be so sweet

the way he moves like diction
and walks like a work of fiction

our world, no longer in distress
or a need to "dress to impress!"

i hear him when he's quiet
and when his mind feels like a riot

though everything is easy
i can't always be this cheesy

stop trying to be so cool,
just try to be so sweet

i know we are together,
but my heart's not like a feather

i need you next to me
even when we're six feet deep

stop trying to be so cool,
just try to be so sweet
Feb 1 · 163
AMY
DElizabeth Feb 1
AMY
her stature is proud and big, though she’s small and still growing. her hair tied into something behind her, tightly. its caramel wisps frill outward and down on either side of her face. her cheeks are kissed by the sun, bright like sunlight reflected off of snow but as red, full, and round as grape tomatoes. youthful eyes are full of chocolate-grayish wonder with an element of surprise. her popsicle-stained lips are pulled back into a smile made not prompted by a “say cheese”, but genuine instead. a long, boyish, and tan arm hangs awkwardly to her side while the other one is wrapped around his torso. though her shirt is bursting with bold crimson, black, and white horizontal stripes, it never takes away from the life inside her eyes, taken too soon, not always on the mind, but etched in forever.
DElizabeth Jan 20
and for the first time,
i smiled while
remembering us.
Jan 20 · 147
goodnight, mom
DElizabeth Jan 20
i prefer the lights dim, because that way i can't see the details on my skin...my dark circles, the little red spots speckled & scattered across my cheeks like a sky full of stars.

i'm going to miss her.

i will be fast asleep while she's high in the sky, on her way to paradise.

she will be worrying about us

she will be out at sea, in the middle of the north atlantic while i am counting the hours until she returns home.

"goodnight, mom"

i say to her one last time.

i love her

& i hope she knows that.
Jan 16 · 91
softest
DElizabeth Jan 16
you are the softest color i have ever touched

your eyes a certain shade of nature at it's most overlooked finest.

my feelings for you are as pure as the snowflakes that drift slowly from the pale blue-gray sky that decorate your soft *****-blonde hair

i just see the beauty in every little thing that you do, no matter how trivial...the things that no one else seems to notice, not even you, sometimes.

the subtle movements of your eyes when you speak or the furrow of your brow while you're on the phone...the way calmness washes over your expression when i walk through the door or the way you take off your winter coat...the barely-there dimple that forms on your right cheek when you grin while petting my dog or the way your speech slows when you notice me tracing your name on your back...the faces you make while telling stories or how flushed you get when i tell you how much you mean to me...the way you tie your shoes like you did when you first learned how or the way you say goodbye when we're done talking on the phone...

only one month has passed us by, but i feel at peace knowing that there will be many, many more . . .
DElizabeth Jan 16
& i miss you but i don't know what it is about you that i miss.

i don't want you that way anymore but thinking about you obsessed with someone else makes me jealous.

i miss your mere presence more with every minute that passes.

he's properly beautiful
even while eating the messiest burger.


i can't tell you how many times within just the past couple of days i just wanted to kiss you.

your smile makes me smile

blinded only by the condensation from my breath as we walk through the woods mid-december.

you drove 50 minutes just to see me for 30.

& it's really hard to talk to you like a friend, looking like that.

i want to know you...see you...understand you...feel you...protect you...care for you...want you...need you...love you...

everything friends wouldn't normally do.
Jan 5 · 342
january 4th.
DElizabeth Jan 5
it's january 4th
& the sky had never been more baby blue.

it's january 4th
& my love for you is as pure as the frosty tips on the blades of grass in the morning.

it's january 4th
& the parking lot seagulls turn this buslting city into an intimate warf off of the coast of some state...

it's january 4th
& it's the beginning after an end.

it's january 4th
& this weather makes me simultaneously want to go walk in the woods, exploring all the parts of this town i have yet to find beauty in and wrap myself in a blanket in bed & never leave this house again.

it's january 4th
& i hate the bitter winter wind burning my ears but i walk my dog in it anyway because she loves it, and i love her.

it's january 4th
& there are so many dragons i have yet to slay or even know what they will be or when they will come for me...

it's january 4th
& i am trembling. i shut my eyes tight, & curl into a ball...praying for sleep to overcome me...

it's january 4th
& i can't wait for january 5th.
Jan 3 · 159
the one that stays.
DElizabeth Jan 3
×

"god i hate closure..."

"then let's never need to have any."


×
Dec 2023 · 248
it lingers
DElizabeth Dec 2023
i ran with the wolves only to find out that i'm a sheep...i thought we'd run hand-in-hand but i should have known mine would always go empty...
Dec 2023 · 406
the rose-colored spectacles
DElizabeth Dec 2023
i don't want you to be blinded by how you feel about me now. i want every part of you to love every part of me...not just what your eyes want you to see standing before you...but also what your mind knows...what your heart feels...& what your soul was made for...
Dec 2023 · 148
12/17/23
DElizabeth Dec 2023
it feels like something we've waited an eternity to finally be able to do but also like we've been doing this forever...

i can't believe you're mine & i'm yours.

luck is to know you.

lucky is to be next to you.

this is a different kind of happiness...

i just want you. i just want this. nothing else. nothing less. always more (of you of this of us).

i just want to experience everything with you...

i want to do anything with you, even if it's nothing. because it would never be nothing.

"you & i . . . we're alive . . ."

is it too soon to know that every second i want to be spent with you by my side? . . .
Dec 2023 · 253
a.m.
DElizabeth Dec 2023
that feeling when you're completely out of breath & you can feel your heart pounding out of your chest thumping so loudly you can hear it... 

this time, a holistic ****** experience that i became the heart.

we fall asleep with our fingers interlaced.

we soon became inseparable...

if euphoria was a color, it would be dark, faded-but-electric-blue.

you're someone i could fall madly, unapologetically, undeniably, unconditionally, helplessly in love with.

before, things would always fall apart in the fall...but we fell into each other.

i have never felt more helplessly weak & undeniably strong all at once before.

i never knew how much i'd want you until this moment.

we're in a room full of others but we only see each other.

you are my proof that the poetry does get happy again.

our song is on repeat & i never want it to stop...

forced, nothing.

& just as we're as close as we can possibly get, it's never close enough...

i'm supposed to be sleeping but instead i am writing about you, & i hope that is okay.

i melt into the floor when i see you, when i hear your voice, as smooth & sweet as maple syrup

i could never lie to you.

the thought of you not with me is unbearable.

never leave me...

the thought of the absence of you is cold down to every bone in what would feel to be this desolate, dark, & aching shell...

i want you
oh god, do i need you too?...

do you want me too?
oh god, do you need me too?...

[this love monster may be prowling deep within me, but it is as pure as snow & gentle as a dove.]

this song makes me want to plan anything, anything just to get us in the same room...

"it's in the space that the energy lies"

there is so much i want to know, but won't ask (yet)...

"for now, we'll dream about it, but soon we'll be there."

i want you to want to take me into a dimly lit room like you once did with her.

a minute without you is the strangest thing...

a second without you is the strangest thing . . .
Dec 2023 · 431
endings
DElizabeth Dec 2023
i have learned to be
okay with the endings
because they each led
me closer to you.
Dec 2023 · 295
The Empath
DElizabeth Dec 2023
"how are you feeling today?"

"i'm feeling a little too much."
Dec 2023 · 326
me without you
DElizabeth Dec 2023
my evening walk,

i barely remember a thing.

a blur of street lamps polluting the night sky full of stars with names we can't pronounce...

you is all that occupies my mind now.

i hope that is okay

is that okay? . . .

i haven't forgotten about you

without me,

but me without you

i have.

an unthinkable time

an unbearable thought

an uncomfortable feeling.

i wasn't sure what i wanted then,

but i'm sure now that i don't want your feelings to ever change.

i don't know my way back yet

but i will.

& when i do i promise i will let you know...

i don't know what it is yet

but there's something about you

that pulls me into your orbit

& something about me

that draws you closer into my gravity...

"you can't have one without the other"

we don't know what it is yet,

but when we do,

we'll let each other know.
Nov 2023 · 106
BEST FRIEND
DElizabeth Nov 2023
he's got a thing for gay girls
& more cream than coffee.

there's something about him in a suit & tie
& the way he opens greeting cards.

he's over it
but he still thinks about it.

he never reaches out
but sometimes he does.

i love the way he loves films
& how he sighs loudly when he's sad.

he likes things simple
& him and his dad share the same dimple.

he's never been more afraid
but i have never been more proud of him.

he sits in plastic lawn chairs during the summer
but one day he'll be sitting among the stars on red velvet seats.

a quiet burning love for the north,
from one revelation to the next...
Nov 2023 · 402
preference
DElizabeth Nov 2023
how long until you taste me & realize that you've been starving?

i'd rather hear your silence than anyone else's voice.
Nov 2023 · 241
HEARSAY
DElizabeth Nov 2023
the night was their day.

& i've had to tell some lies about some strange things just to get here.

undercover farm boy posing as a city man.

making music just to say something but everyone likes it.

close your ears to the snakesong, or don't, the truth about me is only hearsay among these fruits.

it must mean something if they've got to try so hard to disengage (?)

we're off the deep end & we both don't know how to swim.

the fox never strays too far away.

if i ever get out of this town, would you follow? would you follow?...

i'd stay here forever & go mad if it meant staying in the same city as you.

set in our collective future;

there he is with his hair slicked back tight, sharp in colors they chose, supported by thunderous onomatopoeias as he walks towards the red hanging velvet;

there, to speak in front of the pretentious sea of (not) well-known greek gods & goddesses.

we embrace in the cold & we leave in the cold.

are we just running from something we know is atomic?

or are we just chasing after something overnight & ironic?


the vineyard is closing in. beads of sweat still glisten in the winter morning sun.

there, when i closed my eyes, you co-starred for the very first time (you must be on my mind that much).

i pace alone while you're wining & dining.

i shiver & stammer as i remember him saying "i feel like i have to with you..." when i told him he doesn't have to be on for me all the time...

is this why you leave? is this why you leave?...

my breath left my lungs & my roots embedded themselves into the earth. a certain kind of realized sadness glazed over the windows.

all i ever want is for mutual reconstruction,

but all that remains is all that remains.
Nov 2023 · 339
agnosia.
DElizabeth Nov 2023
am i still there?
i'm still there.

warm flesh & blood
now phantasmagoria
& a gentle breeze
that sweeps your hair
from out of your eyes.

(yearning for) retrograde amnesia.

i can't forget
the sound.

agnosia.

flashbacks of when
i grazed you
& it made you audibly silent,
visibly warm, & full of bliss...

fast-forward to you
recoiling from my touch.
now cold, painful, & unwelcome.

can you still feel me?...

aphasia.

it always upset you
when i couldn't say what
i meant.

apraxia.

the cognitive dissonance
experienced is how much?

amnesia.

i don't want to forget any of it.
i want to remember it all.
i don't want you to forget any of it.
i want you to remember it all.
Nov 2023 · 185
tuesday blues
DElizabeth Nov 2023
i see us walking
in the big park as i drive by.

21 questions,
sun shining bright,
curious about each other,
& before we held hands.
we're alive.

"fast car" played
through the speaker
as i lay in the dentist office
beige leather chair.

parking lot seagulls
flying across the winter sky
on the other side of the snow-speckled pane.
i let out a long sigh.

how much longer
until this skin gets to graze home?

my social clumsiness
threw me in for a plot twist,
& not the good kind.

"grief is an ACTIVE process..."
my professor says.
a day of
prolonged sighs.

monday mourning
FRESH START
tuesday blues
FRESH START
wednesday...
Nov 2023 · 313
mo. 1
DElizabeth Nov 2023
"to be ignored is to have your existence denied."
Nov 2023 · 352
because of you
DElizabeth Nov 2023
.

"you've changed me.

i used to see the world
as black or white.
now everything is gray & messy...
full of nuance & beauty...
because of you.

in an alternate universe, we'd
still be together.
a team.
ready for anything."


.
Nov 2023 · 193
say it again
DElizabeth Nov 2023
casual conversation,
i keep my cool when
they mention your name.

but on the inside
i'm begging for them to
say it again
Nov 2023 · 82
coffee soon
DElizabeth Nov 2023
you said you've really been enjoying our conversations lately

& that you'd love to get some coffee soon.

i can't let myself know you that way, i think we'd hurt each other greatly.

if you really saw, would you like how i look, beneath the light of the moon?
Nov 2023 · 236
"WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY?"
DElizabeth Nov 2023
the prompt asked.

to which you replied:

"you. always you."
Nov 2023 · 206
goldenrods
DElizabeth Nov 2023
his hair reminds me of goldenrods.
soft, yellow, & a certain kind of fragile.

i find myself wanting to make him jealous
& asking who he's talking about
when i think they're other girls...

i'm usually great at eye-contact
but my heart starts racing & can't help but look away
when he looks right into my eyes.

it feels as if he's noticing my every move...my every breath...
like he could read my thoughts...like he can see right through me...

i watch he as you speak to others at the table
& i notice a certain kind of pain in his eyes...
intense...overlooked...neglected...yet still noticeable.

i pay attention to which direction he's facing when we
stand in a group & if his pupils dilate when we speak to each other.

i'm not obsessing? . . .

i'm usually great at eye-contact
but my heart starts racing & can't help but look away
when he looks right into my eyes.

it feels as if he's noticing my every move...my every breath...
like he could read my thoughts...like he can see right through me . . .
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