Giovanni

Giovanni Jun 2021

I don't wanna feel like this anymore,
I don't want to question whether I'm broken,
God please come and just open that door.
I don't wanna feel like this anymore,
I hear I'm not a lone, but if truth be told?
I only have selective Family that give a
**** about me, whom I adore. The rest are
Ghosts.

I don't wanna feel like this anymore,
Why am I crying as I'm writing this? It's
Really hard to ignore. I don't wanna feel like
This anymore, I just want an off button so
I can feel normal again like when I was
Younger and not now like I'm going crazy
Locking my doors. The door to my heart,
The one that keeps me sane.

How long will I feel like this? I don't know.
It's a chemical imbalance in my brain that
Makes me act this way. What did I do to deserve this? I didn't ask for none of it. I don't
Want pills, I just wanna stand still, without
Pacing back and forth listening to all the noise, voices in my head, just to realize that
Voice is mine. I just wanna sleep, but sleep is
The cousin of death so I don't know, I'm just scared, but someday I'll Take my last step, last breath.

Giovanni Jun 2021

My Mind

I feel like I'm declining sometimes,
Slowly dying, slowly trying, not to give up, but it just hits hard sometimes. My character has changed, if only they knew me now. They would probably understand why I refuse to go out. I do let out what I feel in words that come to my head and I write em on paper cause I just can't seem to speak em so I don't talk with an open mouth. The only time I feel safe is when it's quiet now. Sometimes I pretend I'm sitting on a round table with most of the people that forgot about me when I wasn't around. I picture a good conversation, and letting things go, so we could start over again and start off right where we left off. It's simply a dream, and I don't own a dream catcher so it just flies out. I don't understand why sometimes I close my eyes and hear beautiful birds singing, but you'd say I'm crazy if I told you that they're not really out. There's no rhyme or reason, it just happens now. I can say I see things more clear, I admit I have lots of fears, and while I'm at it also shed so many tears. That's a connection to Tears with Fears. Boy does time fly, I guess as I sit here and write this I also see the world from a birds eye. Pretty far, but near. I don't wanna leave forgotten, or as that rotten apple in a bunch of unrotten apples. I wanna just live. If you know me, then you know my struggle, if you don't it's ok, I don't blame you, it's just the way I am sometimes, and I change me, so you don't change you. Adapt to my environment, so everything is cool.

Giovanni May 2021

Just Me

I'll climb the highest mountain,
That's been used a lot.
I'll do whatever it takes,
Until the needle drops.
I'll always be here for you,
Until you change on me.
Deception in so many words,
Is what I truly see.

I'll catch a grenade for you,
Wait, no I won't.
Cause if life is worth living,
Then I should live too.
I'll take my heart out and hand
It to you, naw I can't.
Cause that would mean that
I gave you my lifeline while
You couldn't even give me a hand.

I'll run far for you, I'll make the
Earth shake, but I don't think it's
Right when you personify fake.
A challenge, I will take it, at any
Time, but time is lost, so you ain't
On my mind. Sacrifice everything for
A happy ending, all while some
Love pretending. That's when I smile
And see that everything has a *******
Ending.

Don't judge me for my mind, the brain
Sometimes takes over, but I will pour
My heart out till the blood is over. I don't
Study kindness, I just speak what I feel,
So many years and Lord knows that I have
Fought to heal. My Best friends they know
Me. Especially My Brother from another
Mother, cause he's the one that's seen me
Go through **** and motivates me to see
That pain is what made me stronger.

I'm just a regular dude, with a different
Thought process, but all I want is for me to
Be the same guy that I was before I was 18,
A good boy just having fun with his friends,
Playing basketball at all times a day, from Peterson Park, to the Alley. From sitting across my Best friend before work, with a
Bottle of tequila, listening to Music before
We did our dirt. Sometimes remembering
The bad is a curse, but without remembering
The bad, I understandI could be worse.

The decisions we make are what mold us
No matter what. It's what's kept me grounded so I ain't stuck. A quick shout out to my Angel,
Who never left me a lone, but gave me so
Much insight so I would never feel a lone.
Love.
- Gio

Giovanni May 2021

Random Thoughts

I was walking down this quiet road, all a lone just me and my thoughts. Looking around, I didn't see anything, nor was there a sound. Now usually I don't mind the quiet peaceful noise, but this time it was different, there was no other voice. Only me and a wet road, glowing from the the moon and stars that reflect. I was still on my journey, I was still walking for I knew I wasn't close yet. Now I passed many different places, some good and some bad, but all a long I had something pulling me towards that righteous path. I can't tell you how I feel cause I think you wouldn't understand, but I appreciate the support I get, and that helping hand. I never asked to be this way, I don't even know when it started, but now I'm grateful to control what I can, even if it's not how I want it. I may shed some tears and you don't have to ask why, cause even i don't know know why. It just happens. My brain just takes over, and I turn on the music, just a little louder. Before you know it I'm laughing and don't know why, but I won't complain, it's better than feeling like I'm broken inside. I guess I'll take things 1 day at a time, but I'm not crazy, cause since I was born, I've been fighting to stay alive.

Giovanni Apr 2019

Voice in my head

Hi, what are you doing right now? / don't ignore me / keep thinking / don't avoid me / or else I'm gonna do things that will make you go crazy / see it doesn't matter how many people you're talking to / no matter what / I will always be a piece of you / inside with visions that you can't take / I'm the one in the background laughing at you cause you will break / you're on the couch and can't shake / so you pace back and forth and go outside for air / but what difference does that make? / *******! I dislike you / I'm the reason you really wanna commit suicide dude / why you laugh out of nowhere and cry? / while you keep that sadness and ask why? / but the only one in the room is you and I / I'm in charge of you / that pill only makes you fucos till it wears off and then here I am haunting you! Don't get mad / we have the same relationship your hero and super villain have / are you crazy yet? It's ok I'll be here waiting till you get up and hit the wall / go outside and hope that air will clear it off / you're so silly / thinking you can put a mask on and get rid of me / so we'll just keep going back and forth / and you just don't give up till we can't no more / cause we're now partners / so we bunking together / hate it or love it / we belong together.

Giovanni Apr 2019

Untitled

If you ever wanna find me / just go to the same place my Father used to drive around in 88 / except I was able to finally see it in 89 when we would jump in the cutlass and take a drive / somewhere beyond the sea / while he was young and I felt dead inside / moments can break you / but I came into this world with a broken wing / so why would I pretend to be something I'm not? when being labeled a mistake / marked the pain within / now I'm mentally unstable / ****! / so I don't know / whether to smile / not / hold on / put a mask on / dont cry yet / if you wanna find me don't go to my block / maybe you'll find me or maybe you won't but / I'll finally be free from all these thoughts / wish I was untouchable / molested / a 36yr old man who's been treated like dirt / and these demons inside won't let go / until I let go / whether it's a bullet / so where's my ammo?! / whether it's a blade / where do I cut though?! / I don't have 13 reasons why / I just have 1 and that's you!

Giovanni Apr 2019

Conversation with God

Woke up this morning and talked to God again / told him I love him for everything he bring / he asked why I had so much in my heart / I told him you made me / an image of you / so that's why we're so close / but yet so far / he told me that everything would be just fine / he asked me to Pray and then we drank some wine / felt so pure / just the perfect time / he said your sins have been washed / for a very long time / I shed some tears and told him / you really are my G / he said I'll always Love you son / just keep your head high / Faith high / hope and love / Trust and Believe in me / at that moment before he left I said Goodbye / he said no need to say that word / cause all you have to do is close your eyes and look up at the Sky.